


The Watcher - Season 1

by gumboy



Series: The Watcher [1]
Category: Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Genre: Alternate Universe - Post-Canon, Gen, Post-Africa Xander, Post-Canon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-06
Updated: 2015-10-06
Packaged: 2018-04-25 03:42:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 12
Words: 70,707
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4945432
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gumboy/pseuds/gumboy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Previously posted on Slayerfanfic and I Need A Parrot. Ignores all comic canon. Script Format.</p><p>Xander Harris was once a watcher. Then after an incident in Africa with a slayer, Xander quit the council to live a normal life.</p><p>Let's face it: Xander Harris will never have a normal life. A new town. A new slayer. A new hellmouth.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Destiny's Path

ACT I

BRIEF FLASHES OF:

A FIGURE IN A RED ROBE

A FLASH OF A KNIFE WITH BLOOD ON IT

A Vampire bearing his teeth

A Blurred figure of a girl screaming

INT. XANDER HARRIS' BEDROOM

XANDER HARRIS, thirty something, jolts awake in a cold sweat. He pulls himself out of bed and looks at three photos sitting on his bureau. One is of him and ANYA smiling and holding each other. The other is of him and a young african girl clowning around. The other is the holy trio of the scoobies: Buffy, Willow and Xander also clowning around in a photo. Xander rubs his eye patch as though it aches then exhales.

Also sitting on his bureau is glass of water holding a glass eye.

INT. MEETING ROOM OF BANYAN CONSTRUCTION

Xander sits in a meeting room with a bunch of other suits. Xander is no longer wearing an eye patch but his glass eye. While those about him are in an animated discussion, Xander is staring off into space.

BANYAN  
Harris!

XANDER  
Hmm? What?

BANYAN  
(Joking)  
I don't pay you to sit and practice the 1000 yard stare. Or in your case, the 500 yard stare.

All the co-workers laugh quietly. Xander grins sheepishly

BANYAN  
Where are we with the Cape Kenneth's Municipal building?

XANDER  
All the permits are in place, we're still waiting on a couple of beds for the ventilation installation...

XANDER Turns to BANYAN only to see the Red Cloaked figure with a blood stained knife behind him.

Xander screams like a little girl and dives after Banyan. They roll onto the floor with Xander covering him, he looks up to see the figure has disappeared.

BANYAN  
HARRIS! What the hell was that about?

XANDER  
Sorry Mr. Banyan, I thought...

BANYAN  
What?!

XANDER  
I thought I saw a Spider.

BANYAN  
A Spider? Cheese and Rice Harris! You've got to put yourself together! Just because you see a little spider doesn't mean you have to go to pieces every single time.

XANDER  
Sorry Mr. Banyan.

Banyan scowls at Xander and storms out of the room. The rest of co-workers giggle and thank Xander on their way out for ending a boring meeting.

XANDER  
Not a problem. Always glad to help out. Someone call maintenance about getting this place fumigated!

INT. XANDER'S OFFICE

Xander stumbles in and collapses into his Chair.

XANDER  
(ASIDE)  
Great. Just Great. I wonder if my health insurance will cover my stay with Nurse Ratched.

F/X: INTERCOM

SECRETARY (OS)  
(Filtered)  
Mr. Harris?

XANDER  
Yes, Diane.

SECRETARY (OS)  
(Filtered)  
I have a Mr. Wells here to see you? He doesn't have an appointment.

XANDER  
Who?

SECRETARY (OS)

(Filtered)  
A Mr. Andrew Wells.

XANDER  
Never heard of him. Tell him to get lost.

ANDREW'S VOICE (OS)  
(Filtered)  
He has too heard of me!

XANDER  
Oh God.

ANDREW (OS)  
(Filtered)  
Xander! It's Me! Andrew! The Watcher! Remember Sunnydale? The Mbuna fish you sent me from africa?

DIANE (OS)  
(Filtered)  
Mr. Harris should I call Security?

XANDER  
Yes!... No! Send him in.

ANDREW bursts into the room looking like a cross between Giles and Tom Baker's Dr. Who. Most of Xander's co-workers watch Andrew with interest.

ANDREW  
Greetings fellow watcher! It is time for you join us again in the fight against the ultimate evil!

Xander hurries toward his office door.

XANDER  
(to Coworkers)  
My cousin from California. He's completely retarded.

Xander shuts the door behind him.

XANDER  
What do you think you're doing?

ANDREW  
Don't they know about you?

XANDER  
Not everyone in the world believes in Demons, Vamipires and young women endowed with superpowers. Nor do they want to.

ANDREW  
Sorry. I forget that there are so many straight people in the world, blind to the supernatural forces that threaten their very being. Do you have any soda? I'm really thirsty.

XANDER  
Uh..No. Now what do you want?

ANDREW  
I've come back to reinstate you into the Watcher Council.

XANDER  
You and what army?

ANDREW  
Come now Xander! It is up to us to train the next generation of slayers to protect the lives of the innocent.

XANDER  
Forget it. I closed up shop and sold all my weapons in one very spooky yard sale. I build things now. Houses. Office Buildings. Strip Malls. I've built five Target stores in New Hampshire. It was nice. No demons. No vampires. No apocalyptic doomsdays. There's nothing you can say or do that will drag me back into this supernatural hell.

ANDREW  
You can act like Uncle Owen all you want, but your destiny is not here young watcher.

XANDER  
If you keep up with the Star Wars references, I am so going to kick your ass.

ANDREW  
Wait! Wait! Have you had the dreams yet?

XANDER  
What?

ANDREW  
The dreams. The visions. Have they started?

XANDER  
How do you know about...

ANDREW  
It's been foretold. You are to be the guardian of the true line of Slayers.

XANDER  
Guardian of the what of the what?

ANDREW  
Giles came across a set of texts by IbonekNaw Ibo which successfully predicted the transference of power to all the potentials, giving them all the power of the one true slayer.

XANDER  
Would have been nice to know that before Sunnydale became a sinkhole.

ANDREW  
No doubt. But according to Ibo, even though the slayer abilities belong to all potentials, there is still a line of progression from the one true slayer to another. According to the texts the one slayer following Faith is supposed to be guided and taught by you and will be responsible for saving the world.

XANDER  
And it mentions me. By Name.

ANDREW  
No. But it mentions the one whose sight was stolen by the minion of the one true evil will become the guardian and teacher of the Chosen one.

XANDER  
I guess having one's eyeball ripped out would qualify. What do the dreams have to do with it?

ANDREW  
It's also written that your lost vision will be replaced with the vision of truth as a reward from the powers-that-be.

XANDER  
Vision of truth? Power-that-be? They couldn't come up with better names?

ANDREW  
It is the sight beyond sight! The ability to see the future and right the wrongs before they become wronged. You are the one-eyed watcher!

XANDER  
That's how it's written? Why do I have to sound like a pirate?

ANDREW  
Xander, if you don't take over your charge, it could bring about the end of the world. If she doesn't get her training, this community will become a hellmouth. Sunnydale will look like a summer resort comparatively.

XANDER  
No. You know what happened in Africa. If it wasn't for me Lateesha would have had a normal life. Now she's dead and it's my fault. I'm not cut out for this Andrew.

ANDREW  
Look it's like Obi Wan blowing it when he trained Anakin! He trained Luke and redeemed himself!

XANDER  
If you're going to convince me to do this, you better stop with the greasy fan boy act.

ANDREW  
I find your lack of faith disturbing.

XANDER  
Get out!

ANDREW  
If you don't help her become a slayer Xander, she'll die. Is that what you want?

Xander glares at Andrew. Andrew lays a folder down on the desk.

ANDREW  
This is all we know about her. We didn't discover her until after the Ibo texts were translated. She's been well hidden, but it's not going to last much longer. If you don't believe me why don't you ask...

INT. CU on Magic Eight Ball sitting on Xander's Desk

XANDER  
(Scoffing)  
Who told you about that?

ANDREW  
Spike told me the last time I visited LA.

XANDER  
So you heard about Anya.

ANDREW  
Yes. Xander, we need your help.

Xander looks over at the ball disgustingly and tosses it back to Andrew

XANDER  
Do I have choice about any of this?

Andrew catches the ball clumsily and reads the answer.

ANDREW  
Definitely not.

XANDER  
No. I'm not doing it. Get Giles. Get Willow, Buffy, anybody.

Andrew hands the ball back to Xander.

ANDREW  
It has to be you Xander.

XANDER  
Does it have to be me?

Xander flips over the eight ball. Instead of the murky water and the cube inside, a message appears: It is decidely so.

XANDER  
Is she going to die without my help?

The Answer: Signs point to Yes.

XANDER  
Is Andrew the biggest doofus on the planet?

The Answer: Yes. Definitely.

ANDREW  
Well?

XANDER  
I'll think about it.

ANDREW  
Xander... Providence chooses its instruments. Fate brought you to this battle. Destiny demands your actions. You are merely a tool of Divine Will

XANDER  
You're a tool. Get out.

ANDREW  
Xander...

XANDER  
Go.

Andrew walks out. Xander turns and looks out his window.

BRIEF FLASHES OF:

A FIGURE IN A RED ROBE

A FLASH OF A KNIFE WITH BLOOD ON IT

A Vampire bearing his teeth

A Blurred figure of a girl screaming

INT. XANDER HARRIS' BEDROOM

The same scene as before, except for the magic 8 ball is holding down the file Andrew gave Xander.

Xander wakes up in a cold sweat.

XANDER  
All right! I get it already! Sheesh.

Xander grabs the file and opens it up for the first time.

XANDER  
Let's see... Olivia Fontaine. (beat) Olivia Fontaine? Enh. I've heard worse names

ACT II

EXT. CITY STREET

Xander pulls up in his BMW and steps out of his car while talking on his cell phone. He's wearing a nice suit and overcoat

XANDER  
That's fine. Push back my meeting with the counselman Fetters until three. If he doesn't have today, find any open time he has available to talk about the Cape Kenneth Municipal center funding. (beat) Well Diane, if Mr. Banyan asks tell him I had some personal matters to attend to and that with any luck we'll never see spiders again. (beat) Yeah, I'd leave off the bit about the spiders. Thanks Diane.

EXT. SAINT BUFALARI'S SCHOOL FOR THE GIFTED

Xander looks over the school grounds. Kids in Catholic uniforms are everywhere doing the things kids do at a high school. Talking, laughing, pining, avoiding homework. Xander looks wistfully over the scene.

XANDER  
Was I ever that young?

Three kids walk away from the school towards Xander. One an attractive blond girl in a short skirt, another a red-headed girl in a more conservative manner and finally a young goofy looking boy with dark hair. Xander smiles and approaches the group.

XANDER  
Excuse me?

The kids stop and give Xander a guarded look.

XANDER  
(To the blonde)  
You wouldn't happen to be Olivia Fontaine?

The group of kids scoffs at him.

BLONDE GIRL  
WhatEVER...

REDHEAD  
Yeah... Like we'd hang out with that dweeb.

The goofy looking guy laughs and the trio walk on past Xander, who is feeling quite the fool.

XANDER  
Should have known it wouldn't have been that easy.  
(pulls out the eight ball)  
You sure this is the place?

ANSWER: Yes. Definitely

XANDER  
Great. (Suddenly Horrified) She's not a nun is she?

ANSWER: No.

Xander breathes a sigh of relief.

XANDER  
Great. Now to find her without coming off as a creepy child molester.

A geeky looking girl wearing thick framed glasses comes out of no where and runs into Xander sending books and papers everywhere. Both Xander and the girl hit the ground hard.

GIRL  
Aw Crap!

She starts crawling around on the ground and starts reorganizing her stack of books like a whirling dervish.

GIRL  
I'm so sorry mister! I'm running late to class and I wasn't looking where I was going and now my calculus is ruined. Sister Margaret is going to kill me.

XANDER  
Let me help.

Xander starts helping picking up the pile of papers. At this point we only see him from one side and so does the GIRL. The Girl seems to be in a state of low grade panic.

GIRL  
Why does this always happen to me? I can't believe how much of a klutz I am. Are you okay Mister?

XANDER  
I'm fine. Say, can you tell me which one of these girls is Olivia Fontaine?

GIRL  
(A little put off by the question)  
Why do you ask?

Xander turns full his full face to the girl to hand her a book.

XANDER  
Well I...

The GIRL takes one look at his face and starts screaming like a maniac. She runs away, books and papers fly everywhere.

XANDER  
What'd I say?

Xander looks down at the side walk.

EXT. CU of XANDER'S GLASS EYE LYING ON THE SIDEWALK.

XANDER (OS)  
Wonderful. Xander the one-eyed wonder strikes again.

EXT. MOCKINGBIRD LANE

The Girl is walking home from school. At our second glance, we can see that she is may be a little on the cute side, but covers it with the glasses and the uniform. She moves at frantic pace, talking to herself and barely looks up. She starts to turn into her house.

XANDER (OS)  
Olivia!

She jumps at the sound of her name. She looks up to see Xander and is immediately filled with fear. She drops all her books and pulls out a small canister of mace.

LIV  
Back off!

XANDER  
Relax. It's okay.

LIV  
How do you know who I am? How'd you find me?

Xander pulls out a calculus textbook and opens the cover.

XANDER  
Olivia Fontaine. 1313 Mockingbird Lane. Cape Kenneth, NH.

He closes the book shut and holds it out to her.

XANDER  
Thought you might want to avoid further problems with Sister Margaret.

She warily takes the book back.

LIV  
What happened to your eye?

XANDER  
It's a fake. I lost it a couple of years ago. I just started wearing it so the fit isn't quite right and...

Liv is making a face of disgust.

XANDER  
Right. Let's try and steer the conversation away from my eyeball.

Xander smiles. Liv isn't buying it.

XANDER  
That's a college level textbook. How old are you?

Liv still isn't buying it and tightens her grip on her mace spray.

LIV  
What do you want with me?

Xander sighs.

XANDER  
Okay... I'm going to give it to you straight. Okay?

LIV nods, but dosen't give an inch.

XANDER  
(Stumbling for words)  
All right... well... Into every generation, a Slayer is born. One girl in all the world. She alone will have the strength and skill to fight and destroy.... Well okay it's not one girl anymore, it's actually thousands and...

Liv just looks confused.

XANDER  
Okay... let me back up a bit. You're a slayer. It's your destiny to fight... evil... demons and vampires.

Liv looks seriously confused.

XANDER  
You're a slayer. The chosen one. And I'm what you call a watcher. It's my job to train and... watch you.

Liv is seriously repulsed.

XANDER  
Okay... That last bit didn't come out right.

LIV blasts Xander in the face with the mace spray.

XANDER  
Gaaahh!!

Liv runs down the street.

LIV  
Somebody help me!!

XANDER  
Wait! You're in Danger!

Xander staggers after her

EXT. CAPE KENNETH - MAIN STREET

Liv is running as fast as she can. She turns the corner into an alley and plants herself flat against the wall breathing heavily. She reaches into her coat and give herself a dose of Asthma medicine.

VOICE (OS)  
Are you okay miss?

Liv turns to see a police officer.

LIV  
Officer you got to help me! There's this one-eyed guy chasing me around saying he wants to watch me!

OFFICER  
Did he touch you?

LIV  
No. He kept calling me a slayer or something like that and that I have some sort of destiny.

OFFICER  
Well we can't have that now can we? What did he call you?

LIV  
A Slayer.

OFFICER  
Well...

The officer face morphs into a vampire. (Like you didn't see that coming!)

OFFICER  
I think we should put a stop to that right now, don't you think?

Two more vampires (face on baby!) step out into the indirect sunlight of the dark alley.

INT. ALLEY - CU on LIV

You know that look people get when they are about to wet their pants from fear? That's the look Liv has.

LIV  
(whimpering)  
Oh crap!

ACT III

INT. DARK ALLEY - MOMENTS LATER

OFFICER VAMP  
Don't worry little girl. This won't hurt... well... Actually it'll hurt a lot.

The other two vamps cackle. LIV whimpers.

OFFICER VAMP  
The say that the blood of a slayer is supposed to taste better than others. Let's find out shall we?

The Officer vamp bears his fangs and growls. Liv pulls out her mace container and sprays him in the face

OFFICER VAMP  
Glargh!!

The officer vamp flails for a second or two, but then suddenly stands up straight laughing. The other two vamps join in. The officer wipes the mace spray onto his finger and then licks it.

OFFICER VAMP  
Mmm... tasty. Little bit like tabasco.

The other vamps laugh to see such sport.

OFFICER VAMP  
She's got spunk. I love that in my prey.

The vampires laugh until two wooden quarrels pierce their chests. They have just enough time to give a look of "Oh shit" before they burst into dust.

EXT. ENTRANCE INTO THE ALLEY

Xander drops two small handheld crossbows and pulls out two wooden stakes and enters the alley.

XANDER  
Okay, who else wants to be onion soup mix?

OFFICER VAMP  
Ooooo.. The big bad man.

Xander steps forward.

XANDER  
(Trying to be a bad ass)  
Care to dance?

OFFICER VAMP  
Sure!

The officer vamp proceeds to beat the living crap out of Xander. Liv is plastered against the wall in terror. Xander tosses one of his stakes to her.

LIV  
What the hell do you want me to do with that?!

XANDER  
(Getting his face punched in)  
Kill him!

LIV  
Are you crazy?!!

The vamp starts beating Xander's head against the wall... Once...

XANDER  
Olivia!

Twice...

XANDER  
(weakly)  
Run! Get Away!

Thrice...

And Xander's down for the count. The vamp turns, smiles and starts walking towards Liv. Snarling.

He gets closer and closer. Liv is coming apart. Just as the vamp is about to take a bite, she snaps.

She stamps on the arch of his foot, smashes the heel of her hand into his eye, knees him in the groin, grabs his arm and flips him out of the alley... (a good ten feet) into the daylight.

The vampire bursts into flame and dissolves away.

Liv stands in the alley, looks at Xander, looks at the piles of the dust, looks at the entrance of the alley.... and faints.

Fade to Black

Female Voice  
Hello? You waking up there?

INT. BLURRY ROOM - XANDER'S POV

NURSE  
Mr. Harris? Come on Mr. Harris, let's see you wake up.

INT. SACRED HEART HOSPITAL - EXAMINATION ROOM

An attractive Nurse is shining a light in Xander's eye. His other eye is covered with an eye patch again. Xander is now pretty bruised up and in a standard hospital gown.

NURSE  
That's a good boy. Let's see, pupil is reactive. I'd check out the other eye, but... well you haven't got one.

Xander groans and sits up on the bed.

NURSE  
Easy does it, Sparky. You just got the stuffin' knocked out of you.

XANDER  
The girl...

NURSE  
She's fine. Nothing a little juice box filled with anti-anxiety medicine can't cure.

XANDER  
(relieved)  
She's okay?

NURSE  
She's fine. You on the other hand...

XANDER  
(smiles)  
I've had worse.

NURSE  
Hmm. So what happened to you Mr. Harris?

XANDER  
(Thinking quickly)  
Ah... I got mugged.

NURSE  
Really?

XANDER  
Yep.

Nurse pulls out a wallet and shows it to Xander.

NURSE  
There's three hundred in cash in here and a bunch of credit cards. I don't think they were after your money.

Xander takes the wallet from her and starts to panic...

The Nurse straps on a blood pressure cuff on his arm and checks his blood pressure.

NURSE  
According to the little girl these guys had both facial deformities and a set a teeth longer than my arm.

XANDER  
Probably overreacting.

The Nurse pulls off the cuff.

NURSE  
Maybe. All I know is that in the last few weeks I've seen an increase in throat lacerations that would make your hair stand on end. In the last two weeks we've had the blood bank robbed six times. I've seen people scared of of their minds talking about mutants walking the street drinking human blood. Most people would say that these people are crazy or stoned to the gills. I'm not most people. Most people aren't likely to bet either, but I'm betting your a betting kind of guy. Am I right?

Xander has no clue where this is going and doesn't respond. The Nurse sticks a thermometer in his mouth.

NURSE  
Do you believe in Vampires?

Xander's eye almost pops out of his head. He reaches for the thermometer.

NURSE  
Leave it in. Just nod yes or no.

Xander nods.

NURSE  
I bet those people who "mugged" you weren't human at all but were vampires, wouldn't you Mr. Harris?

Xander nods again, amazed at the woman's clarity of thought. The thermometer beeps and the Nurse takes it out of his mouth. She smiles.

NURSE  
I've got just one question for you, Mr. Harris.

Xander smiles back. The Nurse's smile quickly evaporates.

NURSE  
(Angry)  
What the hell were you doing chasing my daughter into an alley full of vampires?

INT. CU - NURSE'S NAME TAG

It reads "Lucy Fontaine, RN".

XANDER  
Oh Crap.

ACT IV

INT. SACRED HEART HOSPITAL - EXAMINATION ROOM (LATER)

Liv and Lucy Fontaine stand across from Xander with their arms crossed looking angry. Xander still sits on the bed looking beat up.

XANDER  
Can... Can I have my pants back?

LUCY  
Yeah, I don't think so. Not until we get some answers.

XANDER  
Okay.

LUCY  
Okay... First question.

LIV  
(interrupting)  
Did you pick my homework off the sidewalk? I have a history test tomorrow and...

LUCY  
(Gently)  
Sweetie, not now.

LIV  
Oh. Sorry.

LUCY  
(affectionately toward Liv)  
You'll have to forgive Liv. She's a little OCD when it comes to school.

LIV  
(Stern)  
Mom!

LUCY  
Shh! Quiet dear, I'm talking to a psychopath.

XANDER  
Okay... First things first.  
(points to himself)  
Not a psychopath!

LUCY  
Jury's still out on that one, Sparky.

XANDER  
Fine. Then there's the vampires, those you admit exist.

LUCY  
Yes.

LIV  
Yes.

XANDER  
Okay, there are also Slayers. Vampire Slayers. There used to be just one, but about seven years ago that all changed. All the girls that were potential slayers, got to become actual... slayers.

Liv and Lucy exchange a startled glance.

XANDER  
Let me guess... something happened seven years ago.

LIV  
(freaking out a little)  
I was...

Liv loses her mind a little.

LUCY  
She was in a softball game. All of a sudden this thing just... whammo! hit her and she was like...

XANDER  
Strong.

LUCY  
Yeah. She was at the plate, the pitch came and...

XANDER  
She knocked it out of the park.

LUCY  
No the bat flew out of her hands and flew out waaaaay in left field, hit the outfielder on the forehead, knocked him out, bounced... and then knocked down the scoreboard.

LIV  
I'm not very good at sports.

XANDER  
So you've got the strength. Probably agility and instinctive fighting skills too.

LIV  
(disagreeing)  
Oh, no.

LUCY  
She's a total klutz.

LIV  
Totally.

Xander's a little confused, but he presses on. He's good at that.

XANDER  
Anyhow, apparently out of all the potentials, there is supposed to be one true line of slayers. The Chosen. When the one or... when the two slayers before you die, you will be the... no... okay... you're part of the chosen line of slayers. Until you die and then..

LIV  
Did you say die?

LUCY  
Die. He definitely said die.

XANDER  
That didn't come out right.

LUCY  
Yeah, you're not selling this very well.

XANDER  
Look, she's not going to die...

LUCY  
You can guarantee that?

XANDER  
(beat)  
No. I can't. But I've done this training before, I can train your daughter.

LUCY  
To fight? No way. She's not a fighter.

XANDER  
I think she is.

LUCY  
I know my daughter! Besides who's going to train her? You? You got the crap beat out of you! Forget it! She's not going to fight anyone.

XANDER  
She already did.

Lucy gives him a confused look.

XANDER  
Olivia...

LIV  
Liv. Only my grandmother calls me Olivia.

Xander smiles.

XANDER  
Liv... What happened to the third vampire?

Liv looks at the floor.

LUCY  
Sweetie?

LIV  
I... don't really remember.

XANDER  
You dusted him didn't you?

Liv nods.

LUCY  
That doesn't mean anything.

XANDER  
You're right. It doesn't. But let me tell you something, this isn't going to be the end of it. There's going to be more. And it is going to be worse than you possibly imagine. I've let it ruin my life, I've tried to lead a normal life and ignore what is going on, but I can't do that anymore. It's cost me too much. It's cost me friends, loved ones, my...

Xander closes his eyes and tries to get a grip.

XANDER  
The cost is nothing compared to what will happen if I don't train your daughter.

LUCY  
No. Absolutely...

LIV  
Mom, no.

LUCY  
Honey... he's...

LIV  
He's right. You've told me what you've been seeing lately here. The abilities I have... It's like I suddenly became Superman. Or Supergirl. Except I can't fly. Ooo! Can I..?

XANDER  
No.

LIV  
(disappointed)  
Oh.  
(perky)  
Well, that's okay. I kicked some major booty. What am I? A slayer? Maybe this is what I'm meant to do.

LUCY  
Honey, this is not a game. You're going to get yourself killed, and this psychopath is the one who's going to get you killed.

XANDER  
I assure you Ms. Fontaine: If your daughter dies, I'll already have died trying to protect her. And the world won't be much farther behind.

LUCY  
That's supposed to be comforting?

LIV  
Mom, I've been scared for so long. Being a freak. Having to watch myself every moment of every day. I think... I think I need this.

LUCY  
I don't know honey...

XANDER  
Look, let me train her so she can at least protect herself. Protect you and this town. Let me try.

LIV  
Please Mom?

Liv puts her head on her Mom's shoulders and gives her "the look"

LUCY  
Oh god, please not the puppy dog eyes!

LIV  
Pleeeaaassse?

LUCY  
I'm going to regret this. I just know it.

Lucy shares a look with Xander.

LUCY  
You going to tell me different?

XANDER  
No.

Lucy nods.

LUCY  
Thanks for being honest.

Lucy reaches around and tosses Xander's pants to him.

LUCY  
Here's your pants.

XANDER  
Thanks.

He grins, she doesn't.

INT. AN OLD CAVE/SANCTUARY

Runes are burned into the walls, candles are burning everywhere. Three hooded figures in red stand at points on a triangle burned into the floor.

Figure #1  
The watcher has found his student.

Figure #2  
No Matter. It is all according to plan.

Figure #3  
The hellmouth will be reborn.

FADE TO BLACK

END ACT IV


	2. Training Day

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Xander struggles to train his new slayer charge, who'd rather have her head in a book than a stake in her hand.

FADE IN:

EXT. CAPE KENNETH CEMETERY - NIGHT

XANDER and LIV walk among the tombstones as Xander gives Liv  
her first tutorial. Xander is dressed for action. Liv is  
still in her catholic school girl outfit. Both are carrying  
large axes.

XANDER  
Okay... Now there's six different  
cemeteries in Cape Kenneth. The  
trick is to find the ones that have  
the most activity, find the vamps'  
favorite hiding spots and make sure  
you hit them at random times during  
the week.

LIV  
Okay.

XANDER  
Now let that be your first lesson.  
Your next lesson is clothing.

LIV  
What's wrong with my uniform?

XANDER  
Nothing. Nothing at all. However  
you will be going after creatures  
of the night and it's important to  
dress appropriately.

LIV  
How do slayers' dress?

XANDER  
Well... My personal experience is  
that they um... well dress in tight  
revealing clothing that would make  
it impossible to fight in.

LIV  
Is the point to distract the  
creatures of the night with my  
breasts and butt?

XANDER  
Um... Possibly. Let's just say you  
shouldn't wear anything you don't  
want shredded or oozed on.

Liv shudders and makes a face.

XANDER  
Now on to the...

EXT. CAPE KENNETH CEMETERY - BLURRY VISION  
A demon is seen digging up a grave and then turning to attack.

EXT. CAPE KENNETH CEMETERY - NORMAL TIME

XANDER  
(reeling)  
Whoa.

Xander wobbles and then grabs a gravestone to sit on.

LIV  
(Freaked out)  
Mr. Harris?

XANDER  
I'm all right. I just had a...

LIV  
What?

XANDER  
A premonition. Stay close.

LIV  
(panicking)  
I thought you said I wouldn't have  
to kill anything tonight!

XANDER  
Shh... Calm down. With any luck  
it'll...

A demon jumps out behind them with a roar. Liv screams  
bloody murder. Xander engages it with his ax.

XANDER  
Liv, flank it!

LIV  
What?!

XANDER  
Go after it! Kill it!

Liv hesitates and Xander pays the price. The demon smacks  
Xander around causing him to drop his guard and his ax. The  
demon begins to strangle Xander while Liv is still frozen in  
fear.

XANDER  
(strangled)  
Little... help... here...

Suddenly Liv snaps into action. She charges the demon,  
sweeps the leg knocking it over on the ground. Without a  
second thought she raises the ax and smashes it down on the  
demon resulting in an explosion of green goo that totally  
covers her. Liv is horrified.

Xander rushes to her side

XANDER  
That was fantastic! I knew you had  
it in you! I knew...

Xander stops as Liv turns to look at him. Xander holds her  
by the shoulders.

XANDER  
What's wrong?

Liv pukes all over Xander.

XANDER  
I see.

Liv pukes again.

XANDER  
That's it keep it coming.

Liv pukes yet again.

XANDER  
Oh boy.

END TEASER

ACT I  
EXT. FONTAINE HOUSE - NIGHT

LUCY(VO)  
You told me that this was just a  
practice run!

XANDER(VO)  
Look, I have no control over what  
happens out in the field.

INT. FONTAINE HOUSE - KITCHEN  
It's a cozy little home. Lucy is angrily washing the dishes while Xander stands there and takes it.

LUCY  
You told me she was going to be  
safe with you

XANDER  
She was safe. She was in no danger.

Lucy glares at him

XANDER  
Okay, she was in some danger. But I  
wouldn't have let anything happen  
to her.

LUCY  
And how is that supposed to happen  
when you were getting choked to death?

Xander takes a deep breath.

XANDER  
Okay... Maybe taking her out on patrol on her first night wasn't the smartest thing to do.

LUCY  
(dripping sarcasm)  
Really?

XANDER  
Tomorrow we'll...

LUCY  
I don't think you understand what  
I'm saying Mr. Harris, Do you  
really expect me to let you do this  
to my daughter? She's scared to  
death, her school uniform is ruined  
and I'm seriously questioning my  
sanity.

LIV(OS)  
Mom...

Liv enters the kitchen in her pajamas, all cleaned up.

LIV  
I'm okay. This is something I have  
to... get used to.

LUCY  
Sweetie, we're not talking about  
you walking to school on your own.  
We're talking about you fighting  
the forces of evil. And dying.  
Young. Leaving me to grow old alone  
with no one to take care of me.

LIV  
Mom, you know this is important. I  
can't just ignore who I am.

XANDER  
Look, how about this... Until you  
and I both agree she's ready, no  
mortal peril. She'll train with me  
only. Indoors. No vamps. No demons.  
No patrols.

LUCY  
Until we both agree?

XANDER  
Until we both agree.

LUCY  
(shaking her head)  
I need to get my head examined.

Liv walks over and gives her Mom a hug.

LIV  
It's okay Mom. I'll be all right.

LUCY  
You better be.

LIV  
And I promise I'll clean up all the  
demon entrails that get on my clothes.

LUCY  
Tough talk from someone who wears  
"Dry Clean Only".

XANDER  
We may want to find something a  
little more washable than her  
school uniform and a little more  
durable.

LUCY  
Ooo.. Guess what honey? We get to  
go shopping at the army surplus store!

LIV  
Always fun to hang out with the  
local militia! Can we get those  
MRE's where you just add water and 2  
minutes later it's pot roast with little  
baby potatos?

Xander smiles and picks up his coat.

XANDER  
All right then. Liv, I'll come by  
tomorrow after school to pick you up.

LUCY  
Hey! Sparky!

Xander turns and looks at the Mother-Daughter team.

LUCY  
(threatening)  
Anything happens to my daughter...  
and I'll make sure you'll never  
walk right again.

XANDER  
(flustered)  
Right. See you tomorrow. I'll  
just... I'll just show myself out.

Liv and Lucy watch him go.

LIV  
Mom, you shouldn't be so hard on  
him. He's just doing his job.

Lucy hugs Liv even tighter.

LUCY  
Protecting you is my job, kiddo.  
Not his.

EXT. SAINT BUFALARI'S SCHOOL FOR GIFTED YOUTHS

Establishing shot of the school. Kids are either talking or  
rushing off to class.

INT. SAINT BUFALARI'S - HALLWAY

Liv is gearing up for the day and packing tons of books from  
her locker, which is decorated with pictures of famous  
physicists (Einstein, Newton, Hawking).

MAYA(OS)  
Hey Worm!

Liv smiles and turns toward her best friend MAYA, your  
typical popular high school beauty queen with a surprisingly  
open-minded attitude.

LIV  
(jovially)  
Hey Airhead!

MAYA  
What happened to you the other day  
in Calculus? You totally wigged out.

LIV  
Maya, I always wig in calculus.

MAYA  
True, but you usually wait to  
breakdown into a puddle of goo when  
she asks you a question, not during  
roll call.

Maya opens her locker and starts packing her backpack.

LIV  
I just had a lot on my mind that day.

MAYA  
Uh-huh. Are you okay? You seem a  
little more wound up than usual.

LIV  
I don't know what you're talking about.

MAYA  
Liv, we've been best friends since  
the third grade. I know your moods  
better than you know the periodic  
table.

LIV  
I've just... I don't want to talk  
about it.

Maya knows Liv well enough to know when to push it and when  
not to.

MAYA  
Okay, but don't get too wound up  
over whatever it is you don't want  
to talk about. We don't need  
another explosion in the chem lab.

LIV  
That was an accident.

MAYA  
It was an accident that shut down  
the schools for three days. Not  
that I'm complaining mind you. But  
if you're going to blow anything up,  
just wait until next week.

LIV  
Why next week?

MAYA  
English midterm.

Liv smiles and looks down the hallway to see

INT. SAINT BUFALARI'S - SCHOOL ENTRANCE

BRAD VALENTINE, the high school's resident stud and star  
athlete walks down the hallway with his entourage of friends.  
LIV watches him approach with a misty expression.

BRAD  
(passing by)  
Hey there Maya! Nice outfit.

MAYA  
(rolling her eyes in disgust)  
Brad.

Brad and his group walk on by.

LIV  
(waving)  
Hi Brad!

Brad and his group don't even notice.

MAYA  
Forget it, Liv. He's a slug.

LIV  
(dreamy)  
Yeah, but he's a great looking slug.

Maya closes her locker and the two head off to class.

MAYA  
Whatever. Hey you want to get  
together after school and help me  
understand Shakespeare?

LIV  
I can't. Mom and I are going  
shopping for new clothes today.

Maya looks at her like she just grew a second head.

LIV  
What?

MAYA  
It's just that I don't think I've  
ever seen you in anything that  
wasn't a school uniform.

LIV  
That's not true.

Maya gives her a knowing glance.

LIV  
Okay, it's mostly true but... well...

MAYA  
Can't talk about it?

LIV  
No.

MAYA  
(sighs)  
Okay... Looks like I better start  
wearing a flak jacket for chem.

Liv playfully hits Maya in the arm. Maya laughs and they  
rush off to class

EXT. XANDER'S FIREHOUSE

It's an old firehouse (4-story) currently being restored.  
Construction equipment surrounds it.

XANDER(VO)  
Now when you guys told me that you  
were going to the army surplus store...

INT. XANDER'S FIREHOUSE - MAIN ROOM  
The entrance to the firehouse garage has been converted to a  
living space complete with office area, living area, kitchen  
and the required "fire pole".

LUCY and LIV stand in front of Xander. Liv is now decked out  
like she's about to go on patrol in Iraq. She's wearing a  
helmet, fatigues body armor and a flak jacket.

Instead of her normal glasses, she's wearing the specialty  
goggles you get to play racket-ball.

LUCY  
Can't be too careful

Liv stands at attention and salutes.

LIV  
Slayer-in-training reporting for duty!

Xander smiles.

XANDER  
She's just going to be training. I don't think she needs the body armor

LUCY  
Training? You mean like last night?

XANDER  
I assure you there are no demons in  
the building.

Liv laughs and begins to take off some of her hardware.

LUCY  
This is a real nice place you got here.

XANDER  
One of the benefits of being in the  
construction industry is that you  
can always find a good fixer-upper  
dirt cheap. I've been restoring her  
for the last six months.

LUCY  
You do construction?

XANDER  
Manage it mostly, but I still like  
to get my hands dirty.

Liv finally gets out of her hardware.

LIV  
Please god, don't ever make me put  
that stuff on again.

LUCY  
We'll see about that.

XANDER  
Come on up, I'll show you my newest  
project.

INT. XANDER'S FIREHOUSE - TRAINING ROOM  
The room is still in a bit of disrepair, and has several  
packing crates littered about, but the essence of the room  
is that it's a workout room. Weapons are laid out. Mats on  
the floor. Gymnastic and boxing equipment are in another  
part of the room. Some familiar elements from the original  
training studio at the Magic Box is seen.

The trio climb up the stairs

XANDER  
Liv, this is for you. It was going  
to be my entertainment center, but  
I consider it a worthy sacrifice.

LIV  
Wow.

XANDER  
I had the council ship me some of  
their old equipment. I still have  
some work to do here, but we have  
enough to start with.

LUCY  
I feel like singing "Eye of the Tiger".

XANDER  
Before we do anything else, all our  
training will be done here until  
your Mother and I agree you're ready.

LUCY  
Which, by the way, will be NEVER.

LIV  
Mom...

LUCY  
Okay, okay. At least until hell  
freezes over.

XANDER  
(sarcastic)  
Glad to have you on board.

LUCY  
(ditto)  
Happy to be here.

XANDER  
All right, Liv... let's see what  
you got..

BEGIN TRAINING MONTAGE:  
Liv tries to throw wooden stakes at a crude vampire dummy  
that bears a passing resemblance to either Spike or Angel.  
The stakes hit everything but the dummy, and breaks a lot of  
Xander's belongings

Lucy winces at each throw.

Xander gives weapon instruction a shot and walks Liv through  
using a bo staff. She ends up knocking over a ladder and  
smacking a paint can through the air, spilling paint  
everywhere. Liv gives Xander and her mom a sheepish look.

Xander tries to walk Liv through vaulting over a pommel  
horse. Liv makes her first run at the horse and ends up  
running headfirst into it. The second run she goes over the  
horse, but lands on her head. The third run... well  
something happens but we only have to see the expressions on  
Lucy and Xander's face to see that it ended badly. Very badly.

END TRAINING MONTAGE

INT. XANDER'S FIREHOUSE - MAIN ROOM

Liv is recovering from her work out. Xander is trying to put  
a positive spin on her efforts.

XANDER  
Okay... Well... We've learned some  
interesting things today.

LUCY  
That my daughter has no fighting or  
agility skills.

LIV  
(dejected)  
I suck.

XANDER  
For a first training sessions that  
was actually...

Liv and Lucy glare at him.

XANDER  
Pretty horrible.

LIV  
Are you sure I'm supposed to save  
the world?

XANDER  
I don't get it! You should have  
seen her last night! She was amazing.

LUCY  
And goo-encrusted. Let's not forget  
that.

LIV  
(relieved &  
disappointed at the  
same time)  
I guess I'm not going on patrol  
anytime soon.

XANDER  
No. Not for a while. But that's  
okay. What we need to do now is to  
put together a...

INT. CONSUL SANCTUM  
The red hooded figures stand on their usual points on the  
triangle.

CONSUL #1  
...plan to bring about the end of  
the Watcher and his trainee before  
they begin to interfere.

CONSUL #2  
She is still weak and unschooled.  
Now would be the appropriate time  
to strike.

CONSUL #3  
Gather our forces. It begins now.

END ACT I

ACT II  
INT. CAPE KENNETH - PIGGLY WIGGLY  
Lucy and Liv are doing their grocery shopping. Liv is  
dressed in her fatigues and looks like she's been through the wringer.

LIV  
I don't get it! I just seem to be  
getting worse.

LUCY  
It's only your fourth training  
session. With any luck you'll get  
worse and maybe Xander will give up  
on this whole quest to destroy all  
evil wherever it may lurk.

LIV  
Poor Mr. Harris. I would have to  
hit him in his good eye.

LUCY  
Oh he'll be fine. I'm sure once the  
swelling goes down he'll be able to  
drive again.

LIV  
Seriously, Mom. What am I going to  
do? I just...

LUCY  
Sweetie, you have enough stress in  
your life as it is. Becoming the  
protector of the world and saving  
it from apocalypses doesn't happen  
overnight.

LIV  
I know... but it just seems the  
harder I try the worse I get.

LUCY  
Keep tryin' hon. That's the best  
you can do.

LIV  
I guess

LUCY  
It is "apocalypses" or "apocalypsi"?

LIV  
Apocalypses.

LUCY  
Good. Glad to know that expensive  
education isn't going to waste.

LIV  
If I told you it was apocalypsi,  
would you know any better?

LUCY  
Gosh, that's funny, I don't  
remember paying the school any  
extra to make you a smart ass.

LIV  
That's just a freebie you get when  
you pay tuition.

LUCY  
Oh lucky me.

MAYA(O.S.)  
Hey Worm!

LUCY  
Well if it isn't my favorite Barbie  
Doll sprung to life!

Maya comes up to the girls.

MAYA  
Hey Mama Worm!

LUCY  
Please don't call me that.

MAYA  
If the name fits, I gotta call you  
it. So what's with the GI Jane  
outfit? You joining the catholic  
school version of the ROTC or are  
you just planning on taking down  
Sister Margaret?

Lucy and Liv share a look.

LIV  
Uhhh...

LUCY  
(thinking quickly)  
Survival training.

Maya is floored.

MAYA  
You? In the woods? Eating bark?

LIV  
(somewhat offended)  
What? That's so unbelievable?

Liv shoots her Mom a look.

LUCY  
We thought it would help her with  
her test anxiety. Ya, know. Toughen  
her up a bit.

MAYA  
Tell you what, those boots are killer.

CU ON BOOTS

LIV  
Believe it or not they are so  
comfortable. I wish I could wear  
them with my uniform.

LUCY  
Sweetie, you're in uniform.

LIV  
Yes. My bark-eating uniform.

MAYA  
Gotta tell ya worm, it's going to  
take a hell of a lot of bark to get  
you to face up to Sister Margaret.

LIV  
(laughing)  
Well that's the plan.

MAYA  
You crazy kids got any plans tonight?

LUCY  
Just me, my girl, a tube full of  
cookie dough, and bad movies galore.

LIV  
Want to crash? We just got Volume 2  
of MST3k. Pod People is the best!

MAYA  
You're a bit of a geek you know that?

LIV  
Is that a "yes"?

MAYA  
Yes it is. 7:30, okay?

LUCY  
Lovely.

MAYA  
Catch ya later Worm.

LIV  
Later, Airhead.

Maya takes off.

LUCY  
Think she bought it?

LIV  
I think she's onto us.

LUCY  
Well I think...

Lucy voice fades out as Liv notices a weird reflection of a figure in one of the security mirrors. She turns down to look at the end of the aisle and sees a dark figure turn the corner.

LUCY  
Sweetie?

LIV  
Huh?

LUCY  
Earth to daughter, come in daughter.

LIV  
(spooked)  
Sorry, I spaced. Are we done here?

Lucy is a little spooked by her daughter's behavior.

LUCY  
Sure, let's go.

INT. CAPE KENNETH - PIGGLY WIGGLY - END OF THE AISLE

The figure leans around the aisle and watches the Fontaines head toward the checkout. As the camera swoops in, we see it is the same type of demon that Liv fought at the beginning of the show. It hisses at Liv and pulls away.

EXT. XANDER'S FIREHOUSE - EVENING  
Establishing shot.

XANDER(V.O.)  
Well at least I know she can throw a punch.

INT. XANDER'S FIREHOUSE - MAIN ROOM

Xander sits on his couch with an ice bag over his good eye. He's talking on the phone.

XANDER  
I don't know, Will. Fate and  
destiny crap aside, I have no idea  
if I'm doing the right thing. I've  
seen the kid in action and I know  
she's got the moves but she can't  
seem to bring it on when it's  
needed. Listen, I'm going to let  
you go before these international  
calls cost me another eye. Love you  
too, sweetie.

Xander pulls off the ice bag and takes a look at his peeper in the mirror.

XANDER  
"So Xander, how'd you get the black  
eye?" Well, I got smacked in the  
face while teaching a fourteen year old girl  
how to bash a vampire's head in.  
"How was the rest of the weekend?"  
Well, Friday night I talked with my  
lesbian friend who lives in Brazil.  
The rest of the weekend was just a  
blur of bad TV and demon hunting.  
(pokes at his bruised eye)  
Yep. Purple is definitely my color.

Xander looks at the table and spies with his swollen eye the Magic Eight Ball. He picks it up and tosses it from one hand to the other.

XANDER  
Oh mysterious and all-knowing magic  
eight ball! Will the swedish bikini  
team be dropping by tonight with  
pizza and beer?

The Answer: Signs point to No.

Xander sighs.

XANDER  
Could've guessed the answer to that one.  
(beat)  
Am I doing the right thing here?

The Answer: Yes, definitely.

XANDER  
Is it me? Am I training her wrong?

The Answer: As I see it, Yes.

XANDER  
What am I doing wrong?

The Answer: Ask again later.

XANDER  
(sighs)  
Fine.  
(smiles)  
Her Mom's a hottie though, isn't she?

The Answer: Without a doubt.

XANDER  
Think I have a chance with her?

The Answer: Outlook not so good.

XANDER  
What? You don't have designs on her  
do you?

The Answer: My sources say no.

XANDER  
Of course not. You're just a small  
plastic ball.

The Answer: For the moment.

Xander balks at the response.

XANDER  
What's that supposed to mean?

The Answer: Better not tell you now.

Xander suddenly grabs the side of his head.

EXT. XANDER'S FIREHOUSE - BLURRY VISION

Three demons are making their way to the door.

EXT. FONTAINE HOUSE - BLURRY VISION

A large pack of demons approach the house.

INT. XANDER'S FIREHOUSE - MAIN ROOM

Xander shakes his head jumps off the couch and runs up the stairs

XANDER  
Damn! Damn! Damn!

The front door is blasted into smithereens as three of the demons from Xander's vision burst into the room.

They jump in and begin scouting around the room sniffing the air for Xander, growling and snarling to each other.

XANDER(OS)  
(falsetto)  
Hello? Honey is that you? I'm just  
easy prey sitting up here all alone

The demons exchange a confused look with each other.

EXT. FONTAINE HOUSE - EVENING

LIV(VO)  
Mom.. Mom, wake up.

INT. FONTAINE HOUSE - LIVING ROOM

Liv and Maya are in their pajamas. Liv still has her boots on. Lucy is half asleep on the sofa while the TV blares inane dialogue.

LUCY  
Wha?

LIV  
Go to bed Mom, you're snoring.

LUCY  
I don't snore, and I want to hear  
Ator say "Thong, the fish are ready!"

LIV  
He's already said that Mom. Now  
we're watching Trumpy kill people  
in the woods.

LUCY  
Did I miss the renaissance line?

LIV  
"Huzzah!"

LUCY  
Damn. I'm going to bed.

Lucy struggles off the couch and shuffles upstairs.

LUCY(OS)  
And I don't snore!

LIV & MAYA  
Whatever.

LUCY(OS)  
Ungrateful whelps.

MAYA  
You going to sleep in those boots?

LIV  
I just may. They're terribly  
comfortable.

Maya gives her a look.

LIV  
What?

MAYA  
You want to tell me what's going on?  
Look, I understand if you don't  
want to tell me, but I thought we  
knew everything about each other.  
That we didn't keep secrets from  
each other.

Liv looks guilty.

MAYA  
And if you expect me to buy that survival school nonsense, I must be stupider than I look.

LIV  
No.

MAYA  
Then what is it?

Liv takes a deep breath.

LIV  
I'm one of the chosen Vampire Slayers whose destiny is to save the world from vampires, demons and other supernatural phenomena.

Maya looks at Liv for a second or two and bursts out laughing.

MAYA  
Fine. Don't tell me.

Liv looks nonplussed.

INT. XANDER'S FIREHOUSE - TRAINING ROOM

The three demons creep up the stairs hissing and snarling.

XANDER(O.S.)  
A little tip.

XANDER stands across the room with a crossbow pointed at the demons.

XANDER  
Don't try a surprise attack on  
someone who has premonitions.

Xander lets the bolt fly. It hits the first demon in the head and it explodes into a puddle of goo. Xander grabs one of the battle axes and throws it at another demon, who is also hit in the head and explodes in puddle of goo. The third demon charges at Xander. Xander grabs a sword, swings and takes out another demon... but ends up covering himself in goo.

XANDER  
Lovely. Yuck.

Suddenly a thought hits him.

XANDER  
Olivia.

He grabs the ax and runs downstairs to...

INT. XANDER'S FIREHOUSE - MAIN ROOM

He grabs the eight ball

XANDER  
Is she in danger?

We don't see the answer. We don't need to. Xander is already out the door.

XANDER(OS)  
CRAP!

INT. FONTAINE HOUSE - LIVING ROOM

LIV  
So you don't believe me?

MAYA  
What? You're serious? Give me a  
break worm.

F/X: The phone rings.

LIV  
(picks up the phone)  
Hello?

XANDER  
(filtered)  
Livia! Are you okay?!

LIV  
I'm fine. Why?

XANDER  
(filtered)  
I was just attacked. They're  
probably on their way to your house.

LIV  
What?! Who?!

XANDER  
Demons. I'm on my way. Grab that bag of weapons I gave you and your Mom, go to the basement and lock the door.

LIV  
But... But...

XANDER  
Do it now!

Liv hangs up the phone

MAYA  
What's wrong?

LIV  
Come on!

Liv runs into the main foyer with Maya close behind her.

MAYA  
What's wrong?!

LIV  
Shh!

MAYA  
What is it?

LIV  
It's too late.

A pack of demons burst through the door. Maya and Liv begin to scream.

END ACT II

Act III

EXT. FONTAINE HOUSE - EVENING

Several demons are approaching the house. Screams can be heard from inside.

INT. FONTAINE HOUSE - KITCHEN

Maya and Liv run screaming into the kitchen from the front of the house trying to get to the back door. Close on their heels are two demons. Just when the girls are about to open the back door, two more demons burst through it. The girls scream and jump behind the kitchen island

INT. XANDER'S CAR  
Xander is breakin' all sorts of laws trying to the Fontaine's.

XANDER  
(muttering)  
Some premonition. What kind of premonition happens five seconds before the actual event? I tell you what kind, my kind. I had to get  
the cheap ass version of premonitions, not the good kind.

INT. FONTAINE HOUSE - KITCHEN

The demons surround the girls snarling. Maya and Liv are holding on to each other tight.

MAYA  
Whatta we do?! Whatta we do?!

LIV  
I dunno! I dunno!

Over the girls cries, we hear a woman screaming.

LIV  
Mom?!

EXT. CAPE KENNETH - CITY STREET  
Xander's car takes a sharp turn at high speed, fishtailing everywhere. Tires squeal as he zooms off.

INT. XANDER'S CAR

XANDER  
C'mon. C'mon. C'mon.

INT. FONTAINE HOUSE - KITCHEN

Lucy screams even more off-screen.

LIV  
MOM??!!!

Liv snaps into action.

She grabs a butcher's knife and a chef's knife from the  
butcher block and expertly throws them into two of the  
demons' heads. They explode instantly into goo. She then grabs a heavy duty frying pan, vaults over the kitchen island, smacking one demon to the ground with her heavy duty boots. She dispatches the standing demon with two smacks of the frying pan (more goo) and then crouches over the demon on the ground and beats its head into oblivion with the frying pan.(goo everywhere) She stands up and tosses the frying pan to Maya.

LIV  
Use this to defend yourself! I'm  
going after Mom!

Liv bursts out of the room. Maya is flabbergasted.

MAYA  
What the hell was that??!!

INT. FONTAINE HOUSE - FOYER

Like a shot, Liv grabs an old Louisville Slugger conveniently left by the front door and runs up the stairs at superslayer speed.

INT. FONTAINE HOUSE - LUCY'S ROOM

Three demons are about to pounce on Lucy as Liv bursts in through the door. The first demon gets the drop on her and gives her a one-two punch.

Liv takes the hits, blocks the third with her left arm and  
bashes the demons head in with the bat.

The other two demons rush her at the same. Liv smacks the first demon out her way with the bat and dives behind the second demon, rolls and pops up behind it. She's able to give the demon two whacks before it can throw a punch at her. She dodges the punch and hits a home run with a bat to the demon's head. The second demon tackles Liv and throws her to the ground. Liv hits the ground rolling, pops up behind the demon with her bat at the ready.

LIV  
Batter up!

Another home run hit to the head. And more goo.

LUCY  
Holy Crap!

LIV  
Mom? Are you okay?

LUCY  
Holy Crap! Did you see that?!

Xander burst into the room wielding his sword, scaring the crap out of Lucy and Liv. Adrenaline is running high.

XANDER  
Is everyone okay?!

LUCY  
What the hell were those things?

XANDER  
I don't know!

LUCY  
What were they doing in my house?

XANDER  
I don't know! Are you okay?!

LUCY  
Yes!

XANDER  
What happened?

LUCY  
(can't wrap her mind around it)  
Liv... Liv...

XANDER  
Liv?

Liv is a trembling ball of nerves about to burst into tears. Xander turns her gently by the shoulders so she's facing him.

XANDER  
You did it. Didn't you?

LIV  
Uh-huh.

Xander pulls her into a hug.

XANDER  
That's my girl.  
(takes a half-step back)  
Are you okay? Are you hurt?

Liv bends over and vomits on Xander's shoes.

XANDER  
That's my girl.

Liv vomits again.

XANDER  
You okay?

LIV  
I'm sorry.

XANDER  
It's okay. You did what you're supposed to do.

LIV  
I did?

XANDER  
You did.

LUCY  
Sweetie?

LIV  
Mom?

LUCY  
I think you're ready now.

Liv rushes over to her Mom and the embrace each other tightly. Liv starts to cry into her Mom's shoulder. Xander leans against the wall, sighing in relief.

Maya enters the room trembling, the frying pan held tight in her hand with a death's grip.

MAYA  
Will someone PLEASE tell me what the hell is going on around here?!

END ACT III

Act IV

INT. XANDER'S FIREHOUSE - TRAINING ROOM - DAY  
The entire gang is there, with Liv dressed again in her  
fatigues.

LUCY  
I can't thank you enough for all  
those cute construction workers  
hanging out at my house.

XANDER  
Don't worry about the cost. The  
Watcher's council now handles  
property damage expenses for Slayer  
homes, so everything will be covered.

MAYA  
What about the goo?

XANDER  
The carpet will most likely have to  
be replaced. I'm working with some  
friends who will be coming down to  
add some additional security to  
your home so you'll have better  
protection the next time you're  
invaded.

MAYA  
The next time? Worm, I'm never  
sleeping over at your house again.

LUCY  
You mean that we could have a hoard  
of demons invade...

XANDER  
We'll see what we can do to prevent  
that from happening again, but... I  
can't make any promises.

Lucy pales at the thought.

XANDER  
I can promise that the same good  
looking guys will be there to fix  
everything though.

Lucy gets a dirty grin on her face.

LIV  
So... When's our first patrol?

XANDER  
Not... Not for a while yet.

LIV  
But Mom said I was...

XANDER  
You Mom says your ready. I think we  
have some more work to do.

LIV  
But... But...

Xander picks up a stake and tosses it to her.

XANDER  
Let's try an experiment. Hit the  
vampire in the heart.

LIV  
Okay.

Liv takes careful aim and throws the stake at the dummy. She misses horribly and almost hits Maya

MAYA  
Jesus!

LIV  
Damn it! I don't get it! What am I  
doing different?

XANDER  
What did you do just now?

LIV  
I threw the stake and it went kablooie.

XANDER  
Walk me through what you just did.

LIV  
Well, I lined up my target.  
Calculated the the weight of the  
stake and the angle I needed to  
throw and release the stake and...

LUCY  
Oh my god! No wonder you sucked at  
softball!

LIV  
What?

XANDER  
Let's try this again.

Xander tosses her another stake.

XANDER  
This time I want you to face the  
other direction. Now when I say "go"  
I want you to spin around and just  
throw the stake. Don't think about  
it. Now what are we going to do?

LIV  
I'm going to spin around and...

XANDER  
GO!

Liv spins and throws the stake without thinking. The stake flies perfectly into the dummy's heart.

LUCY  
Wow! You can join the circus now.

LIV  
I did it! I did it!  
(confused)  
How'd I do that?

XANDER  
By not thinking.

LIV  
What?

XANDER  
There's one big difference between  
you and me, Liv. You live in your  
head. I go by my gut. The problem  
is that you don't trust your  
instinct and that's caused by...

LIV  
A lack of self-confidence.

XANDER  
Something we have very much in  
common. Now if there's one thing I  
do best in my life, I'd have to say  
it's me not thinking.

Lucy, Liv and Maya snicker at this. 

XANDER  
So I think by working together we  
help fix each other. Cool?

LIV  
Cool. It's just that... I guess I  
have so much to learn. I just wish  
this slayer thing came with a manual.

XANDER  
It does.

LIV  
It does??!! There's a manual??!!

XANDER  
(pointing)  
Yeah, they're in one of those boxes  
over there.

Liv immediately runs over and starts tearing open crates.

LIV  
I can't believe you didn't tell me  
this slayer thing came with a manual!

MAYA  
That's my little bookworm.

LUCY  
I know. I'm so proud.

LIV  
Maya! Get over here! There's like  
five volumes!

Maya rolls her eyes and goes to join her friend at the crate.

INT. CONSUL SANCTUM  
The hooded figures stand in their usual spots.

CONSUL #1  
It appears we have grossly  
underestimated our opponents.

CONSUL #2  
It appears that the watcher has  
been given the gift of foresight.

CONSUL #3  
No Matter. We are patient. We will  
succeed.

FADE OUT.

End Act IV


	3. Ties that Bind

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Xander's premonitons are starting to affect his job and health. If he doesn't figure out what's wrong it will mean death for everyone

TEASER

FADE IN:

EXT. BANYAN CONSTRUCTION COMPANY

BANYAN  
So Xander, how's the municipal  
building coming along?

INT. BANYAN MEETING ROOM

Xander sits with Mr. Banyan, president of the company and several other co-workers.

XANDER  
Well the permits have finally been  
approved by the zoning board, so we  
can add on the utility rooms that  
were approved in the last run off  
election.

Xander checks his notes

XANDER  
And... uh...

XANDER'S POV

Mr. Banyan has suddenly transformed into a vamped out version of SPIKE, with bleach blond hair and the infamous duster. His coffee cup has been replaced with a blood bag that he is sucking on. The guy sitting next to him has transformed into the Smile Time version of ANGEL.

BANYAN  
(bad cockney accent)  
What's wrong mate? Ya' look like ya  
lost your bollocks!

XANDER  
What?

Mr. Banyan and the co-worker are back to normal.

BANYAN  
Why are you looking at me that way?

XANDER  
What way?

Banyan gives Xander a scrutinizing look.

BANYAN  
You're not going to tackle me again  
are you?

XANDER  
Uh... No. The... um... suppliers  
have all confirmed that the  
materials we need will arrive at  
the beginning of next week.

Now Banyan is dressed up like Giles in librarian mode and is polishing his glasses. The co-worker next to him has orange hair like Oz's and is wearing a "Dingoes Ate My Baby" t-shirt.

BANYAN  
(imitating Giles)  
Oh, that's... that's wonderful news.  
Smashing.

COWORKER  
(imitating Oz)  
Cool.

Xander blinks hard. Banyan and the coworker is back to normal.

BANYAN  
Something wrong Xander?

XANDER  
Ah... ate at that new Hungarian  
restaurant. Not feeling so good.

BANYAN  
All right. Well I think we're done  
here. Good job everyone.

INT. BANYAN CONSTRUCTION COMPANY - HALLWAY

Xander exits the meeting room and starts walking to his office. On his way he passes two female coworkers. He looks over his shoulder to see one of the co-workers is now dressed like Willow in her nerdy school girl outfit and has long red hair from the first season of BTVS and the other woman has turned into a green glowing ball of energy.

Xander stops, rubs his eyes and looks back again. Now the two female co-workers look like parodies of Buffy and Faith. The co-workers stare at him like he was insane.

Xander turns around and starts walking toward his office again. His eyes almost pop out of his skull as a werewolf walks by pushing a mail cart.

WEREWOLF  
Hey there Mr. Harris!

XANDER  
(becoming unhinged)  
Hey... Jordan.

INT. XANDER'S OFFICE

Xander runs into his office and closes the door behind him. He collapses into his office chair and starts massaging his temples.

XANDER  
I'm not losing my mind. I'm not  
losing my mind. I'm not losing....

The door opens and one of the red hooded figures floats into his office and hands Xander a file folder.

CONSUL #1  
These are the estimates for the  
human sacrifices needed on the  
hellmouth project.

XANDER  
(freaking out)  
The what?!

CONSUL #1  
The building supplies for the  
Jarvis construction

XANDER  
uhhhh....

INT. XANDER'S FIREHOUSE - BEDROOM

Xander wakes up in a cold sweat.

XANDER  
Great googily-moogily.  
(sighs)  
What the hell was that?

A bald man wearing glasses pops up beside the bed holding two slices of American cheese.

CHEESE MAN  
Behold... The power of cheese.

EXT. XANDER'S FIREHOUSE  
The unearthly screams of Xander Harris echo throughout the town of Cape Kenneth.

END TEASER

ACT I  
EXT. SAINT BUFALARI'S HIGH SCHOOL  
Establishing shot.

LIV(OS)  
Hey Airhead!

INT. SAINT BUFALARI'S HIGH SCHOOL - HALLWAY

Maya is pulling her gear out of her locker. Liv leans  
against the wall.

MAYA  
Hey Worm. How's my favorite super  
freak?

LIV  
Oh... you know. Just living the  
life of a slayer-in-training.

MAYA  
Mr. Harris going to let you out of  
the box anytime soon?

LIV  
I doubt it. He's still on this  
whole "Zen of non-thinking" kick. I  
can't help it if I think. It's what  
I do.

MAYA  
This wouldn't have anything to do  
with his car being in the shop?

LIV  
That ax handle was slippery! Plus  
he said it was his fault for  
parking near the window.

MAYA  
Wasn't the car parked across the  
street?

LIV  
Shut up!

Brad Valentine and his entourage pass by.

BRAD  
Hi Maya.

MAYA  
(rolling her eyes)  
Brad.

LIV  
(grinning and waving)  
Hi Brad!

Brad and the entourage don't even notice Liv. As usual.

MAYA  
Why do you like him?

LIV  
He's cute.

MAYA  
He's a slug.

LIV  
(dreamy)  
But a cute slug.

MAYA  
Are you wearing your slayer boots?

LIV  
Yep.

MAYA  
I don't think those are dress code.

LIV  
I don't care. Sister Margaret can  
send me to detention if she wants.

MAYA  
You're a rebel.

LIV  
I'm an inspiration to all.

MAYA  
You got training after school?

LIV  
I have training everyday.

MAYA  
Mind if I hang? I hardly get to see  
you anymore.

LIV  
Ahhh.... you miss me?

MAYA  
That and the thrill of never  
knowing when a stake is going to be  
thrown at my head.

EXT. XANDER'S FIREHOUSE

LIV  
Mr. Harris?

INT. XANDER'S FIREHOUSE - MAIN ROOM  
Liv, Maya and Lucy are arriving for the afternoon training session. Liv is dressed in her standard fatigues. At the moment  
Xander sits in a stupor staring at nothing. He's wearing his eye patch and looks like he's come down with a cold.

LUCY  
Looks like Sparky went bye-bye.  
(snapping her fingers  
in front of Xander's face)  
Hello! You in there?

Xander jumps

XANDER  
(startled)  
Wha? Oh... Hi.

LIV  
You okay Mr. Harris?

XANDER  
I... um... I think I'm coming down  
with something. Had trouble  
sleeping last night. Sorry.

LUCY  
You want to skip training today?  
You look like you should be in bed.

XANDER  
Nah, I'm fine! Come on upstairs  
kiddo, I've got something new for  
you today.

Xander starts toward the staircase, trips over an ottoman and slips a little going up the stairs.

The girls give each other a wary look.

MAYA  
Last time I saw anyone look like  
that was when my mom drank an  
entire bottle of margarita mix.

LUCY  
Probably just coming down with a cold.

MAYA  
(sarcastic)  
Yeah. That must be it.

INT. XANDER'S FIREHOUSE - TRAINING ROOM

Xander greets the girls at the top of the stairs. In the corner a teenaged boy is stretching out.

XANDER  
I thought we add a little more to  
your training today and focus more  
on your hand-to-hand fighting  
skills. Since hand-to hand isn't my  
strong suit I...  
(spaces for a second)  
I.. hired a trainer for you.

LIV  
Oh. Okay.

XANDER  
Brad?

Sure enough. It's Brad Valentine. Liv is about to burst. Maya shakes her head and rolls her eyes. Lucy is highly amused.

XANDER  
This is Brad Valentine. He's the  
tae-kwon-do state champ the last  
three years running and is a  
instructor at his master's dojo.  
He'll be working with you twice a week.

Liv squeaks with excitement. Lucy tries to cover her silent laughter and avoid all eye contact.

XANDER  
Brad, this is Liv. She'll be your  
trainee. That's her mom over there  
and her friend Maya.

BRAD  
(To Maya)  
Hey Maya.

MAYA  
(disgusted)  
Brad.

BRAD  
(To Liv)  
It's nice to meet you.

Liv squeaks again.

MAYA  
You've met her before, Brad.

BRAD  
We have?

MAYA  
She goes to the same school as us Brad.

BRAD  
Really? Did you just start there?

Liv can't talk.

MAYA  
She's been there as long as you  
have Brad. In fact she's in four of  
your classes this quarter.  
(quietly)  
Dumbass.

BRAD  
Really? Huh. Well, let's get start  
shall we?

Liv nods in agreement. As Brad walks away to get things set up. Liv walks over to her friend and mother and takes off her flak jacket.

LIV  
Omigod. Omigod. Omigod.

LUCY  
Breathe sweetie. Men like women who  
know how to breathe.

MAYA  
They also like women who can communicate without going ultrasonic.

LIV  
(horrified)  
Omigod! I'm such a dork!

MAYA  
Yes. Yes you are.

LIV  
What do I do? What should I say?

LUCY  
Anything that bats can't understand  
is always a good start. Just take  
it easy.

LIV  
(spazing)  
Ok. Ok. Ok.

Liv goes over to the sparring match and Brad starts working with her, going over the basics.

Xander sits down with Maya and Lucy to watch the session.

MAYA  
Thanks for the entertainment today,  
Mr. Harris. I just wish I brought a  
camcorder.

LUCY  
Look at her. She's so cute and  
geeky. I'm going to have to hose  
her down when we get home. Her  
hormones are kicking into overdrive.

Xander is spaced out and doesn't respond.

FEMALE VOICE (VO)  
Xander?

The voice doesn't match anyone else. Xander starts looking around the room.

FEMALE VOICE (VO)  
Can you hear me Xander?

XANDER  
Did you guys say anything?

MAYA  
No.

Lucy shrugs and shakes her head.

FEMALE VOICE(VO)  
Xander, I need to talk to you.

Xander starts rubbing his temples, worried.

FEMALE VOICE(VO)  
Xander, this is important you must  
listen to me. Your life depends on it.

MALE VOICE (VO)  
I think he's ignoring you.

FEMALE VOICE (VO)  
Well duh! He thinks he's losing it!

MALE VOICE (VO)  
He is losing it.

LUCY  
Sparky...

FEMALE VOICE  
Xander...

LUCY  
Sparky!

Xander snaps out of it.

LUCY  
Earth to Sparky. Come in Sparky.

XANDER  
What?

LUCY  
Buddy, you should go to bed. You  
are dead on your feet.

XANDER  
I'm okay.

LUCY  
I've seen coma patients who have  
more energy than you.

XANDER  
I'm fine.

BRAD(OS)  
Mr. Harris?

Xander looks up.

XANDER'S POV:  
Brad is now dressed up as a vamped caricature of Angel. Liv is now dressed up in the same pajama outfit she was in "Training Day" and is covered in the same blue goo leftover from killing the demons.

BRAD  
Would you like me to kill your slayer now?

Liv nods happily at Xander.

Xander shakes his head and Brad and Liv are back to normal.

XANDER  
I'm sorry what was that?

BRAD  
Is there any particular move you'd like me to start off with.

XANDER  
Not really. Start with the basics.

LUCY(OS)  
Are you sure you're okay?

Xander turns to look at Lucy.

XANDER'S POV:  
Lucy is dressed in a ceremonial gown, her eyes are blindfolded and there's an ornate dagger sticking out of her chest. Maya is bound and gagged.

LUCY  
You don't look so good.

Maya, sounding very much like Kenny from South Park, gives a muffled agreement.

XANDER's eye rolls back in his head and he collapses on the floor.

Lucy (now back to normal) rushes to his side and starts checking him over. Brad, Liv, and Maya hover over them.

LUCY  
Honey, go call Dr. Carver and ask  
him to come over here.

Liv rushes off.

MAYA  
What's wrong with him?

LUCY  
I'm not sure. Brad? Will you help  
me carry him to his bed?

BRAD  
Sure.

INT. CONSUL SANCTUM

CONSUL #1  
The watcher is incapacitated.

CONSUL #2  
By what manner?

CONSUL #3  
Unknown. Should we mount an attack?

CONSUL #1  
The Ypoog demons proved unsuccessful  
against the Slayer.

CONSUL #2  
Vampires will not be able to enter  
the domicile uninvited.

CONSUL #3  
Perhaps a Mushannu Nyork demon?

CONSUL #1  
Excellent. We'll begin the ceremony  
at once.

INT. XANDER'S FIREHOUSE - BEDROOM

The doctor is talking with Lucy. Xander is lying in his bed with Liv and Maya sitting around him.

DOCTOR  
I'm sorry Lucy, but I can't find a  
thing wrong with him. No  
temperature, nothing.

LUCY  
What should we do?

DOCTOR  
Keep an eye on him. If he gets any  
worse... Bring him to the hospital.

LUCY  
Thanks for coming out, John.

DOCTOR  
No problem.

MAYA AND LIV are staring at Xander curiously.

MAYA  
What do you think is going on?

LIV  
Maybe it's some sort of virus.

MAYA  
He doesn't have a fever.

LIV  
Maybe it's a non-fever virus.

LUCY  
Girls. Stop sucking up all his oxygen.

LIV  
What should we do Mom?

LUCY  
How about you two look around and see if you can find anyone's phone number. I'll see if I can russle up  
some food.

The girls go downstairs while Lucy hangs back a bit and takes a look at the pictures that Xander has on his bedside table. (Anya & Xander, Willow, Buffy & Xander, and a young African girl with Xander).

MALE VOICE(OS)  
She's a hottie.

FEMALE VOICE(OS)  
Not his type.

MALE VOICE(OS)  
How do you know that?

FEMALE VOICE(OS)  
Duh! I was his type.

MALE VOICE(OS)  
Emphasis on was.

Lucy doesn't hear the conversation going on and follows the girls downstairs.

FEMALE VOICE (OS)  
Let's get this thing started.

MALE VOICE (OS)  
Any suggestions?

The camera moves in on Xander. A female hand reaches in and gently shakes him.

FEMALE VOICE  
(gently)  
Xander? Xander?

MALE VOICE  
Is he dead?

FEMALE VOICE  
No.

MALE VOICE  
Try again.

FEMALE VOICE  
Xander?

No reaction. This time the hand smacks him on the chest.

FEMALE VOICE  
XANDER!

Xander jumps up.

XANDER  
Wha? Huh?

Xander looks up to see...

Cordelia Chase, dressed in resplendent robes. Next to her is Doyle, in demon mode dressed in his normal clothes.

CORDELIA  
Hey Dork.

Off Xander's confused expression...

END ACT I

ACT II

INT. XANDER'S FIREHOUSE - BEDROOM  
Xander sits in shock looking at his "dead" ex-girlfriend.

XANDER  
Cordelia?

CORDELIA  
In the flesh, so to speak. I don't  
think you ever met Doyle.

DOYLE  
Hey there! Glad to finally meet you.

Xander gets up and looks back in the bed only to see himself lying there.

XANDER  
Uh.. Hi. Am I dead?

CORDELIA  
No.

DOYLE  
Oh, no.

XANDER  
Then what's going on?

Cordelia and Doyle exchange glances.

XANDER  
What?

DOYLE  
Well... You're dying.

XANDER  
I'm dying?! Why?

CORDELIA  
Because of your rotten fashion sense.

XANDER  
Really?

CORDELIA  
No! Duh! It's the visions. They're  
killing you. If we don't act soon...  
well you'll get to spend the rest  
of eternity with me.

XANDER  
Oh, so I'm going to hell?

CORDELIA  
Hardy-har-har.  
(cuffs Xander's head)  
Dork.

INT. XANDER'S FIREHOUSE - MAIN ROOM  
Liv and Maya are looking through some of the books from the training room. A half eaten pizza is sitting in front of them. Lucy is on the phone.

LUCY  
Yes, well I don't think  
(adopting cockney accent)  
"throwing a bucket of bloody ice  
water on the dork"  
(normal accent)  
is going to do anything. Uh-huh.  
Uh-huh. Well you may find that  
terribly amusing, but all that's  
going to get me is a wet unconscious  
guy.  
(holds hand over the  
phone to talk with Liv)  
Who the hell am I talking to?

LIV  
I don't know, I just called the  
Cleveland branch of the Watchers'  
Council and he answered the phone.

LUCY  
(back to phone)  
Is there anyone else I can talk to?  
Preferably with half a brain?  
(beat)  
Well there's no reason to be rude!  
Hello? Hello? Oh great, another  
British person! Cheerio! God save  
the Queen and all that. Think maybe  
you can help me with Xander being a  
coma patient?!

Lucy stomps off into the kitchen.

MAYA  
Your Mom's got great phone etiquette.

LIV  
She takes a lot of pleasure in  
making telemarketers cry.

MAYA  
What are we looking for exactly?

LIV  
Not sure. Since there wasn't any  
medical reason, I thought we'd take  
the mystic route.

MAYA  
This better not become a normal  
routine.

CORDELIA (OS)  
So that's the new slayer, huh?

Xander, Cordelia and Doyle are sitting across from the girls. The girls cannot see or hear them.

DOYLE  
Looks like you got your work cut  
out for ya.

XANDER  
Tell me about it. She's a great kid  
though.

DOYLE  
The mom of hers is a hottie.

XANDER  
Oh yeah.

DOYLE  
Are you...

CORDELIA  
Doyle!

DOYLE  
What?

CORDELIA  
Focus. We don't have a lot of time.

XANDER  
Okay. So. How do I stop from dying?

DOYLE  
Beats me.

CORDELIA  
Haven't a clue.

XANDER  
So you two are just here to  
antagonize me while I die?

DOYLE  
Hey, you're the one who put your  
brain on overload and started the  
meltdown.

XANDER  
What?

CORDELIA  
Too much information Doyle.

DOYLE  
What am I supposed to tell him?

CORDELIA  
This is that whole "feed a man a  
fish thing and he dies the next day  
because you didn't show him how to  
fish".

DOYLE  
What?

CORDELIA  
He's got to figure it out for himself.

DOYLE  
Ohhhh... We're doing the shepherd  
thing.

XANDER  
So what? We're going to play 20  
questions and if I don't figure it  
out, I die?

DOYLE  
That sounds about right.

CORDELIA  
Oh, and if you die, they'll die too.

XANDER  
All right. No pressure here. Anyone  
want to tell me why?

DOYLE  
Can't tell 'ya that.

XANDER  
Well, what can you tell me?

Cordelia and Doyle share a look.

DOYLE  
It's all about you.

INT. XANDER'S FIREHOUSE - KITCHEN  
Lucy is getting increasingly agitated.

LUCY  
Let me get this straight... you  
have no idea what's going on, you  
don't know what to do and you think  
I should call this witch in Brazil?  
What is it with you watcher-type  
people? I can't believe you are all  
this thick!  
(beat)  
Well I have a right to be "snippy"!  
Fine. Thank you, I'll hold.

Liv enters and grabs a soda from the refrigerator.

LIV  
How's it going?

LUCY  
Well "Rupert" was just as helpless  
as the other Brit, but he was a  
whole lot nicer. What about you?

LIV  
I found a spell that will remove  
warts and put them on someone else  
you don't like and in the location  
you want.

LUCY  
Let's save that spell for the next  
time Grandma comes to town. Nothing  
for Sparky?

LIV  
Still looking.

LUCY  
Keep it up.  
(to the phone)  
Hello? Who's this?  
(Beat)  
"Buffy"? You're kidding me right?  
(Beat. Saracasm)  
Oh, I can see you're going to be  
very helpful.  
(Puts the phone down  
to her side and yells  
into the other room)  
These watcher people are going to  
be the death of me!

INT. CONSUL SANCTUM  
The trio of hooded figures stand in their usual positions. In the middle is a unusually large and ugly demon.

CONSUL #1  
We command you to do our bidding.

CONSUL #2  
Serve us well and we will reward you.

CONSUL #3  
Disobey and you will be destroyed.

The demon snorts and growls in response.

CONSUL #1  
The watcher is incapacitated.

CONSUL #2  
Go to his domicile and kill  
everyone in it.

CONSUL #3  
Don't snack on the way there.

The demon snorts and lumbers off.

INT. XANDER'S FIREHOUSE - MAIN ROOM  
Lucy and Maya continue to pour over the magic books.

LUCY (OS)  
Fine! Fine! I'll call Brazil!

MAYA  
Your Mom isn't doing well.

LIV  
Neither are we.

Xander, Cordelia and Doyle sit on the other side of the room.

XANDER  
Look, I don't even understand what  
this whole vision thing is about or  
how I got it.

CORDELIA  
Oh, that's easy. I gave it to you.

DOYLE  
And I gave it to her.

XANDER  
You did this to me? You had powers?  
When did this happen?

CORDELIA  
Hello? When I was in LA? Helping  
Angel?

Xander shrugs. He has no clue.

CORDELIA  
Okay did you, like, even talk to anyone  
after Sunnydale? This is not uncommon  
knowledge.

XANDER  
Oh sorry! You're not the only one who had  
to deal with multiple apocalypses. Things  
like ex-girlfriends getting goofy powers  
really didn't come up.

CORDELIA  
Typical.  
(sighs)  
Well I knew you were going to need  
it. I just didn't think you would  
screw up something so simple.

DOYLE  
Oh, like you had an easy time with it.

CORDELIA  
I didn't say it was easy, I said it  
was simple. All you gotta do is sit  
there, wait for the blinding pain  
and then tell someone about it. He  
had to go screw it up.

XANDER  
How did I screw it up?

Suddenly Doyle and Cordelia sit up straight.

CORDELIA  
Did you...

DOYLE  
Yeah... It's coming. You better  
hurry up Xander.

XANDER  
What's coming?

CORDELIA  
You see, this is the problem. Right  
here.

XANDER  
What? Ah...  
(Xander's hand flies up to his head)  
Ahhh... Ahhh...

DOYLE  
That's it buddy...

Xander is in obvious pain

XANDER  
It hurts!

CORDELIA  
(holds on to his hand)  
Hang in there.

Xander starts to scream.

Lucy and the girls run for the stairs

INT. XANDER'S FIREHOUSE - BEDROOM  
Xander is thrashing around in the bed holding his head and screaming.

XANDER  
No! No! No! I don't want it!

The girls are trying to hold him down.

LUCY  
Don't let him hurt himself!

INT. XANDER'S FIREHOUSE - MAIN ROOM  
Both Cordelia and Doyle are holding Xander's hand.

XANDER  
It hurts!

CORDELIA  
I know. Hold on.

DOYLE  
Let it come.

INT. XANDER'S FIREHOUSE - BEDROOM

XANDER  
Stop it! Leave me alone!

The girls continue to struggle. Liv snaps and smacks Xander across the face.

A HUGE STREAM OF GROSS AND DISTURBING IMAGES ZIP BY ON THE SCREEN.

INT. XANDER'S FIREHOUSE - MAIN ROOM  
Cordelia and Doyle's heads snap back as if they were hit. Xander suddenly isn't in pain any more and is breathing heavily like he just ran a seven minute mile.

CORDELIA  
Whoa!

XANDER  
What... the hell... was that?

DOYLE  
That my friend was what we like to  
call a mental enema.

CORDELIA  
Gross. Accurate, but gross.

XANDER  
So I'm cured?

DOYLE  
You're not out of the woods yet.

XANDER  
My god what do I have to do to  
fix this?

Cordelia and Doyle just give him a look.

CORDELIA  
Okay, I thought we were making  
progress...

XANDER  
What? What am I doing wrong?

DOYLE  
Can we just tell him? He's not  
going to get it on his own.

CORDELIA  
We can't.

INT. XANDER'S FIREHOUSE - BEDROOM  
Lucy is checking over Xander

LIV  
(worried)  
I didn't kill him did I?

LUCY  
No sweetie. He's... He's still the  
same. Why don't you keep looking  
through the books. I'll call Brazil.

LIV  
(shaken)  
Okay.

MAYA  
Yippee. More obscure texts.

Liv and Maya go downstairs. Lucy picks up the phone and starts to dial a number from a piece of paper. She stops and leans in to whisper in Xander's ear.

LUCY  
Sparky? I'm not sure what you're  
doing in there, but you better  
figure it out soon. 'Cuz you're  
scaring the crap out of me.

INT. XANDER'S FIREHOUSE - MAIN ROOM  
Liv and Maya come downstairs. Liv is visibly shaken up.

LIV  
I... I.. didn't mean to hit him so  
hard.

MAYA  
It's okay, Worm.

LIV  
What if I've made him worse?

MAYA  
Liv, get a grip. He's going to be  
okay.

Xander is standing watching Liv with concern. Cordelia and Doyle stand next to him.

CORDELIA  
What is it Xander?

XANDER'S POV:  
Maya and Liv are now dressed in their pajamas from "Training Day". Liv is covered in the blue goo from killing all the demons.

XANDER face lights up.

XANDER  
Oh my god.

FLASHBACK:

INT. FONTAINE HOUSE - LUCY'S BEDROOM - XANDER'S POV  
Liv is in her pajamas, covered with blue goo and on the verge of tears.

INT. XANDER'S FIREHOUSE - MAIN ROOM - PRESENT

XANDER  
It's her.

END ACT II

ACT III

INT. XANDER'S FIREHOUSE - KITCHEN

Lucy is on the phone and is pulling out her hair.

LUCY  
(slowly)  
Willow Rosenberg. I'm trying to  
find Willow Rosenberg. Can anyone  
there speak English? English?  
(off the phone)  
Anyone here speak portuguese?

Liv walks in and takes the phone from her mother

LIV  
Hello, eu quis saber se você pudesse  
nos ajudar encontrar Willow Rosenberg?  
Há um problema a respeito de seu amigo  
Xander Harris e nós necessitamos  
sua ajuda.  
(beat)  
Obrigado.  
(hands phone back to her mother)  
Hold on, they're looking for her.

Liv walks out of the kitchen. Lucy looks on in shock.

LUCY  
You're a freak of nature. You know  
that, right?

LIV(OS)  
Tomadas uma para conhecer um!

LUCY  
I don't know what that meant, but  
you're grounded missy!

INT. XANDER'S FIREHOUSE - MAIN ROOM

Xander watches Liv as she goes and sits down with Maya again. Doyle and Cordelia stand next to him.

XANDER  
It's her isn't it?

CORDELIA  
She's not causing it if that's what  
you mean.

XANDER  
No but she's the reason why I'm  
having this problem.

DOYLE  
What are you seeing?

XANDER  
She's... I see her from the other  
night. After she killed all those  
demons on her own. Alone. She was...  
scared.

CORDELIA  
So?

XANDER  
So... I'm not sure.

DOYLE  
What happened that night?

XANDER  
She left that evening after  
training. I sat down and had a  
meaningful conversation with the  
Magic Eight ball and then...

DOYLE  
Yes.

XANDER  
That was the last true premonition  
I had.

DOYLE  
Ahh... the lights are on but...

XANDER  
I haven't had anything for two  
weeks since then.

CORDELIA  
Do you understand now Xander?

XANDER  
No.

DOYLE  
(sighs)  
There's nobody home.

CORDELIA  
Think about that image you told us  
about. Tell us about Liv

XANDER  
She was scared. She almost died. I  
didn't get there fast enough.

Cordelia and Doyle share a look.

CORDELIA  
What happened in Africa, Xander?

The question hits Xander hard.

XANDER  
(bitter)  
You know what happened.

DOYLE  
We do. But you couldn't have  
stopped it.

XANDER  
She died because of my carelessness.

DOYLE  
She died because she was a slayer.  
That's one thing in life that never  
changes.

XANDER  
That's supposed to make me feel better?

CORDELIA  
No. It's to remind you that you  
can't fix everything. Don't let  
your guilt cause the death of  
another Slayer.

XANDER  
(angry)  
What does my guilt have to do with  
anything?!

CORDELIA  
"She was scared. She almost died."  
You didn't like that.

XANDER  
No.

DOYLE  
You didn't want to see her that way.  
In jeopardy.

XANDER  
No.

CORDELIA  
So...

XANDER  
I blocked the premonitions.

Xander grabs his head and doubles over in pain.

XANDER  
Aaaaahhh!!!

INT. XANDER'S FIREHOUSE - KITCHEN

LUCY  
I'm not sure what happened. He  
looked like someone had run him  
over with a truck and then...

Liv and Maya dash into the room with a book

MAYA  
I think I found something.

LIV  
Mr. Harris has the ability to  
receive limited premonitions of the  
future.

MAYA  
We think he might be caught in  
some sort of premonition loop.

LUCY  
(on the phone)  
Did you get that? Uh-huh. Uh-huh.  
Okay.  
(to the girls)  
This is what we do...

A hand grabs the phone away from Lucy. It's Xander.

XANDER  
Hey, Will. Sorry to drag you off  
the beach. I'm fine. I'm fine! Look,  
a big bad is on way. Can't talk now.  
Call you later. Bye.

Lucy, Liv and Maya are in shock. Xander points to Liv and Maya.

XANDER  
You were right.  
(points to Lucy)  
Next time something happens to me,  
call Willow first. She's... She's smart.

LUCY  
Are you okay?

XANDER  
No time to talk. You and Maya go  
and hide in the basement.  
(grabs his head)  
Ow! Sorry. Bedroom. Hide under the  
bed. Liv, you're with me. Go! Go! Go!

They all run to the stairs.

INT. XANDER'S FIREHOUSE - MAIN ROOM - MOMENTS LATER  
Xander and Liv are suited up for battle. Liv is in full battle gear, and Xander is going over all her body armor.

XANDER  
Okay, you know the plan?

LIV  
Yes.

XANDER  
How you feeling?

LIV  
Scared.

XANDER  
Breathe kiddo.

Liv takes a deep breath.

XANDER  
We're going to get through this.  
All right?

LIV  
Okay.

XANDER  
Now the most painful thing is about  
to occur.

LIV  
What's that?

The demon bursts through the door, smashing it to bits.

XANDER  
I just had that replaced.

Liv is rooted to the floor.

XANDER  
Let's go!

Liv takes a deep breath and dives into battle.

INT. XANDER'S FIREHOUSE - MAIN ROOM  
Cordelia and Doyle are sitting on the couch, watching the battle, eating popcorn and drinking a beer. Demon screams are heard in the background

DOYLE  
I sure don't miss this part of the job.

CORDELIA  
I hear that.

DOYLE  
Duck.

Cordelia and Doyle duck down as Xander goes flying into the wall. Xander climbs back over the couch.

XANDER  
Go for the knees!

Xander picks up his sword and dives back into the fray.

CORDELIA  
He's going to feel that tomorrow.

DOYLE  
I can't believe we used to do that  
for a living.

CORDELIA  
Duck.

They duck. Liv flies into the wall, she bounces off, lands on her feet and charges back in.

DOYLE  
She's pretty good.

CORDELIA  
Got a lot to learn though.

DOYLE  
I like her.

CORDELIA  
Yeah. She's got spunk.

We hear Liv give a battle cry.

DOYLE  
Oh here we go...

The demon falls to the ground with Liv's battle ax embedded in its head.

CORDELIA  
Hmm... Shame about the floor.

The floor begins to creak. Suddenly the demon's body crashes through the floor

XANDER (OS)  
Aw, crap.

Xander and Liv are standing over the large hole the demon's body made as it crashed through the floor. Xander is pretty bruised and battered, and is bleeding from his side

XANDER  
I can't believe this. I just had  
the floors redone.  
(sighs)  
You okay?

LIV  
I'm fine. Oh my God! You're bleeding.

Xander checks his side.

XANDER  
Yeah and I think I sprained my  
ankle, you better go get your mom.

LIV  
(Running to and up  
the steps)  
Mom! We need you!

Xander looks at the hole in the floor and just shakes his head.

XANDER  
Maybe I'll put in a pool.

Xander limps toward the stairs.

END ACT III

INT. XANDER'S FIREHOUSE - BEDROOM  
Liv and Lucy are climbing up the stairs into Xander's bedroom. Xander is sitting on a chair with his leg propped up reading. Construction noises are coming from below.

LIV  
Hey Mr. Harris!

XANDER  
Hey kiddo!

LUCY  
When those guys are done, can they  
come to my house?

XANDER  
Didn't they fix everything?

LUCY  
(sly grin)  
Yeah, I just want them to come to  
my house.

LIV  
(sotto)  
Mom...

XANDER  
Hey Liv, I need to talk your mother.  
Brad's already here, why don't you  
get started on your training.

LIV  
(excited)  
Okay!

Liv bolts for the steps to the training room.

LUCY  
So you want to talk to me, eh?

XANDER  
Yeah.

LUCY  
Take off your shirt.

XANDER  
Wha...?

Lucy pulls a sterile gauze patch and some medical adhesive tape from her purse.

LUCY  
I want to change your bandage and  
check your stitches to make sure  
they haven't gotten infected.

XANDER  
Oh. Okay.

Xander takes off his shirt and holds his left arm over his head so Lucy can have easier access. Throughout the scene Lucy changes the bandage on Xander's chest.

LUCY  
So, what did you want to talk to me  
about?

XANDER  
It's about Liv.

LUCY  
Uh-huh.

XANDER  
I... I think you need to know what  
happened to me before I came to  
Cape Kenneth.

LUCY  
Okay.

XANDER  
The last slayer I trained was  
Lateesha. She was the little sister  
of a slayer I knew from... well...  
way back when. Her parents didn't  
want her to go to the training  
academies in England or America, so  
I went to her.

LUCY  
Is that her picture on your dresser?

XANDER  
Yes.

LUCY  
What happened to her?

XANDER  
She died. I sent her out on patrol  
and asked her to take out a nest of  
vampires. The nest of what I  
thought were 3 or 4 vampires  
actually turned out to be a dozen.  
I failed her and she died as a result.

LUCY  
I see.

XANDER  
I'm sorry I should have told you this.

LUCY finishes taping up the gauze on Xander's wound.

LUCY  
I understand why you didn't.

XANDER  
If you want, I can have another  
Watcher assigned to her and...

LUCY  
(interrupting)  
Did Liv ever tell you what happened  
to her father?

Xander gives her a puzzled look.

XANDER  
She mentioned that he died in a car  
crash.

LUCY  
I'm going to tell you something  
that I've never told Olivia... or  
anyone else for that matter. But  
you have to promise that you'll  
never tell her what I'm about to  
tell you.

XANDER  
Okay.

Lucy takes a deep breath.

LUCY  
You remember when you said that  
Olivia lived in her head? Well she  
gets that from me.

XANDER  
Really?

LUCY  
Yeah, back in high school I was the  
exact same way. Then I fell in love  
with Barry. Great guy. Showed me  
that there was more to life than a  
big book on a Friday night. I was  
seventeen, I was in love, we got  
careless and I got pregnant. I was  
so angry at Barry that on the day  
she was born I told him that I  
wasn't ever going to let him in my  
life or my daughter's ever again.  
Two days later he got drunk and  
drove into a telephone pole.

XANDER  
I don't think that...

LUCY  
That I can blame myself for his  
death? Oh I doubt that. Can I finish?

XANDER  
Sorry.

LUCY  
My daughter never got to know her  
father. As a result, she was  
exactly like me. If it wasn't for  
Maya, I swear she wouldn't come out  
of her room sometimes. When her  
powers kicked in seven years ago,  
she started to push everyone away.  
At one point, I almost turned her  
in as the unibomber. That all  
changed when you came into her life.

XANDER  
Oh, I don't think I've...

LUCY  
I've known my daughter all her life.  
Trust me, if she was told five  
weeks ago that the most popular boy  
in school was upstairs waiting for  
her, I'd be trying to get her out  
from under the bed, not watching  
her run like Flo-Jo up the steps.

Xander laughs, so does Lucy.

LUCY  
I know this is dangerous. I should  
probably have my head examined for  
letting her do this, but all I know  
is that my daughter is finally  
living her life in the real world  
now. And I'm grateful for it. I'm  
all for second chances Xander. This  
is yours and mine.  
(Lucy kisses him on the cheek)  
Don't blow it.

Lucy walks up to the training studio.

CORDELIA(OS)  
Nice lady there Xander. Think  
you're up to the challenge?

Xander looks over at Cordelia and Doyle.

XANDER  
Not sure. The jury is still out on that one.  
(sighs)  
So are you guys my guardian angels now?

CORDELIA  
No, that would make this my  
personal hell. Someone else has  
that thankless job. We just wanted  
to say goodbye.

DOYLE  
(shaking Xander's hand)  
You did good Harris. You'll do well.

XANDER  
Thanks. I appreciate your help.

Cordelia hugs Xander and kisses him on the cheek.

CORDELIA  
I never did apologize for the hell  
I put you through in high school  
did I?

XANDER  
You're going to apologize now?

CORDELIA  
Hell no! I take personal pride in  
the hell I put you through. I just  
wanted to make sure you remembered.

XANDER  
Will I ever see you guys again?

DOYLE  
Depends on how much you screw up.

XANDER  
Then I should be seeing you tomorrow.  
(hesitates)  
Can... Can I ask you a question?

DOYLE  
There's only so much we're allowed  
to tell you, bud.

XANDER  
I just need to know if... Did she  
make it...?

CORDELIA  
She's fine.

Xander sighs in relief.

XANDER  
Good. Will you tell her I...

DOYLE  
She knows.

CORDELIA  
Take care dork.

In a blink, they're gone.

Xander walks over to the dresser and picks up the picture of him and Anya. He traces her face with his finger for a moment, places the picture back on the dresser and heads upstairs.

FADE OUT.

END ACT IV


	4. Must be Tuesday

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dawn comes for a visit and ends up getting kidnapped by an evil minion.
> 
> Must be Tuesday

FADE IN:  
EXT. XANDER'S FIREHOUSE  
Lucy and Liv pull up to the firehouse and get out of the car. Lucy is dressed a little fancier than normal and is carrying  
a covered dish. Liv is dressed in her usual fatigues for training and is carrying her military body armor.

LUCY  
You're imagining things.

LIV  
(counting on her fingers)  
New dress, your hair is in fancymode  
and you made him the baked ziti.

LUCY  
Means nothing.

LIV  
You got the hots for Mr. Harris.

LUCY  
No. He's been cooped up in his  
apartment for two weeks and he can  
use the company.

LIV  
Oh my god, did you get a manicure?

LUCY  
Okay. Do you really want to play  
with me? I know for a fact that the  
most popular boy in school is  
upstairs waiting for you. As a  
mother I have information that I  
guarantee will make you want to  
live in the basement for a month.

LIV  
You wouldn't.

LUCY  
Sesame Street on Ice anyone?

Liv gasps in shock.

LIV  
I can't believe you'd play the  
muppet card.

LUCY  
Make this difficult for me, you'll  
pay dear girl. You'll pay. And no  
Lizzie Borden jokes.

LIV  
Damn.

INT. XANDER'S FIREHOUSE - MAIN ROOM

Xander is sitting in his chair with his leg raised. He still has some pretty bruises on his face.

LUCY(OS)  
Hey Sparky!

XANDER  
Hey girls.

LUCY  
Well look at you. If I didn't know  
better I'd say you were recovering  
from a beating from Tony Soprano  
instead of a Mu shu pork demon.

LIV  
Mushannanu Nyork.

LUCY  
Whatever.

XANDER  
You look nice today.

LUCY  
Well thank you, I brought you some  
substenance in the form of baked  
ziti and I thought...

Lucy notices a shapely female rear end, clad in leather pants, sticking out from beneath Xander's desk.

LUCY  
I... Did you know that there's a  
butt sticking out of your desk?

XANDER  
Yes. That would be Dawn.

LUCY  
Oh. And Dawn is...?

Dawn pops out from underneath the desk. Lucy is somewhat in a quandary about who she is.

Liv seems to be enjoying her Mother's quandary.

DAWN  
That would be me!

Dawn sits down on the arm of Xander' chair and puts her arm on the back for support, effectively putting her arm around Xander in a most familiar way. Lucy notices. Liv notices Lucy noticing and is even more amused.

XANDER  
Sorry. Everybody, this is Dawn  
Summers. She's the chief archivist  
for the Watcher's council and a  
good friend of mine.

Lucy has an "eyebrow raising" moment at the words "good friend".

XANDER  
Dawn this is our new slayer Olivia  
and her mother Lucy.

LUCY  
(a tad jealous)  
I see. It's nice to meet you.

DAWN  
Thank you. I've heard a lot about  
you two.  
(to Liv)  
Oh my god! Look at you! You're so  
cute in your fatigues and... is  
that kevlar?

LIV  
Available at your local army supply  
store.

DAWN  
(confused)  
That's... That's actually a pretty  
good idea. How come we never  
thought of that?

XANDER  
If there's anything I've learned in  
the last couple of weeks is that  
Liv and Lucy are light years ahead  
of us when it comes to the slayer biz.

LUCY  
So what brings you to the Cape?

DAWN  
Well, Xander needed a dedicated  
terminal set up to access the  
council's new library system and  
since my guy here...  
(tousles Xander's hair)  
is all thumbs when it comes to  
technology, I thought I'd come down  
for a few days and visit.

LUCY  
Oh. I see.

DAWN  
Oh and I brought you guys something  
too!

Dawn pulls out a laptop case and a heavy duty leather duffel. She hands the laptop to Liv.

DAWN  
This is a mobile laptop with a  
broadband wireless card and a  
wireless PDA. Both connect to the  
council's mainframe, just in case  
you need to do some work in the field.

LIV  
(geeked out)  
Cool!

Dawn hands the duffel to Lucy.

DAWN  
This is a Willow Rosenberg survival  
kit, complete with a twelve month  
supply of anti-demon glamour spells  
for your house.

Dawn takes what looks like a glass globe filled with green goo.

DAWN  
On every full moon just smash one  
on the floor.

Dawn tosses it on the floor and it instantly dissolves into green smoke and disappears.

DAWN  
Any unfriendly magic creature will  
only see a vacant lot. No locator  
spell will be able to trace you.

XANDER  
Why does that sound familiar?

DAWN  
Will got the idea from Harry Potter.

XANDER  
Well at least that will cut down on  
the whole property damage thing.

LIV  
So um... Is Brad here today? I  
didn't see his car.

XANDER  
(smiles)  
Sorry kiddo, Brad had a tournament  
upstate.

LIV  
(disappointed)  
Oh.

DAWN  
But I'll spar with you.

LUCY  
Oh, are you a slayer too?

DAWN  
No, but my sister is. I've picked  
up some moves as a result.

LIV  
Oh, you're Buffy's sister?

DAWN  
(smiles)  
Well, kind of.

XANDER  
It's a long story.

DAWN  
I'm an inter-dimensional energy  
being given human form from Buffy's  
DNA.

XANDER  
That would be the short version.

Lucy and Liv are a little floored by the revelation.

LUCY  
Our lives are never going to be  
normal again, are they?

XANDER  
Oh, you can count on it.

INT. VIZIER'S SANCTUM  
It's a creepy room, filled with various items you'd expect to find in an advanced biology class room. The walls are covered with ancient runes. The equivalent of a magical klaxon is going off.

An old man dressed in weird clothes runs into the room. Think Armin Shimerman (aka Principal Snyder), only uglier,  
ancient and mean as hell. He runs up to what looks like a floating orb of light.

VIZIER  
What? What is it? Silence!

The klaxon silences.

VIZIER  
(to the orb)  
What is it?

The orb gives off a green glowing aura.

VIZIER  
Are you sure? Can it be?

The orb pulses light.

VIZIER  
Aha! Aha! I see! Moleg!

A hidden figure dressed in a cloak rises from one of the work tables.

VIZIER  
(commanding)  
When night approaches, go to the  
city and seek out the energy  
signature the orb gives you and  
bring it to me.

The figure rises from the table and the cloak drops revealing a monster patched together with different human body parts. It gives off a shuddering groan of acknowledgement

INT. XANDER'S FIREHOUSE - MAIN ROOM

Xander and Lucy are working on the new computer, trying to figure out how it works.

XANDER  
Man, I'll never figure this thing out.

LUCY  
That interface looks familiar.

XANDER  
That's because it's based off of  
the consoles from Star Trek.

LUCY  
Really?

XANDER  
Andrew must have designed it.

LUCY  
Who's Andrew?

XANDER  
A bigger dweeb than me.

LUCY  
I didn't think that was possible.

XANDER  
Oh believe me. I'm nothing compared  
to him.

Lucy tries to be nonchalant.

LUCY  
So... ah... Dawn... she seems  
really nice.

XANDER  
Yeah. She's great. I don't get to  
see her a lot these days now that  
she's graduated and working for the  
council full time.  
(reading)  
"Parameters for inquiry incorrect?"  
What the hell does that mean?

LUCY  
Beats me. How often do you see her?

XANDER  
Dawn? Not often. Mostly phone calls  
nowadays.  
(sighs)  
I never thought I'd say this, but I  
think I prefer the smelly books. If  
only Giles could hear me now.

LUCY  
Giles?

XANDER  
The quintessential watcher. I guess  
technically he's my boss. We're not  
exactly on good terms these days.

LUCY  
Ohhhhh... I talked to him when you  
were doing that coma thing. I think  
we got off on the wrong foot.

XANDER  
What happened?

LUCY  
Well after calling him thick in the  
head he was like...  
(imitating Giles stammering)  
"Well...I..I..I..I don't think  
that...that...that there's a reason  
to get snippy."

Xander laughs.

XANDER  
What happened then?

LUCY  
He passed me off to Buffy.

XANDER  
Smart man. The last place I'd want  
want to be is between you and a  
hard place.

Lucy smiles flirtatiously.

LUCY  
Are you sure about that?

Xander smiles back.

Dawn and Liv bound down the steps laughing.

DAWN  
Oh my god! Xander, she is such a  
cute fighter! One minute she's all  
thumbs and the next she's kicking  
your ass.

XANDER  
That's actually a disturbing  
image.

LIV  
Hey Mom? Is it all right if I show  
Dawn our school library?

DAWN  
I heard that they have some  
original texts regarding Saint  
Bufalari that might be of use.

LUCY  
That's fine, but you haven't eaten yet.

DAWN  
That's okay, we'll grab some pizza  
afterwards.  
(deferring to Lucy)  
That is, if it is okay with you.

LUCY  
Well... ah sure. That's fine.

LIV  
Okay.  
(kisses mom goodbye)  
I'll meet you back here afterwards,  
'kay?

LUCY  
All right.

XANDER  
Now Dawn, just because this place  
is just a potential hellmouth  
doesn't mean it's safe...

DAWN  
(sighs)  
Okay. Okay. Don't be such a nag big  
brother. I'll keep to the main  
streets and avoid any ne'er do wells.

Lucy's attitude brightens immensely at the words "big brother"

Liv throws her jacket on and the two girls head out the door.

DAWN  
Hey, you like anchovies right?

LIV  
Omigod! Love 'em!

And they are gone. Xander and Lucy share a smile and a brief moment of silence.

XANDER  
So. Baked ziti, huh?

LUCY  
Got any wine to go with that?

XANDER  
I think I have a bottle of Pinot  
Noir some place in the kitchen.

LUCY  
I'll go find it.

Xander smiles to himself and picks up the magic 8 ball.

XANDER  
Was I just set up?

The Answer: DUH.

EXT. XANDER'S FIREHOUSE

Liv and Dawn walk away from the firehouse.

DAWN  
I wasn't too over the top was I?

LIV  
No the "big brother" thing was just  
the right touch.

From the darkness, Moleg walks out into the light. He looks at Xander's place and tilts his head back and forth.

MOLEG  
Errr?

MOLEG'S POV: Xander's house is just an empty lot.

MOLEG  
Ungh.

Moleg moves on, following the girls from a distance.

INT. XANDER'S FIREHOUSE - MAIN ROOM - LATER  
Xander and Lucy sit at the table with the remains of the dinner and wine.

XANDER  
That was ziti-licious.

LUCY  
Thank you.

XANDER  
Where'd you learn to cook?

LUCY  
Ripping recipes off of campbell's  
soup containers.

XANDER  
Well it truly is good food.

Lucy smiles at the compliment.

LUCY  
So... I was pretty sure I had met  
every single man in the Cape  
Kenneth area. How can you live here  
two years and slip under my radar?

XANDER  
Well... I've been in stealth mode.  
When it comes to relationships I  
have not had the best of luck.

LUCY  
Oh really?

XANDER  
(bitter)  
Let's just say my love life and the  
supernatural don't really mix.

Awkward pause ensues.

LUCY  
Did I hit a bad topic?

XANDER  
(smiles. still bitter)  
Bullseye.

LUCY  
Okay, there's no way it could be  
that bad.

XANDER  
Wanna bet?

Lucy smiles flirtatiously.

LUCY  
What are the stakes?

INT. SAINT BUFALARI'S LIBRARY  
Dawn and Liv are chatting away as Maya walks in wearing workout gear.

MAYA  
Hey Worm! Thought I heard your  
voice in here.

LIV  
Hey Airhead. How was practice?

MAYA  
Don't ask. Who's the pretty one?

LIV  
Oh... This is Dawn.

DAWN  
I'm an old family friend from out  
of town.

Liv and Maya snort with laughter.

MAYA  
Wow. That was pretty weak. Slayer  
or watcher?

LIV  
Neither. She's their librarian.

MAYA  
Ahhh. The ever elusive Senior Worm.  
Look upon your future young slayer!  
(grave voice)  
In every generation there is a  
chosen one. She alone will stand  
against late fees, paper cuts and  
the Dewey Decimal System. She is...  
The Librarian.

All laugh.

DAWN  
I take it she knows?

MAYA  
I know waaay too much.

DAWN  
Welcome to the scooby lifestyle.  
It's a fine and honorable tradition.

Maya and Liv exchange blank looks.

MAYA  
What's a scooby?

INT. XANDER'S FIREHOUSE - MAIN ROOM

Xander has a superior grin on his face. Lucy has a shocked one.

LUCY  
Your last date was a demon who tried to  
sacrifice you to the first  
incarnation of evil?

XANDER  
(grinning even more)  
Yep. Still have the scars from the rope burns

LUCY  
Well, that sure beats the guy who  
plucked out a nose hair during a  
dinner date.

XANDER  
I didn't even mention the Inca  
Mummy Girl, the praying mantis, or  
my ex-fiance/reborn demon who wiped  
out an entire fraternity.

LUCY  
(laughs)  
You're kidding right?

Xander just smiles.

LUCY  
You're not kidding.

XANDER  
Nope.

LUCY  
All right! You win. Okay? Don't rub  
it in.

Xander just grins.

XANDER  
I'm soooo going to enjoy this!

EXT. CAPE KENNETH - MAIN STREET  
Dawn, Liv and Maya are walking home.

DAWN  
I can't believe you guys didn't  
watch Scooby Doo.

LIV  
I'm sorry, but there just aren't  
any good quality cartoons these  
days featuring talking dogs.

MAYA  
Except the Family Guy.

LIV  
Well, duh!

MAYA  
Besides, it's not like there's a  
group of friends hanging around you  
fighting evil. It's just me.

LIV  
I suddenly feel very lonely.

MAYA  
And another thing, I'm nobody's  
sidekick.

LIV  
What about being the plucky comic  
relief?

VOICE(OS)  
How about being dinner?

Four vampires walk out of the alley and surround the girls, their "game" faces are on.

MAYA  
Okay. Not good.

LIV  
Stay between Dawn and me.

DAWN  
You guys picked the wrong girls to  
mess with.

Dawn and Liv pull out their required stakes and jump into action. Dawn dust her first vampire and dodges an attack from the second.

Liv sweeps the leg on the first vamp as it charges her, knocking him over. She rolls past the second vampire, pops up and dusts him from behind. The first vampire charges her again and Liv side steps him, gives him a one-two punch and a stake in the heart.

Dawn gets caught from behind on her other vamp. She stomps on his arch, elbows him in the bread box, spins and stakes him.

DAWN  
(breathing hard)  
Whew. I've been out of the field  
too long. You okay?

MAYA  
I'm... fine. Need a change of  
underwear, but I'm fine.

LIV  
Wow. My first ambush. Not bad  
though, huh?

DAWN  
Trust me kid. That was no ambush.  
That vampire broadcasted his attack.  
With a true ambush, you won't...

Moleg pops out of an alley and bashes Maya and Liv's heads together, knocking them out.

Dawn gets two good punches and a kick in, but Moleg doesn't even feel it. Moleg back hands her and knocks her out with just a punch. He catches Dawn before she hits the ground, tosses her over the shoulder and heads off into the night.

INT. XANDER'S FIREHOUSE - KITCHEN

Lucy is doing the dishes while Xander sits on the counter and tries to find new and inventive ways to come up with more dishes for her to clean.

LUCY  
I'm not washing that bowl. That  
bowl was here before dinner.

XANDER  
It was my oatmeal bowl and the bet  
was that the loser did the dishes.  
No parameters were ever set on what  
or how many dishes were to be cleaned.

Xander picks up a clean dish and offers it to her.

LUCY  
That's a perfectly clean dish!

Xander licks the dish and offers it back to her.

LUCY  
(taking the dish)  
You're a sick man, Sparky.

INT. XANDER'S FIREHOUSE - MAIN ROOM

Liv bursts through the door in full panic mode carrying an unconscious Maya.

LIV  
Mom! Mr. Harris!

Lucy and Xander run into the room and help Maya to the couch. Lucy starts examining Maya.

XANDER  
What happened?

LIV  
We were ambushed by a demon.

XANDER  
Are you okay?

LIV  
I'm fine.

LUCY  
(shining a light into Maya's eyes)  
Maya? Sweetie? Do you want to say  
something silly to make me feel better?

MAYA  
(mumbling)  
I don't wanna be a sidekick.

LUCY  
She's okay. She's going to have a  
lump on her head the size of a  
grapefruit, but she'll be all right.

XANDER  
Where's Dawn?

LUCY  
The demon must have taken her. She  
was gone when I woke up.

XANDER  
Okay. Hit the library and find out  
what kind of demon it was. I'll dig  
out a locator spell from the kit.

LIV  
(tearful)  
Mr. Harris, I'm so sorry! I...

XANDER  
It's okay. Don't blame yourself. Go  
clean yourself up and hit the books.

Liv hangs her head in despair. Xander takes her by the shoulders and kneels down to her eye level

XANDER  
Hey. Seriously. It's going to be okay.

Liv shocks Xander by giving him a big hug. He holds her tight.

XANDER  
Scared?

Liv nods her head and sniffs. Xander wipes away a couple of tears from her face.

XANDER  
It's okay to be scared Liv, but we  
have work to do. Can you help?

Liv nods, wipes her tears and then rushes off.

XANDER  
(sighs)  
Dawn's in trouble.  
(shakes his head)  
Must be Tuesday.

INT. VIZIER'S SANCTUM

Dawn is unconscious and hangs suspended from mid-air as the Vizier gleefully examines her.

VIZIER  
The key! The key!  
(Chuckles)  
How fortunate you stumbled into my  
neck of the woods. Hmmmm.... the  
monks did well in changing your  
form. It will be interesting to see  
what exactly you are made of.

The Vizier cackles evilly as we...

END ACT I

INT. XANDER'S FIREHOUSE - MAIN ROOM  
Xander is on the phone as Lucy continues to examine Maya.

MAYA  
I'm fine.

LUCY  
You were unconscious. Just sit back  
and relax. That's what sidekicks do.  
Here. Use the ice pack.

Maya growls and holds the ice pack against her noggin. Lucy approaches Xander.

LUCY  
What's going on?

XANDER  
I did three locator spells and none  
of them worked. So I'm calling in the  
big gun.

LUCY  
The spells didn't work? What does  
that mean?

XANDER  
It means something bad. I'm trying  
to get a hold of Willow, but she's  
not in Brazil.

LUCY  
Where is she?

XANDER  
I don't know. She's not in  
Cleveland or England, so I'm  
checking the other strongholds.

LIV(OS)  
I think I found something

ANGLE ON -- LIV AT THE COMPUTER

Xander and Lucy approach her.

XANDER  
You got this to work?

LIV  
Wasn't that hard. It uses the LCARS  
interface from Star Trek.

XANDER  
Remind me to keep you away from Andrew.

LUCY  
What did you find honey?

LIV  
Well I couldn't find any demons  
that matched the description. So I  
did a cross-reference on the  
magical texts and came up with a Moleg.

LUCY  
What's a moleg?

LIV  
It's an automaton. A body sewn  
together with various body parts  
and given animation through magic.  
According to the texts, you have to  
be pretty powerful witch or warlock  
in order to make the thing work.

XANDER  
I am SO calling in the big gun.

INT. VIZIER'S SANCTUM  
Dawn wakes up and gets a good look at her surroundings

DAWN  
Aw, crap

VIZIER (OS)  
Hello my dear. How are you feeling?

Dawn looks over at the Vizier and the Moleg.

DAWN  
I have a friggin' headache and I'm  
floating five feet off the ground.  
How am I supposed to feel?

VIZIER  
Well I apologize for the  
inconvenience. Allow me to  
introduce myself, I am the Vizier.  
Counselor of Sacul, Guardian of the  
Orb of Greblieps and Warlock for  
hire.  
(bows)  
Is there anything I can do to make  
you more comfortable?

DAWN  
You can let me go.

VIZIER  
(sinister)  
Do you think I would just let one  
of the more powerful beings in this  
dimension just walk out the door?  
(off Dawn's horrified reaction)  
Oh yes. I know you're the Key. The  
Monks hid you well, but their  
powers are nothing compared to mine.

Dawn whimpers.

VIZIER  
Still, the spell they wove around  
to make you human is very  
complicated. I'm going to enjoy  
taking you apart and seeing just  
what makes you tick.

The vizier cackles evilly. Moleg mindless joins in with amused grunts.

INT. XANDER'S FIREHOUSE - KITCHEN  
Xander is on the phone. Lucy is close by.

XANDER  
No. Signore, I am trying to reach  
Willow... Willow... Willow  
Rosenberg! Does anyone there speak  
english?

LUCY  
Sweetie? Can you help?

Liv walks in and takes the phone.

LIV  
Scusilo signora? Stiamo cercando qualcuno.  
Ci è stato un incidente per quanto riguarda  
il suo amico Dawn. Abbia prego immediatamente  
sua chiamata di nuovo al signore Xander Harris.  
(beat)  
Grazie.  
(Hangs up)  
They're looking for her now.  
They'll call back.

Liv walks away. Xander is amazed.

XANDER  
How did she...? What...? I..

LUCY  
Sometimes I find it is best not to  
ask. What do we do now?

XANDER  
We wait 'til we hear from Willow or  
we...

In a flash of light, Willow Rosenberg teleports into the kitchen.

WILLOW  
(hysterical)  
Where's Dawnie?! What happened?!

XANDER  
She got kidnapped. We're not sure...  
Are you okay?

Willow starts to weave from side to side and appears to have no motor control above her neck.

WILLOW  
(slurred speech)  
S'okay. I skipped lunch today and  
Teleportation spells tend to make  
me a just a little woozzzz

Willows eyes roll back in her head and she falls face down on the floor. Xander and Lucy look down at the floor.

XANDER  
Sure you're okay, Will?

WILLOW  
(slurred)  
S'okay. Just need a minute.  
(beat)  
Or two.

LUCY  
That's your big gun?

Xander leans over and pulls Willow to her feet.

XANDER  
Well, not at the moment.

WILLOW  
(slurred)  
Wow. I really like your place.

Xander half carries her over to the couch and places her next to Maya.

XANDER  
Thank you.

WILLOW  
The floor is really hard though.

XANDER  
As most floors are. Do you need  
anything?

WILLOW  
Cup of coffee and a protein bar  
would be good.  
(rolls her head over  
to Maya)  
Hi.

Xander goes back to the kitchen.

MAYA  
(groggy)  
Hello.

WILLOW  
Are you Liv?

MAYA  
No, I'm her best friend, Maya.

WILLOW  
Oh that's so cool! A next-generation  
scooby.

MAYA  
I'm not a sidekick though.

WILLOW  
Oh. Absolutely not. I know how that is.

Liv comes forward with a protein bar on plate and coffee mug that says "Kiss the Carpenter".

LIV  
Hi. Here's your coffee and protein bar.

WILLOW  
Hi. Are you Liv?

LIV  
Yep.

WILLOW  
Oh! Xander told me so much about  
you! You're so cute. And tiny.  
You're like a pocket slayer.

Maya and Liv just exchange glances. Willow realizes that she crossed a "weird" line.

WILLOW  
I'm sorry. I'm feeling a little  
loopy. I skipped lunch.

Willow starts snacking on the protein bar.

INT. VIZIER'S SANCTUM  
The Vizier shoots a mystical bolt at Dawn

DAWN  
Ow! Stop that!

VIZIER  
Hmmm.

He shoots another bolt.

DAWN  
Hey! Will you quit it? That hurts.

VIZIER  
What? You think that's going to  
make me stop? You're barely human.  
Just a cleverly put together  
construct.  
(zaps her)  
Where they found a soul for you,  
I'm not sure. Of course, they had  
to fool a god, so craftsmanship was  
absolutely necessary.

He zaps her again.

DAWN  
Ow! Okay, do you know who my sister is?

The Vizier rolls his eyes.

VIZIER  
Oh please. Your...  
(makes one of those  
annoying quote marks  
with his fingers)  
"sister" is miles away from here.  
The local slayer is barely out of  
diapers and her watcher is a  
foolish clod who barely graduated  
high school.

He gets so close his nose is almost touching Dawn's.

VIZIER  
So tell me... what exactly should I  
be scared about?

Dawn now has that "caught in the headlights" look going.

VIZIER  
I thought so. Don't worry. I just  
have a couple of more tests to run  
before the real pain begins.

INT. XANDER'S FIREHOUSE - MAIN ROOM

Willow appears to have recovered from her loopiness and is going over a map of Cape Kenneth. She waves her hands around  
a bit and mystic lights pop up over the map. Xander, Lucy and Liv watch on.

WILLOW  
Whoever this is, he or she is  
pretty good. A standard locator  
spell isn't going to track this guy  
down.  
(To Liv)  
You said that a Moleg attacked you?  
No other person was around?

LIV  
Just a couple of vamps.

WILLOW  
A moleg needs a lot of mystical  
energy just to keep it moving.  
Vamps can't generate that kind of  
heat and a normal mystic would have  
to remain within a couple of feet.

XANDER  
External power source?

WILLOW  
Yep.

Willow waves her hands again and the lights change over the map. One point is definitely brighter than the rest.

WILLOW  
You can run, but you can't hide.  
That's the spot. I'll need backup  
for this one. A powerful warlock or  
witch is bad enough, but you add a  
Moleg and I'll be one flat wiccan.

XANDER  
All right. I'll suit up.

LUCY  
No you're not.

XANDER  
Beg pardon?

LUCY  
You haven't recovered since the  
last attack. You've got stitches in  
your lats and a bum ankle. Even if  
you could handle a weapon, you  
won't be fast enough.

LIV  
I'll go.

XANDER  
No. This is big time. We'll track  
down another slayer.

LIV  
We don't have time to get another  
slayer and even if we did, Ms.  
Rosenberg's going to need to save  
her strength.

XANDER  
You don't have the experience yet.

LIV  
I don't need to kill this thing, I  
just need to keep it busy until Ms.  
Rosenberg takes down the big bad.

LUCY  
Sweetie, maybe Mr. Harris is right.

Liv gives her mom the "look".

LIV  
I have to do this.

Willow smiles and nods her head.

WILLOW  
I know that face. That's the  
resolve face.

Xander and Lucy turn and look at Willow.

WILLOW  
You can't argue with the resolve  
face! You know what it means!

Xander sighs and kneels down to look at Liv.

XANDER  
You sure about this?

Now it's Xander's turn to get the "look".

LIV  
I want a piece of this guy.

WILLOW  
Oh yeah. That's the resolve face  
all right.

Xander looks at Lucy. She nods in agreement.

XANDER  
Let's get you suited up.

END ACT II  
EXT. XANDER'S FIREHOUSE - NIGHT  
The sounds of drumming fingertips can be heard.

INT. XANDER'S FIREHOUSE - MAIN ROOM  
Maya is asleep on the sofa. Xander and Lucy sit at the table waiting. Xander continues to drum his fingers annoyingly.  
Lucy gives him a look and slaps her hand down on his.

LUCY  
Sparky?

XANDER  
Hmm?

LUCY  
If you want to keep those digits,  
I'd put a lid on it.

XANDER  
Sorry, I...

LUCY  
I know.

XANDER  
I suddenly understand everything  
Giles was afraid of.  
(beat)  
How can you be so calm?

LUCY  
Faith in my daughter.  
(smiles)  
And the resolve face.

She takes Xander's hand and their fingers intertwine. Xander and her share a look but it drifts off into space as they  
wait. Xander starts drumming his fingers again. Lucy clears her throat. Xander looks at Lucy and stops drumming his fingers.

INT. CAPE KENNETH - FOREST

Willow and Liv stalk through the forest. Liv is in full battle gear, including body armor, helmet and apparently every weapon Xander could give her.

LIV  
I think Mr. Harris overdid it with  
the weapons.

WILLOW  
Better safe than sorry. Now  
remember that a Moleg feels no pain  
and won't die, so trying to kill it  
won't get you anywhere. Just keep  
it busy until I take out the  
dillhole who took Dawn.

Liv is feeling a little bit of self-doubt.

LIV  
Think I can do this?

WILLOW  
You can SO do this.

They stop in front of an entrance to a cave.

WILLOW  
This is it. You ready?

LIV  
(nauseous)  
One second.

Liv leans over, breathing heavily.

WILLOW  
Are you okay?

Liv makes retching noises.

WILLOW  
Ewww.

INT. VIZIER'S SANCTUM

Dawn is still floating off the ground, but is now looking a little weary.

VIZIER  
Tired? So soon? I haven't even  
started taking your skin off yet.

DAWN  
Oh my God. What is with you bad  
guys anyway? All you do is talk and  
torture, talk and torture. Can't  
you just kill me and get it over with?

VIZIER  
Where's the fun in that?

WILLOW (OS)  
Hi! Excuse me?

The Vizier turns to see Willow and Liv standing at the entrance to the Sanctum.

WILLOW  
There will be no skinning people  
alive today, Thank you!

VIZIER  
Ah... The Willow Rosenberg. To what  
do I owe the honor?

WILLOW  
That would be my friend you are  
holding hostage there, and I'd like  
to have her back please. Hi Dawnie!

DAWN  
Hi Will!

VIZIER  
What is she to you? A lover perhaps?

WILLOW  
(indignant)  
Hey! Let's not get personal here.

VIZIER  
What are you going to do about it?  
Send the baby slayer after me?

WILLOW  
Look, the person you have there is  
very important to the Watcher's  
council. You harm her, and you'll  
have an army of slayers to deal with.

VIZIER  
You know what? Don't really care.

The Vizier shoots a bolt of energy at Willow, tossing her against the wall and knocking her out.

DAWN  
Will!

VIZIER  
Moleg! Get the girl.

Moleg moves forward to attack Liv. Liv looks at Willow lying on the floor unconscious and then the entrance only  
to see another Moleg enter the room, blocking her way out.

LIV  
Aw Crap!

INT. XANDER'S FIREHOUSE - MAIN ROOM

Xander and Lucy are now on the couch. It'd probably be romantic if it wasn't for the fact that they are totally on  
edge. Xander keeps picking up the eight ball, looking at the answer and then putting it back down again. After the third  
time...

LUCY  
What are you doing?

XANDER  
(embarrassed)  
Uh... Checking up on the girls.

LUCY  
You're kidding right?

XANDER  
Nope. This thing always tells the  
truth.

LUCY  
Let me see that.

Lucy takes the eight ball from Xander, thinks a second and checks the answer. She starts laughing hysterically.

XANDER  
What?

Lucy swiftly puts the ball back on the coffee table.

LUCY  
Nothing.

She giggles. Xander looks at her warily.

INT. VIZIER'S SANCTUM

Liv is doing her best. She stays on the run, hitting quickly and keeping the Molegs from surrounding her. As one Moleg  
goes to punch her, she dodges,grabs the arm and flips him into the other Moleg. She pulls out a sword and cuts one of  
their heads off and runs the other Moleg through.

Unfortunately they keep on coming. The moleg with the sword through his belly smacks Liv across the room, but she is  
able to go into a roll and pop back up in a fighting stance.

VIZIER  
(bored)  
Impressive. However you can't keep  
this up forever.

DAWN  
Liv! Watch out!

A third moleg pops up from the table and grabs Liv from behind and begins to choke her. Liv looks around frantically  
and spots the glowing orb floating behind the Vizier. She grabs a knife out of her boot and throws it into the orb.

VIZIER  
No!

The knife hits the orb and it explodes, radiating out mystical energy in a low rumble of thunder which shakes the ground.

INT. XANDER'S FIREHOUSE - MAIN ROOM

Xander and Lucy react to the thunder and the shaking.

LUCY  
What was that?

Xander checks the eight ball.

XANDER  
That's our girl turning the tide.

INT. VIZIER'S SANCTUM

The energy wave hits Willow, waking her up. It also hits Dawn who is released from levitating and drops to the floor.

VIZIER  
Aw Crap!

WILLOW  
Conquasso y coctilis!

Willow blasts the Vizier with energy and he retaliates. It's now a stand-off between them.

Liv, in a burst of slayer strength, pulls the arm out of the moleg's socket (poor stitching) and frees herself. The moleg is briefly confused by the lack of his arm. Liv tosses the arm, knocks the moleg off balance and then throws him on a large stalagmite, impaling and imprisoning the Moleg.

Dawn, meanwhile, is taking on the headless Moleg hand to hand and is not doing to well.

LIV  
Dawn! Catch!

Liv tosses a battle ax to Dawn, who starts hacking away at the Moleg.

Liv dodges an attack from the "sword-belly" moleg, ducks down, grabs the handle of the sword, pulls it out in one  
clean movement and spins around, cutting the moleg off at the knees. The moleg falls to the ground and Liv impales the  
sword through the moleg, into the ground, pinning him with the hilt of the sword.

Liv looks around and sees that Willow is still in a weakened state, and the Vizier is getting the better of her. She  
pulls out another throwing dagger and tosses it into the Vizier's foot.

VIZIER  
Aiggh!!

The Vizier's spell breaks. Willow seizes the opportunity.

WILLOW  
Nothus phallus podex!!

The vizier is blasted against the wall and falls flat on his  
face.

He slowly rolls over with a groan and quickly finds a  
military style boot on his throat.

VIZIER  
(strangled)  
Aw Crap!

Liv is a little shaky from the adrenaline of the fight.

LIV  
So... I'd like to put this night in  
perspective for you...

VIZIER  
(strangled)  
Glargh...

LIV  
First, you knock out my best friend.  
Not a smart move. Then you kidnap  
and torture someone who happens to  
be pretty damn cool and I'd like to  
consider a friend.

DAWN  
Thanks! I like you too!

Liv and Dawn share a brief smile.

VIZIER  
(strangled)  
Gaaar...

LIV  
Now, Ms. Rosenberg was nice enough  
to give you a chance to walk away,  
but you had to be a bad person and  
blindside her with an attack. Now,  
you've lost your orb thingie, your  
patchwork zombies are dissected and  
I've got my foot at your throat. I  
have to ask you, was it really  
worth it?

VIZIER  
(strangled)  
Glargh.

WILLOW  
Sweetie, I think you need to let up  
on the boot.

LIV  
Oh... Sorry.

Liv pulls back on the foot a bit. The Vizier sputters with  
rage.

VIZIER  
You think this is over?! You think  
you've beaten me?!

WILLOW  
Considering she's got her boot on  
your throat? I think that's a safe bet.

VIZIER  
This isn't over! You think you've  
got problems now? Just wait until  
I'm through with you!  
(casting spell)  
Decursus!

The Vizier shimmers and disappears.

DAWN  
Oh that's not good.

LIV  
Omigod! I let him get away! Crap!

WILLOW  
Eyuh. Didn't see that coming.

LIV  
I feel victim to my own monologue!  
That's not supposed to happen to  
the good guys. I've seen every  
James Bond movie ever made! How did  
I not see that coming?

Willow puts her arm around Liv and starts walking her out of the cave. Dawn follows suit.

WILLOW  
That's okay sweetie. It happens to  
everyone.

LIV  
It happened to you?

WILLOW  
Uh... No.

DAWN  
But look at it this way, now you've  
got an arch-enemy.

LIV  
That's a good thing?!!

DAWN  
Better the evil you know, than the  
one you can't see.

LIV  
That's doesn't make any sense.

DAWN  
Uh... yeah. Maybe we'll chock this  
one up as a learning experience.

LIV  
(pouting)  
Learning experiences suck.

INT. CONSUL SANCTUM  
The consul members stand in the usual positions around the Vizier.

CONSUL #1  
You assured us the Key would be ours.

VIZIER  
The slayer and her witch friend  
interfered. It could not be helped.

CONSUL #2  
You underestimated the slayer's  
capabilities.

VIZIER  
(sarcastic)  
Oh... like it hasn't gotten around  
how well you've been doing lately.  
Glass houses, people.

CONSUL #3  
Our plans for the slayer are going  
exactly as planned. It's all a  
matter of time. Patience Vizier,  
our plan will become apparent to  
you in due time.

END ACT III

ACT IV

INT. XANDER'S FIREHOUSE - MAIN ROOM

Dawn, Willow, Maya and Liv are all sacked out on the same sofa, fast asleep. Xander and Lucy sit across from them on the other sofa. Xander is a little distant.

LUCY  
Awww... Look it's a slayer slumber  
party.

No reaction from Xander.

LUCY  
Hey. I thought that was pretty funny.

XANDER  
Hmm? I'm sorry I was just thinking  
about tonight.

LUCY  
Liv did pretty well didn't she?

XANDER  
She was great.

LUCY  
Even though she let the bad guy get  
away?

XANDER  
It happens to everyone.

LUCY  
Even you?

XANDER  
Yep. Almost blew up my high school  
as a result. But... that's not what  
I was thinking about.

LUCY  
Are you going to make me play 20  
questions, or are you just going to  
tell me?

XANDER  
I was thinking about us.

LUCY  
Us?

XANDER  
I'm not sure if this is going to work.

LUCY  
Oh really?

XANDER  
Liv is my slayer. Your her mother.  
There's like a dozen rules about  
this in the Watcher's code, but...  
the bottom line is I've got to put  
your daughter's safety first. I  
don't know if I can do that if  
we're in a relationship. Not to  
mention the fact that every  
relationship or date I ever had  
ended up dead or having some sort  
of demonic undertones. I'm sorry Lucy.

LUCY  
Can I say something?

Xander nods.

LUCY  
You are so full of crap.

XANDER  
What?

LUCY  
Don't you find it silly that,  
according to you, we've dated and  
therefore have consecrated some  
evil act that will end in your  
suffering all in one night?

XANDER  
You don't understand, I am...

LUCY  
Jinxed?

XANDER  
Yes!

LUCY  
You think I've had a good luck  
charm when it comes to men?

XANDER  
You don't...

LUCY  
Xander... I understand you're  
scared. I also don't care. Evil  
hijinx aside, I've had a wonderful  
evening with a pretty nice guy.  
So before our first date ends, I'm  
going to give you some advice that  
you gave to my daughter.

XANDER  
What's that?

Lucy leans forward and softly touches his face.

LUCY  
Don't think.

She leans in closer and kisses him softly on the lips.

LUCY  
Just act.

She kisses him again and he returns the favor.

LUCY  
Now what do you say to that?

XANDER  
I had a wonderful evening with you  
tonight. Are you doing anything  
next Tuesday?

She smiles and so does he. She snuggles up on his shoulder and closes her eyes. Xander put his arm around her, closes his eyes and enjoys the moment.

FADE OUT.


	5. That Old Familiar Feeling

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Strange things are afoot when Xander accidentally causes all the spells that were ever cast on him to be regenerated.

INT. XANDER'S FIREHOUSE - MAIN ROOM

Xander is in the process of taping up two boxes for shipping.

XANDER  
All right! Two boxes down.

ANGLE ON: The rest of the room

The room is covered with weird and arcane items from the  
Vizier's Sanctum. Too numerous to mention. Liv and Maya are  
busy trying to catalog everything.

XANDER  
Only 100 billion more to go.

MAYA  
What exactly is the point of this excercise?

LIV  
Ms. Rosenberg thought that all the attacks  
we've had lately might be related to the  
warlock who kidnapped Dawn. So we're packing  
it up for analysis at the council  
headquarters.

MAYA  
Couldn't we just have a yard sale?

XANDER  
Trust me. The people who show up to buy this  
stuff are people you don't want to know.

MAYA  
(holding up a shriveled object)  
Okay, what the heck is this?

LIV  
(observing)  
Looks like a monkey's paw.

Maya drops it like it was on fire.

MAYA  
Okay. I have to go disinfect.

She heads toward the kitchen.

MAYA  
Where's the bleach and hydrogen peroxide?

Xander starts packing up another box.

LIV  
Are you sure all this stuff is safe?

XANDER  
Well, Willow and Dawn took most of the...  
(picks up a strange looking object and makes  
a face)  
believe it or not... the stranger and  
weirder stuff. What we have left is...

Xander picks up an object which makes a skittering noise and  
begins to move around in his hand.

XANDER  
(screaming)  
Gaah-ahh-ahh!

Xander grabs a nearby bookend and starts smashing it against  
the moving object until it is pretty squished. All the time  
screaming like a little girl. When he's done he shakes his arms  
all around and is breathing heavy.

XANDER  
Oh god. That's just WRONG!

LIV  
So what you're saying is everything is  
perfectly safe.

XANDER  
(breathing hard)  
Yes. Perfectly. Excuse me while I go  
disinfect.  
(walking towards kitchen)  
Maya! Don't bogart all the bleach!

Liv smiles, shakes her head and goes back to cataloging. As we  
PAN over the pile of junk, we come to the set of boxes Xander  
taped up. Through the cracks of the box, a strange glow begins  
to throb.

EXT. CAPE KENNETH CEMETARY - NIGHT - LATER  
Liv is battling a vampire and not doing well. Xander stands out  
of the way and watches the battle.

XANDER  
Careful Liv!

Liv blocks a punch, but ends up taking two more and a  
roundhouse kick before being knocked to the ground. She rolls  
away and pops back up only to take two more punches and a boot  
to the head.

INT. XANDER'S FIREHOUSE - MAIN ROOM

Through the cracks of the box, the glowing suddenly reaches a  
flash point and then the glow disappears disappears.

EXT. CAPE KENNETH CEMETARY

Xander is about to jump into the fray when his eye flashes and his body glows all over. Xander doubles over for a second, then straightens up and shakes his head like he's trying to clear it.

The vamp throws another roundhouse kick, but Liv successfully  
blocks it and throws the vamp off balance. Before the vamp can  
recover, Liv nails him with a stake and dusts him. Liv falls to  
the ground in exhaustion, breathing heavily.

XANDER  
What? You going to puke now?

Liv gives Xander a hurt, reproachful look.

XANDER  
You know what kid? I think its time to be  
honest with each other. I'm supposed to be  
the guardian of the chosen one. You are  
obviously not it.

LIV  
What?

XANDER  
You're just not cutting the mustard. Or even  
the cheese for that matter.  
(laughs hysterically)  
So go home, have a cup of cocoa and don't  
bother me again.

Liv breaks out into tears and runs off and Xander starts  
laughing hysterically.

EXT. XANDER'S FIREHOUSE - LATER

Lucy's car zooms recklessly up in front of Xander's house. Lucy  
jumps out of her car in her pajamas and a coat and slams the  
door angrily behind her. Liv is trailing her, still crying.

LIV  
Mom! No!

INT. XANDER'S FIREHOUSE - MAINROOM

Lucy kicks the door open and storms into the room.

LUCY  
Okay Sparky! Just who do you think you are  
telling those things to my little girl?! I  
am so going to kick your...  
(reacts in horror)  
Oh my god!

Lucy turns her head away. Liv is equally revolted.

LIV  
Mr. Harris! What are you doing?

ANGLE ON:  
Xander is standing in front of the refrigerator eating what  
appears to be a raw bloody steak. His is covered with the blood  
from the steak. He smiles and throws the meat on the counter.

XANDER  
All right!  
(pulls a large chef's knife off of the  
knife holder)  
Fresh meat!

Xander charges them laughing manically... almost hyenalike. Liv  
and Lucy scream in horror as we...

END TEASER

INT. XANDER'S FIREHOSE - MAIN ROOM - MOMENTS LATER

Xander charges at Lucy and Liv with the knife as the girls  
scream.

LUCY  
Xander! What the hell are you doing?!

LIV  
Mom! Get back!

Xander charges at Liv with the knife. Liv blocks the knife,  
grabs Xander by the shoulder,gives him a knee to the groin and  
finishes him off with an uppercut to the head. Xander falls  
like a sack of potatoes.

LUCY  
Whoa! "Not cutting the Mustard" my ass! You  
were fantastic!

LIV  
I was pretty good, wasn't I?

LUCY  
That knee to the groin thing wasn't personal  
was it?

LIV  
Maybe a little.

LUCY  
(hugging her daughter)  
That's my girl.

Xander moans and starts to move around.

LIV  
There's some rope up in the weapons cabinet.  
Can you go get it, while I watch him?

LUCY  
Sure. What's wrong with him?

LIV  
I don't know. Maybe you should get the bag  
Ms. Rosenberg gave us as well

INT. XANDER'S FIREHOUSE - MAINROOM

Xander is tied up in a chair, still unconscious. Liv is going  
through the bag of spells. Lucy approaches with a mug of tea  
from the kitchen.

LUCY  
Did you find anything?

LIV  
Well, there's several locator spells,  
protection spells and negation spells, but  
I'm not sure what's affecting him is even a  
spell.

LUCY  
Ooo! Ooo! Hang on. Where is it?

Lucy pulls out the magic 8 ball.

LUCY  
Is he under a spell?

The answer: Yes. Definitely.

LUCY  
Yes. Definitely.

LIV  
Okay. Then I just need a...

Liv reaches into the bag and pulls out a pencil.

LIV  
...negation spell! Here we go.

LUCY  
That's a pencil.

LIV  
Are you doubting me?

LUCY  
I'm just saying, that's a pencil.

LIV  
Watch and learn grasshoppa.

Liv walks over to Xander and breaks the pencil right in front  
of him. The pencil dissolves into smoke and is absorbed into  
Xander's body. His body glows for just a second and Xander  
moans and begins to wake up.

LUCY  
Did it work? Did that glowy thing work?

LIV  
I don't know. Ask the 8 ball.

LUCY  
Is he free of the spell?  
(checks answer)  
Yes.

LIV  
Are you okay Mr. Harris?

XANDER  
(groans)  
Someone get the number of that train?

LIV  
That was me.

XANDER  
I'm sorry kiddo. I don't know what came over  
me.

LIV  
You were under a spell.

LUCY  
Do you remember what happened?

XANDER  
Yes, I...

Lucy smacks Xander across the face. Hard.

LUCY  
Don't ever do that to my daughter again!

XANDER  
Ow!

LIV  
Mom! He was under a spell!

LUCY  
(apologetic)  
I know. Sorry. Parent thing.

XANDER  
It's okay. Liv, I'm so sorry. You know I  
would never say or think those things.

Liv, relieved, hugs Xander with gusto.

LIV  
Thanks, Mr. Harris!

XANDER  
(strangled)  
S'okay. Liv? Gotta breathe here.

LIV  
Sorry.

Lucy unties Xander.

LUCY  
You going to be okay?

XANDER  
Well, now that the spell's broken the only  
thing I have to worry about is the three  
pounds of raw steak I just ate.

LUCY  
Ewww.

LIV  
Where did the spell come from?

XANDER  
I don't know. But now that it's broken we  
shouldn't have anything to worry about. Why  
don't we get a good night's rest and worry  
about it tomorrow after practice.

LIV  
Okay.

LUCY  
Why don't you pack up honey and we'll head  
home.

Liv starts packing up some of her gear. Lucy steps closer to  
Xander.

LUCY  
(sweetly)  
Sorry about the slappy thing.

XANDER  
(smiles)  
It's okay. Parent's perogative.

They share a moment. Liv notices and clears her throat.

LIV  
I'm just going to wait out in the car so you  
two can... talk.

She leaves.

XANDER  
She's on to us.

LUCY  
I know.

They kiss.

XANDER  
See you tomorrow?

LUCY  
Only if you promise not to attack me. And  
not in the good way. Just the bad way.

XANDER  
Deal.

They kiss again and go their separate ways. Lucy leaves out the  
door and Xander passes by the stack of boxes. As he passes, the  
mystery box once again begins to glow.

INT. XANDER'S FIREHOUSE - BED ROOM - NEXT DAY

Xander lies in bed, pale, sweaty... obviously sick.

LUCY(OS)  
Sparky?

XANDER  
Up here.

Liv and Lucy appear at the top of the stairs.

LUCY  
How you feeling?

XANDER  
Oooooo.... I can't believe I ate the whole  
thing.

Maya walks up behind Liv carrying a Polo doll from "Smile Time"  
and some shirts from a dry cleaner.

LIV  
Does this mean training is a no-go today?

XANDER  
Nope. I've got Brad coming over to spar with  
you today.

MAYA  
Great, another afternoon of cleaning drool  
off of Liv's chin.

LIV  
That's not...

Liv looks over at Maya, sees the puppet and freaks.

LIV  
Gah-ah-ah!  
(points at puppet)  
What are you doing with that?

MAYA  
Oh for crying out loud Liv, it's a puppet.  
The dog puked on it and my Mom sent it to  
the cleaners so my little sister wouldn't  
get dog cooties. I don't know what your  
damage is.

LIV  
They give me the heebie-jeebies.

MAYA  
You feeling better, Mr. Harris?

XANDER  
Not really. Thanks for picking up my dry  
cleaning.

LUCY  
Maybe you would feel better if you got up  
and moved around a little bit.

XANDEE  
The last time I moved around, I threw up my  
spleen.

Lucy starts moving Xander into a sitting position, with Xander  
moaning and groaning the entire time.

LUCY  
Don't be such a freakin' baby.

Brad shows up at the top of the steps.

BRAD  
Hey Mr. H!

Liv turns and watches Brad with a dreamy expression. Maya rolls  
her eyes.

XANDER  
Thanks for coming in Brad.

BRAD  
It's your dime. What do you have going on  
downstairs? Looks like a warehouse for a  
horror movie. You having a yard sale?

XANDER  
Uh... yeah. I'm selling my collection on EBay.  
Hey Brad, when you train Liv today,  
make sure you go over how an opponent  
telegraphs their moves before they attack.

BRAD  
Sure thing Mr. H.  
(makes eyes at Maya)  
See you upstairs, Ladies.

Brad heads upstairs. Liv watches him go.

XANDER  
Liv, make sure you pay attention to Brad  
today. Okay? Liv?

Liv is in her own little world.

MAYA  
I don't think that's going to be a problem.

Maya sticks the puppet in Liv's line of sight.

LIV  
Gah!  
(hits Maya in the shoulder)  
Stop that!

MAYA  
Ow! Hey! Slayer strength!

LUCY  
Come on girls. Let's get upstairs  
(to Xander)  
Go make yourself a cup of tea. You'll feel  
better.

Lucy and the girls head toward the stairs.

XANDER  
Aren't you a nurse? Shouldn't you take care  
of me and give me sponge baths?

LUCY  
I'm off duty. Get your ass out of bed.

The ladies all head upstairs. Xander pulls himself out of bed.

XANDER  
All the cute nurses in the world and I'm  
dating Nurse Ratched.

LUCY (OS)  
I heard that!

INT. XANDER'S FIREHOUSE - KITCHEN  
A tea kettle is firing up on the stove. Xander sits at the  
kitchen island, trying to stay upright.

ANGLE ON: The glowing Box  
The box continues to glow and then pulses another flash of  
light.

INT. xander's firehouse - kitchen

Xander doubles over in pain, his eye glows and a flash of light  
envelopes his body.

XANDER  
OOOooooo.

The phone rings and Xander fumbles with the phone.

XANDER  
(weakly)  
Hello? Diane? Hi. How do I feel? Like I'm  
the gum on the bottom of someone's shoe  
that's being scraped off.  
(beat)  
What am I wearing? Uh.. sweatpants and a  
scuzzy t-shirt.  
(beat)  
Why would I want to know what you're  
wearing?

Xander's eyes bug out of his head and drops the phone based on  
what Diane says next. Xander picks up the phone.

XANDER  
Uhh.. Diane I've got to call you back  
because....

Xander can't think of anything and just hangs up. The tea  
kettle whistles and Xander takes it off the burner.

XANDER  
Where the hell did that come from?

Xander starts to pour water into the mug.

LUCY (OS)  
(seductive)  
Hey, Sparky.

Xander turns to see LUCY dressed in nothing but one of his  
dress shirts, buttons undone almost to her navel. Xander misses  
the mug and pours hot water all over the floor.

XANDER  
Yah! Whoa! Hey there. You startled me!

LUCY  
I thought I'd come down here and we could...  
play doctor.

XANDER  
Wha-huh?

Lucy struts her stuff and walks over to Xander and starts  
nuzzling him

LUCY  
It was all I could do not to rip your  
clothes off in front of the girls.

XANDER  
What are you talking about? I look like  
crap, I smell funky and I'm sweating like  
there's no tomorrow.

Lucy plants a big kiss on Xander's lips. It takes his breath  
away.

XANDER  
And you really don't care.

LUCY  
(seductive)  
I like my men nice and sweaty.

LIV (OS)  
Mom!

Lucy turns to see her daughter at the bottom of the stairs.

LIV  
Mom! What are you doing?

LUCY  
I'm taking care of Mr. Harris.

LIV  
You're trying to sleep with him!

LUCY  
Well, he is my boyfriend.

LIV  
Well, he's my watcher and he loves me more!

LUCY  
(outraged)  
Is this true? Are you seeing my daughter  
behind my back?

LIV  
He may be my watcher, but my love for him  
burns with the heat of a thousand suns!!

XANDER  
Have you two lost your minds?!

Maya appears at the top of the stairs dressed like Lucy.

MAYA  
Hey, Mr Harris. Feeling better?

LIV  
Back off Maya! He's mine!

XANDER  
Oh... Oh... This is just all sorts of wrong.  
This is like...  
(epiphany)  
Oh my god...

Xander staggers into the..

INT. XANDER'S FIREHOUSE - MAIN ROOM

Xander starts digging around the room looking for something.  
Lucy, Liv and Maya follow him.

LUCY  
Honeybear, did you need something?

LIV  
My undying love?

MAYA  
My succulent body?

Xander finds the spell bag and starts rummaging through it.

LUCY  
What are you looking for dearest?

Xander pulls out another spell pencil and breaks it, wih the  
same special effect as before. The affect on the women is  
immediate... They all freak.

LIV  
Omigod! What was I saying?

Lucy and Maya busy themselves by trying to cover up.

LUCY  
Sweet Jesus, what the hell is going on here?

Xander collapses onto one of the couches and grabs the magic  
eight ball.

XANDER  
Is this what I think it is?  
(reads answer)  
Crap.

MAYA  
What the hell just happened?

XANDER  
A spell.

LUCY  
A magic spell?

XANDER  
No. A spelling bee where every woman I know  
shows up in her underwear and asks for the  
meaning of words and how to use them in a  
sentence.

LIV  
I did not show up in my underwear!

LUCY  
No, your love for him just burns with the  
heat of a thousand suns.

Maya laughs.

LIV  
You want to say something Miss "Succulent  
Body"?

Maya stops laughing.

MAYA  
I... uh... I'm going to change into  
something less embarrasing.

Maya runs upstairs.

LUCY  
What spell was cast on us?

XANDER  
Not on you, on me. It was a love spell that  
was cast on me in high school, but there's  
more to it. It's also the spell that was on  
me last night where I was possessed by a  
hyena. The reason I'm sick is because of an  
ancient curse from the Chumash Indian tribe.

LUCY  
I think he's delirious.

LIV  
And you're prancing around in your underwear  
because...?

LUCY  
Okay... Good point.

XANDER  
Something is causing these spells to be  
reinstated and we need to find out before...

Xander starts feeling weak.

LUCY  
Before what?

Xander doubles over and the strange flash of light envelopes  
his body again. He collapses back on the couch next to a  
blackened set of bones from the vizier's cave.

LUCY  
What the hell was that?

Xander shakes his head and looks around puzzled. He turns and  
sees the bones next to him and screams like a little girl. Liv  
approaches him and gently touches him on the arm.

LIV  
Mr. Harris?

Xander jumps at the touch and looks at Lucy and Liv like he  
doesn't know them.

LIV  
Mr. Harris? What's wrong?

XANDER  
Where am I?

LIV  
You're home, Mr. Harris

Xander looks at all the magical parahernalia in the room and  
then back at Lucy and Liv.

XANDER  
Who's Mr. Harris?

LUCY  
Okay... Now he's delirious.

END ACT I

ACT II

INT. XANDER'S FIREHOUSE - MAIN ROOM - MOMENT'S LATER

XANDER  
(panicking)  
Who are you? Where am I?

LIV  
Calm down, Mr. Harris!

XANDER  
Who's Mr. Harris?!!

Lucy is digging through the bag and pulls out another negation  
spell pencil

LUCY  
Is this what we need?

LIV  
Yes.  
(Takes pencil and gives it to Xander)  
Break this.

XANDER  
(Wary)  
Why?

LIV  
Just do it.

XANDER  
Why am I taking orders from a little girl?

LIV  
Just do it!!

Xander, startled by Liv's vehemence breaks the pencil and the  
mist comes over him, breaking the spell. Xander sighs in relief

XANDER  
Okay. Good. Thanks. Can I have another one  
to get rid of the syphilis?

Liv and Lucy take a step back at the statement.

XANDER  
It's a spell. Really. From the Chumash  
Indians. Can I have another one?

LUCY  
Um.. That's was the last one.

LIV  
We used most of them yesterday when that  
puzzle box came to life and...

XANDER  
Okay, okay. What about the pack of spells  
you have at home?

LIV  
(Guilty)  
The pack we have at home...? Uh...

XANDER  
What?

LIV  
I just thought they were pencils so I took  
them to the PSAT.

XANDER  
You're fifteen years old and you're taking  
the PSAT's?

LIV  
I... I have test anxiety so I took it early  
to prepare myself.

XANDER  
Well, how many pencils do you have left?

LIV  
Um... Zero.

XANDER  
You went through all the pencils at the  
PSAT?

LIV  
I have test anxiety!!

XANDER  
Okay, okay. This is not a problem. We just  
need to identify what item here is causing  
the spells to regnerate.

Xander looks around the room at all the Vizier's junk. He  
immediately become disheartened.

XANDER  
Okay. Maya!  
(to Liv)  
Go up to the training room and spar with  
Brad. There's going to be some strange stuff  
going on and you need to keep him busy while  
we catalog everything.

LIV  
Shouldn't I help?

XANDER  
Your priority is to train. This is my  
problem and I'll deal with it.

LIV  
But...

XANDER  
Go train. I'll be okay.

Liv heads upstairs.

LUCY  
Wouldn't it just be easier if we just take  
some hammers and smash everything in sight?

XANDER  
Who knows what that's going to set off. I'll  
stick to this problem before starting any  
others.  
(Calling)  
Maya! We need your help down here!  
(To Lucy)  
As much as I regret saying this, go put your  
pants back on and we'll finish cataloging  
creepy tings.

LUCY  
Okay, but for the record, I really don't  
like sweaty sick men.

XANDER  
Duly noted.

Lucy heads upstairs as Xander looks around the room

XANDER  
This is going to suck.

INT. XANDER'S FIREHOUSE - MAIN ROOM -- LATER

Maya and Lucy continue to catalog items. Xander looks like he's  
been put through the wringer, but he continues to push through.  
Liv comes downstairs, towling off from her training session

LIV  
How's it going?

XANDER  
We've found many, many creepy things, but  
nothing that's causing my problem.

MAYA  
We did get a rousing broadway tune regarding  
the joys and tribulations of having syphilis  
and other sexually transmitted diseases.

LUCY  
I'd call it more of a book number than a  
breakway pop hit. Still it was both  
entertaining and educational.

XANDER  
Everybody's a critic. I bet you didn't even  
know that there was a word that rhymed with  
syphilis.

LIV  
I don't understand.

LUCY  
Apparently Mr. Harris had a spell cast on  
him that makes him occasionally break out  
into song and dance.

LIV  
That's so cool!

XANDER  
Except that if I sing and dance too much  
I'll burst into flames and die.

LIV  
Ah. There's the rub. Always gotta have a  
downside to it.

Xander's body goes the whole "Glowy" thing again.

MAYA  
(groaning)  
Now what?

LUCY  
Jeez 'O Pete, Sparky! How many times have  
you been... spelled at?

XANDER  
(weak)  
I lost count after a while

Xander is visibly weaker as he tries to push himself out of the  
chair, loses his balance and quickly collapses back into it.

LIV  
Did you have a spell cast on you that makes  
you lose your equilibirium?

XANDER  
No, I think that's just the multitude of  
diseases I have at the moment.

Xander spots a bug on the chair and instinctively grabs it and  
eats it.

LIV  
Eww!

MAYA  
Oh... forgot to tell you, he also eats bugs  
now.

LIV  
Why?

XANDER  
Long story.

LUCY  
He was once a minion of Dracula.

XANDER  
That's the short version.

LIV  
Ahh.. I get it. You're Renfield.

XANDER  
(Laughs)  
Yep. That's me. "What EEZ IT, man?!!"

Liv shakes her head.

LIV  
Renfield. From Bram Stoker's Dracula. Not  
Ren from Ren and Stimpy.

XANDER  
(feeling stupid)  
Oh.

LUCY  
(whispering)  
Don't feel bad. I was thinking the same  
thing.

Brad comes downstairs and is packed to go.

BRAD  
Well everyone, I'm out of here.

XANDER  
Thanks for coming in Brad.

BRAD  
Hope you feel better Mr. H! Bye Maya.

MAYA  
(rolling her eyes)  
Brad.

LIV  
Bye Brad.

Brad, as usual, ignores her. He opens the door to leave and  
three Ypoog demons burst into the room, knocking Brad to the  
floor. Maya and Lucy dive for and close the door shut.

XANDER  
Ypoog demons! Go for the head!

Xander grabs a nearby sword and charges one of the demons, and  
has his ass handed to him with one punch and falls to the  
ground.

Liv grabs an axe, dispatches the first demon (with the  
requisite explosion of goo), blocks two punches and a kick from  
the second demon and dispatches him with another shot to the  
head with the axe. The third demon gets two punches and a kick  
in on Liv, disorienting her. Xander tackles the demon from  
behind and slams the demon into the ground. Liv recovers and  
smashes the blunt handle of the axe into the final demon's  
head.

Brad is plastered against the wall with his eyes bugging out.

BRAD  
What the hell was that?!

MAYA  
(pulling herself off the floor)  
Ypoog demons. What? You never saw a demon  
before?

BRAD  
I'm out of here!!

XANDER  
Stop him!

In a flash, Liv beats Brad to the door and throws him up  
against the wall.

BRAD  
(screaming)  
Get away from me, freak!!

Liv winces at the insult. Xander looks outside the front  
window and shakes his head.

XANDER  
Brad. Calm down.

BRAD  
(screaming)  
Let me out of here!!

XANDER  
Look out the front window Brad.

Brad calms down and Liv lets him go. Brad goes to the front  
window and looks out.

EXT. XANDER'S FRONT YARD - BRAD'S POV

Demons are gathering in the front of Xander's yard and starting  
to cause destruction to neighboring businesses.

BRAD(OS)  
Holy crap.

INT. XANDER'S FIREHOUSE - MAIN ROOM.  
Everyone is looking at the front window now.

LUCY  
What is it?

XANDER  
Demon magnet spell. They're all attracted to  
me. The glamour spell must be keeping them  
at bay.

MAYA  
Demon magnet spell? Who did that to you?

XANDER  
Willow.

LIV  
What did you do to Ms. Rosenberg to deserve  
that?!

XANDER  
(sighs)  
Long story.

LIV  
Is there a short version?

XANDER  
Uh... No. Okay everyone! Plan B.

MAYA  
What's plan B?

XANDER  
Grab a blunt object and smash everything in  
sight.

LUCY  
Didn't I have that idea about three hours  
ago?

XANDER  
Can we avoid the whole "I told you so"  
argument if I admit I was completely wrong?

LUCY  
Do you?

XANDER  
I do.

LUCY  
Okay.

Without missing a beat, Lucy starts smashing arcane objects.  
Everyone starts breaking objects. Brad stands confused.

BRAD  
What are we doing?

MAYA  
Brad! No questions! Just break stuff.

Brad grabs a weapon and beats the crap out of an end table.

MAYA  
Not the furniture!

MONTAGE:  
The gang goes medieval on the collection of objects. Some items  
break into tiny pieces. Some items vanish in a puff of smoke.  
Some items come alive and attack the group which leads to more  
smashing.

Finally it is all done. Xander is weaker than before and can no  
longer stand.

LUCY  
Is that everything?

LIV  
I think so.

Brad is looking out the window.

BRAD  
There's still more of those things coming.

XANDER  
Okay. Not good. Are we sure we smashed  
everything?

MAYA  
Oops.

BRAD  
Who said oops? Oops, is bad right?

XANDER  
What is it Maya?

MAYA  
When I came by this morning to get my school  
books? And you asked me to pick up your dry  
cleaning?

XANDER  
Yes?

MAYA  
Well you had all these boxes that you packed  
up yesterday and since you weren't feeling  
well....

XANDER  
Oh no.

MAYA  
I mailed them.

XANDER  
Great. No good deed goes unpunished.

LUCY  
Do you know if they went out or if they're  
still at the post office?

MAYA  
I don't know, I dropped them off on my way  
over here.

XANDER  
Where's the eight ball?

BRAD  
Eight ball? It's over there  
(points to a broken eight ball lying on  
Maya's puppet)  
I smashed it. Was that bad?

Xander stumbles over and picks up the broken parts of the eight  
ball.

XANDER  
This is not good.

MAYA  
Brad! What were you thinking?

BRAD  
How was I supposed to know?

XANDER  
What am I going to do now?

VOICE(OS)  
Reply hazy. Ask again later.

The entire group stops and looks over at...

ANGLE ON:  
The puppet.

LIV  
(freaked)  
Did... Did...

BRAD  
(also freaked)  
Did that thing just talk?

The puppet gives a "puppet smile" and waves at the group. It's  
voice is somewhat cartoonish.

PUPPET  
Signs point to yes!

The group stands dumbfounded. Except for Liv who faints and  
falls flat on her face.

XANDER  
Aw crap.

END ACT II

ACT III

INT. XANDER'S FIREHOUSE - MAIN ROOM  
The group is scattered about the room. Brad sits catatonic on  
the couch with Maya nearby. Liv is practically glued to her  
Mom's side near the kitchen. Xander is examining the now  
"living puppet".

MAYA  
Man, just when you think it can't get any  
weirder, we get a talking puppet.

Brad sits and stares out into space.

MAYA  
Brad? Brad?  
(snaps fingers in front of Brad's face and  
whistles)  
Okay everyone, it's official: Brad's lost  
it.

XANDER  
So you were the eight ball and now you're...  
a puppet.

PUPPET  
Yes. Definitely.

XANDER  
Still have the same powers?

PUPPET  
Yes. Definitely.

XANDER  
Just in puppet form?

PUPPET  
Signs point to yes.

XANDER  
Is the package still at the post office?

PUPPET  
Yes. Definitely.

XANDER  
All right. Now we just got to come up with a  
plan to get past the horde of demons on my  
front lawn to the post office. Any ideas?

PUPPET  
(shrugs)  
Reply hazy. Ask again later.

XANDER  
Which is eight ball-speak for "I don't  
know."

PUPPET  
Signs point to yes.

XANDER  
Right. Got it. Anybody have any ideas?

BRAD  
We're all going to die.

XANDER  
Okay, we've heard from Brad. Anyone else?

LUCY  
Go out the back?

MAYA  
I checked, we're surrounded. The demons have  
no idea what they've surrounded, but we're  
surrounded.

XANDER  
Liv? Any ideas?

LIV  
Kill the puppet.

PUPPET  
(Scared)  
My reply is No!

XANDER  
I think the puppet is okay, Liv.

LIV  
Sure, that's what it wants you to believe  
until it goes all "chucky" on you.

MAYA  
Okay... and it looks like we've lost Liv as  
well.  
(smiles)  
Hey, wee puppet man! Go give Liv a hug.

PUPPET  
(Suddenly loving)  
It is decidedly so!

The puppet moves to hug Liv with arms open wide. Kind of cute  
actually, but not for Liv. Liv hides behind her Mom.

LIV  
(horrified)  
Keep that thing away from me!

LUCY  
(sighs)  
I should have never rented that movie.

Xander's body does another flash of light, except now...  
there's two of them.

XANDER1 & XANDER2  
Now what?

Everyone does a double take... (Sorry couldn't resist) The two  
Xander's freak out for a moment.

XANDER1 & XANDER2  
Gah!

Xander1 pokes Xander2. Xander2 reciprocates. They smile in  
realization. The rest of the gang just looks on.

XANDER1  
It's about time you got here!

XANDER2  
Like I can control what's happening.

XANDER1  
You got the syphilis?

XANDER2  
(takes a deep breath)  
Nope. I'm Chumash free. No urge to eat bugs  
either. Looks like all the spells stuck with  
you.

XANDER1  
Lucky dog.

XANDER2  
I feel for 'ya, bud.

MAYA  
Does anybody want to explain the doublemint  
twins?

XANDER1  
Oh, a while back a Toth demon split us into  
two different parts.

XANDER2  
Quite the goofy excapade wasn't it?

Both laugh. Maya just shakes her head.

MAYA  
All righty then!

XANDER1  
So do you have any ideas for...?

Xander2's body goes all glowy.

XANDER1  
Uh, oh. What'd you get?

Xander2 stands up straight and flips a salute.

XANDER2  
Reporting for duty sir! Wait? Where am I?

MAYA  
Oh boy.

XANDER1  
No, this is good.

LIV  
It is?

XANDER2  
What's going on here?

XANDER1  
Stand down soldier! You're in a black ops  
scenario. These are special operatives of the  
NSA who need your assistance.

XANDER2  
(suspsiciously)  
What's your clearance?

XANDER1  
Clearance? I don't need no stinking  
clearance! Look outside soldier, it's  
armageddon!

Xander2 goes to the window.

LUCY  
What just happened?

XANDER1  
One Halloween, I dressed up like a solider,  
a big bad cast a spell and I actually  
became..

LUCY  
(sighs)  
Okay... I get it. So how does this help us?

Xander1 smiles.

XANDER1  
Did I tell you about my visit it to the army  
supply store the other day?

INT. XANDER'S FIREHOUSE - MAIN ROOM -- LATER  
Xander2 is now dressed in fatigues, kevlar and helmet, matching  
Liv almost to a "T". He's also armed to the teeth. Liv is also  
carrying a backpack and the Puppet is hanging out of the top of  
it. Liv is not pleased. Brad and Maya are nowhere to be seen.

LIV  
Why do I have to carry the demon puppet?!

XANDER1  
It's not a demon. Willow checked out the 8  
ball when she was last here.

LIV  
Then what is it?

XANDER1  
That I don't know. But can you trust me?

LIV  
(sullen)  
I suppose so.

XANDER1  
All right then, then we're all familiar with  
the plan?

XANDER2  
Affirmative.

LIV  
Yes.

The puppet gives what apparently is a puppet's thumbs up.

PUPPET  
Outlook is good!

LUCY  
I sure hope that's a thumb you're holding  
up.

PUPPET  
Yes! Definitely.

LUCY  
(to Liv)  
You be careful out there sweetie.

PUPPET  
Outlook is good!

LIV  
Yeah. We got that.

XANDER1  
All right let's get this started.

Xander1 picks up a military CB and talks into it.

XANDER1  
Moose to Squirrel. Come in Squirrel. Boris  
and Natasha are leaving the building.

MAYA  
(filtered)  
Oh for crying out loud, can we just get  
moving?

XANDER1  
Okay Maya... Make 'em cry.

INT. XANDER'S FIREHOUSE - TRAINING ROOM.

Maya and Brad are on the top floor, surrounded by handheld  
canisters of teargas.

MAYA  
Bombs away!

Brad opens a window and he and Maya start pulling pins and  
tossing tear gas containers.

EXT. XANDER'S FIREHOUSE - FRONT LAWN

The tear gas starts forming around all the monsters. The  
demons... as least the ones that breathe, start backing away  
from the house.

INT. XANDER'S FIREHOUSE - MAIN ROOM

XANDER1  
Go!

EXT. XANDER'S FIREHOUSE - MAIN ENTRANCE

Xander2 bursts out the door, guns blazing. Liv follows wielding her favorite battle axe. What demons aren't mowed down by Xander2, she takes out with quick and hearty kicks, punches or slices.

PUPPET  
Oulook is good! Outlook is good!

LIV  
Shut up already!

INT. XANDER'S FIREHOUSE - MAIN ROOM.

Xander slams the door shut and leans up against it.

XANDER  
How they doing?

LUCY  
They broke through. A few of the demons are  
following them.

XANDER  
Most will stay here. They're attracted to  
me, not them.

Xander flops to the floor. He really doesn't look good. He's a  
big sweaty mess and is weaker than he let on.

LUCY  
Xander?

XANDER  
I'm okay.

Lucy realizes something.

LUCY  
You're really not okay, are you?

XANDER  
(very weak)  
No. I'm not. Each time a spell is  
regenerated it takes something out of me.

LUCY  
Why didn't you say anything?

XANDER  
I had to get your daughter out. She's my  
first priority.

LUCY  
I don't understand. Why didn't you get a  
premonition about this?

XANDER  
I did. It came too late. This was the only  
way.

Xander begins to shiver. Lucy grabs a blanket off the couch and  
covers him with it. She then sits down next to Xander and holds  
him close.

LUCY  
Hang in there, Sparky.

EXT. CAPE KENNETH - MAIN STREET.

Liv, the puppet and Xander run down the street. Xander brings  
up the rear and provides cover fire behind them. Xander looks  
up from the rear.

XANDER  
Up ahead.

LIV  
I see them.

Three vamps are charging toward them. Liv pulls out one of her  
stakes and throws it dead center into one of the vampires,  
dusting him. She bashes one vampire in the head with the blunt  
end of the axe, swings and decapitates the other vampire. The  
other vampire comes at her again, feints a kick and lets go  
with a volley of punches. Liv deflects the punches with the  
axe, pulls out another stake and dusts the final vamp.

LIV  
Not bad huh?

PUPPET  
Yes! Definitely

XANDER  
How much further to the post office?

LIV  
Three more blocks.

XANDER  
Let's keep moving.

INT. XANDER'S FIREHOUSE - BEDROOM.

Lucy has gotten Xander into bed. Maya and Brad come down from  
the training room.

MAYA  
They got to Main street okay, but we  
couldn't see them once they turned the  
corner.  
(she looks at Xander)  
Is he going to be all right?

LUCY  
(heart in her throat)  
I don't know.

EXT. CAPE KENNETH - POST OFFICE - SIDE ENTRANCE.

Xander and Liv run up to the door.

XANDER  
Door's locked.

Liv kicks the door open.

LIV  
Not a problem.

They enter.

INT. POST OFFICE - WAREHOUSE ENTRANCE.

Xander and Liv run in. Stop in shock.

ANGLE ON: THE WAREHOUSE  
Remember that scene at the end of Raiders of the Lost Ark with  
all the boxes? Then you get the idea.

LIV  
Aw Crap! What do we do now?!

XANDER  
I don't know. I... OW!

Xander grabs his head.

LIV  
What?

XANDER  
Row G. Bin 11. Third from the top.

LIV  
Are you sure?

PUPPET  
Yes! Definitely!

Liv takes off. Xander follows.

INT. POST OFFICE WAREHOUSE - ROW G

Liv runs down the row and skids to a stop in front of bin 11.

LIV  
Third from the top.

Xander grabs the box. The light from within begins to pulsate.

LIV  
Okay. That doesn't look good. Now what?

XANDER  
I don't know.

LIV  
Should we just smash it?

PUPPET  
Yes!

Xander drops the package and Liv proceed to smack the crap out  
of it with her axe. The pulsing light stops and purple fluid  
begins to ooze out of it.

LIV  
Did it work?

PUPPET  
Signs point to yes!

LIV  
Mr. Harris? Did it work?

Liv looks around, but Xander is nowhere to be seen.

LIV  
I'll take that as a yes.

PUPPET  
Outlook good!

LIV  
Yeah. I got that.

END ACT III

ACT IV  
INT. XANDER'S FIREHOUSE - MAIN ROOM

Xander is in the kitchen area having coffee. The Puppet (Pongo)  
is running around the place like a maniac.

XANDER  
Pongo! Put that down!

The phone rings

XANDER  
Pongo, I mean it. The remote control is not  
a toy.  
(answers phone)  
Muppet central.

LUCY  
(filtered)  
How's my favorite patient today?

XANDER  
I am doing fine.

LUCY  
(filtered)  
Just thought I'd check and see you how your  
Chumash Syphilis is doing?

XANDER  
Gone.

LUCY  
(filtered)  
Bug-eating?

XANDER  
Also gone.

LUCY  
(filtered)  
Double image?

XANDER  
I'm fully merged, Thank you.

LUCY  
(filtered)  
Song and dance man?

XANDER  
Now just talking and standing.

LUCY  
(filtered)  
Demon magnet?

XANDER  
Hopefully now demon repellant.

INT. CAPE KENNETH HOSPITAL - NURSING STATION

Lucy is dressed in scrubs talking with Xander on the phone.

LUCY  
Sounds like you're cured.

XANDER  
(filtered)  
Yes and all the bits and pieces have been  
shipped off to a very angry watcher's  
council. Apparently they don't like their  
magical artifacts smashed into itty-bitty...

A crash is heard off screen.

XANDER  
(filtered)  
Pongo! Clean that up.

LUCY  
Pongo?

XANDER  
(filtered)  
Yes, I may be cured of all magical ailments  
but I am still puppet infested.

LUCY  
Can you call an exterminator for that?

INT. XANDER'S FIREHOUSE MAIN ROOM.

XANDER  
I wish. Ooooh! Pongo! No! No!

Another crash is heard off camera.

PONGO  
Outlook is good!

XANDER  
Bad puppet! Very bad puppet!

LUCY  
(filtered)  
Where'd you get the name Pongo?

XANDER  
It was the name of my dog when I was a kid.  
Seems to fit.

LUCY  
(filtered)  
I didn't know you had a dog.

XANDER  
Well, not for long. My mom traded him for a  
carton of luckies and a fifth of Jim Bean.

LUCY  
Ahhh.. Sounds like a movie made for Disney.

XANDER  
Are you coming over for training tonight?

LUCY  
Well I was, but according to Liv...

INT. SAINT BUFALARI'S SCHOOL - HALLWAY

Liv is leaning up against the locker in her standard school  
garb... except for the military boots of course. Maya is  
getting her books out of the locker.

LIV  
I'm not going back until he gets rid of the  
puppet.

MAYA  
Oh you soooo need to get over this.

LIV  
Fine. When it gets all "Hi, I'm Chucky!  
Wanna Play?" and goes psycho on you, I'm so  
gonna be "I told you so."

Brad Valentine walks down the hallway with his usual entourage.

BRAD  
Hey Maya.

MAYA  
(rolls her eyes)  
Brad.

BRAD  
Hi Liv.

Liv is shocked. She let's out one her excited squeaks.

MAYA  
Oh God. Here we go.

FADE TO BLACK

Liv squeaks again on voice over.

MAYA (VO)  
Breathe. Liv. Breathe.


	6. Solo

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> For the first time, Xander's slayer goes on patrol... alone. Unfortunately the Big Bad has plans for her.

TEASER  
EXT. SAINT BUFALARI'S SCHOOL

MAYA (VO)  
Where is that little twerp?

INT. SAINT BUFALARI'S SCHOOL - LIBRARY

Liv and Maya are working in the stacks doing research.

LIV  
Come on Maya, it's not that bad.

MAYA  
Do you want to tell Sister Sledge that we  
don't have our group project done? We were  
supposed to meet the last two nights and he  
bailed on us.

LIV  
It's not due until Monday, we've got time  
and our portions are almost done.

MAYA  
It's the weekend! I'm supposed to be  
comatose for two days! Not spending 48 hours  
going over the cultural achievements of  
ancient Sumeria. I swear I'm going rip that  
little...

VOICE(OS)  
Hey.

LIV  
Hi Jordy.

ANGLE ON:

Jordy. Dressed in the standard St. Bufalari Uniform, he still  
looks like an unmade bed. Wild and unruly red hair and a thin  
frame completes the picture.

JORDY  
Talking about me?

LIV  
No.

MAYA  
Yes! Where the hell have you been?

JORDY  
Sorry. My grandmother grounded me.

MAYA  
Well, you could have told us. Nimrod.

LIV  
Maya...

JORDY  
(unflappable)  
Nah. It's cool. I understand.

Jordy reaches into his bag and pulls out a folder filled with  
neatly stacked papers and a couple of CD-ROMS and hands it to  
Liv.

JORDY  
I finished my portion of the research. You  
should have everything on hard copy there  
and I put my portions of the report and  
bibliography on the discs. I talked with  
Sister Samantha about not being able to  
participate in the group so she pushed back  
the deadline for us until Tuesday.

LIV  
(looking over the docs)  
This is great Jordy! Wow! You even have  
everything cross-referenced.

MAYA  
Sorry Jordy.

JORDY  
(waves it off)  
If I cared about my grades I'd be flipped  
out too. We cool?

MAYA  
We're good.

JORDY  
Better haul ass before Nana flips her  
biscuit. If you need anything, send me an email.

LIV  
Thanks Jordy.

Jordy leaves.

MAYA  
Okay, now maybe the weekend won't totally  
suck.

LIV  
I don't get it. He's smarter than everyone  
but he's failing everything.

They start gathering up their books and head out of the  
library.

MAYA  
Whatever. Hey you want to come with me to  
Brad's party tonight? You can drool all you  
want and I can entertain myself by making  
fun of all the social delusions he has about  
himself.

LIV  
Can't. I'm patrolling solo tonight.

MAYA  
Really? Mr. Harris is finally letting you  
off the leash?

LIV  
Don't make me sound like a dog.

MAYA  
Woof! Woof!  
(panting noises)  
Woof!

LIV  
(laughs)  
Okay, you know that line your not supposed  
to cross with your friends?

MAYA  
(smiles)  
I'm approaching it?

LIV  
Look behind you.

Maya laughs.

MAYA  
Are you excited?

LIV  
Excited. Nauseous. Scared. All of the above.

MAYA  
Trust me, you've got nothing to be scared  
about.

INT. THE VIZIER'S HIDEOUT  
The Vizier sits in a chair in the thinker pose as he watches  
Maya and Liv through some sort of mystical portal.

LIV (OS)  
Sure. Just demons, vampires. You know. The  
usual.

The Vizier smiles an evil ugly smile.

VIZIER  
My dear... you have no idea what I have in  
store for you.

And the bad guy cackles like there is no tomorrow.

END TEASER

ACT I

INT. XANDER'S FIREHOUSE - MAIN ROOM

Xander is going over Liv's gear.

XANDER  
Stakes?

LIV  
Check.

XANDER  
Battle axe?

LIV  
Check.

XANDER  
Field PDA?

LIV  
Check.

XANDER  
Good. How do you feel?

LIV  
Nervous.

XANDER  
You'll do fine. If you get into any  
problems, call me.

LIV  
Okay.

Xander give her an appraising look.

XANDER  
You're not going to be sick are you?

LIV  
(chagrined)  
Already threw up twice on the way over here.

XANDER  
You're going to be fine. You're smart,  
you're strong and you're fast. Just don't  
over-think it.

LIV  
Okay. What are you going to be doing?

XANDER  
Well... since your Mom is working tonight...

Xander pulls out a large bound book and plops it on the table  
with a heavy thunk.

XANDER  
I get to read the council's analysis on all  
the bits and pieces we sent them from that  
warlock's cave.

LIV  
That's a lot of reading.

XANDER  
I think they were a little miffed at our  
smash and bash approach.

LIV  
So they retaliated with paperwork?

XANDER  
It appears so.  
(sighs)  
You ready?

LIV  
No.  
(beat)  
Yes.  
(beat)  
I don't know. You think I'm going to do okay  
tonight?

PONGO the oracle puppet pops up from below, arms waving  
excitedly.

PONGO  
Outlook GOOD!

LIV  
(startled)  
Gah! Get away from me!

Pongo hangs his head with disappointment and bobs away.

LIV  
Can't we tie him up or something?

XANDER  
He's not evil, Liv. He's a creature called  
Ekul Reklawyks. Dawn looked him up for me.

LIV  
What's a Ekool Reklaw-whatever you called  
it?

XANDER  
It's actually part of a gestation stage for  
an Oracle spirit. At this point they can't  
make any prophecies, but they are keyed in  
on what is the truth. Usually they don't  
take physical form in our dimension, so I  
guess you can say we're lucky to have him.

LIV  
Can we just stuff him back in the eight  
ball?

XANDER  
Now, I know it's a little bit freaky but  
even if we knew how to put him back I don't  
think he want to go. Besides it's kind of  
nice to have someone other than me in the  
house.

A loud crashing noise occurs off camera.

XANDER  
(Sighs with frustration)  
That breaks ALL MY STUFF!!

PONGO (OS)  
Outlook good!

XANDER  
Of course there is also the communication  
barrier.  
(To Pongo)  
You better clean that up!

PONGO(OS)  
It is certain!

XANDER  
All right. I've got reading and puppet  
sitting to do. And you have patrolling to  
do.

LIV  
Okay.

Liv's feet are planted on the floor.

XANDER  
You're not moving.

LIV  
(panicky)  
I don't know if I'm ready for this.

Xander sits down so they are at eye level.

XANDER  
Remember the alley?

LIV  
No.

XANDER  
Remember the demons invading your house?

LIV  
No.

XANDER  
Remember saving Dawn? Getting past the  
demons to get to the post office?

LIV  
Vaguely.

XANDER  
It's because you were in motion. You just  
moved. No thinking. So... Don't think. Just  
act.

Liv looks at Xander for a second and starts laughing.

LIV  
That was pretty lame.

XANDER  
Yep. Sorry, I got no words. Just faith... in you.

Liv smiles. Xander smiles back.

LIV  
How about I read the report and you go on  
patrol?

XANDER  
Tempting, but no.

LIV  
How about we read the report together and we  
send Pongo out on patrol.

XANDER  
Again... Tempting, but no.  
(hands her the PDA)  
Check in every 20 minutes.

LIV  
Am I ready for this?

XANDER  
You'll never know... unless you GO.

LIV  
All right. I'm going.

Liv walks out. Xander walks to the windows and watches her  
until she is out of sight.

EXT. CAPE KENNETH CEMETERY

Liv is battling a vampire. Hand to hand, he is almost a match  
for her. They trade blows back and forth like pros. The vamp  
goes after her with a two punch combo and a roundhouse kick.  
Liv blocks the two punches, ducks under the roundhouse kick and  
stakes him before the vamp can recover.

She sits back on a grave and catches her breath. Her PDA  
chirps. Liv pulls it out.

LIV  
Hey Mr. Harris.

XANDER  
(Filtered)  
How's it going?

LIV  
Just staked my third vamp.

XANDER  
(filtered)  
Good job. Where are you?

LIV  
Third cemetery. Two more to go.

Liv hears some sounds like people talking in the distance.

XANDER  
(filtered)  
Excellent. Check in when you get to the next  
site.

LIV  
Hold on. I'm hearing some activity over by  
the Mauseoleoum. I'll give you a call after  
I check it out.

EXT. CAPE KENNETH CEMETERY - MAUSEOLEOUM

Liv approaches the site cautiously. We see brief glimpses of  
humananoid forms and then... Brad.

LIV  
(realizing)  
Brad's party.

ANGLE ON: The party

Seems like most of the high school is there. Liv breathes a  
sigh of relief and starts to head off when...

MAYA(OS)  
Hey worm!

Maya pops up next to Liv, scaring the daylights out of her.

LIV  
Jeez. You scared me.

MAYA  
Yeah. I'm good that way. Come to join me for  
Mock-fest 2005?

LIV  
No. I forgot Brad had his big party here.

A snotty group of teenage girls walk by. Their leader, Vanessa  
stops to disparage.

VANESSA  
Olivia Fontaine? What is she doing here?

MAYA  
She's with me.

VANESSA  
Nice outfit. Where'd you get it, the army  
surplus store?

LIV  
Yep. Got a good deal too.

The girls all titter. Liv goes into awkward mode.

MAYA  
Oh like you ladies didn't get those  
wonderful outfits at TJ Maxx.

VANESSA  
Maya, as a second string cheerleader, I  
think you would know better than to...

MAYA  
Piss you off? Like I give a damn. Why don't  
you take your botched nose job and two  
dollar mini-skirt and go hang out with the  
bulimics who worship you and leave us alone.

The girls all leave in a huff.

LIV  
You really shouldn't do that.

MAYA  
Oh come on, there was no part of that that  
wasn't fun.

LIV  
How did I ever get such a good friend?

MAYA  
Your Mom pays me five bucks a week and lets  
me eat all the candy I want.

Liv and Maya laugh.

JORDY(OS)  
Hey ladies. Did I miss the floor show?

Jordy approaches them, still looking like he rolled out of bed,  
but much better looking in his "civvies". He drinks out of a  
strange looking bottle.

MAYA  
Naw. You just missed me bitch slap the  
fashion police.

Jordy sits back on a tombstone.

JORDY  
Ahhh... Then the festivities have not truly  
begun. Hey Liv.

LIV  
Hey Jordy.

MAYA  
I thought you were grounded.

JORDY  
I am.

LIV  
And yet you're here.

JORDY  
Grandma goes to bed at nine. She's a  
hardcore sleeper. Won't be up until dawn.

MAYA  
Wow. Sneaking out of the house while  
grandma sleeps. Guess that makes you a badass,  
huh?

JORDY  
Nah. That just makes me an opportunist. And  
just a tad bit pathetic.

Maya and Liv laugh.

LIV  
I didn't think you were a drinker.

JORDY  
(lifts bottle)  
This? Just hemlock. Should be keeling over  
dead any second.

Maya catches a whiff.

MAYA  
Whoa! That smells like feet.

JORDY  
Tastes like it too.

LIV  
Then why do you drink it?

JORDY  
Health tonic. It's good for me.

MAYA  
You're a pretty strange duck, Jordy.

JORDY  
A cheerleader who disses her fellow  
cheerwenches and a bookworm in fatigues? I  
seem to be in good company.

Jordy and Maya smile. Kindred spirits.

BRAD(OS)  
(howling)  
Woooooooooooooo!

JORDY  
And the floor show has just started.

Brad approaches the group with a couple of buddies from his  
entourage. He's drunk out of his mind.

BRAD  
MAYA! What's going down!

Maya greets Brad with the standard eye roll.

MAYA  
(disgusted)  
Brad.

BRAD  
Whoa! Check out Liv! You're all "sistah  
soldier".

LIV  
(barely able to speak)  
Hi Brad.

BRAD  
You out on patrol? Killing demons and  
vampires?

His buddies and Jordy give him a strange look. Maya and Liv are  
horrified.

LIV  
Uh. Yeah.

BRAD  
That's totally bitching!

JORDY  
Wow Brad, you usually don't start  
hallucinating until after eleven 'o clock.

Liv and Maya share a look of relief.

BRAD  
Do I know you?

JORDY  
I'm no one of consequence.

Brad and his buddies are even more confused. Jordy adopts a  
party attitude.

JORDY  
Party on dudes! Bitchin'!

BRAD  
WOOOOOO!!

Brad and his buddies start up the whole party screaming  
attitude and move on. Jordy goes back to his easy going self.

JORDY  
There was no part of that, that wasn't fun.

They all laugh. Liv's PDA chirps.

XANDER  
(filtered)  
Moose to Squirrel. Come in Squirrel

LIV  
(horrified)  
Um... Excuse me.

Liv separates herself from Maya and Jordy.

JORDY  
What was that all about?

MAYA  
She's.. She's doing this survival training  
program.

JORDY  
Liv? Survival training?  
(tries to wrap his head around it)  
Isn't that where they send you out in the  
middle of nowhere and make you eat bark?

Maya laughs. LIV moves away from the party and answers the PDA

LIV  
Hey Mr. Harris.

XANDER  
(filtered)  
Why aren't you using my call sign?

LIV  
I don't know. What are Moose and Squirrel  
supposed to symbolize?

XANDER  
(filtered)  
You never watched cartoons as a kid did you?

LIV  
I preferred reading the encyclopedia.

INT. XANDER'S FIREHOUSE - MAIN ROOM

Xander is sitting back on the couch holding a similar PDA  
device. The big book from the council is sitting in front of  
him. He shakes his head at Liv's last comment.

XANDER  
(Sighs)  
I have so much to teach you.  
(picks up book and starts paging through  
it.)  
You didn't check in, so I got worried.  
Everything, okay?

LIV  
(filtered)  
Everything's fine. It's just a bunch of kids  
from my high school having a party.

Suddenly Xander drops the PDA and grabs his head.

EXT. CAPE KENNETH CEMETERY -- XANDER'S VISION

It's blurry but we can see: the mauseoleoum, people running  
around screaming and vampires running around with big sharp  
pointy teeth.

INT. XANDER'S FIREHOUSE - MAIN ROOM

LIV  
(filtered)  
Mr. Harris? Mr. Harris?  
(beat)  
I mean.. "Moose"? Are you there?

Xander recovers and picks up he PDA

XANDER  
Get them out of there.

EXT. CAPE KENNETH CEMETERY -- MAUSEOLEOUM

LIV  
What?

XANDER  
(filtered)  
I just had a premonition. Get everyone out  
of there as soon as possible.

Liv starts running back to the party.

LIV  
What is it?

XANDER  
(filtered)  
Vampires.

Liv closes the PDA and runs up to Jordy and Maya who are  
chatting amicably.

LIV  
Get out now.

MAYA  
What?

LIV  
Go. Trouble.

JORDY  
(pointing off screen)  
But we're going to miss the traditional  
territory fight.

ANGLE ON: Brad and his entourage facing off against another  
group of "Thugs". Brad is trying to be a bad ass.

BRAD  
Sorry dorks! This place is ours tonight.

LEAD THUG  
Oh really? It's our place almost every  
night.

BRAD  
Oh yeah? What are you going to about it?

ANGLE ON: Liv, Maya and Jordy.

LIV  
Run. Now.

MAYA  
Liv...?

LIV  
GO!

Jordy and Maya start off. Liv turns back to the party.

LIV  
POLICE!! THE POLICE ARE HERE!!

ANGLE ON: The party in general. All the kids start freaking out  
and running except for Brad and a couple of his buddies from  
his entourage and of course... The thugs.

LEAD THUG  
(laughing)  
I love it when they run.

BRAD  
Who's running?

The "thugs" all vamp out and get the bumpy faces we all love to  
see. Some of the vampires break off from the group and start  
chasing the party goers. The Lead Thug smiles and bares his  
pointy teeth.

LEAD THUG  
You should be.

Brad eyes bug out. The Lead thug bashes Brad who flies back and  
hits a tombstone, knocking him out. Liv flies in and hits the  
Lead Thug with a two punch combo, grabs his arm and tosses him  
into the mauseoloum wall. The lead thug recovers and barks  
orders to his crew.

LEAD THUG  
Get the girl!

Two of the thug vampires nod and run off. The other three  
surround Liv.

LEAD THUG  
Well, look who we have here. I was told  
there was a baby slayer running around town.  
I didn't think I'd get a chance to...

LIV throws a stake into the Lead Thug's chest, dusting him  
before he can finish.

LIV  
Sorry. No time for chit-chat.

The three vampires rush her at the same time. Liv grabs one and  
does a judo toss into the other two vampires. She stakes and  
dusts one. blocks a kick from the second and stakes the third.  
The final vampire hits her three time and knocks her against  
the mauseoloum wall. Liv recovers, pulls her battle axe off her  
back and decapitates the final vampire as it charges in for the  
kill. Liv looks around and sees Brad and others who have been  
wounded, but all the other vampires have cleared out. Liv pulls  
out her PDA.

LIV  
Mr. Harris? Can you get a couple of  
ambulances out to the mauseoloum?

EXT. CAPE KENNETH CEMETERY - ELSEWHERE

Jordy and Maya have gotten away. They stop to catch their  
breath.

JORDY  
What was... What happened back there?

MAYA  
You heard Liv. Cops were breaking up the  
party.

Jordy smiles and shakes his head.

JORDY  
I don't buy it. What's going on around here  
Maya?

Maya looks at Jordy. For some reason... she trusts him.

MAYA  
Okay. Um... This is going to sound crazy  
but... Liv is a vampire slayer chosen to  
defend us against the forces of evil.

Jordy looks at Maya with a confused expression and then bursts  
out laughing.

JORDY  
Fine... don't tell me.

VOICE(OS)  
Listen to your little lady friend...

Jordy turns his head to see:

ANGLE ON: The two vampires who ran off on the Lead Thug's  
orders.

VAMPIRE  
She's completely right.

The last thing we see is the vampire's fist as it comes towards  
Jordy's face.

GO TO BLACK

END ACT I

ACT II

INT. CAPE KENNETH MEMORIAL HOSPITAL - ER

It's pandemonium as doctors, nurses and techs rush around and  
take care of the injured party go-ers.

Lucy is taking care of Vanessa and is in the process of putting  
a bandage on her head.

VANESSA  
Do I have to have bandage on my head? It's  
so ugly.

LUCY  
You're right. How about I shave your head  
and give you stitches?

Vanessa goes pale at the thought.

LUCY  
I thought so. You're good to go.

VANESSA  
I'd feel better if I had an MRI.

LUCY  
I don't think you have enough in there to  
get damaged.

Vanessa walks off in a huff.

LUCY  
Thank you! Come again!

LIV(OS)  
(sotto)  
Mom!

Lucy turns to see Liv hanging just outside the hospital door.  
She walks over to her daughter.

LUCY  
Hey. You all right?

LIV  
I'm fine.

LUCY  
You just missed a bunch of your classmates  
coming through. Sounds like there was quite  
a fight.

LIV  
There was.

LUCY  
Vampires?  
(Liv nods.)  
Huh.

LIV  
What?

LUCY  
Usually we see some kind of  
(makes quote marks with her hands)  
"neck rupture" when that happens.

LIV  
No one got bitten?  
(Lucy shakes her head)  
Weird. You haven't seen Maya have you?

LUCY  
No.

LIV  
(relieved)  
Good. She got out. How's Brad?

Sirens are heard in the background.

LUCY  
Drunk. Unconscious. Concussion. He's staying  
overnight. He and the rest of the trust fund  
babies will be fine.

LIV  
Good.

LUCY  
Better move out of the way, there's an  
ambulance coming in.

Two paramedics jump out of the ambulance and pull a gurney out  
containing a very pummeled Jordy.

LIV  
Jordy!

LUCY  
What happened?

PARAMEDIC  
Found him in the cemetery not to far away  
from the party. Kid was delirious and had to  
sedate him. Claimed his girlfriend was  
kidnapped by vampires.

The paramedics rush him into the hospital.

LIV  
Oh my god.

LUCY  
What?

LIV  
They got Maya.

INT. XANDER'S FIREHOUSE - MAIN ROOM  
Xander is talking on the PDA with Liv.

XANDER  
Okay, Liv... you need to calm down.

LIV  
(filtered)  
Don't you understand?! They've got Maya!!

XANDER  
I understand, but we've got to keep a cool  
head about this.

LIV  
(filtered)  
Did you have a vision? Do you know where she  
is?

XANDER  
I saw her. She's safe for the moment.

LIV  
(filtered)  
Where is she?

XANDER  
I don't know. What I saw could be any creepy  
place in Cape Kenneth, but I did see who  
took her.

LIV  
(filtered)  
Who?

XANDER  
Based on the descriptions you and Dawn gave,  
it's that visine guy.

LIV  
(filtered)  
The Vizier?

XANDER  
That's the one. It also explains why the  
vampires didn't feed. They were probably  
working for him.

EXT. CAPE KENNETH MEMORIAL HOSPITAL

Liv is pacing outside of the ER entrance.

LIV  
Aw, crap. How am I supposed to track him  
down?

XANDER  
(filtered)  
Well... I know a guy who might be able to  
tell us where. I'll set up a face to face  
meeting with you.

EXT. ALLEY OUTSIDE THE DOUBLEMEAT PALACE

Liv stands at the corner. A tall demonic figure looms behind  
her.

DEMON  
Are you the new slayer?

Liv turns and immediately goes on the attack

DEMON  
Wait!

Liv punches the demon three times and tosses him against the  
dumpster.

DEMON  
Wait! Don't hurt me!

Liv pulls out her axe and moves in for the kill.

DEMON  
Xander sent me!

Liv stops the axe in mid swing.

LIV  
What's the password?

The demon moves forward into the light and we finally see who  
it is.

CLEM  
"Want to see me pull a rabbit out of my  
hat?"

LIV  
Oh. Sorry. You must be Clem

CLEM  
It's okay. Demon. Alley. Middle of the  
night. What's a slayer supposed to think?

Liv smiles and helps him up.

LIV  
That's very nice of you to say.

CLEM  
Well I'm a pretty nice guy.

LIV  
Mr. Harris said you had some information for  
me?

CLEM  
Did he mention my fee?

LIV  
Fee?

INT. DOUBLEMEAT PALACE

Liv is giving an order to a very bored register person.

LIV  
I'll have two medley meals, with extra  
pickles... uh double size it. Two classic  
double decker meals, extra pickles, hold the  
sauce. A fisherman's medley with bacon.  
Three cherry pies and a diet coke.

REGISTER PERSON  
You're going to eat all that?

LIV  
Uh... Yeah. I have a tapeworm.

The register person gives her a glassy eye stare and shrugs.

EXT. ALLEY OUTSIDE THE DOUBLEMEAT PALACE

Liv walks around the corner and hands a very large bag to Clem.

LIV  
Here you go.

CLEM  
Thanks. They won't let me in the store  
anymore.

LIV  
You're kidding!

CLEM  
It's all about appearances.

LIV  
Well the customer should always be right.

CLEM  
Thanks. Now here's what I know. Scuttlebutt  
on the street is that the Vizier has been  
gunning for you ever since you destroyed his  
sanctum.

LIV  
I gathered that.

CLEM  
His powers are greatly reduced now that  
you've destroyed that orb thingy, but he's  
still a bad person to tangle with. Last  
night when I was at a poker game, one of the  
vampires was telling me that the Vizier was  
hiring a squad to take down you and your  
friends and family.

LIV  
Look, he already has my best friend captive.  
Do you have any idea where he is?

CLEM  
The vampire said he was meeting with him in  
one of the salt mines on the North side of  
town.

LIV  
Thanks, Clem.

CLEM  
Hey... Listen. This Vizier guy is bad news,  
but he's not working alone. He usually sells  
his services either for additional power  
or... well a little girl doesn't need to  
know that. Whoever he's working for... they  
probably have an agenda. And it's not for  
the betterment of mankind.

Liv takes this all in with a deep sigh.

CLEM  
Anyhow. Thanks for the food.

LIV  
G'night Clem.

 

Liv heads off into the night.

INT. VIZIER'S HIDEOUT

The two vampires bring Maya into the room bound and gagged. The  
Vizier limps out of the shadows and smiles.

VIZIER  
Excellent.

VAMPIRE  
All right. We brought her. Where's our  
reward?

VIZIER  
Reward? Oh that's right...

The Vizier flicks his hands and sends out two fireballs at the  
vampires who burst into flame. Maya screams through her gag.

The Vizier laughs.

VIZIER  
Hello my dear. Allow me to introduce  
myself. I am the Vizier. Counselor of Sacul.  
Former guardian of the Orb of Greblieps. Do  
you know why I say "former guardian"?

Maya says something but is muffled by the gag.

VIZIER  
That's because your little slayer friend  
destroyed it. She destroyed the one artifact  
that took centuries for me to "secure" and  
use. She also destroyed my plans to use the  
Key and sullied my reputation with the  
Consul all in one fell swoop. Of course, the  
dagger in the foot so that I always walk  
with a limp is just icing on the cake. So...  
Just in case you are wondering why you are  
here...

The Vizier gets up close to Maya's face.

VIZIER  
(menacing)  
It's payback time.

Maya whimpers. The Vizier does the whole evil maniacal laughing  
thing.

END ACT II

ACT III

INT. CAPE KENNETH MEMORIAL HOSPITAL - ER WAITING ROOM  
Lucy walks into the waiting room and spots Xander going through  
the large book from the council.

LUCY  
Hey you.

XANDER  
Hey yourself.

Lucy takes a seat next to him.

LUCY  
What brings you down here?

XANDER  
You.

LUCY  
You here to protect me from the things that  
go bump in the night?

XANDER  
That and to get away from a very annoying  
puppet.

LUCY  
Liv's pretty freaked out over Maya being  
kidnapped.

XANDER  
I know. I understand now why Giles never  
wanted me around during a mission.

LUCY  
He didn't like the idea of you being in  
danger?

XANDER  
That and I annoyed the living crap out of  
him.  
(Lucy laughs)  
Seriously, I never thought about my own  
safety when I was a kid. Now it's everyone  
else's safety I'm worried about. Liv's.  
Maya's. Yours.

LUCY  
Ahh... the irony.

XANDER  
I'm just chock full of it.

LUCY  
What's the book about?

XANDER  
Wizards and demons. It's magically  
delicious. I can barely keep my eyes open.

LUCY  
You're awfully quippy tonight.

XANDER  
It's the only thing keeping me from grabbing  
a bunch of weapons and jumping into the  
fray.

LUCY  
Why is it so important to be fray adjacent?

XANDER  
Liv needs to know she can do these things on  
her own without having me as a safety net.

LUCY  
Even tonight? With a bad guy on the loose  
and her friend in danger?

XANDER  
Especially tonight. Because there's always  
going to be a bad guy. And usually someone  
important to her in danger.

Lucy leans her head on Xander's shoulder.

LUCY  
I'm kind of missing the days when my biggest  
worry about Liv was whether or not someone  
would ask her out to the school dance.

Xander puts his arm around Lucy.

XANDER  
How about I worry about all the dangers of  
Liv being a slayer and you just worry about  
her being a normal girl?

LUCY  
Can't. Parental prerogative.

Lucy sighs and snuggles up to Xander. Xander stares off into  
space.

INT. VIZIER'S HIDEOUT

Maya and the Vizier sit in the hideout. Maya is still bound and  
gagged while the Vizier looks mostly... bored. Maya tries to  
say something through her gag.

VIZIER  
If you think I'm going to take your gag off,  
you've got another thing coming.

Maya mutters something else under the gag. The Vizier turns his  
back on her and begins to walk around the room.

VIZIER  
Why? Because I've been watching you and the  
slayer for a couple of weeks now and I  
really don't like people who shoot their  
mouth off. If there's one thing I can't  
stand it's a smart ass with a big mouth. You  
should really change your attitude. It's  
rude and impolite.

LIV(OS)  
Oh. Sure. You just prefer to kidnap the people I care  
about and make my life a living hell. That's not rude  
in the least.

The Vizier turns to see Liv standing in Maya's place and Maya  
beating a hasty exit.

VIZIER  
(greeting Liv)  
Slayer...

LIV  
(greeting Vizier)  
Jackass...

VIZIER  
How'd you get past my guards?

LIV  
Killed them.

VIZIER  
Well, I've obviously underestimated you  
slayer. But now that you're here I shall...

A wooden stake flies through the air and embeds itself into the  
Vizier's shoulder. The Vizier cries out in pain. Liv rushes in  
and starts a punch-fest on the Vizier.

LIV  
What is it...  
(punch)  
about you bad guys...  
(punch)  
that makes you...  
(punch)  
talk so much?  
(kick)  
Is it the sound  
(punch)  
of your own voice?  
(punch)  
Because I find it  
(punch)  
rather grating!

The Vizier falls to the ground. He pulls the stake out of his  
shoulder

VIZIER  
Oh I see. So were doing it this way now are  
we?

The Vizier flicks his wrists and shoots out a couple of fireballs. Liv dodges them, but moves out of punching/kicking range. The Vizier tosses an energy bolt and Liv takes cover behind a handy rock.

LIV  
Oh crap.

ANGLE ON: The Vizier

VIZIER  
What's the matter slayer? Can't stand the  
mighty power of...

Another stake flies through he air, this time embedding itself  
in the Vizier's eye. Liv rushes in and starts punching the  
daylights out of the Vizier.

LIV  
There  
(punch)  
you go...  
(punch)  
With that talk-  
(punch)  
-ing thing  
(punch)  
again.

Liv pulls the stake out of the Vizier's eye and stabs him in  
the other shoulder. The Vizier screams. Before Liv can throw  
another punch, the Vizier blasts her with an energy bolt  
sending Liv across the room and on her butt. The Vizier cackles

VIZIER  
That's the last time you'll ever touch me  
Slay...

A hand holding a giant rock smashes in the Vizier's head from  
behind. The Vizier falls to the ground and looks up to see

ANGLE ON: Maya standing over the Vizier, a giant rock in her hand.

MAYA  
Score one for the "Smart ass".

ANGLE ON: The Vizier as a small military boot steps on his  
throat choking him. Liv leans in toward his face.

LIV  
This time... I'm just going to kill you.

VIZIER  
(choking)  
Glargh.

Liv pulls out her battle axe from her holster. Leans back for a  
killing blow. The Vizier's good eye widens as the axe starts  
coming down.

But of course... Someone else has other plans.

The Vizier's body starts to shimmer and fade away.

VIZIER  
NOOOOO!!!

When the axe handle lands, it hits nothing but dirt.

LIV  
CRAP! Damn it! Damn it! DAMN IT!

MAYA  
Where'd he go?!

LIV  
Damn! Damn! DAMN! Jesus Freakin' Christ. He  
did it again!

MAYA  
How many Hail Mary's you planning on saying  
this weekend?

LIV  
(sighs)  
You okay?

MAYA  
I'm fine.

Liv starts to sniffle and hugs Maya tightly.

LIV  
I'm so sorry.

MAYA  
It's okay. I'm fine.

LIV  
I should have been there for you. I don't  
know what I would have...

MAYA  
Hey. Cut the maudlin crap. You saved my butt  
and kicked some major ass.

LIV  
But I... You saved me too.

MAYA  
Jackass had it coming. Big mouth. Ha! C'mon.  
Let's go home.

END ACT III

ACT IV

EXT. ST. BUFALARI'S SCHOOL

MAYA(VO)  
Worm!

INT. ST. BUFALARI'S SCHOOL - HALLWAY

Maya runs and catches up with Liv who is walking to class.

LIV  
Hey Airhead.

MAYA  
Did you finish the report?

LIV  
Yep, and with time to spare for two more  
patrols... solo.

MAYA  
Wow, look at you. Star slayer and student.

LIV  
I'm an inspiration to all. Mr. Harris has a  
"special" training session for me tonight.  
Want to come?

MAYA  
Not tonight. I thought I'd pay a visit to  
the sick and bed-ridden.

LIV  
You're so noble.

MAYA  
A girl has to be these days.

INT. CAPE KENNETH MEMORIAL HOSPITAL - PRIVATE ROOM

Jordy lies in bed trying to find something to watch on hospital  
tv. His face is pretty bruised and cut up and his leg is in  
traction.

MAYA(OS)  
Hey slacker.

Jordy looks up and smiles as MAYA walks into the room.

JORDY  
Hey. What brings the beauty queen of St.  
Bufalari to the land of inedible food and  
clothes with no rear coverage?

MAYA  
I thought I'd come by and thank the guy who  
tried to save me from a couple of monsters.

JORDY  
Is he around?

MAYA  
Duh. Right in front of me.

JORDY  
Nah. That wasn't me. I was just the punching  
bag they had to get around to get to you.

MAYA  
Still, you put yourself in front of me.

JORDY  
You would've been better off with Liv.

MAYA  
She had other things to worry about.

JORDY  
Can I ask you a question?

MAYA  
Sure.

JORDY  
How did the two of you...

MAYA  
Become such good friends?

JORDY  
Yeah.

Maya starts going through her purse.

MAYA  
Back in the third grade, I had some wicked  
cool hair.

Jordy laughs.

MAYA  
What?

JORDY  
Sorry. Continue.

MAYA  
So anyway, my older sister thought it would  
be funny to switch out my shampoo with Nair.

JORDY  
Ouch.

MAYA  
Yep. Total cue ball. I just knew that when I  
went to school the next Monday that I'd  
never hear the end of it.

Maya pulls out an old photo from her purse and hands it to  
Jordy. Jordy looks at it and laughs.

JORDY  
Who's the other girl?

INSERT: Picture of two third grade girls with bald heads. One  
with glasses. Both are hugging each other and smiling for the  
camera.

MAYA  
Liv. She was my next door neighbor back  
then, and we were friends. You know...  
Neighborhood friends. Play with barbies,  
hide and seek, that kind of stuff.  
(takes picture back)  
But she saw how upset I was about my hair.  
So when I showed up for class Monday morning,  
she had shaved her head too, just so I  
wouldn't go through it alone.

JORDY  
Wow.

MAYA  
I never forgot that. So even when the hair  
grew back and somehow she got classified as  
a nerd and I got this whole "beauty queen"  
label, we've always stood by each other.

JORDY  
Man. Other than maybe my cousin, I don't know  
anybody who would've done something like  
that for me.

MAYA  
You do now.

Maya leans over and kisses him on the cheek.

MAYA  
Thanks for standing up for me Friday night.

JORDY  
Sure.

Maya smiles and walks out of the room. Jordy watches her go  
with a look of amazement.

INT. CONSUL SANCTUM  
The three red-cloaked figures walk around the triangle. In the  
middle is the Vizier, who is showing signs of having been  
tortured.

CONSUL #1  
We told you not to interfere with our plans  
for the slayer.

VIZIER  
She destroyed my sanctum! She robbed me of  
valuable resources!

CONSUL #2  
The main component of our plan ended up in  
the hospital. If he had been harmed in any  
way...

VIZIER  
How was I supposed to know he was going to  
be your champion? He was just a kid who got  
in the way!

CONSUL #3  
Your desire for vengeance has interfered  
with our plans for the last time.

VIZIER  
No! Give me another chance.

CONSUL #1  
Unfortunately we still have need of your  
abilities.

CONSUL #2  
From now on, you will be on a very short  
leash.

CONSUL #3  
You were a fool to underestimate the slayer  
and her watcher. We will not make the same  
mistake. As a result of your previous folly,  
the watcher has received a report that will  
no doubt lead him and the slayer to us. He  
is already preparing his Slayer for the  
battle that is coming.

EXT. XANDER'S FIREHOUSE -- EVENING

CONSUL #3(VO)  
We must not let these setbacks affect our  
agenda.

INT. XANDER'S FIREHOUSE - MAIN ROOM

Xander and Lucy are watching TV, laughing their asses off. Liv  
watches both the TV and the adults with a look of confusion and  
bemusement.

ROCKY (OS)  
Bullwinkle, this ship is covered in rubies  
and look what's written on the side! O-Mar  
Khay-yam. Bullwinkle, do you know what this  
is?

BULLWINKLE(OS)  
Well, if you're waiting on me to say it, I  
won't.

Lucy is laughing so hard she begins to snort.

LIV  
Oh boy. Here she goes.

Lucy snorts again. Xander is laughing even harder now.

ROCKY (OS)  
OK, then this must be "The Ruby Yacht of  
Omar Khayyam".

Lucy snorts again and Xander can barely breathe from laughing  
so hard. As they continue to laugh...

PAN TO: The large book from the Watcher's council sitting on a  
table next to Xander.

FADE TO BLACK

END ACT IV


	7. Hair of the Dog

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When a friend of the Slayer's gets kidnapped by supernatural means, Xander's investigation leads him down a familiar path... to Oz.

TEASER

EXT. CAPE KENNETH MEMORIAL HOSPITAL

WOMAN'S VOICE  
You ungrateful bastard! How could you?

INT. CAPE KENNETH MEMORIAL HOSPITAL - JORDY'S ROOM

Jordy is recovering from his injuries in the last episode. His  
bruises are healing, but he is still in traction because of his  
broken leg.

Jordy's grandmother, NANA, is reading him the riot act. She's a  
harsh unforgiving woman.

JORDY  
Nana I..

Apparently, Nana isn't hearing any of it because she smacks him  
across the face. Hard.

NANA  
I've had enough lip from you, boy! I've  
given you a home when no one else will take  
you. When everyone else has thrown you out!  
This is how you repay the favor? And to top  
it off I find this...

Nana reaches into her handbag and pulls out a large plastic bag  
filled with dried leaves resembling... well you can guess...  
and throws it at her grandson.

NANA  
...hidden in your room.

JORDY  
It's not what you think.

Nana smacks him again. Really hard.

NANA  
Do you think I'm an idiot? Do you think I  
don't know what's going on?

JORDY  
It's medicine.

NANA  
What? Do you have glaucoma? Are you making  
lasagna and you needed fresh oregano?

JORDY  
Nana...

NANA  
Don't even start with me. You break my rules  
by breaking curfew and your grounding. You  
get in a fight and land in the hospital,  
costing me money! And now you're on drugs?!!  
Drugs!!

JORDY  
They're not drugs.

Nana gives Jordy an evil glare. Then she spits on him.

NANA  
This is your mother's doing. That wench.  
That whore. If it wasn't for her my Ken  
could have raised you right. Instead I have  
a deviant hop head for a grandson.

Jordy calmly wipes the spit from his face.

NANA  
But not any more.

Nana grabs the bag and storms to the door. Jordy remains freaky  
calm and somewhat sad.

JORDY  
Love you too, grandma.

Nana doesn't hear him as she storms out the door and right by  
Liv and Maya who apparently have heard everything. Liv carries  
her backpack.

JORDY  
Hi.

MAYA  
Hi. Sorry we...

JORDY  
(sad smile)  
You just missed my grandmother.

LIV  
Do you want us to come back later?

JORDY  
No I... I could use the company.

MAYA  
That was pretty intense.

Jordy gives that sad smile again and cocks an eyebrow.

JORDY  
That was a good day for her

All three share an awkward moment.

MAYA  
So obviously we're doing a good job of  
coming by and cheering you up.

JORDY  
Well, following Nana Framkin is always  
tough. Johnny Carson had her close the show  
because no one could follow her.

The girls laugh quietly.

MAYA  
Want to hear something funny?

JORDY  
Sure.

MAYA  
Liv brought your school books and a list of  
homework assignments for you.

Jordy laughs and Maya joins in.

JORDY  
(wipes a tear from his eye)  
Thanks Liv. I needed that.

LIV  
I'm so glad I could amuse you both.  
Especially with finals coming up next week.

JORDY  
Next week?  
(Liv nods)  
Huh. What... What's today's date?

LIV  
The sixteenth.

JORDY  
(troubled)  
Oh.

MAYA  
Something wrong?

JORDY  
Just forgot how long I've been in here. That  
and the pain medication is kicking in.

MAYA  
Well, we'll come back another time then.

JORDY  
Sure. Please do.

LIV  
See, ya

JORDY  
Bye.

INT. HOSPITAL HALLWAY

Maya and Liv exit the room and start walking away.

MAYA  
Well that wasn't awkward in the least.

Liv seems to be on another planet.

MAYA  
What's wrong with you?

LIV  
I don't know Maya...

MAYA  
What?

LIV  
I know he tried to protect you but... I  
don't think he's someone we should be  
hanging out with.

MAYA  
Look, you're freaking over nothing.

LIV  
You saw that bag...

MAYA  
And he said it wasn't drugs.

LIV  
How do you know?

MAYA  
Look, I admit I don't know everything about  
the guy. But I know I can trust him. And if  
he said it wasn't drugs... It wasn't drugs.

INT. JORDY'S HOSPITAL ROOM

Jordy is frantically looking through his backpack. Not finding  
what he is looking for, he sighs with frustration and starts  
pulling his hair. He then pulls out a black book, finds an  
entry, picks up the phone and dials. He waits and...

JORDY  
Dan? It's your cousin Jordy. Listen, I've  
run into a problem. Nana found my stash and  
I need a fix. Give me a call as soon as you  
get this. I'm at Cape Kenneth Memorial  
hospital, room 303. I've got two days  
before it hits the fan. Don't let me down,  
man.

Jordy hangs up the phone and fidgets nervously.

INT. JORDY'S HOSPITAL ROOM - THE NEXT DAY

Jordy is even more fidgety. He's in bed holding some sort of  
charm and chanting

JORDY  
Skur ba 'debs pa ka spyang  
Kun 'byung chos bzod ka rkang gnyis  
Bkog pa ka spyang  
Kun 'byung chos bzod ka rkang gnyis

He repeats the lines over and over. A nurse and a doctor watch  
from the door.

NURSE  
(concerned)  
He's been doing that for three hours  
straight.

DOCTOR  
He's says he's in no pain.

NURSE  
Should we order a psych eval?

DOCTOR  
For praying? I don't think so. Probably just  
some weird religion. Just to be safe, put  
him through a drug screen.

INT. JORDY'S HOSPITAL ROOM - THE NEXT DAY

Jordy is punching the nurse call button like a maniac. He is  
frantic. Out of control. He furiously scratches his head.

NURSE  
What's the problem?

JORDY  
I need you to put me out!

NURSE  
What?

JORDY  
Tranquilize me. Totally put me under.

NURSE  
I'm afraid I can't do that.

JORDY  
You have to do it! It's coming for me!

NURSE  
What's coming for you?

Jordy grabs the nurse's arm and pulls her toward her.

JORDY  
(screaming)  
It's going to take me!! Don't let it take  
me!!

NURSE  
Let go of me!

JORDY  
(screaming)  
Don't let it take me!!

The nurse pulls her arm away and runs out of the room.

INT. HOSPITAL HALLWAY

The nurse runs to the nurses station and picks up a phone. The  
station nurse looks up at her as...

JORDY(OS)  
(screaming)  
Don't let it take me!!

NURSE  
(into phone)  
Code yellow in room 303. Code yellow. Room  
303.

Jordy begins to scream incoherently.

STATION NURSE  
What's happening?

NURSE  
The guy is flipping out. He was demanding  
that I tranquilize him and kept saying that  
something was out to...

A loud ROAR is heard from Jordy's room. The two nurses give  
each other a wary look. More snarls and roars are heard as  
they slowly approach the door. Before they can peer in, we hear  
violent noises and glass breaking. When the nurses finally look  
in...

INT. JORDY'S HOSPITAL ROOM

The room is trashed. Jordy is nowhere to be seen and his window  
is broken. The nurses run and look out the window.

EXT. JORDY'S HOSPITAL WINDOW

It's at least 15 stories up. Jordy is nowhere to be seen.

NURSE  
What the F....

And before an FCC violation can be broken we...

END TEASER

ACT I

EXT. BANYAN CONSTRUCTION - DAY

XANDER(VO)  
Banyan Construction. This is Xander, how can  
I help you?

INT. XANDER'S OFFICE

Xander is doing the work thing. Looking at plans while talking  
on the phone, drinking coffee. A secretary-type person walks in  
and hands Xander some paperwork for him to sign.

LUCY  
Gee Sparky, you sound so professional.

XANDER  
(signing paperwork)  
Professional? Sounds like I should be out on  
the corner selling my goods.

The secretary gives Xander a strange look.

XANDER  
(to secretary, covers phone with hand.)  
You know. Like a lemonade stand?

Secretary takes the signed paperwork, rolls her eyes and walks  
out of the room.

LUCY  
Hey listen. Something weird happened here  
last night that I think might be up your  
alley.

XANDER  
Is this the "I-read-way-too-much- comicbooks-  
as-a-kid-weird" or the "Stake-'em-  
through-the-heart-and- watch-them-explodeto-  
dust-weird".

Xander looks up to see the secretary standing at the door with  
more paperwork and strange look on her face. Xander smiles  
weakly at her. She turns around and runs away.

LUCY  
Definitely the second one. A friend of Liv's  
was in the hospital with a broken leg. He  
started acting funny a couple of days ago  
and last night something broke into his room  
and took him.

XANDER  
Define acting "funny".

LUCY  
Well the nurse's report mentioned him  
chanting in some weird language for about  
eight hours straight. Then last night he  
started screaming that something was out to  
get him and...

XANDER  
Something got him. Are you sure that he  
wasn't on drugs or something?

LUCY  
That's what I thought at first. Liv  
mentioned an altercation with him and his  
grandmother a couple of days ago. Apparently  
she found a bag of "something" and was  
giving him hell about it. But here's the  
strange part. They ran a drug screen on him  
yesterday and it came back clean.

XANDER  
Hence the weirdness. You sure this guy just  
didn't walk out of there?

LUCY  
I doubt it.

XANDER  
Why?

LUCY  
Well "A", He was in traction.

XANDER  
Okay and "B"?

LUCY  
The nurses didn't see him walk or be carried  
out the door.

XANDER  
Maybe he jumped out the window?

LUCY  
From the fifteenth floor?

XANDER  
Yep. That's my kind of weirdness. What's  
this kid's name?

LUCY  
Jordan Framkin.

XANDER  
Huh.

LUCY  
What?

Xander stares thoughtfully out his office door at a guy  
distributing mail from a cart.

XANDER  
Just getting some kind of deja vu-ish  
feelings here.  
(shakes his head)  
I've got a site visit for the municipal  
building later this afternoon. If I swing  
by afterwards, can you get me in the room?

LUCY  
In like Flynn, baby.

XANDER  
That's my girl.

EXT. SAINT BUFALARI'S SCHOOL

MAYA(VO)  
So what do you know?

INT. SAINT BUFALARI'S - HALLWAY

LIV  
Not much. Mom said she'd have Mr. Harris  
come down and take a look.

MAYA  
Major weirdness. I hope he's okay.

LIV  
I don't know Maya. There's something really  
strange about that guy.

MAYA  
You mean like hanging out with vampires and  
demons?

LIV  
I slay vampires and demons. I hang out with  
a puppet and a one-eyed man.

A nun and several students give Liv a strange look. Liv grabs  
Maya and rushes her along through doors onto...

EXT. SAINT BUFALARI - CAMPUS

LIV  
We SO need to find a euphenism for when we  
talk about this in public.

MAYA  
Look, Jordy had the chance to bail, but he  
stood up for me. He may be a freak, but he's  
our kind of freak.

Liv mutters something under her breath.

MAYA  
What?

LIV  
I just... I just don't want him to be the  
kind of freak I have to.. take out.

They both stop and look at each other as that thought sinks in.

MAYA  
You'd do that?

LIV  
I don't know.

INT. SAINT BUFALARI'S - HALLWAY  
The camera is from a certain individual's POV as he or she sees  
and passes by BRAD and his entourage.

BRAD  
Hey. You're the freak that crashed my party!  
We pass by Brad and head to a certain locker.

ANGLE ON:  
Brad as he steps forward, grabs a strange looking individual  
and slams him into a locker.

BRAD  
Look freak, you may think you're all that,  
but we're not buying it.

We finally get a good look at the freak and it's Jordy. Yes.  
He's standing and walking. He's dressed oddly in clothes that  
don't fit him. Instead of his easy-going deamenor he is quiet  
and on the edge.

BRAD  
What's a matter freak? Cat got your tounge?

Jordy glares at Brad and tries to walk past him. Brad throws  
him against the locker again. Jordy snarls. His features become  
almost feral Brad and the gang laughs at him.

BRAD  
Ooooo! Tough guy, huh? Well are you going to  
bark all day little doggie?

Brad pushes Jordy up against the locker wall.

BRAD  
Or are you going to bite?

A/N: All due apologies to Quentin Tarantino

For a brief second, we see Jordy bare his teeth and we...

CUT TO:

EXT. SAINT BUFALARI'S - CAMPUS

Liv and Maya are in a heated discussion.

MAYA  
Are you telling me that...

Screams, shouts, animal-like sounds and general violent noises  
emerge from the school. Liv and Maya look at each other for a  
brief second and charge back into hallway to find...

INT. SAINT BUFALARI'S - HALLWAY

Jordy, totally out of control and surrounded by the unconscious  
members of Brad's entourage. Jordy is holding an unconscious  
Brad up in the air by his throat.

MAYA  
Jordy!

Jordy looks at Maya snarls. He throws Brad against the wall  
with (of course) super-strength. Without skipping a beat, he's  
runs past Maya and Liv and out the door. Maya and Liv share a  
look for just a second, then Liv drops her books and is on the  
run after Jordy.

Maya looks around to see:

ANGLE ON: Jordy's Locker. It's been torn to shreds.

EXT. SAINT BUFALARI'S CAMPUS  
Liv runs out of the school into the middle of the quad. She  
looks around.... Jordy is nowhere to be seen.

LIV  
Aw crap.

END ACT I

ACT II

INT. JORDY'S HOSPITAL ROOM

Xander and Lucy duck under the police tape at the door and look  
around the room. The room is completely trashed. Xander lets go  
with a long slow whistle of amazement.

LUCY  
You're telling me, bud.

XANDER  
Did the police find anything?

LUCY  
They took away his personal effects and they  
did that whole CSI finger-printy-swabby  
thing. Do you know what you're looking for?

XANDER  
Haven't a clue.

LUCY  
Then what do you expect...

Xander touches the bed and...

INT. JORDY'S HOSPITAL ROOM - VISION

A blurry vision of Jordy chanting fervently, a charm held  
tightly in his hand.

INT. JORDY'S HOSPITAL ROOM - NORMAL

Xander grabs the bed to brace himself. Lucy grabs on to Xander  
to keep him from falling over.

XANDER

 

LUCY  
What happened?

XANDER  
Saw the kid doing the chanty thing.

LUCY  
Like a sea-shanty?

XANDER  
No. Chanting. Why would he be doing a sea-shanty?

LUCY  
I don't know. This is way out of my normal  
frame of reference.

Xander spots something between the bed and end table. He picks  
it up and holds it in his hand.

XANDER  
Huh.

LUCY  
What is it?

XANDER  
Don't know. He was holding it when he was  
chanting though.

LUCY  
Okay, can't these visions of yours just  
like... lay everything out on the line so we  
don't have to do any guess work?

Xander walks over to the window, which is now boarded up.

XANDER  
Yeah, I wish it would work that way.  
Xander touches the window sill and...

INT. JORDY'S HOSPITAL ROOM - VISION

A blurry vision of fur, large teeth and the sound of glass  
breaking.

INT. JORDY'S HOSPITAL ROOM - NORMAL

Xander jumps back as if shocked.

LUCY  
Now what?

XANDER  
Do you have a wall calendar someplace?

LUCY  
At the nurses station. Why?

Xander dashes out of the room.

LUCY  
What?!

INT. NURSES STATION  
Xander pulls the calendar off the wall and checks it.

XANDER  
Yep. That's it.

LUCY  
What? What is it?

Xander's cell rings. He picks it up.

XANDER  
(answering)  
Harris. Liv? Hey... What? He did?

LUCY  
What did he do?

XANDER  
Did you get him?

LUCY  
Did she get him?

Xander shakes his head "no".

LUCY  
Who did she not get?

XANDER  
(on phone)  
It's okay. I know what's going on. Meet me  
at my place in fifteen minutes.

LUCY  
She's not skipping school.

LIV  
(screaming on the phone)  
I'm not skipping school!!

Xander holds the phone back from his ear wincing.

XANDER  
Fine. Meet me after school. Bye.

LUCY  
What's going on?

XANDER  
I know what happened to Jordy. C'mon.

LUCY  
Will you please tell me what the hell is  
going on here?

INT. XANDER'S FIREHOUSE - TRAINING ROOM

Liv, Maya, Lucy and Pongo are congregated around the room.

XANDER  
Jordy's a werewolf.

LIV  
Are you sure about that?

PONGO  
It is certain!

LIV  
I wasn't asking you.

XANDER  
Trust me, one of my best friends from high  
school was a werewolf. I know the signs.  
Irritability. Aggressive. Increased  
strength. Cattle mutilations...

LUCY  
But his leg was in traction...

XANDER  
Maybe during a full moon, the healing factor  
is increased considerably.

PONGO  
Signs point to yes.

MAYA  
But he practically wolfed out in the middle  
of the day at school.

XANDER  
My friend had that happened to him. He may  
be using a potion of certain herbs along  
with certain Tibetan chants to keep him from  
changing into a wolf. If he falls off the  
plan or is under extreme stress, he may not  
be able to control his changes.

Maya hits Liv on the shoulder.

MAYA  
That's what he was doing at school today.  
That wasn't drugs his grandmother was going  
ape over, it was the stuff he uses for the  
potion. His grandmother took his stash away  
and he was looking for some in his locker.

LIV  
I don't have to kill him do I?

PONGO  
Definitely Not.

Liv gives pongo a glare. Xander pulls out a handheld tranq gun  
and tosses it to her.

XANDER  
Just shoot him with one of these darts and  
he'll sleep for two hours.

LIV  
I've never used this before.

XANDER  
Try it out.

Liv takes aim at a target and pulls the trigger. Unfortunately  
the dart hits Pongo dead center in his body. Pongo goes nuts  
and starts running around like a maniac waving his arms.

XANDER  
Let's try it again.

LIV  
That's okay. I hit what I was aiming for.

Pongo stops and drops to the floor unconscious. Everyone looks  
down at Pongo.

LUCY  
You can tranquilize a puppet?

EXT. CAPE KENNETH - THE WOODS

It's night of course and the full moon is out. Liv and Xander  
are out on patrol, tranq guns out and at the ready.

XANDER  
Whatever you do, don't get bit.

LIV  
Thanks. Like I haven't heard that in the  
movies only a dozen times.

VOICE(OS)  
Then you know that the only thing that will  
kill it is silver bullets

ANGLE ON:  
CAIN, the werewolf hunter from Phases (BTVS Season 2, episode  
27) steps out of the forest.

CAIN  
Which only I seem to be using. Don't you  
kiddies know it's dangerous out here after  
dark?

XANDER  
I know who you are, and this is our  
business.

CAIN  
If you know who I am, then you know to stay  
out of my way.

In the distance, we hear a howl of the werewolf.

XANDER  
Go!

Liv takes off after the sound. Cain goes after her only to have  
Xander tackle him. Cain falls to the ground and jumps up to  
face Xander. He throws a punch, which Xander blocks. Xander  
returns the punch, only to have Cain grab his hand.

CAIN  
You sure you want to tangle with me, boy?

XANDER  
Not really.

Xander shoots him with the tranq gun. Cain is out like a light.

XANDER  
Say good-night, Gracie.

EXT. CAPE KENNETH - THE WOODS  
Liv charges through the woods and follows the howling until she  
trips over a log and the gun goes flying. She lands on her face  
knocking her sport goggles loose.

LIV  
Crap!

Liv repositions the goggles, stands up and is wiping off the  
dirt when she hears a low guttural growl coming right behind  
her. She turns and faces the werewolf.

LIV  
Oh shii...

The werewolf barks and jumps at Liv. Liv gives it a hearty kick  
and runs for her gun. The werewolf shakes off the kick and goes  
after her. Liv dives for her gun as the werewolf charges. She  
points the gun at the werewolf, pulls the trigger...

Ahh... darn it. It jams.

Just as the werewolf is about to pounce, a second roar is  
heard. The werewolf turns its head and is tackled by (yes...) a  
second werewolf. Liv stands in amazement as the two werewolves  
fight each other.

Clearing her head, she ejects the ammo clip, punches it back in  
and cocks the weapon and starts to take careful aim.

Just as the second werewolf clobbers the first with a  
resounding punch, Liv pulls the trigger and shoots two darts  
into the second werewolf. The first werewolf, damaged by the  
punch runs off yelping like a hurt dog. The second werewolf  
just stands and looks down at the darts in its chest.

ANGLE ON:  
Xander runs up to Liv out of breath.

XANDER  
Liv? What happened?

LIV  
There's two werewolves!

XANDER  
Two?

LIV  
(pointing)  
I got this one!

Xander looks up to see where she is pointing.

XANDER  
Holy Mary, keep on burning.

ANGLE ON:  
The second werewolf is no longer there. Instead there a naked  
Oz (From the waist up only. Get your mind out of the gutter)  
looking at the darts in his chest. He pulls the darts  
from his chest.

OZ  
Huh.

XANDER  
(confused)  
Oz?

OZ  
(dazed & confused)  
Xander?

LIV  
(also confused)  
Who's Oz?

Oz's eyes roll back in his head and he falls on his face.

GO TO BLACK

END ACT II

ACT III

BLACK SCREEN

LUCY  
Hello? Hello in there?

XANDER  
Oz? Oz? Wake up, buddy.

INT. XANDER'S FIREHOUSE - MAIN ROOM  
Oz is laying on the couch wrapped only in a blanket. He looks  
around and sees everybody for the first time. His response?

OZ  
Hey.

LUCY  
We just gave you a stimulant to counteract  
the tranquilizer. You feeling okay? Can I  
get you anything?

OZ  
Some pants would be nice.

LUCY  
I'll go see what I can find.

Lucy heads upstairs.

OZ  
So...

XANDER  
Been a while. How've you been?

OZ  
Good. You?

XANDER  
Pretty good. I'm a watcher now.

OZ  
Cool.

XANDER  
Over there's Liv, my slayer.

OZ  
We've met.

LIV  
Sorry for shooting you.

OZ  
It happens.

XANDER  
And that's Maya, her scooby sidekick.

MAYA  
I'm not a sidekick. And if I'm doing this  
whole slayer groupie-slash-support thing,  
we've got to come up with a better name.

PONGO  
Yes. Definitely.

Oz gives Pongo an appraising glance.

OZ  
Did that puppet just talk?

PONGO  
Signs point to yes.

XANDER  
Long story.

OZ  
Okay.

XANDER  
So what brings you to Cape Kenneth?

OZ  
My cousin Jordy. I believe you met him.

MAYA  
Wait... Jordy's your cousin?

OZ  
Yeah. He's the one who bit me and turned me  
into a werewolf.

XANDER  
Really? That was him?

OZ  
Yeah. Poor kid got bitten when he was two.  
The whole werewolf thing really tore his  
family apart. When Aunt Maureen died, Uncle  
Ken kind of flipped out and couldn't take  
care of him.

Pongo approaches Oz with a mug of coffee, which Oz takes as if  
puppets served him coffee every day.

OZ  
Thanks. Since then Jordy's been bouncing  
around the family tree until he ended up  
here with Uncle Ken's Mom. I taught him what  
I knew about controlling the change, but  
apparently he got into some trouble and...  
Well, here I am.

XANDER  
You know, I think that's the most I've ever  
heard you talk.

OZ  
Really? Hmm.  
(Oz sips the coffee. Nods appreciatively)  
Puppet makes a mean cup of coffee.

LIV  
So you can totally control when you  
transform into a werewolf?

Lucy comes down with a change of clothing and hands it to Oz.

OZ  
Yeah. Comes in handy.

LUCY  
I'd say. That's like superhero stuff. You  
should get a costume, so... you know.  
Non-nakedness.

OZ  
Yeah... but I look pretty funny in tights.  
Fur and spandex really don't mix

XANDER  
You need to get some of those purple shorts  
that the Incredible Hulk always ends up  
wearing.

OZ  
Yeah, where do you get a pair of those?

MAYA  
Not trying to be rude here, but shouldn't we  
refocus?

XANDER  
Right. Sorry. Jordy. Can you track him?

OZ  
If we go back to where we were, I should be  
able to follow his scent.

LIV  
We better get a move on if we want to find  
him before that hunter guy does.

OZ  
Who?

XANDER  
Cain.

OZ  
Oh.

MAYA  
Maybe we should split up to cover more  
ground.

XANDER  
"We"? There is no "we". Well there is a  
"we", but you are not a part of the "we".

MAYA  
Hey, I can shoot a dart gun just as well as  
anyone else.

XANDER  
No.

MAYA  
Then I'll just go out on my own. No superpowered  
adult or teen to protect me.

Xander sighs and looks at Pongo.

XANDER  
If I let her go with Liv?

PONGO  
Reply hazy. Ask again later. Cannot predict  
now.

MAYA  
And If I go without Liv?

PONGO  
Outlook not so good.

LUCY  
Maya, this is not a good idea.

MAYA  
Jordy is my friend. If you think I'm not  
going after him...

XANDER  
(sighs)  
Okay, but when it hits the fan, let Liv do  
the heavy lifting. I want you to be fray  
adjacent.

OZ  
All right, let's go.

Oz gets up and heads to the door, still in his blanket.

XANDER  
Oz?

OZ  
What?

XANDER  
Clothes.

OZ  
Oh. Right.

EXT. THE WOODS  
Oz and Xander follow Jordy's trail.

OZ  
So after the dingoes broke up, I moved to  
Minneaoplis and played with "Otto's Chemical  
Lounge". I then went to Seattle and played  
bass for "The Blue Hippos". After that I was  
in LA with "Love is a Punk Ass Bitch".

XANDER  
How'd you get to Vegas?

OZ  
Hooked up with this lounge singer in LA.  
Used to have a big act at the Tropicana but  
dropped out for a while. Now he's on his  
comeback tour and I've got a steady gig.

XANDER  
Gig. That's so cool.

OZ  
I know. So you're a watcher, huh?

XANDER  
Destiny played a hand.

OZ  
Always seems to muck things up.

XANDER  
And here we are again.

OZ  
Just like old times.

XANDER  
Demons

OZ  
Vampires

XANDER  
Zombies

OZ  
Fish men

XANDER  
The Judge

OZ  
Band candy.

XANDER  
Ever think what would've happened if we just  
led normal lives?

OZ  
Tried it once. Didn't take.

XANDER  
Same here.

OZ  
So the battle continues...

XANDER  
Oh we few... We Happy few...

EXT. SAINT BUFALARI'S CAMPUS  
Liv and Maya are scouting the campus. Maya is calling for Jordy  
much like you would a dog.

MAYA  
Jordy? Come here boy!  
(Whistles)  
Jordy?

LIV  
Do you really think that's going to work?

MAYA  
Works for my dog. Jordy is of the canine  
persuasion at the moment so...  
(whistles again)  
Joooor-dy!

LIV  
Maybe we should use deductive reasoning.

MAYA  
And how do we go about that, Sherlock?

LIV  
Where would you go if you were a teenage  
werewolf?

MAYA  
When Michael J. Fox played a teen werewolf  
he joined the basketball team and went to  
the school dance dressed as John Travolta.

LIV  
It's going to be a long night.

MAYA  
Well I doubt he's here at school. He already  
trashed the place looking for...

Liv and Maya stop short, look at each other and come to the  
same thought at the same time.

LIV & MAYA  
Nana Framkin.

MAYA  
(quickly)  
Well he wasn't looking for Nana Framkin...

LIV  
(quickly)  
Nana Framkin may still have the stuff he was  
looking for.

MAYA  
Right.

LIV  
Right. Let's go

They take off.

EXT. CAPE KENNETH WOODS - THE FOREST

Xander and Oz move along through the forest following Jordy's  
trail. Oz is sniffing the air.

OZ  
Yeah he definitely came through here. We're  
not too far behind him.

XANDER  
Good.

OZ  
But Cain is right behind him.

XANDER  
Not good.

OZ  
Hey. Xand? I was wondering if you can do me  
a favor when this is all over.

XANDER  
Name it.

EXT. NANA FRAMKIN'S HOUSE

Maya and Liv run up to the house.

MAYA  
Is this the place?

From the house we hear a woman scream followed by a loud howl.

LIV  
This is the place.

Maya sees something in the distance and points at it.

MAYA  
Liv!

ANGLE ON: Cain. He's loading his gun and preparing to aim.

ANGLE ON: Maya as she runs into the house.

MAYA  
You take him. I'll take care of Jordy!

LIV  
Maya wait!

MAYA  
I can handle Jordy! Go!

Liv doesn't like it, but takes off after Cain.

INT. FRAMKIN HOUSE  
Maya runs into the front foyer and stops.

MAYA  
Jordy?

Nana screams from the upstairs. Maya runs up the stairs.

EXT. FRAMKIN HOUSE - BACKYARD

Cain is aligning his shot up into the house

ANGLE ON - The house through Cain's gunsight.

From a rear bedroom window we see Werewolf Jordy cornering his  
grandmother. Suddenly the view is broken with the sound of  
shattered glass.

Cain looks up to see a wooden stake embedded in his gunsight.

Liv steps in front of him.

LIV  
Let me guess. I'm about to get a lecture on  
the second amendment.

CAIN  
You're going to pay for that little lady.

Cain pulls out a knife and charges after Liv. Liv does a  
roundhouse kick and knocks the knife out of Cain's hand, but  
Cain is able to recover and put her in a headlock before she  
can fully turn around. Cain laughs as he begins to choke her.

INT. NANA FRAMKIN'S BEDROOM

Maya dashes into the room to see Jordy-Werewolf cornering his  
grandmother.

NANA  
Get away from me!!

Maya pulls out her dart gun. Takes a breath, aims, closes her  
eyes and fires her dart gun until she empties the entire clip.  
We hear Jordy-Werewolf give a deep guttural growl. She opens  
her eyes and immediately gets a look of fear on her face.

MAYA  
Aw Crap.

ANGLE ON: Werewolf-Jordy and Nana

The only thing the darts hit were Nana Framkin. The rest are  
embedded into the wall. Jordy-Werewolf turns and snarls at Maya

MAYA  
Great. Nice shooting Tex. Okay... Jordy, I  
know you're in there someplace.

More snarls from Jordy-Werewolf.

MAYA  
You just have to think. It's me. Your  
friend. Maya. Remember? You don't want to  
hurt me.

Jordy-Werewolf tilts his head like a dog listening to its  
owner.

MAYA  
That's a good...

Jordy-Werewolf snarls and charges at Maya.

EXT. NANA FRAMKIN'S BACKYARD

Cain still has Liv in a headlock. Liv struggles to move the arm  
and failing that, throws an elbow into Cain's solar-plexus,  
stomps on his instep, spins and strikes the heel of her hand  
into his face and follows up with a knee to the groin. Cain  
drops like a stone to the ground.

LIV  
You might have better luck taking on someone  
your own size.

Liv hears Maya scream followed by a werewolf howl. She takes  
off towards the house.

INT. NANA FRAMKIN'S HOUSE - JORDY'S ROOM.  
Maya runs into the room, slams the door behind her and pulls a  
dresser in front of the door to block it. The door soon starts  
vibrating violently as Jordy-Werewolf begins to tear it apart.  
Maya runs around the room looking for a weapon and finds  
nothing.

MAYA  
Crap!

Jordy-Werewolf knocks the door into splinters and pushes the  
dresser over on the ground and slowly stalks up to Maya.

MAYA  
Oh God. Please don't eat me.

Suddenly Jordy's window shatters as Liv dives through, rolls,  
pulls out her dart gun and plants three darts into Jordy's  
side. Jordy-Werewolf snarls in surprise and then drops over  
unconscious.

MAYA  
Sure. Take your time getting here.

LIV  
I thought you could handle Jordy.

MAYA  
Thought wrong. Totally wrong.

CAIN (OS)  
Thanks for doing the hard work ladies.

The butt of a rifle swings through the air and connects with  
Liv's head knocking her out.

ANGLE ON: Cain as he cocks his rifle.

CAIN  
Now I just have to shoot it and skin it.

END ACT III

ACT IV

INT. NANA FRAMKIN'S HOUSE - JORDY'S BEDROOM

Cain is positioning his rifle to shoot the unconscious Jordy-  
Werewolf. Maya steps in front of Cain.

MAYA  
Don't you dare!

CAIN  
Going to be hard to stop me with a bullet in  
your head.

Maya pales as the gun barrel is now trained on her.

CAIN  
You moving?

Maya swallows hard and stands her ground.

MAYA  
No.

CAIN  
Your funeral.

We hear more snarls as a partially transformed Oz runs into the  
room, punches Cain, grabs and breaks his rifle and then throws  
Cain against the wall, knocking him out. Xander bursts into the  
room out of breath.

XANDER  
Everyone... Okay?

Oz's features return to normal.

OZ  
Looks to be.

XANDER  
Liv?

Xander kneels down to check her out.

LIV  
(mumbling)  
I don't wanna to go to the ice show.

Xander picks her up.

XANDER  
We better go get her checked out by her Mom.  
(to Maya)  
You okay?

MAYA  
Nothing a clean pair of underwear wouldn't  
fix.

OZ  
Grab Jordy's other paw and let's get out of  
here.

Maya and Oz each grab a leg start dragging Jordy out of his room as Xander  
heads off with Liv.

MAYA  
Is it always like this?

OZ  
Just part of being a scooby.

MAYA  
Okay, you know what? Need a better name.

EXT. SAINT BUFALARI'S CAMPUS

School is back in session as Oz's van pulls up to the school  
and both Oz and Jordy (normal again) hop out.

JORDY  
You sure you can't stick around a while  
longer?

OZ  
I wish I could, but Vegas calls...

JORDY  
Any way I could tag along?

OZ  
I promised Aunt Maureen that you'd  
finish high school and go to college.  
Can't back out on that.

JORDY  
So I'm stuck here with Nana Framkin? No  
life? No friends?

OZ  
You don't think you have friends?

Oz gestures behind Jordy. Jordy turns to see Liv and Maya  
smiling at him.

MAYA  
(friendly)  
Hey dumbass.

JORDY  
Hey.

Oz puts his hand on Jordy's shoulder.

OZ  
I've already worked it out with Xander.  
You'll be staying with him from now on. I'll  
deal with getting your stuff from Nana  
Framkin. I'm sorry I left you with her  
but...

JORDY  
I'm staying with Mr. Harris?

OZ  
Yeah. Don't be too rough on him.

Oz and Jordy smile at each other.

OZ  
Do we hug?

JORDY  
I think we're too manly.

They shake hands instead.

OZ  
Cool. I got to motor.

Oz gets into his van and starts the motor.

JORDY  
Call me when you get to Vegas.

OZ  
(Waves)  
Will do.

Oz drives off and Oz turns to face Maya and Liv.

JORDY  
So I'm a dumbass?

LIV  
Well... yeah!

MAYA  
Did you not get the part of my speech?  
Remember? The baldness?

JORDY  
I remember the baldness.

Maya hits him hard in the chest.

JORDY  
Ow.

MAYA  
Then what's your problem?

JORDY  
Hello? Werewolf.

LIV  
Hello? I fight vampires and demons on a  
nightly basis. You think a werewolf thing is  
going to freak me out?

MAYA  
Hello? Hang out with the slayer, a man with  
one eye and a freaky puppet. You think  
that's going to freak me out?

JORDY  
It's just... I... never could tell anyone.  
It was... you know... not a hot topic of  
conversation unless you wanted to drive  
anyone away. That includes... friends.

LIV  
(sighs with mock frustration)  
He obviously does not get the whole baldness  
story.

MAYA  
Maybe we should shave his head.

LIV  
Maybe we should wait 'til the next full moon  
and totally shave him.

JORDY  
I don't think that's necessary.

LIV  
Because...?

JORDY  
Next time I have a problem I can come to you  
guys?

MAYA  
Ahhh.. Fuzzball finally gets it.

LIV  
So I guess no shaving then, huh?

The girls and Jordy start walking toward the school building.

JORDY  
You kids are just going to be one odd squad  
of weirdness aren't you?

MAYA  
Odd Squad?

LIV  
I like the sound of that.

MAYA  
Finally, I can shake this whole scooby  
label.

They all laugh and walk into the building.

JORDY  
Do you guys really hang out with a living puppet?

LIV  
Not by choice.

END ACT IV


	8. Homecoming Hell

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Big Bad makes it's move on Homecoming night, forcing Xander and the Odd squad to protect the student body from becoming happy meals.
> 
> Note: One of the events in the story is similar to an event in the movie Constantine. I've never seen the movie so technically I didn't steal the idea.

TEASER

INT. DOUBLEMEAT PALACE - DAY

CLERK  
(monotone)  
Welcome to DoubleMeat Palace. How can I help  
you?

Xander stands in front of the counter dressed in his normal  
suit and tie.

XANDER  
(reading off a piece of paper)  
I'll have two double sized medley meals,  
extra pickles. Two classic double decker  
meals, extra pickles, hold the sauce. A  
fisherman's medley with bacon. Three cherry  
pies and a diet coke.

CLERK  
(monotone)  
Would you like a complimentary cholesterol  
test with that sir?

Xander looks at the clerk with a wary look.

XANDER  
Was... Was that a joke?

CLERK  
Huh?

XANDER  
Never mind.

EXT. ALLEY BESIDE THE DOUBLEMEAT PALACE  
Xander steps into the alley and nervously looks around.

XANDER  
Clem?

CLEM (OS)  
(Whispering)  
Over here.

Xander steps back further into the shadows and shakes hands  
with everybody's favorite Loose Skinned Demon.

XANDER  
Clem. How you doing?

CLEM  
Pretty good. You missed last night's poker  
game.

XANDER  
You win big?

CLEM  
Almost two entire litters. I don't know how  
I'm going to feed them.

Xander gives him a look of surprise.

CLEM  
What? You didn't think I ate them did you?

XANDER  
Well... You do have that creature of the  
night thing going for you.

CLEM  
Nah. That's not my style. I'm a strictly a  
"Bugles" and "Country Time Lemonade" kind of  
guy. Listen, did you get my...

Xander hands over the DoubleMeat bag. Clem starts rummaging  
through the bag and pulls out a deep fried cherry pie and gives  
it a good sniff.

CLEM  
Oh, ho... Shiny.

XANDER  
What have you heard?

Clem delivers the next few lines while eating the cherry pie  
and talking with his mouth full. Most likely a scary sight to  
behold.

CLEM  
At the game last night, one of the demons  
was talking about the Consul.

Xander perks up at this.

XANDER  
"The Consul" as in "The Consul" the Vizier  
was working for?

CLEM  
Apparently. Word on the street is that  
something big is coming down.

XANDER  
Like what?

CLEM  
They're going after a kid at St. Bufalari's.  
Apparently he's part of the "something big".

XANDER  
"He"?

CLEM  
Apparently he has some sort of special  
talent or quality that they are interested  
in. What that is, I don't know.

XANDER  
Do you know when?

INT. CONSUL SANCTUM  
The three red-hooded figures stand in their standard triangle  
formation. The Vizier stands to the side, now wearing an eye  
patch as a result of his last battle with Liv.

CONSUL #1  
In three days time, our plan will come to  
fruition.

CONSUL #2  
All the elements are in place. Every point  
of failure has been or will be eliminated.

VIZIER  
What about the slayer and her watcher?

CONSUL #3  
They will be too... distracted to save our  
future champion.

CONSUL #1  
On the night of the new moon, you will  
gather your forces to claim our champion and  
release the monster within him.

VIZIER  
And where will I be taking these "forces"  
and who exactly will we be "claiming"?

INT. ST. BUFALARI'S HALLWAY  
Jordy, Maya and Liv are by their lockers. Brad and Vanessa man  
a booth underneath a big banner which we can't read.

JORDY  
Homecoming? Why would I want to go to  
homecoming?

END TEASER

ACT I

INT. ST. BUFALARI SCHOOL - HALLWAY  
Jordy is leaning up against the lockers as Maya and Liv  
exchange books from their respective lockers.

JORDY  
Homecoming? I mean... I'm not really a  
school event kind of guy. If there was an  
un-event, I'd be there. But...

MAYA  
Are you kidding? Jordy, you have to go. The  
cheerwenches are all planning on wearing  
matching outfits. We're talking prime mockfest  
material.

JORDY  
Well, I do enjoy a good mock-fest. What  
about you Liv?

LIV  
I... I don't have a date.

MAYA  
So we'll do the group thing. We'll find you  
a pretty dress, give you a little  
makeover...

LIV  
What's wrong with the way I look?

MAYA  
Nothing. I'm talking about getting gussied  
up. Looking prettier than normal.

JORDY  
Nothing better than being gussied.

LIV  
It's just...

Maya lets out a heavy sigh.

MAYA  
We're not going to have that "Prince  
Charming" talk again. Please I beg you.

JORDY  
Prince Charming?

LIV  
It's just if I'm going to go I just want it  
to be... with someone.

JORDY  
I'll be your date.

LIV  
But you're a friend... It's not the same. No  
offense.

JORDY  
I don't think I can be offended.

MAYA  
(sighs)  
Forget it Jordy, she's got this whole  
screwy-teenage-romantic comedy thing in her  
head and she won't shake it loose.

JORDY  
So no homecoming for Liv?

LIV  
Not unless a miracle occurs.

ANGLE ON: VANESSA AND BRAD  
Behind them is a big banner that says "Win a date with Brad  
Valentine". A big jar filled with thousands of tickets sits on  
a table beside them. Gobs of giddy cheerleaders surround them.

VANESSA  
Okay ladies! Let's take out your raffle  
tickets! Not too late to buy more! And  
remember all proceeds goes to Lupe, our  
sponsored child in Bolivia.

ANGLE ON:  
Maya, Liv and Jordy. Liv is about to walk away, but Maya grabs  
her arm.

MAYA  
Oh hold on, I want to see this.

JORDY  
What is it?

MAYA  
The Brad Valentine Ho-fest. Every dance he  
sells raffle tickets to the cheerleading  
squad. That way the pig doesn't have to risk  
social suicide by asking one girl in  
particular.

JORDY  
Huh.

LIV  
What?

JORDY  
For some reason I sense a hilarious hijinxey  
situation approaching.

MAYA  
Well, I did buy a ticket and put Olivia's  
name on it.

LIV  
Maya!

MAYA  
Oh please... Like the one ticket they are  
going to pull is...

VANESSA(OS)  
(almost screaming)  
Olivia Fontaine?!?!

ANGLE ON:  
The entire cheerleading squad staring at Liv with crossed arms  
and venomous looks in their eyes. Brad is dumbfounded.

ANGLE ON:  
Liv. Eyes wide. Barely breathing. Maya stands stunned beside  
her. Jordy shrugs.

JORDY  
The hijinx ensues.

MAYA  
Liv....? Say something, Liv.

LIV  
(squeaking)  
Eep.

GO TO BLACK

MAYA  
Breathe, Liv. Breathe.

INT. FONTAINE HOUSE - KITCHEN

Lucy sits at the kitchen island massaging her temples. Maya  
sits across from her with a guilty look on her face.

LUCY  
Oh, Maya.... What have you done?!

MAYA  
I was just goofing around I didn't think...

Liv bursts into the room in full panic mode.

LIV  
I don't have a dress! I have to patrol! I...  
I... I... can't... but...

LUCY  
Sweetie...

Liv turns a shade of green and runs out of the room.

MAYA  
Wow...

LUCY  
She hasn't thrown up this much since the  
fourth grade spelling bee.

MAYA  
Didn't she have to get an IV?

LUCY  
Poor kid was dehydrated for weeks.

Liv comes back into the room holding her stomach.

LIV  
Mom...

MAYA  
Liv, you don't have to do this.

LIV  
I don't?

LUCY  
No sweetie. I don't think it's a good idea.

LIV  
I don't have to go?

MAYA  
Not if you don't want to.

Lucy kicks Maya under the table.

MAYA  
Ow! I mean no. You don't have to go.

LIV  
Are you sure?

LUCY  
It's not a like it's a legal obligation.

LIV  
But it's... it's... him.

MAYA  
I'm sorry Liv. I should have never put your  
name down.

Liv sits down at the kitchen island, flops her head down on it  
and covers her head with her arms.

LIV  
I'm such a dork!

Lucy rubs her daughter's back.

LUCY  
Oh sweetie.

LIV  
Don't touch me Mom, I'm still nauseous.

Lucy carefully pulls her hand back.

XANDER (OS)  
Hello? Anyone home?

LUCY  
In here!

Xander walks into the room and looks at all the "down" looks on  
the girls' faces. He looks pretty down himself.

XANDER  
Wow. Why the glum factory?

MAYA  
You should talk.

LUCY  
It's a long story. What brings you here and  
so down in the mouth?

XANDER  
Trouble. Clem called me at work for a meet  
regarding some disturbing information and I  
just spent an hour playing one hundred and  
twenty questions with Pongo the wonder  
puppet.  
(rubs temple)  
I'm not going to mention the half a dozen or  
so premonitions.

LIV  
What is it?

XANDER  
From what I've pieced together from Clem and  
the Watcher's report, the Vizier has been  
working for some group called the Consul.

MAYA  
So he's just a henchman?

XANDER  
From what I can tell.

MAYA  
Hmm.

XANDER  
What?

MAYA  
When that guy kidnapped me he kept saying  
that he was a "Counselor of Sacul" or  
something like that.

Xander pulls out his PDA and makes a couple of notes in it.

XANDER  
Sacul, huh. Nope. Nothing. Well whatever  
they're called, It looks like they making a  
major move in the next couple of days.  
They're going to try and kidnap some kid who  
goes to your school.

LIV  
Aw crap.

LUCY  
Do you know who it is? Or why they want him?

Xander shakes his head.

XANDER  
No. Nobody does. But I know when and where.  
(sighs and smiles at Liv)  
Think you can get a date for homecoming?

Liv turns a shade of green and runs out of the room. Lucy and  
Maya start rubbing their temples.

XANDER  
What'd I say?

END ACT I

ACT II

INT. BRIDAL SHOPPE  
Liv is wearing a very pink and very poofy dress. She looks in  
the mirror and frowns.

LIV  
How am I supposed to hide a battle axe in  
this?

One of the shopkeepers gives Liv a weird look. Lucy and Maya  
share a look together.

LUCY  
Sweetie. Ixnay on the Axe-ay. I'll... I'll  
try and find something more... I can't  
believe I'm saying this... battle ready.

Lucy shakes her head and goes to forage

LIV  
This is crazy. I can't fight in this.

MAYA  
Well you can't show up to homecoming in your  
fatigues and combat boots.

LIV  
I can't wear my combat boots?

MAYA  
How can you be so smart, yet so fashion  
impaired?

LIV  
I think that gene skips a generation.  
(looks at dress and sighs in frustration)  
Oh I can't stand this thing. I've got to get  
out of it.

Liv goes into the dressing room to change. We stick with Maya  
as she hangs outside the door.

MAYA  
You know, you don't have to go with Brad.

LIV(OS)  
Wouldn't it be social suicide if I didn't go  
with him?

MAYA  
Since when did you care what other people  
think about you?

LIV(OS)  
I've always cared what other people think  
about me. You're the socially ambivalent  
one.

MAYA  
Liv, all these snooty people you are talking  
about are bottom feeders. Brad included.

LIV(OS)  
On some basic level I know that. But the  
geek in me lives and dies on their social  
acceptance.

MAYA  
Can't we just get the dance canceled?

Lucy walks up with a bunch of dresses and throws them over the  
dressing room door.

LUCY  
Try these on kiddo.  
(To Maya)  
We thought about that. Xander called the  
school and short of a bomb scare nothing is  
going to derail the homecoming machine.

LIV(OS)  
Besides if we don't know who this guy is,  
how am I supposed to protect him if he's at  
home?

MAYA  
So what do we do?

LUCY  
Well... Xander and I are going as chaperons  
so if there's a problem...

MAYA  
We have some adults with demon slaying  
experience.

LUCY  
Well one adult. And another with medical  
training.

LIV(OS)  
Mom?! Are you kidding me with this dress?!

Lucy looks over the door.

LUCY  
You've got it on backwards, dear.

MAYA  
This is going to be a very long day.

LUCY  
We haven't even bought heels yet.

LIV(OS)  
I have to wear heels?!

Maya and Lucy share an exasperated sigh.

INT. XANDER'S FIREHOUSE - KITCHEN

Jordy is pulling out one of his funky looking bottles out of  
the refrigerator as Xander is looking over some blueprints.  
Jordy pops open the bottle, takes a drink and makes a face.

XANDER  
Taste good?

JORDY  
Mmmm... feet.

XANDER  
You okay living in the basement? I'm sorry,  
it's not in better condition...

JORDY  
Nah. It's all good. Has that rustic waterstained  
feel to it. I'll make it my own.  
It's waking up next to a puppet I have a  
problem with.

Xander chuckles.

XANDER  
Yeah. Still freaks me out too.

JORDY  
What are you looking at?

XANDER  
Blueprints for the gym. Just want to make  
sure I know all the entrances, exits and...  
whatnot.  
(sighs and rubs his eye)  
Are you sure you want to go to this thing?

JORDY  
If it was just a school event, maybe I'd  
bail. Now that it's an odd squad thing...

XANDER  
That doesn't mean you have to go.

JORDY  
Why the parental concern?

XANDER  
The guy this consul is looking for... he's  
supposed to have this "talent" or "ability".

JORDY  
Thinking it's the werewolf thing, huh?

XANDER  
Maybe.

JORDY  
Well then if it's going down, it's either  
here in the basement or a gym with lots of  
exits.

XANDER  
Yeah.

JORDY  
Plus, you know, I've got some werewolfy  
tricks up my sleeve.

XANDER  
You can do a partial transformation?

JORDY  
Sometimes.

XANDER  
Sometimes?

JORDY  
(smiles)  
Might want to have a tazer or a tranq gun  
with you.

XANDER  
Well, I'm just chock full of confidence now.

JORDY  
Hey. It's homecoming. What could go wrong?

XANDER  
You just totally doomed us by saying that.  
You realize that right?

Jordy smiles and takes another swig of his potion.

JORDY  
Ahh. Feet.  
(Heads towards main part of room)  
Pongo. Give me the remote, the "OC" is on.

Xander shakes his head and starts going over the blueprints one  
more time.

INT. FONTAINE HOUSE - LIVING ROOM

Maya is sitting on the couch reading the magazine dressed up  
for homecoming. Lucy, also nicely dressed, runs down the stairs  
and grabs a sewing repair kit.

MAYA  
What happened?

LUCY  
Liv tried to stow a couple of stakes in her  
dress. Time for a quick fix.

MAYA  
Oh. Anything I can do?

LUCY  
Don't you think you've done enough?

MAYA  
(sheepish)  
Sorry.

LUCY  
Well on the plus side, my daughter is going  
to homecoming with the most popular boy in  
school.

MAYA  
Which is destined to be overrun with the  
demonic population of Cape Kenneth.

LUCY  
That would be the downside. And to give  
credit where credit is due... not your  
fault.

Suddenly we hear some thumps and a crashing noise.

LIV(OS)  
Mom!!

LUCY  
(sighs)  
Should have given her more time to practice  
wearing heels.

The doorbell rings as Lucy runs upstairs.

LUCY(OS)  
Maya will you get that?

Maya walks to and opens the door. She looks out the door and is  
surprised by what she sees.

MAYA  
Well slap my ass and call me Judy.

ANGLE ON: Doorway.

Xander is there wearing a suit and tie for work, but the real  
shocker is Jordy wearing a nicely tailored and spiffy suit. His  
hair however is still... a mess.

XANDER  
Jordy and I had a little talk about his  
appearance.

JORDY  
Apparently there is this thing called an  
"iron"? I think it's the next fad. All the  
kids will be using it.

MAYA  
I think it's a bad idea that you two are  
living together.

XANDER  
Is Liv upstairs? I need to go over our game  
plan.

MAYA  
If your game plan includes Zoloft, please...  
go upstairs.

Xander and Jordy laugh as they walk into the house Xander goes  
upstairs as Jordy and Maya head into the living room.

JORDY  
Got you something here

Jordy tosses a small plastic box to Maya

MAYA  
What's this?

JORDY  
Corsage. Apparently they're all the rage at  
these dances.

MAYA  
Really? It's very nice. Do you want to pin  
it on me?

JORDY  
That depends on how many scars you want on  
your chest.

MAYA  
I think I'll take care of it.

Heads off into other room as the doorbell rings.

MAYA  
Can you get that?

Jordy opens the door and finds Brad, dressed for homecoming and  
a scowl on his face.

JORDY  
Brad.

BRAD  
Loser.

Brad walks into the house sullenly. Jordy shrugs off the  
insult.

JORDY  
Problem?

BRAD  
Other than having to be in the same room  
with you? It's one thing to train that freak  
of nature. That's a job. This? This is a  
dork outreach program gone awry.

JORDY  
You know what? Could care less what you  
think of me. As for Liv... Bit of advice: Be  
nice and show her a good time.

BRAD  
Or what?

Jordy bears his teeth and lets out a guttural and evil sounding snarl.

Brad blanches, takes a reflexive step back and tries to summon  
some kind of bravado.

BRAD  
Think you can scare me?

JORDY  
Don't need to.

MAYA(OS)  
Good thing you're wearing a dark suit  
Bradley.

Brad turns to see Maya, who apparently has watched the entire  
exchange.

MAYA  
Just remember, if you upset Liv in any  
way... Well, after I'm done with you, Jordy  
won't have much to deal with.

Brad scoffs and quickly jumps again as Jordy lets off another  
growl. Maya walks over and stands beside Jordy.

BRAD  
I don't have to put up with you freaks.

MAYA  
Well... you do. Just for tonight. Got it,  
Valentine?

Brad looks at the both of them and nods his head as Xander  
comes down the stairs.

MAYA  
Excellent.

XANDER  
All right! Looks we're all set.

BRAD  
You're coming too?

XANDER  
Chaperon at the dance. Liv will be down in  
just a second.  
(takes Maya and Jordy aside)  
You two know what to do tonight?

MAYA  
We're on it.

LUCY(OS)  
Here she comes!

ANGLE ON: Staircase as Liv walks down it.

Honestly? It's a transformation. No Glasses. Hair and make up  
done up all perfectly. Gorgeous dress. All in all: Geek to  
Sheik. Liv slowly walks down the stairs and is all smiles. So  
is Maya and Xander. Jordy is quite amazed. Brad... well he  
barely notices.

JORDY  
Wow.

MAYA  
Not bad, huh? We did good work.

JORDY  
Laney Boggs and Eliza Doolittle were good  
work. She's something else entirely.

Liv stands in front of Brad and smiles.

LIV  
Hi Brad.

BRAD  
(Barely polite)  
You look nice.

Brad hands her a corsage. Liv titters, adjusts her footing and  
quickly drops to the ground out of sight. Maya sighs. Lucy  
comes down the steps, looks down at her daughter and sighs.

LUCY  
Should have given her more time with the  
heels.

END ACT II

ACT III

INT. SAINT BUFALARI'S SCHOOL - GYMNASIUM

Standard school dance decorations apply. Xander stands back  
behind a table of refreshments including the typical punch  
bowl. Lucy walks up from scanning the dance floor.

LUCY  
Well this brings back memories.

XANDER  
Sweaty palms.

LUCY  
Raging hormones.

XANDER  
Rampaging demons trained to attack kids in  
formal wear.

Lucy gives Xander look.

LUCY  
You really had a screwed up high school  
experience, didn't you?

XANDER  
Tell me about it.  
(To two dancers)  
Hey! Hey! Watch the hands mister!  
(Shocked)  
Did I just say that?

LUCY  
Welcome to my world. The words that come out  
of my mouth...  
(To two other dancers)  
Hands above the waist, buddy!  
(beat)  
Not that high!  
(Shakes her head)  
Oh God. I've become my mother.

Xander puts his arm around her waist and she puts her head on  
his shoulder.

XANDER  
I don't know. It's still kind of nice. Soft  
music. Streamers. Punch that, no doubt,  
somebody has already spiked with grain  
alcohol. And... again... there's the rampaging  
demons on their way to kill us.

LUCY  
Shh. Enjoy the moment.

Lucy lifts her head up and gives Xander a kiss. She holds  
on tightly to him and smiles.

LUCY  
Is that a stake in your pocket, or are you  
just happy to see me?

XANDER  
Uh... Stake. But I am happy to see you.

They kiss again... this time a little longer. They are  
interrupted by a stern looking nun who clears her throat.

Xander and Lucy immediately separate and look ashamed.

LUCY  
Sorry, Sister Margaret.

ANGLE ON: Gym entrance.  
Maya, Jordy, Liv and Brad enter the room. Liv appears to be on  
Cloud Nine and only has eyes for Brad. Brad definitely wants to  
be elsewhere, but is at least one inch away from being  
impolite.

LIV  
Thanks for the lovely meal, Brad.

Brad grunts in acknowledgment

MAYA  
Yeah Brad. That Double Medley meal really  
hit the spot.

Brad shoots Maya an evil glare. Maya smiles a gestures to the  
dance floor. Brad rolls his eyes.

BRAD  
(flat)  
Want to dance?

LIV  
I'd love to!

Maya and Jordy watch the couple walk towards the dance floor.

MAYA  
Nothing like the threat of death and  
dismemberment to make a guy the perfect  
date.

JORDY  
Think she's happy?

MAYA  
She better be. So... When are you going to  
ask me to dance?

JORDY  
I don't dance.

MAYA  
You dress up. You buy me a corsage. You pick  
me up at the door and you're not going to  
ask me to dance?

JORDY  
I can't dance. I don't know how.

MAYA  
It's a slow dance. Fake it.

Jordy smiles and offers Maya her arm. They go to the dance  
floor and assume a formal dancing position.

MAYA  
If you can refrain from stepping on my toes,  
you've got it made.

JORDY  
I think I can handle that.

MAYA  
Gotta tell ya Jordy. For someone who's  
usually a rumpled looking slacker, you clean  
up pretty good.

JORDY  
Wish I could say the same about you.

Maya gives him a confused look.

JORDY  
You always look good.

Jordy dips Maya expertly and pops her back up again. Maya  
laughs.

MAYA  
I thought you didn't know how to dance.

JORDY  
(smiles and shrugs)  
Lied.

ANGLE ON:  
Brad and Liv as they struggle to dance. Liv slips on her heels  
and Brad has to catch her from falling to the floor.

LIV  
Sorry.

Liv kicks off her high heels.

LIV  
Had enough of those things.

Brad, who has been looking anywhere but Liv finally looks down  
at her. Liv is looking at him with those puppy dog eyes. He  
can't help but smile.

BRAD  
You're not wearing your glasses.

LIV  
Contacts. Usually can't stand to have  
anything in my eye. Took me twenty times,  
but I finally got them in.

BRAD  
(honestly)  
You look nice.

Brad couldn't have said anything more to make Liv's night. They  
finally share a moment.

Lucy and Xander watch Liv from afar.

LUCY  
Wow. Look at her. She's having such a good  
time.

Xander stiffens.

LUCY  
What's wrong?

INT. SAINT BUFALARI'S SCHOOL GYMNASIUM - XANDER'S VISION  
Dozens of Vampires and Yploog burst through the school doors  
and start attacking the kids.

INT. SAINT BUFALARI'S SCHOOL GYMNASIUM - Normal  
Xander slumps a bit and Lucy catches him.

XANDER  
They're here.

Xander reaches under the refreshment table and pulls out the  
leather satchel o' weapons. He gives Lucy a quick kiss.

XANDER  
Get the students to safety. I'll see you  
later.

And he dashes off. A couple of normal faced vampires walk into  
the room, stop and smile.

VAMPIRE  
Mmmm. Teenagers.  
(vamps out)  
Who's hungry?!

The other vamps put on their game faces as well and start  
attacking the crowd. Screams erupt shaking Liv out of her  
momentary happiness.

LIV  
(sighs)  
Duty calls.

BRAD  
Huh?

LIV  
You better get out while you still can.

XANDER(OS)  
Liv! Heads up!

ANGLE ON:

Xander, weilding his sword and a crossbow with a flaming  
quarrel on it . The bag 'o weapons sit at his feet. He kicks the  
bag across the floor until it ends at Liv's feet.

ANGLE ON: The Main Entrance...  
Vampire and Ypoog demons flood into the room.

ANGLE ON:  
Maya, Lucy and Jordy. They have opened up the emergency fire  
exits setting off the fire alarm. More panic ensues

MAYA  
Everyone! Out! Out here!

The kids make a break for the doors in one big exodus.

LUCY  
Keep moving kids!

MAYA  
(to Jordy)  
I think it's time to bring out the atomic  
dog in you.

Jordy does a partial transformation into a werewolf and howls.  
He charges the demons and starts tearing into them. Maya  
continues to get people out the door.

ANGLE ON:  
Xander as he points his crossbow at the ceiling and lets go  
with the flaming quarrel. It hits the ceiling right by a  
sprinkler head. Water starts streaming down.

The vampires register shock and then pain as one by one they  
burst into flames. The rest of the Ypoog demons are unaffected.  
Xander laughs. Jordy appears beside him.

XANDER  
Another score for the glorified bricklayer.

JORDY  
How'd you do it?

XANDER  
It's amazing what a priest will bless when you  
make a $5000 contribution to a scholarship  
fund.

Xander charges into the fray with Jordy following him.

Most of the students are gone now as Liv pulls her favorite  
battle axe from the leather satchel. Brad is in shock...  
whether it's the demons, the exploding vampires, or the  
drenching fire suppression system... who knows?

LIV  
Better go now before it gets too crazy.

BRAD  
What's going on?

LIV  
The forces of hell are attacking homecoming.

BRAD  
What?

LIV  
Go. Now.

Brad hesitates. Liv gives him a look of longing.

LIV  
Oh... What the hell!

Liv grabs Brads tie, pulls him down and gives him one big  
passionate kiss.

XANDER(OS)  
Liv! A little help here!

Liv lets Brad go and gives him a devastating smile.

LIV  
Go. Now.

And with a quick spin, she turns around and decapitates a  
charging Ypoog demon, sending splatter everywhere. Brad wastes  
no more time and dives out a emergency exit away from the rest  
of the students.

EXT. SAINT BUFALARI'S CAMPUS

A couple of people are hanging outside the emergency exit and  
greet Brad.

PERSON  
You okay Brad?

BRAD  
(smiles)  
You bet. Hell of a night, huh?

INT. SAINT BUFALARI'S SCHOOL GYMNASIUM

Jordy and Liv are mopping the floor with the Ypoogs. Xander is  
doing his fair share too. The sprinkler system is going full  
blast and almost all the vampires have been destroyed.

XANDER  
So...  
(smashing a ypoog demon through the head)  
Tell me, Liv...  
(Kills another)  
How was your first school dance?

LIV  
Not bad...  
(Takes down three demons in one swipe and  
smiles at Xander)  
Had a little dinner...  
(two more demons go down)  
A little dance  
(Two more demons fall to the ground)  
And had my very first kiss.

Xander fights off two more demons.

XANDER  
First Kiss? Oh boy.  
(Kills another demon)  
You're mother's going to kill me. How about  
you Jordy?

Jordy howls as he smashes two demons heads together.

Xander and Liv smile at each other.

EXT. SAINT BUFALARI'S CAMPUS - LATER

Ambulances are in abundance. Lucy, Maya and assorted paramedics  
are checking on all the wounded and soaked teens.

PARAMEDIC  
A street gang? In New Hampshire? You got to  
be kidding me?

Vanessa the evil cheerleader from hell is soaked to the bone  
and covered with a blanket.

VANESSA  
(sobbing)  
This is the worst homecoming ever!

Maya rolls her eyes at her. Lucy looks up to see...

ANGLE ON: EMERGENCY EXIT

Xander, Liv and Jordy exit the gym. Soaked and disheveled. Lucy  
runs up and grabs a hold of Xander and Liv while Maya hugs  
Jordy.

LUCY  
You guys all right?

XANDER  
We're fine.

LUCY  
Honey?

LIV  
I'm fine, mom.

XANDER  
She kissed Brad.

LIV  
Tattletale.

Lucy smiles and hugs her daughter.

LUCY  
On the first date? You hussy.

LIV  
Mom!

Maya is holding onto Jordy tight.

JORDY  
Hey. I'm okay. Really.

Maya loosens her hold him.

MAYA  
You're a mess.

JORDY  
Sorry.

MAYA  
That's okay. I think I like you better this  
way.

Maya plants a kiss on Jordy's lips. Smiles, cocks her eyebrow  
and walks away.

JORDY  
Wow. Hell of a night.

Unfortunately the moment is cut short by screams. Xander and  
Liv run off in the direction and intercept two of the  
cheerleaders running from behind the gym.

XANDER  
What's wrong?

CHEERLEADER  
He's dead!

Liv pauses for a moment and tears off.

XANDER  
Liv! Wait!

ANGLE ON: Liv as she runs around the corner and stops dead in  
her tracks. Xander comes around the corner a second later and  
does the same.

XANDER  
Oh no.

Liv buries her face into Xander's chest and he holds her there  
as she begins to sob.

ANGLE ON:

Brad's dead body lying on the ground, bleeding from the neck.

END ACT III

ACT IV

INT. FONTAINE HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - EVENING

Liv is wearing a black dress, that she is ruining by curling up  
into a fetal position on the couch, her head on Lucy's lap.  
Lucy strokes her daughter's head Maya sits in a chair opposite  
them. Both Maya and Lucy are wearing appropriate funeral  
appropriate clothes as well.

LUCY  
Sweetie? Can I get you anything?  
(Liv shakes her head)  
I'm going to go upstairs and change. Sure  
you don't need anything?

Liv shakes her head. Lucy kisses her daughter on top of her  
head.

LUCY  
Yell if you need me.

Lucy heads upstairs. Maya and Liv just look at each other. Maya  
takes a breath to say something.

LIV  
Don't.

MAYA  
What?

LIV  
Don't say anything. I don't want to hear it.  
I know what you thought of him and I know  
that it's true, but I don't want to hear it  
right now.

MAYA  
Liv...

LIV  
Don't say it!

Maya stands up and goes to her friend.

MAYA  
I know what he was. More importantly, I know  
what he was to you. I'm sorry.

Liv breaks out into tears and Maya holds onto her. Liv begins  
to wail and sob onto Maya's shoulder.

LIV  
(sobbing)  
He saw me!

MAYA  
What?

LIV  
(sobbing)  
He said I looked nice. At the dance. He  
noticed me.

Maya rubs Liv's back as she continues to sob.

INT. XANDER'S FIREHOUSE - MAIN ROOM

Xander and Jordy are both dressed in suits. Xander has removed  
his tie and Jordy has quickly gone into disheveled mode as he  
drinks his daily potion. Xander is staring out the window at  
the night sky.

JORDY  
You okay Mr. Harris?

XANDER  
I'll be fine.

JORDY  
Pongo and I were going to watch...

XANDER  
(interrupting)  
Not tonight.

JORDY  
Right.

Jordy heads to his basement room as Xander picks up the phone.

XANDER  
(after dialing)  
Hey Will, it's me. Got a minute? Sorry, I  
know it's late. I just had a bad couple of  
days and... I need to talk.

EXT. CAPE KENNETH CEMETERY - BRAD VALENTINE'S GRAVE SITE - NIGHT

The tombstone reads Bradley Hart Valentine 1988-2005 "Beloved  
Son, Star Athlete and Friend. He will be missed"

As we slowly pull back from the grave we see the the familiar  
cloaked Consul Members surrounding the grave. A hand bursts  
through the fresh dirt and the rest of the body soon follows.

Bradley pulls himself halfway up through the ground and looks  
up at the cloaked figures.

CONSUL #1  
Hello, Mr. Valentine.

CONSUL #2  
We've been waiting for you.

CONSUL #3  
Welcome to your afterlife.

Brad smiles... and his teeth grow into fangs and his face gets  
the familiar bumpy faced look.

GO TO BLACK

END ACT IV


	9. Grief

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> With his Slayer out of control and Xander out of his mind, The odd squad turns to the Watcher's Council and Rupert Giles for help.

TEASER  
EXT. CAPE KENNETH CEMETERY

Three vampires are running for their undead life.

VAMPIRE 1  
What the hell was that?

VAMPIRE 2  
It's the...

The vampires skid to a halt in front of a tiny figure.

VAMPIRE 3  
How did she get ahead of us?

The figure steps out... it's Liv. She doesn't answer with a  
quip, but instead dives into battle. She lays into the third  
vampire, driving him back with a steady slew of punches. Just  
as the second vampire charges her, she delivers a strong  
uppercut to the third vampire... knocking him to the ground.  
She does a spinning kick, driving back the second vampire, but  
is outflanked by the first vamp.

The first vamp delivers a series of punishing blows and  
finishes with roundhouse kick to the head, all of which Liv  
just takes standing up. The first vampire just looks at her  
with amazement.

LIV  
(grim)  
That all you got?

The two other vampires tackle her from either side and hold her  
arms back.

VAMPIRE 1  
You want more? You got it babe.

The vampire starts wailing on Liv like there is no tomorrow.  
The vampires laugh as she continues to absorb blow after blow  
after blow. However it isn't until the first vampire delivers a  
punishing kick to her mid-section that she finally cries out in  
pain.

VAMPIRE 2  
What's a matter little girl? That hurt?

VAMPIRE 3  
Maybe we should put you out of your misery.

As the third vampire leans in to bite her neck, Liv bashes him  
with a headbutt. The third vampire lets go of her arm as he  
staggers back. Bad move.

Liv pulls out a stake, stabs and dusts the second vampire. She  
then throws the stake into the third vampire and before she can  
turn around gets her head kicked by the first vampire. She  
falls back and hits her head against a grave stone. The vampire  
pushes his advantage, wailing blow upon blow upon her. He  
delivers another roundhouse to her head, knocking her to the  
ground.

VAMPIRE 1  
Had enough?

Liv climbs to her feet, assumes a martial arts stance and waves  
the vampire into the fight.

VAMPIRE 1  
Aren't we the glutton for punishment?

LIV  
You have no idea.

As the vampire charges, Liv pulls back her fist to a punching  
stance as we...

CUT TO:

INT. SAINT BUFALARI'S SCHOOL - HALLWAY

Liv slams her locker shut to reveal Maya standing in front of  
her with her arms crossed. Liv is showing visible signs of  
bruising, including a black eye, from her battle last night.

LIV  
(pissed)  
What?

MAYA  
(concerned)  
What happened to you last night?

LIV  
What do you think?

MAYA  
Jesus. Liv, you look like a punching bag.

LIV  
Whatever.

Liv starts to walk away, but Maya grabs her arm. Liv winces in  
pain.

MAYA  
Liv, come on. What's going on here?

LIV  
Let go.

VANESSA(OS)  
What's the matter Maya?

Maya and Liv turn to see Vanessa and her clique of cheerleaders  
smirking at them.

VANESSA  
Is your little lap dog misbehaving?

In a flash Liv has grabbed Vanessa and thrown her hard against  
the locker wall.

LIV  
(Screaming)  
Got a problem... BITCH?!

VANESSA  
Back off you little runt!

Liv makes a fist and moves in for the punch of the century...  
but Maya steps in front of her.

MAYA  
(pleading)  
Liv.

Liv glares at her for a moment, spins on her heel and runs off.

Maya watches her go with a growing look of concern on her face.

VANESSA  
Why are you friends with such a miserable  
little cun-

Before Vanessa can even finish, Maya has spun around and  
punched her hard, right on the nose. Vanessa's head bounces off  
the locker wall and her nose begins to bleed. Vanessa's  
cheerwenches rush to her aid as she slides to the floor holding  
her nose. Maya smirks at the destruction she has wrought.

MAYA  
Oh! Right in the nose job! That's gotta  
hurt.

VANESSA  
You bitch!

MAYA  
Hmm. Tough break, Vanessa.

Maya turns around to walk away, only to face a stern looking  
nun.

MAYA  
Aw, crap.

The nun grabs Maya by the ear and leads her away.

MAYA  
Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!

INT. XANDER'S FIREHOUSE - BEDROOM

Xander is doubled over in pain on the floor, holding his head  
like he's trying to keep it from splitting open.

XANDER  
OOOOOWWWWW!!

Breathing heavy he looks up to see two native Africans, an older  
man and woman, dressed in tribal garb. Both are crying  
hysterically

WOMAN  
Watter sort aan my dogter?!

MAN  
Jou se haar lyk veileg!

Xander looks at the ground and sees a young African girl lying  
dead on the floor.

XANDER  
I'm sorry. I'm so sorry

END TEASER

ACT I

INT. FONTAINE HOUSE - KITCHEN

Maya is getting her hand iced down by Lucy.

MAYA  
Stupid Nuns. No sense of humor.

LUCY  
You're lucky you didn't get suspended. What  
did your Mom have to say?

MAYA  
Nothing She was too busy finding the bottom  
of a martini pitcher.

LUCY  
Why'd you punch out that girl anyway?

MAYA  
She pissed me off.

Lucy gives Maya "The Look".

MAYA  
What?

LUCY  
What did Liv do?

MAYA  
Nothing.

LUCY  
Hey. You think I was born yesterday? I see  
the way you two operate. I know how this  
works. What happened?

MAYA  
Nothing I couldn't handle.

LUCY  
Oh yeah?  
(takes the ice bag off her hand)  
Gotta hand it to the Nuns. They know how to  
just inflict enough pain without doing any  
serious damage.

Lucy moves Maya's fingers a little bit.

MAYA  
OW!

LUCY  
Sorry. I won't tell you how many times I got  
the same treatment.

Lucy puts the ice bag back on her hand.

LUCY  
I'm going to give you some of Mama  
Fontaine's patented advice so listen up. All  
her life Liv's had you to protect her. Don't  
think I haven't noticed or appreciated it.  
But now... Now she's going someplace that  
you have to stay out of.

MAYA  
But...

LUCY  
It was fine when you were both nine and  
Wally stole her stuffed bunny, but Maya...  
you can't protect her anymore. As much as I  
hate to admit it, I can't protect her  
anymore. The things she's dealing with  
now... we're out of our league.

MAYA  
What about Mr. Harris?

Lucy digs her toe in the floor and looks away.

LUCY  
He's... He's not doing too well either right  
now.

MAYA  
We got to talk to him. Liv is getting out of  
control. I.. I don't know what to do.

LUCY  
I've tried but...

MAYA  
Try again.

LUCY  
Maya... I called the council this morning. I  
think... I think they're sending someone  
down to take over for Xander.

MAYA  
You can't do that! You can't do that to Liv!

LUCY  
I... I don't know what else to do! Xander  
hasn't left his house for a week. He won't  
talk to me. My daughter is doing God knows  
what and she won't talk to me...  
(she begins to sob)  
I just don't know what to do anymore.

Maya tears up.

MAYA  
But... It's not right!

LUCY  
Don't you think I know that! That's my  
little girl out there! She comes home every  
night, battered all to hell! Then she cries!  
Cries all night long and I can't do a damn  
thing to comfort her! So tell me Maya, what  
exactly am I supposed to do?

MAYA  
(bursting into tears)  
Fix it!

Lucy looks at her in shock.

LUCY  
Honey...

MAYA  
You always fix it! You're the fixer.

Maya begins to sob. Lucy gingerly pulls her into a hug.

MAYA  
Why can't you fix it?

Lucy says nothing, but holds on to Maya.

INT. XANDER'S FIREHOUSE - MAIN ROOM

Jordy, who is wearing a large band-aid on his head, answers the  
door to find Maya standing there, her eyes still red from  
crying.

MAYA  
Hey.

JORDY  
Hey.

Maya starts to cry a little. Jordy steps up and takes her into  
his arms. A moment passes as they comfort each other.

MAYA  
Missed you at school today.

JORDY  
Sorry. Heard you gave Vanessa another excuse  
to visit her plastic surgeon.

MAYA  
(laughs a little)  
Yeah. Like she needs a punch to the face to  
do that.  
(pulls away)  
I'm... I'm looking for Liv. Have you seen  
her?

JORDY  
She came by earlier for some weapons.

MAYA  
Why didn't you stop her?

JORDY  
(referring to bandage)  
Yeah... well...

MAYA  
She hit you?

She touches the bandage and he winces.

JORDY  
Actually, that's just from banging my head  
on the coffee table after she... uh, kicked  
me in the... Well let's just say I'm singing  
in a higher octave.

MAYA  
We've got to do something.

JORDY  
I tried that bald story thing, but that's  
when I got kicked.

MAYA  
(smiles)  
Well, then you didn't tell it right.

JORDY  
Obviously.

MAYA  
What about Mr. Harris?

JORDY  
(shaking his head)  
I don't think so. He won't come downstairs.  
His weird-o-vision has been going off the  
charts lately.  
(Off Maya's reaction)  
What?

MAYA  
Liv's Mom called the council. She thinks  
they're going to send someone to replace  
him.

JORDY  
Because of Brad?

MAYA  
Liv's freaking out. He's almost a  
vegetable, what would you do?

JORDY  
What can we do?

MAYA  
I'm going to go look for her...

JORDY  
I don't think that's a good idea. From the  
visions Mr. Harris has been having, there's  
something bad lurking out there.

INT. XANDER'S FIREHOUSE - BEDROOM

The African couple stand in front of Xander

MAN  
Die donker mensekind opgaan.

WOMAN  
Hoeveelste meer wil jou laat sterf?

XANDER  
Please. Leave me alone. I didn't know.

MAN  
Jou se haar lyk veileg!

WOMAN  
Die donker mensekind opgaan.

EXT. NEIGHBORHOOD - NIGHT

Vanessa gets out of her car and starts walking toward her  
house. On her nose is a very large bandage. Both her eyes show  
bruising.

VOICE(OS)  
Vanessa!

Vanessa turns to see BRAD standing up against the tree. Her  
eyes widen in shock.

BRAD  
Shh!

VANESSA  
But...

BRAD  
(smiles)  
I'm dead?

Vanessa nods silently.

BRAD  
That's what they want everyone to believe.

VANESSA  
The... The government?

Brad moves closer to her.

BRAD  
Oh... They're much bigger than that.

VANESSA  
You're... a spy?

Brad laughs. Vanessa nervously laughs with him.

BRAD  
You have no idea.

Brad lifts up her chin.

BRAD  
Pity about your nose.

VANESSA  
It's totally Fontaine's fault. If she hadn't  
been so wiggy, Maya would have never slugged  
me.

BRAD  
Ah, the freak. Yes. I still have to look her  
up and thank her for such a wonderful  
evening.

VANESSA  
You want to thank her?

BRAD  
She changed my life.

We hear the sound of someone clearing his throat. Vanessa looks  
over to see a group of vampires, game faces on, looking at Brad  
impatiently. One of them gives Brad a look, brings up his arm  
and taps his watch impatiently.

BRAD  
Don't mind them. They hate it when I play  
with my food.

Vanessa gives him a look of confusion which turns to horror as  
Brad morphs into his vamp face. Before she can scream Brad has  
grabbed her and sucked her dry. He casts her aside, wipes a  
little blood off his chin with his finger and then licks it off  
smacking his lips.

BRAD  
Do all cheerleaders taste this good?

The rest of the vampires give him a dirty look.

BRAD  
Oh relax. Both the slayer and the watcher  
are both on the nutty side and easy  
targets. There's no one on this side of the  
planet that can stop us.

INT. XANDER'S FIREHOUSE - MAIN ROOM

Jordy walks to the front door in response to the repeated  
knocking. He opens it to find everyone's favorite brit Giles  
standing on the front porch.

GILES  
Hello. I'm looking for...

JORDY  
(interrupting)  
Yeah, we don't want any.

GILES  
Oh, I'm afraid that you don't under...

Jordy shuts the door in Giles' face and walks away.

END ACT I  
Next

ACT II

EXT. XANDER'S FIREHOUSE

Giles is knocking at the front door again. Jordy opens and looks up  
at him like it is the first time he's seen him.

JORDY  
Can I help you?

GILES  
Yes, uh... I.. I'm looking for Xander  
Harris. He.. he does live here, correct?

JORDY  
Uh-huh

GILES  
I'm an old friend of his, do... do you mind  
if I come in?

JORDY  
Yeah... I don't think so.

GILES  
I beg your pardon?

JORDY  
Xander's not feeling well and isn't up to  
having any visitors.

GILES  
Well, that's why I'm here, actually.

JORDY  
Really.

GILES  
Yes.

JORDY  
That's too bad. I'll tell him you came by.

GILES  
Yes but...

Jordy shuts the door in his face again. Giles knocks on the  
door again. As the door opens we...

CUT TO:

EXT. FONTAINE HOUSE - FRONT DOOR

Lucy opening the door to her house and Liv marching past  
carrying a destroyed Kevlar vest.

LIV  
(flat)  
Hey.

LUCY  
Liv, where are you...

LIV  
Sorry. Forgot my key and I needed a new flak  
jacket.

LUCY  
What happened?

LIV  
Mushannu Nyork demon was tearing up a grave  
site.

LUCY  
Sweetie, I...

LIV  
I need to get a move on. Don't wait up.

LUCY  
No.

LIV  
Mom, I need to go to work.

LUCY  
No. You're not going anywhere young lady  
until we talk.

LIV  
Oh... That's original. Is this suddenly an  
after-school special?

LUCY  
Don't take that tone with me.

LIV  
Oh, that's a good one too. You want to tell  
me I'm grounded and then send me to my room  
without any supper?

LUCY  
(softly)  
It's not your fault.

Liv swallows hard. It takes all her control not to break down.  
She turns and gives her mother a hard look.

LIV  
Big talk from someone who killed my father.

Lucy's jaw drops open.

LIV  
What?! Did you think I'd never figure it  
out?! Did you think I'd never look it up?!  
Did you think I never noticed you locking  
yourself in your bedroom once a year to cry  
your eyes out?! So tell me! Is that my fault  
too?!!

Liv pushes her mother aside and runs out the door. Lucy slides  
down onto the floor sobbing.

EXT. XANDER'S FIREHOUSE - FRONT DOOR

Giles is still standing outside trying to convince Jordy to let  
him in. He's getting quite exasperated.

GILES  
I am not a vampire!

JORDY  
Sure, that's just what Jason Patric thought  
when that old guy from the Gilmore Girls  
wanted into his house.

GILES  
I... I.. I have no idea what you're talking  
about.

JORDY  
Inviting a vampire into your home renders  
you powerless against him.

GILES  
Well I know that. Look, I can prove I'm not  
a vampire just by walking into...

Giles takes a step toward the door. Jordy lets off one of his  
werewolf snarls, making Giles step back.

GILES  
There's no reason to get violent.

JORDY  
Says you.

GILES  
Look, I'm part of the Watcher's council, and  
I need to see him.

JORDY.  
Oh. Well, why didn't you say that in the  
first place?

GILES  
Well, I...

JORDY  
Can I see your badge?

GILES  
We don't have badges.

JORDY  
What about an ID card?

GILES  
I have a driver's license.

JORDY  
No Watcher's council ID card?

GILES  
We don't have ID cards! Why would we need ID  
cards?!

JORDY  
Well for occasions like this.

Giles sighs, removes his glasses and massages the bridge of his  
nose.

GILES  
Look, I appreciate what you're doing, but I  
can assure you that I'm here only to help  
Xander.

JORDY  
I...

GILES  
How long has it been since he slept?

A look of worry crosses Jordy's face.

JORDY  
About a week.

Giles and Jordy stand at the door now appraising each other in  
a different light.

INT. XANDER'S FIREHOUSE - BEDROOM

Xander lies on the floor, fetal position, disheveled and  
unshaven. He mutters to himself in a voice so low we can't  
hear. Giles and Jordy step forward and help him to his feet and  
then a chair. Xander's head rolls around until he finally  
focuses on Giles. His expression turns to one of hatred.

XANDER  
(with venom)  
Giles.

GILES  
Hello Xander.

XANDER  
This seems familiar.

GILES  
Yes it does.

XANDER  
Come to fire me... again?

Giles sighs and sits across from him.

GILES  
Xander, I think it's time you and I had a  
long talk.

XANDER  
He died. It was my fault.

GILES  
This isn't about the boy.

XANDER  
It is.

GILES  
You know better than that.

EXT. SAINT BUFALARI'S CAMPUS - FLASHBACK

Xander stands with Liv looking at Brad's dead body lying on the  
ground.

GILES(OS)  
Do you know today's date, Xander? Do you  
remember what happened on this date?

INT. XANDER'S FIREHOUSE - BEDROOM

XANDER  
Shut up. It's got nothing to do with her.

GILES  
I think you know it does.

XANDER  
It doesn't.

EXT. SOMEWHERE IN AFRICA

Xander stands alone, looking down at a dead African girl's body  
who is positioned almost like Brad's body.

XANDER  
(trying to convince himself)  
It doesn't.

INT. XANDER'S FIREHOUSE - BEDROOM

GILES  
It has everything to do with her.

XANDER  
You and I have talked enough.

GILES  
No. You had a one sided conversation with me  
three years ago and we haven't spoken since.

XANDER  
And when you finally decided you wanted me  
back, you send little Andrew to ask.

GILES  
Xander, you're twisting the circumstances.

XANDER  
Then what did happen?

Pongo the puppet, holding a tray containing a cup of tea comes  
up to Giles. Giles takes the cup and nods thanks. Pongo walks  
away.

GILES  
A slayer died Xander. It wasn't your fault.  
And you know that.

Giles does a double take as he realizes that a puppet just gave  
him a cup of tea.

XANDER  
She was my responsibility!

GILES  
These girls? They're all our responsibility,  
but it's also our job to put them in danger.

XANDER  
It's a crappy job.

GILES  
Out of all the people who work for the  
Watcher's council, I think you and I  
understand that better than anyone. When  
Lateesha died...

XANDER  
She didn't just die Giles.

GILES  
I... I know that.

XANDER  
She was butchered.

GILES  
I...

XANDER  
You didn't have to drive a stake through her  
heart and cut off her head before burying  
her in the ground. You didn't have to face  
her parents and explain what happened. You  
didn't have to watch her...

Xander's voice trails off...

GILES  
I know Xander.

XANDER  
You don't know! You didn't know a thing! You  
just came in with all your tweed and all  
your books and said...  
(imitating Giles)  
"Look Xander, it's time she fought on her  
own!"

GILES  
Xand-

XANDER  
So I did what you told me to do.

GILES  
(softly)  
I should have listened.

XANDER  
And I should've been with her!

GILES  
I'm... I'm sorry Xander.

XANDER  
What?

GILES  
I should have listened to you. I... I...  
(shakes head)  
As you get older Xander, you may find a day  
when the child you know has become an adult.  
Sometimes that exact day can become a little  
blurry. I should have listened. You knew her  
much better than I did. I should have  
trusted your judgment.

Giles takes off his glasses and rubs his eyes.

GILES  
I may not get visions, Xander, but I know  
what it's like to have dreams. Every night  
it's the same one. Where I try to pull girl  
after screaming girl from a meat grinder.  
Buffy. Kendra. Faith. Lateesha. Sometimes I  
see Dawn... Willow... you. I see you all  
there and I can't move fast enough to pull  
you all out.

Giles shudders and then looks up at Xander to see him looking  
back for the first time with sympathy.

XANDER  
I know that dream. Or something close to it.

GILES  
I suppose you do.

XANDER  
How do you get used to it?

GILES  
You don't. You just have hope. That and a  
lot of scotch usually does the trick.

XANDER  
(rubbing his eyes)  
It's only been three years?

GILES  
Xander... I know this is a bad time, but...  
I received a call yesterday.  
(beat)  
It's about Liv...

EXT. CAPE KENNETH CEMETERY

Liv is in full battle mode. Six vampires surround her and are  
taking turns beating the snot out of her. She takes three solid  
punches from one vampire before dropping down, dodging the  
final punch, delivering a vicious uppercut and finally a stake  
to the chest. A vampire charges her from behind and grabs her  
from behind, holding back her arms. Another vampire takes  
advantage of the moment and starts beating the crap out of her.  
Liv throws out a high kick to the vampire giving the beatings,  
knocking him back. Liv throws an elbow back into the solarplexus  
of the Vampire holding her. She then stomps on his  
instep, spins, delivers a blow to the vamp's nose and then  
stakes him in the chest.

The other vampire she had just kicked recovers and charges at  
her. Liv delivers a round house kick to him and spins around to  
stake another vampire charging into her.

She turns around in time to get two punches from another  
vampire which she had no time to block. She drops and sweeps  
the legs out from under him, rolls and stakes the vamp before  
popping back up from the ground. She ends up in front of  
another vampire who she punches twice, stakes and then spins  
around and stakes the final vampire charging in after her.  
Liv collapses against a grave stone, trying to catch her  
breath.

VOICE(OS)  
Such a shame.

Liv turns to see Brad standing right behind her. Her mouth  
drops open in shock.

BRAD  
Here I thought we had something special, and  
I see you dancing with other guys. I thought  
I was your boyfriend. Did homecoming mean  
nothing to you?

LIV  
(disbelief)  
Brad?

BRAD  
Not quite  
(vamping out)  
I've grown a bit.

Off Liv's horrified reaction we...

END ACT II

ACT III

EXT. CAPE KENNETH CEMETERY - MOMENTS LATER

Brad is still vamped out and slowly starts walking toward Liv.

BRAD  
How about it? One last dance?

LIV  
Oh god. No.

BRAD  
God has very little to do with this.

LIV  
No. It can't be.

Brad throws her across the grave yard where she lands hard  
against yet another grave stone.

BRAD  
Sorry about that. Just was hoping that we  
could end the melodrama.

Liv gets into a fighting stance as she and Brad circle around  
each other. Liv is in a state of shock.

BRAD  
Well it looks like we get that last dance  
after all.

Liv moves in with a series of martial arts moves that Brad  
easily deflects and with one kick sends her flying. She lands  
hard against a wall and cries out in pain.

BRAD  
Now... you see, if you had paid attention to  
what I was saying when I was training you  
instead of giving me those puppy dog eyes,  
you might be able to defend yourself.

LIV  
Shut up. You're not him.

BRAD  
Oh I am. Just much better.

Brad delivers a series of martial arts moves that are so slick  
Liv can't block any of them. Finally Brad has her up  
against the wall where he proceeds to beat the snot out of her.  
Just as she is about to drop, Brad pins her against the  
cemetery wall and puts his face and body right up close to  
hers.

BRAD  
Come on Liv... One last kiss?

Brad buries his teeth into Liv's neck. Liv can't summon the  
strength to fight him. Brad begins to suck away at her neck.

MAYA(OS)  
Hey Brad, you want a kiss?

Brad turns away from Liv with blood on his fangs to see MAYA  
with a super-soaker 2000 water gun.

MAYA  
Pucker up.

Maya blasts away at Brad's face who immediately begins to  
sizzle. Brad screams in pain, drops Liv and backhands Maya.  
She falls over a gravestone and loses her grip on her squirt  
gun.

BRAD  
You bitch!

Brad's handsome complexion now looks like someone threw acid on  
him.

BRAD  
You're going to pay for that.

As Brad begins to lunge at Maya...

XANDER(OS)  
You always beat up little girls Brad?

Xander jumps forward and swings his sword at Brad as he jumps  
back out of the way.

BRAD  
Shouldn't you be off somewhere crying your  
eyes out?

XANDER  
Here's the thing. One eye. One tear duct.  
You get the crying done in half the time.

Xander lunges and manages to stab Brad in the abdomen. Brad  
screams in pain. Xander pushes forward with the sword only to  
have Brad sweep his leg under Xander, making Xander fall on his  
back and tossing his sword into the air. Brad grabs Xander's  
sword and quick puts its point at Xander's throat.

BRAD  
Do you really think you can beat me?

XANDER  
No... but he might.

Jordy, in full werewolf mode pounces on Brad. Jordy attacks him  
with full ferocity. Brad fends him off, but manages to give as  
well as he gets until...

BRAD  
Down doggy!

Brad gives him a swift roundhouse kick to the head that sends Jordy  
flying with a dog like yelp.

BRAD  
Is that all you...

A stake flies through the air which Brad catches just at the  
right moment before it enters his chest. He turns to see Liv,  
standing, with another stake at the ready.

BRAD  
Liv? Does this mean we're breaking up? I  
thought we could go to the prom and re-enact  
the scene from Carrie.

LIV  
You're not Brad. I can take you.

BRAD  
Newsflash, freak. I'm more than you can  
handle.

GILES(OS)  
Maybe so, but can you defeat all of us?

Giles steps behind Liv, carrying a crossbow. Maya joins them  
with her supersoaker, Jordy stands on the other side of Liv in  
partial werewolf mode and Xander pulls himself off the ground  
behind Liv and dazingly looks out in the opposite direction  
that everyone else is facing. Giles helpfully spins him around.

BRAD  
Well aren't we one big happy family?  
(scowls)  
I hate family.  
(smiles)  
Oh, well. I got what I came for...

Brad throws Liv's stake through the air, embedding itself in  
Giles' chest. He falls to the ground.

XANDER  
Giles!

BRAD  
Uh-Oh! Looks like grandpa's got a sucking  
chest wound!

As the group turns to help Giles, Brad takes off like a bat out  
of hell, (excuse the pun) laughing like a maniac. Liv turns to  
run after him but is held back by Xander.

LIV  
He's getting away!

XANDER  
You don't know who or what he has with him.  
Giles is hurt and we need to get him to a  
hospital.

GILES  
I think I'm all right.  
(moves and is struck with pain)  
Okay... maybe not.

LIV  
But...

XANDER  
(gently)  
It's not your fault.

Liv looks at him and tears begin to roll down her cheeks. As  
she begins to sob quietly, Xander pulls her into a hug.

XANDER  
This happens. This is always going to  
happen. This is what evil does. They hit the  
people you care about when you least expect  
it. You can't control what happens. You just  
have to deal with the results.

GILES  
Ah... Well said, but I appear to be  
bleeding?

Xander sighs and lets go of Liv. He helps Giles to his feet.

Maya and Jordy check out Liv.

MAYA  
You okay?

LIV  
He only bit me a little bit. I'm already  
healing. I'm okay... Thanks to you guys.

MAYA  
What are friends for?

JORDY  
Yeah, this is just a typical Thursday night  
for me. Thank God, Mr. Harris Tivo's the OC.

Liv laughs and starts to cry again. Maya starts to cry to and  
they hug each other. Jordy rolls his eyes and starts walking  
off with Xander who now has Giles up and leaning against his  
shoulder.

XANDER  
Wouldn't be an adventure without you getting  
wounded some how, "Grandpa".

GILES  
Indeed, and please... Never call me that  
again.

END ACT III

ACT IV

EXT. FONTAINE HOUSE - FRONT PORCH

Liv opens the front door to find Xander and Liv waiting for  
her. Liv stands behind Xander as though he was a shield.

LUCY  
Liv?

LIV  
Mom... I...

Xander pushes her forward.

LIV  
I...

Lucy rushes forward and hugs her daughter. Liv begins to sob.

LIV  
I'm sorry!

LUCY  
I am too sweetie.

LIV  
I should have...

LUCY  
Shh.

Liv continues to cry.

LIV  
I'm sorry.

LUCY  
It's okay. You're only grounded until your  
twenty-five.

Liv laughs while she cries. Lucy looks up at Xander graciously.

XANDER  
Hey.

LUCY  
Hey yourself. Look at you with the walking  
and talking thing.  
(To Liv)  
Go inside. We have a lot to talk about young  
lady.

LIV  
How much trouble am I in?

LUCY  
We'll talk about that in due time.

LIV  
(walking into the house)  
Aw crap.

Lucy and Xander just look at each other for a beat or two.

XANDER  
I'm sorry. I wasn't there for you or Liv.  
That wasn't part of the deal we made.

LUCY  
Willow called. She filled me in. I'm  
sorry... I didn't know.

They slowly come together into an embrace.

XANDER  
How are you for third, fourth and fifth  
chances?

Lucy smiles.

LUCY  
For the first time in two weeks I have my  
daughter back. You can have all the chances  
you need.

They kiss.

INT. XANDER'S FIREHOUSE - MAIN ROOM - TWO DAYS LATER  
Giles sits on a sofa reading an old and dusty book. Xander  
comes down from upstairs.

XANDER  
Well, look at you up and about. Reading a  
book no less.

GILES  
Yes, A few more days and I should be tip-top  
again.

XANDER  
What's the book? How to survive being  
stabbed?

GILES  
It's actually a translation of Ibonek Naw  
Ibo's literary works and poetry.

XANDER  
Ah... the prophecy guy. Any good?

GILES  
Pretty wretched, actually. He was quite  
insane you know. Spent most of his time  
writing his visions of the future on the  
library walls of his study. Along with dirty  
limericks.

XANDER  
Why you reading it?

GILES  
Based on your reports, I started looking  
through here to see if I could find anything  
regarding your consul, the vizier or Sacul.

XANDER  
Anything worthwhile?

GILES  
Well, in one of his... what could be  
described as an extended limericks, he  
talked of an elite group of bringers of the  
first who were so loyal that  
they were made into living embodiments of  
the attributes the First valued most.

XANDER  
Why haven't we run into them before?

GILES  
We have.

Xander shivers.

XANDER  
Caleb.

GILES  
He represented zealotry, which as you know  
may not be bad, necessarily, but taken in the  
wrong manner...

XANDER  
You could lose an eye. I get it.

GILES  
Ah... Yes. Of course. Some of these elite  
formed into a group called the Consul of  
Sacul Egroeg, including the attributes of  
Malice, Wrath and Hatred.

XANDER  
Lovely. So what does Brad have to do with  
it? Why him?

GILES  
I found one reference to a champion. I'm  
afraid it doesn't make too much sense,  
actually.  
(starts searching through the book)  
Once you filter out all the prophecies about  
a utopian world which rains lemonade and  
cats and dogs have telepathy, even the  
snippets of truth have to be questioned.  
Here we go...  
(reading)  
The daughter whose son and sire have  
reclaimed their prize, either by misfortune  
or trial, will give birth to the dark one.  
Once the dark one has tasted the blood of  
the chosen, he will become the champion of  
Sacul and will unleash hell on earth.  
(stops reading)  
There's more but... uh, you get the gist.

XANDER  
Hell on earth. That old chestnut.

GILES  
Xander, I...

XANDER  
I know Giles. I know. I've really made a  
mess out of things, haven't I?

GILES  
Xander... there's something you must know  
about what happened when you came back from  
Africa.

Giles sits down across from Xander, wincing slightly.

GILES  
It was never my intention to let you go from  
the watcher's council.

XANDER  
But I...

GILES  
You were inconsolable. I... tried to help  
but... being around all the other slayers...

XANDER  
It didn't help me.

GILES  
No... I've been there Xander. After Buffy  
died... the uh, second time that is... I  
know how that feels. So when you resigned...

Xander nods.

GILES  
I thought it was the best thing for you. I  
just hoped sooner or later you would come  
back to us on your own. When you were ready.

XANDER  
You? You... wanted me back?

GILES  
You've always underestimated yourself and  
your value Xander. Don't think I haven't  
noticed all you've done for us over the  
years.

Xander chuckles to himself.

XANDER  
Giles, You don't know how funny that  
sounds coming out of your mouth.

GILES  
You don't know how funny it is to  
say it.

Xander laughs and Giles joins in, wincing in pain.

Suddenly Xander stops short.

GILES  
What?

Xander doubles over and grabs his head, screaming in pain.

GILES  
Xander? What's wrong?

Xander recovers and leans back against the couch.

XANDER  
(weakly)  
"The daughter whose son and sire have  
reclaimed their prize"?

GILES  
You... you know what that means?

XANDER  
I do. Unfortunately.

INT. CONSUL'S SANCTUM

Brad is licking his wounds as the Vizier looks on.

BRAD  
That bitch. If it wasn't for her little  
friends...

VIZIER  
You were unwise to approach her so soon. The  
consul is not happy.

BRAD  
I got what I needed. Just a taste is all I  
had to get, right?

VIZIER  
Yes, but the Consul has it's own plan to...

Brad throws the Vizier across the room.

BRAD  
Details! Details! Details! I got the blood.  
I'm the champion. Why are you bothering me  
with details?

WOMAN'S VOICE  
There, there poppet. Don't let the little  
spiders that crawl around in your head get  
jumpy.

Drusilla steps out from the shadows and gently strokes Brad's  
face...

DRUSILLA  
Mummy's here to make it all better.


	10. Bloodlines

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Just when Xander thinks it can't get any worse with Drusilla running around town, Captain Peroxide and Dead-boy show up to make life even more interesting.

TEASER

INT. ST. BUFALARI'S GYMNASIUM - HOMECOMING - FLASHBACK  
Brad stands in the middle of the gym with Maya. Demons are  
flooding in. Water from the sprinkler systems is falling from  
the ceiling causing vampires to burst into dust. Brad looks  
down at Liv with a confused look.

LIV  
Better go now before it gets too crazy.

BRAD  
What's going on?

LIV  
The forces of hell are attacking homecoming.

BRAD  
What?

LIV  
Go. Now.

Brad hesitates. Liv gives him a look of longing.

LIV  
Oh... What the hell!

Liv grabs Brads tie, pulls him down and gives him one big  
passionate kiss.

XANDER(OS)  
Liv! A little help here!

Liv lets Brad go and gives him a devastating smile.

LIV  
Go. Now.

And with a quick spin, she turns around and decapitates a  
charging Ypoog demon.

Brad's eyes widen and he dives out an emergency exit.

EXT. SAINT BUFALARI'S CAMPUS  
A couple of people are hanging outside the emergency exit and  
greet Brad.

PERSON  
You okay Brad?

BRAD  
(smiles)  
You bet. Hell of a night, huh?

PERSON  
Buddy. You don't know the half of it.

The group of people slowly begin to surround Brad.

BRAD  
Do I know you guys?

PERSON  
No... but we know you.

They all vamp out and roughly grab Brad, holding him in place.

BRAD  
What the hell?!

WOMAN'S VOICE  
The prince of hearts has come to dance with  
me.

Drusilla steps out of the shadows and walks up to Brad and  
gently caresses his face. Brad struggles to get away

DRUSILLA  
Promise not to run? I don't like it when they  
run.

BRAD  
Who are you?

DRUSILLA  
Shhh. The shadow that follows you round and  
round will be with you soon. You walk in  
worlds you are not aware of yet, waiting to  
be awakened and connected.

BRAD  
What!?

DRUSILLA  
I've been so lonely. I've lost my father and  
my sweet knight. The red one's say that you  
would be an excellent consort.

BRAD  
I'm really sorry lady, I don't know what the  
hell you talking about.

Dru puts finger on Brad's lips, shushing him.

DRUSILLA  
Shhh... Look at me dearie.

She waves two fingers in front of Brad's eyes and begins to  
hypnotize him. He no longer struggles against the other  
vampires. They let go of Brad and step away.

DRUSILLA  
Be... in my eyes. Be... in me

Brad is completely under her spell. Drusilla touches his face  
and leans in. They kiss passionately. She pulls away from Brad,  
who is completely enraptured. She vamps out.

DRUSILLA  
Will you be my everything?

BRAD  
(dazed)  
Yes...

She bears fangs and bites into Brad's neck drinking deep. Brad  
barely cries out in pain and his cries quickly turns into moans  
of pleasure as Dru drains his life away.

Dru pulls away from Brad, who is barely alive. Brad falls to  
his knees. Dru slashes her wrist and holds it up for Brad to  
drink. As he begins to drink from her, she moans in pleasure.

DRUSILLA  
Oh... Good Night, sweet prince.

Brad dies and falls back onto the ground.

DRUSILLA  
When you awake the three will be waiting. Do  
not sleep too long for the skies are calling  
for you my prince of hearts.

Dru kisses Brad on the forehead and disappears into the night.

MAYA(VO)  
I don't get it.

INT. ST. BUFALARI'S SCHOOL - HALLWAY  
Maya and Jordy are leaning up against the locker wall as Liv  
pulls out her books.

MAYA  
It's like that creature where you cut of the  
head and it grows another one instantly.

LIV  
Hydra.

MAYA  
That's it.

ANGLE ON:

A group of cheerleaders. All the cheerleaders are in uniform  
and are wearing black arm bands. HALEY, the new head  
cheerleader is... well leading the discussion.

HALEY  
Okay, girls. I know this is a difficult  
time, but it's up to us to keep the spirit  
alive. I want each of you to work on the  
memorial wall in honor of Brad and Vanessa  
and together we can start the healing.

ANGLE ON:

Maya and Liv. Maya is disgusted.

MAYA  
Memorializing Brad and Vanessa? Who would  
have thunk? Look at Haley... She's already  
taken on Squad captain and Vanessa is barely  
in the ground and she hated Brad with  
vengeance.

Liv closes her locker and the odd squad starts walking off to  
class.

LIV  
I'd rather not think about it.

MAYA  
Sorry.

LIV  
S'okay. It's just... weird.

MAYA  
Weird? You battle creatures of the night.  
One of your best friends is a werewolf. You  
hang out with a one-eyed man and a living  
puppet. And to top it off your homecoming  
date became a vampire who's destined to  
unleash hell on earth.

JORDY  
Olivia Fontaine. Master of the  
understatement.

LIV  
Again... with the not-thinking.

MAYA  
Right. Sorry.

Jordy stops in front of a door.

JORDY  
This is me.

MAYA  
That's not your class. That's the exit.

JORDY  
This is me skipping class.  
(kisses Maya's cheek)  
Later.

Maya smiles and looks over at Liv who's laughing silently at  
her.

MAYA  
What?

LIV  
You're all glowy.

MAYA  
Shut up.

LIV  
It's just fun to see you go from bad ass to  
sweetie-pie.

MAYA  
Shut up! Like, you never felt that way  
before.

LIV  
Not lately. Not since... the not-thinking  
about it.

MAYA  
Liv? I hate to say this... but sooner or  
later you are going to have to think about  
it.

LIV  
Yes but when I think about it, the questions  
start. Why him? Why now?

XANDER(VO)  
Why Drusilla?

INT. XANDER'S FIREHOUSE - MAIN ROOM

Xander sits on the couch. Pongo the wonder puppet sits next to  
him with the remote control surfing the tv.

PONGO  
Reply hazy.

XANDER  
Sorry. Do you know why it is Drusilla?

PONGO  
Yes.

XANDER  
So this whole thing was planned?

PONGO  
It is certain.

XANDER  
By the Vizier?

PONGO  
My reply is no.

XANDER  
By the consul?

PONGO  
Signs point to Yes.

XANDER  
(sighs)  
This is not good.

Pongo apparently has found a show he likes and he puts down the  
remote and sits back on the couch.

PONGO  
It is certain.

XANDER  
Wonderful.  
(looking at the tv)  
Passions? Are you kidding me?

PONGO  
My reply is no.

XANDER  
There's only one other person I know who's  
ever watched this show...

EXT. HIGHWAY - DAY

A road sign: CAPE KENNETH - 100 MILES.

An old Dodge Desoto FireFlite zooms by the sign, its windows  
heavily tinted.

INT. DODGE DESOTO

The tinted windows cast a gloomy darkness, hiding the features  
of the driver.

A thrash version of Frank Sinatra's "My way" is playing. A  
scarred hand turns the volume up and then pulls out a cigarette  
lighter from the pocket of a tattered leather duster.

MUSIC  
I plan each charted course  
Each little step along the highway  
And more, much more than this

The lighter ignites and lights the cigarette of the driver,  
briefly illuminating the face of SPIKE

It's not the face we're familiar with. Two large scars criss  
cross his entire face. He inhales the cigarette smoke deeply.

MUSIC  
I did it my way

Spike exhales the smoke.

SPIKE  
Got your invite, love...

We pan over to the passenger's seat where we see a small doll  
whose eyes have been stuck with over two dozen needles.

SPIKE  
...but I'm not quite sure where to  
send the RSVP.

END TEASER

ACT I

INT. A DRESS SHOP  
Drusilla is modeling a new dress in the mirror. Brad sits on a  
counter top bored out of his mind.

BRAD  
That's like the seventh dress you've tried  
on tonight. Why do even you bother with the  
mirror? You can't see your reflection.

DRU  
The shiny glass whispers to me and tells me  
of what's to come. Pst! Pst! Pst!

BRAD  
Does it now? Mirror, Mirror on the wall...  
What does it tell you.

DRU  
That I must look my best. The king of fools  
and his grandson are coming to punish me and  
I've been a very naughty girl. They want to  
come and pull the worms from my head.

BRAD  
I don't understand.

DRU  
Do I look pretty?

Brad jumps down off the counter and embraces Dru from behind.

BRAD  
You look deadly.

Dru smiles a wicked grin as Brad starts to kiss the back of her  
neck.

BRAD  
So what is this king of fools nonsense all  
about?

DRU  
They want to end our playtime together.

BRAD  
Well we can't let that happen now can we?

Brad spins Dru around and throws her up against the wall.

DRU  
Ooo. You naughty boy.

Brad softly touches her face.

BRAD  
Let's leave. I'm hungry.

DRU  
You just ate.

BRAD  
The old woman tasted of Lysol and lavender.  
I want something fresh.

Dru giggles and claps her hands.

DRU  
Can we have crumpets and cakes? Daddy would  
be so pleased if we had crumpets and cakes.

BRAD  
We'll have anything you want.

Brad and Dru begin to kiss as we...

CUT TO:

EXT. CAPE KENNETH CEMETERY

Liv and Maya walk through the cemetery together. Liv is in her  
standard patrol gear, and Maya wields her mighty super soaker  
2000\. The walk through the rows of tombstones. Off on one side  
a homeless man mutters to himself as he sits huddled against a  
grave. Liv and Maya ignore him.

LIV  
Thanks for coming tonight.

MAYA  
No problem. It's either this or another  
night of conjugating Latin. I think I made  
the right choice.  
(beat)  
Why do vampires hang out in cemeteries? It's  
not like there's a lot of foot traffic here.

LIV  
Don't know.

MAYA  
I mean who comes to a graveyard in the  
middle of the night?

LIV  
You mean other than you and me?

MAYA  
Well... yeah. But wouldn't they go to a...

Liv stops and holds up her hand.

MAYA  
What?

LIV  
(whispering)  
Shh! I think we're being followed.

Liv and Maya look around but there is no one to be seen.

MAYA  
I don't see anyone.

LIV  
I could have sworn I heard someone. C'mon,  
let's keep moving.

They continue to walk.

MAYA  
What was I talking about?

LIV  
Vampire foot traffic.

MAYA  
Right. I mean the Orange Julius at the East  
side mall gets better action than this  
place.

LIV  
True, and I bet the people at the Orange  
Julius taste fruity-licious.

MAYA  
And why do vampires always explode into  
dust? Couldn't they explode into a  
moisturizing cream with a touch of  
exfoliant?

Liv gives Maya a look like she's crazy.

MAYA  
What? I can't be weird for a change?

Liv stops in her tracks and looks around.

MAYA  
Now what?

LIV  
I heard something.

MAYA  
What?

Suddenly a vampire pops out of the ground.

LIV  
Oop! We got a fresh one.

Maya jumps back and starts pumping her super soaker. Liv  
charges in with fists flying. She does a one two punch  
combination followed by a roundhouse kick which the vampire is  
able to catch and then throw Liv off balance. He follows up  
with a couple of punches on his own which Liv is able to block  
off. She throws another punch, followed by another kick and  
just as she is about to stake him when Maya blasts away with  
her oversize squirt gun, hitting Liv in the face instead of the  
vamp.

LIV  
Hey!

MAYA  
Sorry!

The vampire takes the opportunity and runs for it.

LIV  
Crap!

Maya and Liv start chasing after the vampire who already has a  
good lead.

MAYA  
He's getting away!

The vampire laughs as he looks behind to see how far away he is  
getting, only to run directly into the homeless man. The man  
punches the vampire twice and throws him against a headstone.  
The vampire jumps up and does a spin kick which the man ducks  
under and sweeps the leg, knocking the vampire to the ground.  
The vampire rolls and pops up behind the homeless man and  
throws a punch followed by a round kick, which the man dodges  
and follows with a punch combination.

Liv and Maya stop just short of the homeless man and the  
vampire's fight. Maya aims her squirt gun at them.

MAN  
Stake!

LIV  
What?

The homeless man takes two punches to the head. He kicks back  
the vampire and holds out his hand to Liv.

MAN  
Throw me a stake!

Liv pulls out a stake and tosses it to the Man who catches it,  
drops down to avoid another punch-kick combo from the vampire.  
He then lunges in with a stake to the vampire's chest before it  
can recover, dusting him. The Man straightens up and turns to  
the girls.

MAN  
You let him get away.

LIV  
I would've got him.

MAN  
Are you both slayers?

Liv and Maya exchange a suspicious look.

LIV  
Who's asking?

MAN  
I just killed your vampire. I think that  
buys me an answer.

LIV  
(raising her hand)  
I'm the slayer.

MAN  
(to Maya)  
What are you?

MAYA  
I'm the plucky comic relief. Who the hell  
are you?

MAN  
A friend.

LIV  
How do we know that?

The man steps forward and we see the familiar features of our  
old buddy Angel. Like Spike, he too has a scar running from the  
top of his head down the right side of his face.

ANGEL  
I didn't say I was your friend. Where's your  
watcher?

INT. FONTAINE HOUSE - KITCHEN  
Xander and Lucy are having dinner. Xander is totally on another  
planet... mentally.

LUCY  
So then Jeff started going off on how he  
always runs the meds through the same tubing  
and I'm like...

Lucy notices that Xander is zoned out.

LUCY  
Throw me on the bed Jeff and show me what a  
real man is.

XANDER  
Uh-huh.

LUCY  
(snapping her fingers)  
Sparky. Wake up.

XANDER  
Huh?

LUCY  
I'd say your mind is a million miles away,  
but that would probably be a understatement.

XANDER  
Sorry. Thinking about...

LUCY  
That vampire chick running around town?

XANDER  
Drusilla. She's like Queen of the damned  
without all the humanity

LUCY  
What else do you know about her?

XANDER  
Not a lot. She's approximately 150 years  
old. Crazy. Has visions about the future.  
Killed a lot of people. Did I mention crazy?

LUCY  
You did.

XANDER  
Yeah, that about sums up everything I know.  
The council has records of her... pretty  
much killing lots of people in Europe.  
Nothing on why she's here or what connection  
she has with the Consul.

LUCY  
There's no one else you can ask?

Xander sighs.

XANDER  
One person. I was just hoping it wouldn't  
come to that.

EXT. THE ALLEY BEHIND DOUBLE MEAT PALACE

Clem nervously walks through the dark alley. He jumps as he  
hears a clatter from behind him.

CLEM  
Who's there?

SPIKE steps into sight.

SPIKE  
Hello Clem.

CLEM  
Spike? Is that you?

SPIKE  
In the flesh.

CLEM  
I heard you bought the big one when  
Sunnydale did the whole implosion thing.

SPIKE  
I was the whole implosion thing.

CLEM  
Wow. This brings back a lot of memories.  
Dark alleys. Weird town. Like old times.

SPIKE  
Too much like old times.

CLEM  
What brings you to the Cape?

SPIKE  
Looking for my Ex.

CLEM  
Drusilla? I haven't heard a thing about her.  
But there's a guy here from the old days who  
might be able to help you.

SPIKE  
I know who he is. Just hoping it wouldn't  
come to that.

EXT. XANDER'S FIREHOUSE - FRONT DOOR  
Jordy opens the door to see Spike standing there.

JORDY  
Can I help you?

SPIKE  
I'm looking for Xander.

JORDY  
(interrupting)  
Sorry, we don't want anything to do with  
vampires.

Jordy slams the door in Spike's face.

SPIKE  
Bullocks.

END ACT I

ACT II

EXT. XANDER'S FIREHOUSE - FRONT DOOR

Spike is hammering on the door. Jordy opens it with a straight  
face.

JORDY  
Can I help you?

SPIKE  
You better if you bloody well want to live!

JORDY  
Is there a problem?

SPIKE  
I'm looking for Xander, and if you value  
your life you won't slam the door in my  
face.

JORDY  
He's not here.

SPIKE  
Where is he?

JORDY  
Yeah... You know what? Not going to tell  
you.

SPIKE  
Why the bloody hell not?

JORDY  
Not my style.

SPIKE  
Do you know who I am?

JORDY  
A vampire who's watched too much Monty  
Python?

SPIKE  
The name's Spike. I'm a vampire with a soul.  
A good vampire.

JORDY  
Oh... Why didn't you say so?

Spike visibly relaxes.

JORDY  
Xander told me exactly what to do if you  
showed up.

Jordy slams the door in Spike's face.

SPIKE  
Bloody Hell!

INT. FONTAINE'S HOUSE - KITCHEN

Lucy is cleaning up the plates as Xander talks on his cell  
phone.

XANDER  
So what did you do?  
(listens... then chuckles)  
Okay. Good. Check with Pongo to make sure  
it's safe and then let him in. We'll be  
right there.

Xander hangs up the phone.

LUCY  
What was that about?

XANDER  
Looks like the expert I was looking for  
dropped by for a visit.

LUCY  
Who is he?

XANDER  
Spike.

LUCY  
Spike? Sounds like a gay porn star.

XANDER  
He's a Vampire.  
(Off Lucy's reaction)  
With a soul. Before that he had a long and scary  
relationship with Drusilla before he  
joined our team.

Xander reaches for his coat and puts it on.

LUCY  
Vampires can have souls? That makes a  
difference?

Lucy puts on her coat.

XANDER  
In this guy's case, just barely.  
(sees Lucy with her coat on)  
Where do you think you're going?

Lucy walks out the back door.

LUCY  
With you.

XANDER  
I don't think so.

LUCY(OS)  
Try and stop me, Sparky!

Xander shakes his head and follows her out the door.

INT. XANDER'S FIREHOUSE - KITCHEN

Jordy and Pongo sit back as Spike rummages through Xander's  
refrigerator.

JORDY  
(sarcastic)  
Please. Feel free to make yourself at home.

SPIKE  
So who exactly are you?

JORDY  
No one of consequence.

SPIKE  
Got bit a of a mouth on you, don't you kid?

JORDY  
Yep.

SPIKE  
How do you know Xander?

JORDY  
I'm his ward. But not in the Batman-Robin  
homosexual context.

Spike moves to a different section of the fridge.

SPIKE  
(frustrated)  
Don't you guys keep any blood on tap for  
guests?

JORDY  
Yeah... because that's an everyday shopping  
list kind of thing.

Spike pulls out one of Jordy's bottles of potions.

SPIKE  
(uncorking it)  
What's in th... whew!

JORDY  
The taste is... pretty much the same.

SPIKE  
Bloody hell. You drink this stuff?

JORDY  
Not by choice.

SPIKE  
My eyes won't stop watering.

ANGEL(OS)  
Never thought I'd see the day you'd have a  
good cry.

Spike looks up to see...

CUT TO:

ANGEL standing in the main room flanked by Liv and Maya with  
confused looks on their faces.

SPIKE  
Day's not over yet, Nancy-boy.

LIV  
Who's that?

JORDY  
That's Spike. He's a vampire with a soul.  
Who do you have?

MAYA  
Angel. Vampire with a soul.

LIV  
(to Angel)  
I thought you said that this was a rare  
thing.

ANGEL  
Well...

PONGO  
It is certain.

Angel jumps at the sight of Pongo.

LIV  
(annoyed)  
I didn't ask you!

ANGEL  
What is... that doing here!?

JORDY  
That's Pongo the wonder puppet.

SPIKE  
What's the matter? 'Fraid of wee little  
puppet man?

LIV  
(sotto)  
I know how you feel.

ANGEL  
I'm not afraid of puppets!

SPIKE  
Ahh... That's no way to treat wee little  
puppet man. Pongo, go give Angel a hug.

PONGO throws his arms out wide and runs to Angel.

PONGO  
Yes! Definitely!

ANGEL  
Oh come on.

Angel winces in disgust as Pongo throws his arms around Angel's  
waist and places his head against Angel's hip. Spike guffaws.

ANGEL  
(to Spike)  
I hate you.

SPIKE  
Feeling is still mutual.

Xander and Lucy enter the Main Room from the back entrance.

XANDER  
All right, Spike! What are you doing here...

Xander sees Angel for the first time and stops in his tracks.

XANDER  
With... him.

SPIKE  
I'm with myself. He's just along for... What  
are you doing here?

ANGEL  
(greeting)  
Xander.

XANDER  
(greeting)  
Dead boy. Somebody want to explain why there  
are now TWO vampires in my house?

LIV  
He said he had a soul.

XANDER  
Did you check?

MAYA  
How are we supposed to check if he has a  
soul? Give him a prostate exam?

Xander shakes his head.

XANDER  
Pongo?

PONGO  
Yes. Definitely.

ANGEL  
(to Pongo)  
You can stop hugging me anytime now.

Pongo reluctantly lets go. Xander walks toward Angel and the  
rest of the group.

XANDER  
I thought you were dead.

ANGEL  
After we destroyed the Circle of the Black  
thorn, I went underground. I thought it best  
to let everyone think I was dead.

LIV  
Circle of the Black Thorn?

MAYA  
Sounds like a bad movie starring Christopher  
Walken.

ANGEL  
They were an elite demon society. Wolfram &  
Hart's instruments of evil on earth.

SPIKE  
Used to be the most powerful group for  
badness on this plane of existence.

Xander catches a whiff of Angel.

XANDER  
Whew! Speaking of badness, exactly what  
ground were you under?

ANGEL  
Been living on my own for some time now. I  
haven't had the resources that some people  
had.

SPIKE  
Hey, that was your choice. Me?

Spike pulls out a necklace with a weird sort of charm on the  
end.

SPIKE  
Picked up something from the Liz Taylor  
collection. Keeps me off their radar.

XANDER  
Well I have a pretty good idea of why you're  
here, but I'd like to know how you found out  
about Drusilla's latest adventure.

Spike pulls out the doll that was in his front seat of his car  
and tosses it on the table.

SPIKE  
Got invited. One of Drusilla's favorite  
dolls with a postmark from Cape Kenneth.

JORDY  
Well that's not creepy in the least.

XANDER  
Do you know why she's here? Or where she is?

SPIKE  
Was hoping you might be able to tell me  
that.

ANGEL  
I can hazard a guess.

Angel pulls out his own little trinket.

ANGEL  
Had this made a few years back. Keeps track  
of my descendants. About a month ago it lit  
up like a house on fire and led me here.

SPIKE  
Dru turned someone?

XANDER  
Yeah. A kid name Brad Valentine.

Spike and Angel exchange a look.

XANDER  
What?

ANGEL  
Dru never chooses someone at random.

SPIKE  
She's a bit picky about who she turns.

Xander gives him a look.

SPIKE  
What's that look supposed to mean?

XANDER  
Nothing. Anyhow, Giles did the research  
thing and came up with a prophecy where he's  
supposed to hook up with this "Consul of  
Sacal", become their champion and unleash  
hell on earth.

SPIKE  
Ah... Hell on earth. That old chestnut.

XANDER  
Do you guys know anything about the Consul?

SPIKE  
Nope.

ANGEL  
Rumors, really. Supposed to be behind every  
major evil event that has ever happened.  
What can you tell us about this kid?

MAYA  
Star athlete.

JORDY  
Major ego.

LIV  
5'11". Blond. Dated the entire cheerleading  
squad. Favorite Color: Blue. Favorite Movie:  
Bloodsport...

Maya rolls her eyes.

LIV  
What?

MAYA  
When was Brad on the cover of Tiger Beat?

LIV  
Shut up.

ANGEL  
What about his family?

LIV  
No brothers or sisters.

MAYA  
I think his parents are divorced. He just  
lives with his mom.

LUCY  
I met his Mom a couple of times at the PTA  
meetings. She always creeped me out.

XANDER  
Demonic?

LUCY  
Stepford.

ANGEL  
What about the father?

LUCY  
I think they divorced a long time ago. I've  
never met him.

JORDY  
I think he's be a lawyer. I remember him  
bragging one time about his dad being a  
senior partner.

Spike and Angel visibly react.

XANDER  
Somebody been slipping caffeine into your  
pig's blood?

Lucy, Maya and Liv make looks of disgust.

XANDER  
You guys seem a little jumpy.

SPIKE  
What's this bloke's name?

XANDER  
Brad Valentine.

LIV  
Bradley Hart Valentine.

SPIKE  
Bloody hell.

ANGEL  
Could be a coincidence.

LUCY  
What is?

ANGEL  
That demonic law firm we were talking about?  
One of the senior partners goes by the name  
"Hart".

XANDER  
Pongo? Is Brad connected to Hart?

PONGO  
Reply Hazy. Ask again later.

XANDER  
Which is puppet speak for "I have no  
freakin' clue".

SPIKE  
What's with puppet man here?

XANDER  
Remember that eight ball you guys gave me?  
That's the eight ball.

A/N: Confused? Check out Closure sometime.

ANGEL  
Weird.

LIV  
Tell me about it.

MAYA  
So what does this have to do with the  
vampire chick?

ANGEL  
I don't know.

SPIKE  
I do.

Everyone looks at Spike.

SPIKE  
Blood.

XANDER  
What? You hungry?

SPIKE  
(pointing at Angel)  
No, I'm talking about his grandsire and my  
great-great grandsire.

ANGEL  
The Master.

JORDY  
You guys are related to Lee Van Cleef?

Everyone gives Jordy a look of confusion.

JORDY  
What? Too obscure?

Xander shakes his head in amusement.

XANDER  
The Master was a vampire.

ANGEL  
One of the oldest vampires who ever existed.

SPIKE  
Angel, Dru and Me? Direct descendants.

LIV  
And now Brad.

MAYA  
Man, this rabbit hole just keeps getting  
deeper and deeper.

LIV  
What should we do?

XANDER  
We need to find out more about Brad's family  
and background.

MAYA  
Hey Liv, where's that issue of Tiger Beat?

LIV  
Shut up!

ANGEL  
Spike and I will track down Dru. She's the  
only one who can give us any kind of  
information on why this is happening.

SPIKE  
You wouldn't happen to know of any abandoned  
gothic mansions in town? Maybe an abandoned  
factory?

XANDER  
Liv, I need you to get more personal  
information about Brad and his family.

LIV  
How am I supposed to do that?

MAYA  
I've got an idea.

INT. VALENTINE MANOR - FRONT DOOR  
Mrs. Valentine, your typical rich woman with lots of plastic  
surgery, opens the front door to See Xander, Lucy, Maya and  
Liv. Maya and Liv are dressed up like cheerleaders. Liv is  
obviously not happy about it.

MAYA  
Hi Mrs. Valentine! My name is Haley. I  
talked to you earlier about putting together  
a memorial for Brad?

Maya sees that Liv is not in the moment. She elbows Liv who  
immediately puts on a fake smile.

END ACT II

ACT III

INT. VALENTINE MANOR - FOYER

MRS. VALENTINE  
Come in girls. I can't tell you how much  
this means to me.

MAYA  
Well Mrs. Valentine, Brad was very special  
to us. Right Liv?

LIV  
(Acting like an Airhead)  
For sure, Haley! Mrs. Valentine, I think  
you've met my mother and Mr. Harris.

MRS. VALENTINE  
I have. It's very nice to see you again.

LUCY  
We just felt that it was important to come  
down and give our condolences.

MRS. VALENTINE  
Girls, I left some of Brad's personal  
effects upstairs in his room. Why don't you  
go take a look at them while we have some  
coffee?

LIV  
(Over exuberant)  
Let's go Haley!

Everyone gives Liv a strange look as Maya and Liv start walking  
up the stairs together.

MAYA  
(sotto)  
Kind of overselling it, aren't you? We're  
undercover. We're not supposed to bring  
any undue attention to ourselves.

LIV  
(sotto)  
You'd know what I'd like to undo some  
attention to? My butt. These skirts barely  
cover it.

MAYA  
That's the basic idea, Worm.

LIV  
You know that cheerleading is a complete  
throwback to the feminist movement.

MAYA  
You can be a feminist and still shake your  
booty.

LIV  
Yeah. Right. I see Gloria Steinem on Soul  
Train all the time.

INT. CAPE KENNETH SEWER SYSTEM

Spike, Angel and Jordy walk the sewers. Angel has cleaned  
himself up and has his spiky little 'do again.

SPIKE  
Seems kind of silly cleaning up and then  
taking a dive into the sewers.

JORDY  
At least he smells better.

ANGEL  
I told you, I went underground.

JORDY  
Not literally though, right?

ANGEL  
No.

JORDY  
Because in that Anne Rice novel...

ANGEL  
It doesn't work that way.

JORDY  
Oh. That's good to know.

SPIKE  
Why exactly is small fry tagging along?

JORDY  
I'm good in a fight.

SPIKE  
Against what? A good stiff wind?

JORDY  
I can hold my own.

SPIKE  
You and what bleedin' army?

ANGEL  
He's a werewolf, Spike.

SPIKE  
You're a werewolf?  
(to Angel)  
How do you know he's a werewolf?

ANGEL  
I just know.

SPIKE  
And what good does a werewolf do us when  
there's no full moon.

JORDY  
Like I said... I've got skills.

SPIKE  
Bloody hope so.  
(to Angel)  
You sure you know where you going?

Angel waves his charm which is glowing and pulsing a certain  
way.

ANGEL  
Trust me. This works.

SPIKE  
So what... You got that thing to keep track  
of me and Dru?

ANGEL  
Not quite. Just happened to work that way.

SPIKE  
Then who's it for?

ANGEL  
Not your problem, Spike. C'mon let's get a  
move on.  
(Beat)  
So... um...

SPIKE  
Ask the question.

ANGEL  
You and Buffy?

SPIKE  
(shakes his head)  
No.

Angel smiles.

SPIKE  
Gave me this whole stupid speech about...

ANGEL  
Cookie dough?

SPIKE  
Oh bloody hell. She gave me the same speech  
as you?

JORDY  
What's wrong with cookie dough?

INT. VALENTINE MANOR - KITCHEN

Mrs. Valentine serves coffee to Xander and Lucy.

LUCY  
You can't believe how shocked I was when I  
heard the news.

MRS. VALENTINE  
I know. It's weird. There are times when the  
doorbell rings and I half expect him to be  
at the door when I answer it.

XANDER  
(A little panicky)  
Well if that happens, you shouldn't let him  
in!

Mrs. Valentine gives Xander a strange look while Lucy rubs her  
forehead as though she's in pain.

XANDER  
Because... that would be...

LUCY  
A dream.

XANDER  
Right. A dream. And if you let him back that  
would be like...

LUCY  
Not letting him go.

XANDER  
Right. That would be... bad.

MRS. VALENTINE  
I've never heard that.

XANDER  
It's a Freud thing.

Mrs. Valentine gives them a look of confusion.

MRS. VALENTINE  
Can I get you some more coffee?

XANDER  
Please.

As Mrs. Valentine turns away as Lucy smacks Xander's head.

XANDER  
What?

INT. VALENTINE MANOR - BRAD'S ROOM

Liv and Maya poke through Brad's stuff

MAYA  
What exactly are we looking for?

LIV  
Something demonic.

MAYA  
And we're supposed to find that here?  
(checks under bed)  
Among his...  
(steps back)  
Eww!

LIV  
Did you find something demonic?

MAYA  
No. Just Brad's porn collection.

LIV  
Eww.

Maya looks over a shelf of several dozen trophies featuring  
martial arts.

MAYA  
I never realized that Brad won so many  
tournaments.

LIV  
Certainly gives him an edge now.

MAYA  
I thought all vampires were supernaturally  
good at that stuff.

LIV  
Apparently what the human host knows carries  
over.

MAYA  
Host?

LIV  
Technically Brad's body is possessed by a  
demon. Hence "host".

MAYA  
Huh.

LIV  
What?

MAYA  
(thinking)  
Just had an idea, that's all.

LIV  
Share much?

MAYA  
Not yet. It's kinda screwy.

INT. MAUSOLEUM

It's your typical dark and scary place. Candles flick strange  
light on multiple coffins and crypts.

Drusilla dusts off the top of a stone crypt and lays out a  
table cloth on top of it.

DRUSILLA  
I know a beetle...

She places a couple of candles on top of the table cloth and  
lights them.

DRUSILLA  
That lives down the drain...

She lays out a set of four dishes

DRUSILLA  
Its coat's very slimy...

She lays out the utensils.

DRUSILLA  
But terribly plain....

She puts down a coffee service...

DRUSILLA  
When I take a bath...  
It comes up the pipe...

She sets out a delicious looking cake.

DRUSILLA  
Together we wash...  
Together we wipe...

SPIKE(OS)  
Hello Dru.

Drusilla turns to see Spike, and Angel standing at the entrance  
of the Mausoleum.

SPIKE  
Lovely spread you have here.

INT. VALENTINE'S KITCHEN

LUCY  
It must be so hard on his father too.

MRS. VALENTINE  
Oh he passed on a long time ago. He would've  
loved to see how Brad has grown up.  
(sighs)  
I know that Brad is gone, but in many ways I  
know that he lives on...

Xander spews coffee everywhere. Lucy gives him a look of  
disgust. Mrs. Valentine gives him a strange look.

XANDER  
What?!

MRS. VALENTINE  
In.. my heart.

XANDER  
Wow! What hot coffee! Really hot. Sorry.

The doorbell rings.

MRS. VALENTINE  
Excuse me, I should get that...

LUCY  
We'll just clean up here.

MRS. VALENTINE  
Thank you. You're so kind.

Mrs. Valentine leaves.

LUCY  
Really smooth there, Sparky.

XANDER  
Sorry.

LUCY  
What do you think?

XANDER  
Seems pretty normal to me. I think Angel and  
Spike were way off on this.

INT. VALENTINE MANOR - FOYER

Mrs. Valentine opens the door to find Haley in her cheerleader  
uniform.

HALEY  
Hi Mrs. Valentine! My name is Haley. I  
talked to you earlier about putting together  
a memorial for Brad?

MRS. VALENTINE  
I don't understand. Are there two girls  
named Haley on the squad?

HALEY  
No.

MRS. VALENTINE  
Well then who's upstairs going through  
Brad's things?

HALEY  
Maya!

ANGLE ON: Maya and Liv at the top of the steps with a box of  
Brad's trophies and memorabilia.

LIV  
Uh-oh.

MAYA  
They're onto us Mugsy.

Haley marches in past Mrs. Valentine.

HALEY  
You weren't supposed to be working on the  
memorial wall! That was my project! Mine!

MRS. VALENTINE  
Girls... what were you doing upstairs?

LIV  
Uh... we were...

Suddenly the front door slams as if under it's own power. Mrs.  
Valentine's eyes begin to glow red.

MRS. VALENTINE  
(guttural)  
It's not nice to snoop around in other  
people's home.

Haley turns to Mrs. Valentine and begins to scream.

INT. MAUSOLEUM

Dru continues to set out trays of cakes and... well body parts.

ANGEL  
Long time no see.

DRUSILLA  
Not since you and grand mummy were very  
nasty to each other.

SPIKE  
You shouldn't have made a fuss. Since we're  
here to torture you for information and then  
kill you.

Drusilla claps her hands and giggles happily.

DRUSILLA  
Oh... I've been a naughty girl. I made your  
favorite...  
(holds up a plate of human fingers)  
Ladyfinger?

ANGEL  
Jordy. Now.

Jordy jumps out from behind a pillar, partially transformed,  
and grabs a hold of Drusilla and immobilizes her. Drusilla  
hisses and struggles

DRUSILLA  
No! No puppies allowed! Bad dog!

JORDY  
Woof.

Angel pulls out a sword and points it at Drusilla neck. She's  
begins to giggle excitedly. Jordy holds her steady.

ANGEL  
I promise you Dru, this is going to hurt you  
much more than it's going to hurt me.

DRUSILLA  
(gleefully)  
Daddy's angry. We mustn't make Daddy angry.

SPIKE  
That's right, love. Maybe you could tell us  
a little us a little bit about your new  
little boy.

DRUSILLA  
Tsk. Tsk. Tsk. My little Spike is a little  
jealous.

SPIKE  
Now, now love. Don't make us cut off your  
fingers.

ANGEL  
Just tell us all we need to know about your  
new boyfriend.

VOICE(OS)  
Or...

Spike and Angel turn toward the voice.

ANGLE ON:  
Brad leaning up against the entrance of the mausoleum.

BRAD  
You can just ask him yourself.

END ACT III

ACT IV

INT. VALENTINE MANOR - FOYER

Haley is still screaming as Xander and Lucy run into the room.  
Mrs. Valentine backhands Haley and sends her flying into a  
wall. Haley makes a nice size dent in the wall and falls to the  
floor unconscious.

XANDER  
Oh crap.

MRS. Valentine rushes toward them, now sporting some nasty  
demon like teeth. Lucy screams. Xander pushes her behind him.

Liv grabs a large trophy, dives over the railing, flips and  
lands on her feet in front of Xander. Wielding the trophy like  
a club, she swings and buries the end of the trophy into The  
demon Mrs. Valentine's head, dropping her like a sack of  
potatoes. Xander and Lucy look at the body in shock.

LUCY  
So that demonic connection thingy?

XANDER  
Yeah. I may gave been a little too hasty on  
that.

INT. MAUSOLEUM

Brad steps forward from the entrance.

BRAD  
You got questions? I've got answers.

Angel and Spike charge Brad at the same time. Jordy takes  
Drusilla and bashes her head against the wall, knocking her  
out.

Angel swings his sword at Brads head. Brad ducks.

BRAD  
You want to know  
(Hits Angel in the gut knocking him back)  
about what the consul needs  
(spins into a roundhouse kick knock Spike  
back)  
with my blood link to the Master?

ANGEL  
It'd be nice.

Angel throws a punch which Brad dodges and uses the momentum to  
throw Angel into the wall. Jordy charges him.

BRAD  
It's all about  
(uses Jordy's momentum and throws him into  
Spike)  
the hellmouth.  
(dodges another series of punches from Angel  
and deliver his own with each syllable of  
the next sentence)  
Or. at. least. the. start. of. a. new. one.

Brad throws another roundhouse kick, sending Angel flying  
across the room. Spike jumps in and slams Brad into the wall.

SPIKE  
Like to talk do you? Tell me about your  
father.

Brad head butts Spike and follows with another series of...

BRAD  
Just  
(punch)  
another  
(kick)  
case  
(punch)  
where  
(punch)  
nepotism  
(Large kick which send Spike flying)  
pays off for the mighty Brad.

Jordy leaps through the air at Brad. He ducks and Jordy ends up  
flying into a wall with a yelp.

BRAD  
Bad Doggy.

Spike charges in with a series of punches which Brad blocks.

SPIKE  
Brad? That's your name? Kind of prissy don't  
you think?

Spike throws a roundhouse kick, which Brad catches and uses it  
to throw him off balance and into a wall.

BRAD  
Oh, what's in a name?

Angel charges Brad from behind. Brad sidesteps out of the way  
and lays in a few good punches. Spike presses the advantage and  
lays in a few good punches

SPIKE  
I like mine. Kind of cool, you know.

Brad grabs Spike's next punch and throws him into a recovering  
Jordy.

BRAD  
You mean "Spike"? Sounds like you're  
compensating for something.

Brad spins around and delivers another kick to Angel's  
midsection.

BRAD  
And what about Angel? If that's not a prissy  
name.

Angel slowly gets up and squares off against Brad

ANGEL  
Works for me.

Angel and Brad trade a couple of blows, which Angel seems to be  
getting the worse of. Spike throws Brad against the wall.

SPIKE  
Got to admit Angel. It's a bit Nancy-boyish.

Brad ducks as Spike throws a punch. Spike ends up punching a  
hole in the wall. Brad hits Spike hard in the gut and then  
slams him up against the wall. Jordy tackles Brad from behind  
and holds him still.

BRAD  
Boys. Boys. Boys. I thought we were going to  
fight, not talk.

SPIKE  
Whatcha think we've been doing?

BRAD  
Me? I'm just playing.

Brad throws off Jordy and delivers a swift boot to his head.

Jordy flies into the wall head first and goes down unconscious.

Spike suddenly appears from behind Brad and is able to grab  
hold him.

SPIKE  
Now!

Angel springs up with the stake and is about to go in for the  
kill when...

BRAD  
You sure you want to do that?

Angel hesitates for just a moment.

BRAD  
Think hard Angel. You take me down... what  
you fought behind your little hotel is just  
the beginning.

ANGEL  
Threatening a vampire with death is pretty  
silly when you think about it.

SPIKE  
Yeah... the first time was actually kind of  
fun.

BRAD  
I don't think Connor would feel the same  
way.

Angel stops cold.

SPIKE  
What the hell is he talkin' about?

BRAD  
Ever wonder why they still live? Nina?  
Lorne? Buffy? Connor?

SPIKE  
Who the hell is Connor?

ANGEL  
My son.

SPIKE  
Your what?!

Brad slams Spike against the wall, knocking Spike's grip loose.

Brad dusts himself off nonchalantly.

BRAD  
Stay out of this, "Champion", and the senior  
partners' won't touch them. You come back  
into the game... they don't stand a chance.

SPIKE  
You think a little blackmail is going to  
stop us?

BRAD  
You think we don't know about you? About who  
you care for?

Spike looks at him and snarls.

BRAD  
That's the bad thing about having a soul,  
boys. You just can't hack the sacrifice. For  
vampires... you might as well be toothless.

Angel smashes his fist into Brad's face. Brad just smiles in  
return.

BRAD  
That was a freebie. The next one is going to  
cost you.

Brad picks up Dru's unconscious body and gives Spike and Angel  
one last grin before he walks out.

BRAD  
Get your asses out of Cape Kenneth boys.  
This town belongs to a new generation of  
evil.

INT. XANDER'S FIREHOUSE

Spike, Jordy and Pongo sit on the Sofa, watching TV.

JORDY  
Did you know that the pool is only four feet  
deep?

SPIKE  
What? Sod off. Look at Summer... she's  
treading water.

JORDY  
She's on her knees. Right Pongo?

PONGO  
It is certain.

SPIKE  
You bloody poofs take the fun out of  
everything.

ANGLE ON:

Xander and Angel are sitting in the kitchen.

ANGEL  
I know it's not much information.

XANDER  
It's enough to start looking. Now that we  
know that Brad wasn't exactly human to begin  
with...

ANGEL  
It wasn't enough.

XANDER  
It's a start. So... Where to next?

ANGEL  
Not sure. Probably best to stay out of the  
limelight.

Xander reaches into his coat and pulls out an envelope.

XANDER  
This should help.

Angel tentatively takes the envelope.

ANGEL  
Are you sure...?

XANDER  
Take it. Develop some regular bathing  
habits. I beg you.

ANGEL  
I'll pay you back.

XANDER  
Don't worry about it.

ANGEL  
You're really enjoying this aren't you?

XANDER  
What? Me giving Dead boy money and lording  
it over him? Perish the thought.

ANGEL  
Listen... Jordy told me about the visions...  
do you know where they came from?

XANDER  
As weird as this may sound they came from...

ANGEL  
Cordelia.

XANDER  
Yeah.

ANGEL  
How's the pain?

XANDER  
It's... It's there.

ANGEL  
All the time?

XANDER  
Not at first, but lately...

ANGEL  
See a doctor. Then find someone else to give  
them to.

XANDER  
What?

ANGEL  
Humans aren't supposed to have this power.  
The one's that do...

XANDER  
Is this what killed Cordelia?

ANGEL  
(sighs)  
No, but the damage that it did cause...

XANDER  
Is there another way?

ANGEL  
There was... but in the long run, it cost  
too many lives.

As Xander ponders this...

ANGEL  
I better go. I've been here too long.

XANDER  
Don't think I'm liking you now or anything.

ANGEL  
Wouldn't have it any other way.

Angel throws on his pack and starts walking toward the door,  
past the television watching crew.

SPIKE  
Be seeing you Nancy.

ANGEL  
Spike.

JORDY  
Hey, Angel.

Angel turns and looks at Jordy.

JORDY  
Go see her. Tell her cookie dough is best  
eaten raw.

Angel is struck with the thought and smiles.

ANGEL  
I'll do that.

Angel leaves.

SPIKE  
Bloody hell! You couldn't just tell me that?

JORDY  
You're not her type.

SPIKE  
You don't even know her, ya poof!

JORDY  
A guy knows these things. Right Pongo?

Before Pongo can answer, Spike clamps down on Pongo's mouth.

SPIKE  
If you want to keep your stuffin' on the  
inside you better not answer that question.

PONGO  
Mmmpph!

INT. CONSUL SANCTUM

The three consul members stand on their usual points of the  
triangle. Drusilla stands in the middle.

CONSUL #1  
Your little "family reunion" almost cost us  
our champion.

DRUSILLA  
Such bad little boys they were.

CONSUL #2  
Now the Watcher knows about his connection  
with the senior partners and the order of  
Aurelius.

DRUSILLA  
Mean little men. Gave them their puppet and  
now they are angry.

CONSUL #3  
You were told not to interfere.

DRUSILLA  
They want to take away the singing in my  
head.

CONSUL #1  
Because we still need you... consider this a  
warning.

All three consul members raise their arms and begin to chant.

DRUSILLA  
No! No! No!

Energy wraps around Dru as she begins to scream in pain. The  
energy snakes around her body and lifts her into the air. It  
wraps around her throat, around her head and into her eyes.

DRUSILLA  
My eyes!

Suddenly the energy stops and Drusilla falls to the ground. Dru  
begins to whimper quietly.

CONSUL #1  
Remember...

GO TO BLACK

CONSUL #1(VO)  
this was just a warning.

END ACT IV


	11. Sacrifice

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> While Xander deals with side effects of his visions, the big bad makes its big move

TEASER

EXT. CAPE KENNETH CEMETERY - NIGHT

Liv walks among the tombstones dressed in her traditional  
battle fatigues. She pulls out her pda/cell and punches in a  
code.

LIV  
(on phone)  
Squirrel to Moose. Squirrel to Moose. Come  
in Moose.

MAYA  
(filtered)  
Why are you calling me a moose?

Liv laughs.

LIV  
I was trying to reach Mr. Harris. Believe  
me, I don't like being the squirrel. What  
are you doing there?

MAYA  
(filtered)  
Research.

A vampire suddenly bursts through the ground half-way.

LIV  
Hang on a sec.

Liv tosses a stake through the air directly into the vampire's  
chest, dusting him. Liv continues.

LIV  
Now would research include sitting alone  
with your boyfriend and watching TV?

INT. XANDER'S FIREHOUSE - MAIN ROOM

Maya and Jordy sit on the couch all cozy watching the TV.

TV  
(filtered)  
Especially important is the warning to avoid  
conversations with the demon. We may ask  
what is relevant but anything beyond that is  
dangerous. He is a liar. The demon is a  
liar. He will lie to confuse us.

MAYA  
It's still research.

JORDY  
Watching "The Exorcist" is research?

LIV  
(filtered)  
I heard that.

MAYA  
Trust me. It's research. Besides we're not  
alone.

We pull back to see Pongo sitting on the other side of Maya,  
munching on a big bag of popcorn. Technically since Pongo has  
no throat, he's throwing popcorn in his mouth, smashing it up  
and throwing it everywhere.

MAYA  
We have a puppet chaperon.

Liv laughs hysterically over the phone.

MAYA  
Sure. Laugh it up while you still...

XANDER(OS)  
OWWW!

MAYA  
Hang on. I think Mr. Harris has something  
for you.

Xander pads down from his apartment looking groggy and in pain.  
Maya hands him the phone.

XANDER  
Liv?

LIV  
(filtered)  
Moose?

XANDER  
There's four ypoog demons hanging out at the  
mauseolum.

LIV  
(filtered)  
On my way.

Xander collapses onto a chair.

MAYA  
You okay Mr. Harris?

XANDER  
I'm all right.

A little bit of blood begins to trickle out of Xander's nose.

JORDY  
Mr. H?  
(points to his own nose)  
Nosebleed.

Xander touches his nose and looks at the bloodstained  
fingertips.

JORDY  
That ever happen before?

Xander grabs his head, screams and collapses to the floor. Maya  
and Jordy jump up and rush to his side.

MAYA  
Mr. Harris?!

Xander's eye has rolled up in his head. Xander moans in  
response.

JORDY  
Oh this can't be good.

CUT TO:

EXT. A GRASSY FIELD - DAY  
It's a beautiful sunny day. A twisted and gnarled oak tree  
stands in the middle of the field. Xander sits up from the  
ground and looks around in confusion.

XANDER  
Ooooo-kay. Where am I?

FEMALE VOICE (OS)  
No where really.

Xander turns to see CASSIE (Episode 7.4, "Help") standing  
behind him.

XANDER  
I know you. You're...

CASSIE  
Cassie. I'm glad you remember.

XANDER  
Am I...

CASSIE  
No, you're not dead or dying this time. I'm  
just here to be your guide.

 

XANDER  
Why not Cordelia?

CASSIE  
Thought it might be good to skip the  
arguments.

XANDER  
Oh you mean because she forgot to tell me  
how the visions cause brain damage?

CASSIE  
Exactly. Gotta tell ya, don't miss those headaches at  
all.

XANDER  
Still... when you see her next time, a slap in  
the face from me would be nice.

CASSIE  
I'll see what I can do. Can we skip to the  
chase here?

Cassie waves a copy of Oedipus Rex she has in her hand.

CASSIE  
I just got to the part where the Oracle is  
refusing to tell Oediputz that he killed his  
father and slept with his mother.

XANDER  
Well I hate to keep you waiting. Why am I  
here?

CASSIE  
I have to show you something.

XANDER  
What?

CASSIE  
This.

Suddenly, day turns into night. What was once a peaceful field  
is now dark and eerie. Xander turns and sees a large mob of  
people dressed as puritans.

XANDER  
What's going on?

CASSIE  
Watch.

PREACHER  
Those folk with weak stomachs or faint of  
heart! This is not the place to be!

Young girls are being tied to large stakes. The girls are  
crying and wailing hysterically. Men with burning torches light  
the bonfires at the girls' feet.

Xander moves to stop them, Cassie holds him back.

CASSIE  
You are only seeing. You cannot help them.

XANDER  
Then why am I here?

CASSIE  
To witness a horrendous act of humanity.

PREACHER  
For the crimes of witchcraft...

Xander turns and sees the preacher's face for the first time.

CALEB  
The punishment is is to be burned at the  
stake!

Behind Caleb stand the three Consul members in their Red  
Cloaks. The girls behind them shriek and cry out in pain as the  
fires grows hotter and closer.

INT. CAPE KENNETH MEMORIAL HOSPITAL - HOSPITAL ROOM

Xander jolts out of the bed, looking like a complete mess. An  
IV tube is stuck in his arm.

XANDER  
(Looking around)  
What the...?

LUCY(OS)  
Xander?

Lucy rushes to his bedside and hugs him like there's no  
tomorrow.

XANDER  
Lucy?

LUCY  
I thought I'd never see you again.

XANDER  
(chuckles)  
You act as though you haven't seen me in a  
week.

Lucy releases him and gently touches his face.

LUCY  
Try two.

XANDER  
What?

Lucy hesitates. Xander gets serious.

XANDER  
What?

LUCY  
You were in a coma for two weeks.

Xander looks at her in disbelief. He looks around towards the  
foot of the bed to see:

INT. HOSPITAL ROOM - XANDER'S POV

Cassie sits in a chair with her feet up against the end of the  
bed. She looks up from the book she's reading (still Oedipus  
Rex) and looks at Xander with a benign look.

CASSIE  
About time you woke up.

Off Xander's expression we...

GO TO BLACK

END TEASER

ACT I

INT. THE MAUSEOLUM

Drusilla lies on top of a crypt whimpering and moaning. Brad  
and The Vizier stand off to the side.

DRUSILLA  
Where are they?

BRAD  
What did they do to her?

VIZIER  
I told you she would be punished.

DRUSILLA  
Why do they no longer sing?

BRAD  
Who? Who no longer sings?

DRUSILLA  
They don't like me anymore.

BRAD  
What did they take from her?

VIZIER  
Obviously not her mind, because that was  
already gone.

Brad strikes the Vizier across the face.

VIZIER  
Striking me? Is that your solution to the  
problem?

BRAD  
Tell me what they did to her.

VIZIER  
They took the thing that was most dear.

BRAD  
And what was that?

VIZIER  
Her precognizance.

BRAD  
Her visions?

DRUSILLA  
The stars no longer sing and I cannot talk  
to the man in the moon.

BRAD  
Why is she reacting so badly?

VIZIER  
There's only one thing worse than having the  
visions.

BRAD  
What's that?

VIZIER  
Losing them.

INT. CAPE KENNETH HOSPITAL - EXAMINATION ROOM

Xander sits on an examination table trying to keep his gown  
from displaying inappropriate body parts. Lucy is giving Xander  
an evil glare.

XANDER  
What is with these gowns? It's like the  
Marquis de Sade designed this.

Lucy continues to give him an evil glare.

XANDER  
What?

LUCY  
Why didn't you tell me about the headaches?  
Or the nosebleeds?

XANDER  
I didn't want you to worry.

LUCY  
I'm a freakin' nurse! It's my job to take  
care of people! To make sure they take care  
of themselves! I can't even take care of my  
own boyfriend!

XANDER  
Well there's just been this looming  
apocalypse! I can't just give this up!

LUCY  
Why not?!

XANDER  
I can't! What'll happen to you? Or to Liv?  
I can't do that!

LUCY  
Why?!

XANDER  
Because I love you! Because I love your  
daughter! And if I lose this I can't protect  
you or her!

LUCY  
Well I love you too, but what good is that  
going to do me when you're dead?!

XANDER  
You love me?!

LUCY  
YES!

XANDER  
That's... That's the first time we've said  
that.

LUCY  
Yes.

Xander stands up and takes Lucy into his arms.

XANDER  
I'm sorry.

LUCY  
Me too.

XANDER  
I'm sorry I didn't tell you sooner.

LUCY  
Me too.

They hold each other tight.

CASSIE(OS)  
Ahhh. How cute!

Xander looks over in the corner to see Cassie sitting in yet  
another chair still reading Oedipus Rex.

CASSIE  
Sorry. Didn't mean to interrupt.

Xander shakes his head.

LUCY  
What?

XANDER  
We're not alone.

Lucy looks around and does not see Cassie.

LUCY  
Um.. Honey? Are you... ?

CASSIE  
She can't see me.

XANDER  
I gathered that.

LUCY  
What?

XANDER  
(sighs)  
Apparently I have an invisible spirit guide  
helping me today.

CASSIE  
That sounds about right.

LUCY  
(sighs)  
A long time ago, I accepted the fact that we  
would never have a normal relationship. So  
whoever this invisible person is, please  
avert your eyes.

Lucy hugs and plants a big kiss on Xander. Xander gently breaks  
off the kiss.

LUCY  
What?

Cassie is in the corner with her eyes covered.

CASSIE  
Yeah I'm not looking.

XANDER  
It's not that it's more of the hospital gown  
on with uh... no secrecy thing.

Lucy looks down.

LUCY  
Oh.

Lucy giggles.

Dr. Carver enters the room, sees the couple and politely clears  
his throat. Lucy and Xander disengage themselves.

DR. CARVER  
Hello, Mr. Harris. Lucy.

XANDER  
What's up doc?

Dr. Carver and Lucy just look at him.

XANDER  
Not feeling the funny today?

DR. CARVER  
Mr. Harris, believe me. This is anything but  
funny.

Dr. Carver turns on a computer monitor in the room and pulls up  
a CAT scan.

DR. CARVER  
This is the CAT scan we took of your head  
when you came in the ER approximately six  
months ago after being mugged.

XANDER  
Got to tell you doc, just looks like a bunch  
red blobs.

DR. CARVER  
That's what it's supposed to look like. But  
this...

He changes the display on the monitor. The picture of Xander's  
head? Much uglier.

DR. CARVER  
This is some majorly bad juju.

XANDER  
Is that the medical term?

DR. CARVER  
What we are seeing here is a wide spread  
neuro-electrical deterioration in the  
occipital lobe. These green areas? They're  
dead areas of your brain. I've never seen a  
case like this happen so fast before. I've  
also never seen anyone walking and talking  
with this kind of scan.

LUCY  
I think I like the other term better.

Cassie leans in and looks at the monitor.

CASSIE  
Wow. I wonder if that's what my noggin  
looked like toward the end.

XANDER  
So... So... how do we fix this?

DR. CARVER  
Xander... There's not even a name for what  
you have, let alone a cure.

LUCY  
Oh god.

DR. CARVER  
Look. Let me run some more tests. I can  
contact some specialists I know who work out  
of the Mayo clinic. Maybe we can figure out  
what is going on and come up with a  
treatment.

CASSIE  
No.

LUCY  
That sounds like a good idea.

CASSIE  
No. You have to discharge yourself today.

Xander looks at Cassie. Dr. Carver and Lucy look where Xander  
is looking and then look at each other in puzzlement.

DR. CARVER  
Mr. Harris?

CASSIE  
You have to discharge yourself and go to  
work. Today.

XANDER  
Um..

Lucy sees the look on his face.

LUCY  
Oh no. Don't say it.

XANDER  
Can I leave today? I... I need to be  
someplace.

LUCY  
No.

DR. CARVER  
Mr. Harris... I really don't think that  
someone in your condition...

XANDER  
Look... as soon as this is done... I'll be  
right back.

Dr. Carver sighs and throws his hands up in the air.

DR. CARVER  
This is a really bad idea.

XANDER  
But it's my choice.

DR. CARVER  
(disappointed)  
I'll get the paperwork drawn up.

Dr. Carver leaves. Lucy is trying to keep herself from crying.

LUCY  
So is this how it works? I tell you that I  
love you and you decide to risk your life  
because some invisible person is telling you  
to.

XANDER  
You know I don't have a choice.

LUCY  
You do have a choice!

Xander gently takes Lucy into his arms and she silently cries  
into his shoulder.

XANDER  
I don't. I'm sorry, but I don't.

LUCY  
I know. I just wish...

XANDER  
I do too.

CASSIE  
I'm sorry Mr. H, but we don't have much  
time.

EXT. CONSTRUCTION SITE

Lucy's Jeep pulls up to the site. Xander and Lucy get out and  
look over the construction. The site is a muddy mess with signs  
of excavation going on, but no one appears to be working.

LUCY  
What's this supposed to be?

XANDER  
The new municipal building.

LUCY  
What are we looking for?

Xander is staring off into the distance.

XANDER  
I'm not sure.

EXT. CONSTRUCTION SITE - XANDER'S POV

A group of construction workers are circled around an open  
ditch. Behind them is the gnarled oak tree from Xander's  
vision.

Cassie stands in front of the workers, looking at Xander.

XANDER  
Come on.

Xander and Lucy walk toward the circled workers.

XANDER  
Hey guys.

Mr. Banyan turns to see Xander and Lucy. He comes over and  
gives Xander a warm slap on the shoulder.

MR. BANYAN  
Harris. You're alive.

XANDER  
So to speak. What's going on?

MR. BANYAN  
Big Problem. Jackasses over at Blue didn't  
deliver the trencher, so the boys had to dig  
it manually and they found this...

Mr. Banyan gestures to the ditch. Xander and Lucy move forward  
an look down to see three skeletons. Charred.

Xander jumps down into the ditch.

MR. BANYAN  
Harris! What the hell are you doing?

Xander looks up to see Cassie shaking her head.

CASSIE  
We're too late.

XANDER  
They were already dead.

MR. BANYAN  
What the hell are you talking about?

LUCY  
He's... ah... still a little loopy.

MR. BANYAN  
He's always loopy.

Cassie shakes her head and walks away. Xander leans over and  
touches one of the skeletons. He then grabs his head and  
screams in pain.

EXT. THE FIELD - NIGHT

The girls are burning at the stake, screaming. Around each of  
their necks are metal crosses strung with cord.

EXT. THE DITCH

Xander recovers and looks around on the bodies. The crosses are  
gone.

XANDER  
Was anybody else down here?

The construction crew gives non-committal answers.

XANDER  
Did anybody take anything?!

The construction crew again grumbles non-committal answers.  
Xander looks up at Lucy.

XANDER  
This is not good.

ANGLE ON:

A crew member leaving the throng of people surrounding the  
ditch. As he walks away his image shimmers and turns into the  
Vizier. The Vizier holds up his hand to show the three metal  
crosses the girls wore around their necks. He smiles, snaps his  
fingers and disappears.

END ACT I  
ACT II

INT. XANDER'S FIREHOUSE - MAIN ROOM

Xander and Lucy walk into the room. Xander is tackled by Liv as  
soon as he enters.

XANDER  
Ufff!

LIV  
Omigod! Are you okay?

XANDER  
Liv... Slayer strength...

Liv releases her hold so Xander can breathe again.

LIV  
You're okay, right? No more comas or  
nosebleeds?

Xander and Lucy share a look. Xander gives Liv a pat on the  
back and a smile.

XANDER  
I'm fine. Now...

Pongo runs up waving his arms excitedly and hugs Xander.

PONGO  
Outlook good!

XANDER  
Hi Pongo. Now will someone please tell me  
what happened here?

INT. XANDER'S FIREHOUSE - MAINROOM

The place is completely trashed with books and arcane objects.  
Maya and Jordy are still looking through books.

MAYA  
We've been in research mode trying to figure  
out a way to get you out of a coma.

LIV  
Ms. Rosenburg said that it was probably best  
to wait and see, but we decided to be sure  
just in case.

JORDY  
Didn't find anything on the coma, but we  
found a really cool way to get rid of warts.

MAYA  
We also found a reference to Brad opening  
the hellmouth.

XANDER  
You did? Where?

LIV  
The council sent along a new translation by  
a student of Ibonek's

MAYA  
Nikana something.

LIV  
Nikana Reklawyks.

MAYA  
Whatever. It tells how Brad is supposed  
to do it. Unfortunately it's heavy on the  
metaphor.

XANDER  
Well as long as you guys are in research  
mode... What can you tell me about Cape  
Kenneth's foray into witch burning?

LUCY  
What?

XANDER  
My knock out weird-o-vision? It was about a  
witch burning session that happened on the  
construction site a long time ago by... by  
someone pretty bad.

LIV  
Anyone who grew up here pretty much knows  
that story.

MAYA  
Yeah, there was a huge trial and everything.

LIV  
Three girls were burned at the stake  
sometime back in the 1600s. Turns out they  
were wrongfully accused.

MAYA  
What did Sister Margret call it?

LIV  
A horrendous act of humanity.

Xander blanches at the statement.

XANDER  
Who... Who started it?

LIV  
Legend tells of an overzealous travelling  
preacher who...

XANDER  
I don't need to hear any more.

Xander sighs.

XANDER  
Okay. Serious research mode time. I want  
specific information on the witch trials and  
I want to take a look at this Nikana guy.

Jordy and Maya groan. Lucy pulls Xander aside.

LUCY  
Hey. I've got a night shift to go to. But if  
you're not feeling...

XANDER  
(smiles)  
I'll be all right.  
(kisses her)  
Love you.

LUCY  
(smiles)  
Right back at cha' Sparky.

Maya, Jordy and Liv start making smoochy noises in the back.

MAYA  
(goony)  
I love you.

LIV  
(goony)  
I love you too.

Xander smiles and pretends to be gruff.

XANDER  
Knock it off! Get researchin'

MAYA  
Be happy to, if you could tell us exactly...

INT. CONSUL SANCTUM  
Brad stands in middle of the triangle surrounded by the Consul  
Members. Brad is examining the three metal crosses.

BRAD  
...what we've been looking for?

CONSUL #1  
The crosses are the final keys to opening  
the mouth of hell.

BRAD  
Me being the first.

CONSUL #2  
Precisely.

BRAD  
All right. Sounds like fun. But... I do have  
a request.

CONSUL #3  
You are in no position to bargain Dark One.

BRAD  
You want an apocalypse... you better.

CONSUL #1  
What do you want.

BRAD  
Dru. Fully restored. You give me her, I'll  
do my thing.

CONSUL #2  
After the hell mouth is open.

BRAD  
Deal. So what else do I need to know?

INT. XANDER'S FIREHOUSE - MAINROOM

JORDY  
Here's that Nikana guy.

XANDER  
Read it.

MAYA  
From those who were wronged  
Aligned on the harvest moon  
Three broken crosses

Alone he will stand  
On the night of the eclipse  
When their lives were robbed

The dark one draws blood  
His own and a good woman's  
The mouth draws it's breath.

XANDER  
Crosses. Damn it.

LIV  
What?

XANDER  
They already have the crosses.

Liv's cellphone rings and she looks at it.

LIV  
The hospital. Mom's calling to check up on  
you.

Liv walks off to answer it.

JORDY  
More bad news. It's happening tonight.

XANDER  
What?

JORDY  
Harvest Moon, lunar eclipse and...

Jordy pushes a book in front of Xander. He looks down at the  
book.

XANDER  
Today's the anniversary of the witch  
burning.

MAYA  
Broken crosses. The site of an unspeakable  
evil is all we need.

XANDER  
I know where. The municipal building is  
being built right over a cavern. We spent  
three weeks adding support columns down  
there so it wouldn't cave in when we built  
on top of it.

MAYA  
And that's evil because...

XANDER  
It's right under where those girls were  
burned at the stake.

MAYA  
Yeah. That would be evil. I guess all they  
need now is...

LIV  
Mom.

Xander turns and looks at Liv.

LIV  
She never showed up for work. Her car's  
sitting in the parking lot.

XANDER  
Damn it! Go suit up.

Liv runs upstairs.

JORDY  
I'm coming.

XANDER  
No. Big full moon out tonight buddy. We  
can't take the risk.

JORDY  
Like you can stop me.

MAYA  
Or Me.

Xander shakes his head.

XANDER  
This is just all kinds of wrong.

INT. THE CAVERN

It's your typical ritual setup. Darkness with dripping water  
sounds. Candles surround a triangle surrounded by arcane  
writing. In the center of the triangle is Lucy, tied to a stake  
and dressed in a white ceremonial gown. She's gagged. Brad  
steps out of the darkness.

BRAD  
Hey, Ms. Fontaine.  
(insert evil grin here)  
How's it goin'?

Lucy glares at Brad and mutters something under the gag.

BRAD  
Lovely evening isn't it? A night like this  
only comes around every 350 years or so.  
I'm sorry about the frilly dress. I would  
have been fine with the scrubs but you know  
Dru... she's a traditionalist.

Lucy mutters something else under her gag.

BRAD  
Language! I'd expect something better than  
that from a "good woman". See... that  
clause... doesn't have to mean a virgin  
anymore. These days it can be your average  
good clean living kind of girl. The fact  
that you're the slayer's mom?  
(Vamps out)  
Icing on the cake.

Brad steps forward into the triangle. The earth rumbles like a  
small earthquake.

BRAD  
But enough chit-chat.

Brad walks up to Lucy and pulls out a large ornate dagger.

BRAD  
Let's get started, shall we?

END ACT II

ACT III

INT. CAVERN

Brad waves the dagger around Lucy's throat. Her eyes bug out.  
Brad cackles

BRAD  
My. My. My. What was I thinking. Almost  
killed you off without doing things in the  
proper order...

Brad walks to a corner of the triangle and pulls out one of the  
metal crosses. It sizzles in his hand. Brad appears not to  
care.

BRAD  
Malus - La qualità della malvagità  
minacciosa. Per colpire fuori ad altri con  
intenzione diabolica. Portate la nerezza al  
mondo.

Brad places the cross on the point. Thunder rumbles and shakes  
the ground.

BRAD  
Kind of a rush isn't it?

Brad walks over to another point and pulls out another cross.

BRAD  
Odio. Avversione obsessive accompagnata da  
fermo e dal carattere. La vostra passione  
rifornisce il nostro fuoco di combustibile.  
Brad places the cross on the point. Lightning flashes.

BRAD  
Didn't expect the light show. This should be  
fun.

Thunder rolls throuhout the cavern, shaking everything. Brad  
walks to the final point of the pentagram that makes a  
triangle.

BRAD  
Wrath. Il più mortale dei sins. Rifornito da  
malus da avversione, non potete essere  
arrestati.

Brad places the final cross on point. The earth rumbles again.  
Brad gives Lucy an evil grin.

BRAD  
Did you ever think that you would ever be  
with a man and the earth would literally  
move?

Lucy just glares at Brad.

BRAD  
Some women have no sense of humor.

INT. CAVERN ENTRANCE  
Xander and the odd squad arrive. Liv is dressed for battle.  
Maya carries her holy water cannon and Jordy is helping Xander  
carry large duffel bags.

XANDER  
All right, this is as far as you two go.

MAYA  
But...

XANDER  
Spare me the buts. Brad is in there alone.  
We start mucking around in there... well you  
need to keep our escape route clear of  
anything that might show up to defend him.

Maya and Jordy nod.

XANDER  
Stick to the plan. If it works...

MAYA  
No apocalypse.

JORDY  
And we get to see the season finale of the  
OC.

MAYA  
You're a little obsessed about that show  
don't you think?

JORDY  
I wouldn't say obsessed. I'd say it was more  
of a pleasant...

Xander rolls his eye as Jordy and Maya banter.

XANDER  
(to Liv)  
Let's go.

Xander picks up the other duffel Jordy was carrying and they  
enter the tunnel.

INT. THE CAVERN

Lucy struggles against the ropes that bind her. Brad moves into  
the center of the triangle.

BRAD  
Il mondo che nega il thee... thee... damn  
it.  
(pulls out a cheat sheet)  
Il mondo che nega il thee, thou abita. La  
pace che ignora il thee, thou corrotto.  
Caos. Rimango, come mai, figlio fedele e  
degenerato thy.

Flames shoot up from around the triangle and die down again.

BRAD  
Wow. This is better than Vegas. Now pay  
attention. This is the cool part.

Brad pulls out the ceremonial dagger and holds it up in the  
air.

BRAD  
Ora sentalo. Sono quello scuro. Figlio del  
cuore. Discendente del padrone.

Brad slices the knife across his palm and lets the blood run.

BRAD  
Accetti questo regalo. La mia anima rubata  
da altre.

The blood drips onto the floor. Again the earth rumbles. Brad  
rolls his eyes.

BRAD  
Okay... now that's just getting annoying.  
(steps forward to Lucy)  
I can feel it though. Underneath my feet.  
It's seeping through. Clawing to be let  
free. It's pure evil Ms. Fontaine. You can't  
get anything better than that.  
(beat)  
Now there's one more step. What was that?  
Hmmm... Oh yeah... I've got to kill you.  
Well, technically I just need your blood.  
But killing you is a lot more fun.

Brad holds up the knife again.

BRAD  
Prenda questo sacrificio. L'anima presa poco  
disposto da una buona donna.  
(To Lucy)  
Now... this is going to hurt. A lot.

Brad raises up the knife into the air. As he begins to swing  
down, a stake flies through the air and embeds itself into  
Brad's hand.

BRAD  
Gaah!

Brad turns to face Liv. He yanks the stake out of his hand.

BRAD  
Slayer.

LIV  
Asshole.

BRAD  
Should have gone for the heart.  
Liv pulls out another stake.

LIV  
Bad angle. Small target. Won't happen again.

Liv charges Brad and full speed. Brad lets her come and at the  
last instant does a roundhouse kick, knocking her across the  
room and sliding across the foor. She slowly picks herself up.

BRAD  
Now didn't I teach you better than that?

LIV  
You didn't teach me anything.

She charges again. Brad stops her with a series of punishing  
blows, the final one sending her flying across the room landing  
on the ground. Liv cries out in pain and slowly pulls herself  
up.

BRAD  
Had enough?

Liv struggles to get into a standing position.

LIV  
I haven't even gotten started yet.

Liv charges in, blocks the kick Brad throws at her and sets off  
on a series of punishing blows and kicks...  
All of which Brad blocks and laughs at as she does. Finally he  
catches a punch, grabs her arm and twists it behind her back.  
Liv cries out in pain.

BRAD  
Sure you haven't had enough?

LIV  
Let me respond to the question with a...

Liv stomps on Brad's instep, making him lose his grip. She  
throws a roundhouse punch which he blocks. He kicks her again,  
sending her across the room.

BRAD  
Look, it's been fun, but I really have to  
kill you now. I've got your mother to  
sacrifice, a hellmouth to open and a new  
realm of hell to enjoy.

LIV  
How are you going to open the hellmouth  
without a sacrifice?

BRAD  
What?

Brad turns around to see Xander half-carrying Lucy out into the  
tunnel.

BRAD  
Hey! What the f-

Liv takes advantage of the momentary distraction and gives Brad  
a hearty kick sending him flying backwards to the ground.

LIV  
I may not not be able to beat you in combat  
Brad, but you're still dumb as a box of  
rocks .

BRAD  
All I need is the blood of a good woman.  
You're a little small, but you'll do.

Brad pulls out his knife and lunges at Liv. She blocks the  
attack and tries to disarm him. He backhands her, sweeps the  
leg and knocks her to the ground. Liv dodges and Brad leaps at  
her, knife first. Liv rolls away and jumps up at the same time  
as Brad does. Brad does a scissor kick and knocks Liv to the  
ground, her mouth bleeding. Brad smiles.

BRAD  
Well would you look at that? Got myself a  
little blood on my boot.

ANGLE ON: Brad's boot. There's just a drop of blood on the toe.

BRAD  
Let's see if it's yours.

Brad digs his toe into the ground. The earth shakes violently.

BRAD  
Look what you just woke up.

Liv painfully gets up and gives Brad a small smile.

BRAD  
All I have to do is say a few more phrases  
and the Fat Lady's singing Ave Maria.

LIV  
I think you'll have a hard time opening the  
hellmouth without these...

Liv holds up the crosses she gathered off the ground while Brad  
was kicking her ass around the cavern. Brad lunges for the  
crosses. Liv holds the crosses in between her fingers and  
punches Brad, digging in with the crosses. His skin sizzles and  
Liv gives him another hearty kick send him flying.

Liv takes advantage of the situation and runs for the cavern  
entrance.

INT. THE TUNNEL

Liv catches up with Xander.

LIV  
I've got them!

XANDER  
Good job.

Xander pulls out the remote and activates it. Nothing happens.

LIV  
What's wrong?

XANDER  
No signal.

LIV  
But we got the...

XANDER  
We've got two more nights of the harvest  
moon. We need to keep him out of the  
picture, as long as possible.

Xander looks towards the entrace of the cavern. The three girls  
who were being burned at the stake stand at the entrance  
looking mournfully at him. Cassie stands behind the girls with  
a blank look on her face.

Xander hands the woozy Lucy to Liv.

XANDER  
Get her out.

LIV  
But...

XANDER  
NOW!

Liv hesistates and Xander pushes her out into the tunnel and  
runs back toward...

EXT. THE CAVERN

Xander runs back into the room shoving Brad away from the  
entrance. Brad leaps to the attack, but Xander keeps him at bay  
with the swipe of his sword.

BRAD  
You don't think you can beat me, do you?

XANDER  
No. But I have something you want.

BRAD  
(smiles)  
True.

XANDER  
And I can do this...

Xander pulls out a remote and holds it up for Brad to see.

BRAD  
What's that?

Xander smiles.

XANDER  
Delaying tatic.

Xander pushes the button on the remote.

INT. THE TUNNEL

Liv turns around from carrying her Mom to see Xander activate  
the remote.

LIV  
NO!

The tunnel explodes behind her, closing off Xander's escape  
route.

INT. THE CAVERN

Brad looks at the closed off entrance and smiles at Xander.  
Xander smiles grimly back and tosses the sword to the ground.

BRAD  
That wasn't very smart.

XANDER  
No choice. The remote wouldn't activate in  
the tunnel.

BRAD  
You know what happens now, don't you?

XANDER  
How about a game of Kerplunk?

Brad just gives him a look.

XANDER  
Cootie? Ants in the pants?

Brad continues to give him a look.

XANDER  
Not a Milton Bradley fan are you?

BRAD  
No.

XANDER  
Of course, you were raised by demons, so  
that explains a lot.

BRAD  
Care to guess again?

XANDER  
Torture and mayhem with my internal organs?

Brad smiles evilly and cracks his knuckles.

BRAD  
Yeah. Let's get started shall we?

Brad moves in and just as Brad is about to land a punch...

GO TO BLACK

END ACT III

ACT IV

INT. XANDER'S FIREHOUSE - MAIN ROOM

Liv and Maya march into the room. Jordy follows carrying Lucy.

MAYA  
What do we do now?

LIV  
We've got to find a way to rescue Mr.  
Harris. Then we've got to stop Brad from  
opening the hellmouth.

MAYA  
You got the crosses?

Liv pulls the crosses out her pocket and holds them up.

LIV  
They've created the hellmouth, but without  
these it's locked up tight.

JORDY  
So what's the plan?

LIV  
Um... We rescue Mr. Harris. And... uh... We  
stop Brad.

JORDY  
Kind of lacking in the detail department  
there Liv.

MAYA  
I'm thinking we're going to need a plan. And  
some help.

FEMALE'S VOICE (OS)  
You want help, girlfriend?  
The Odd squad turns around to see...

INT. XANDER'S FIREHOUSE - KITCHEN

Faith, Buffy and Willow sitting at the kitchen island. Faith  
gives a wicked smile and slaps the table.

FAITH  
Reinforcements have arrived in the form of  
the original slayers!  
(Off Willow's reaction)  
And a kick-ass wicca.

BUFFY  
That is, if you don't mind hanging out with  
us old farts.

WILLOW  
Hope you don't mind us dropping in all unannounced  
like.

BUFFY  
Now... where exactly is Xander?

ANGLE ON:  
Liv, Maya and Jordy all stand flabbergasted.

INT. CONSUL SANCTUM

Xander wakes up on the floor of the consul sanctum. As he looks  
up he see's that he's surrounded by Brad, Drusilla, The Vizier  
and the three consul members dressed in their red cloaks.

DRUSILLA  
Naughty, naughty puppy.

Brad, Drusilla and the Vizier smile evilly. Xander turns a  
whiter shade of pale.

XANDER  
Aw, Crap.

GO TO BLACK

END ACT IV


	12. Oraculum Caecus

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Xander's heroic actions are rewarded... by being captured by the bad guys and getting tortured by Drusilla. Meanwhile Buffy and Xander's slayer butt heads about a rescue mission. And Clem? Poor Clem...
> 
> Warning: Character Death

TEASER

INT. THE CONSUL SANCTUM

The three red cloaked figures stand in their usual positions.  
Brad stands in the center of the triangle.

CONSUL #1  
You failed.

BRAD  
The hellmouth is awakened.

CONSUL #2  
Yet unopened.

Brad shrugs.

BRAD  
Details.

CONSUL #3  
A very important detail.

BRAD  
The slayer and her watcher took me by  
surprise. I had no back up because you told  
me I had to be "alone".

CONSUL #1  
Excuses.

BRAD  
The harvest moon isn't over with yet. I  
still have time.

CONSUL #2  
If you expect us to honor our deal, you must  
open the hellmouth.

INT. XANDER'S FIREHOUSE - MAIN ROOM

BUFFY  
So let me get this straight, your ex-boyfriend  
is now a vampire.

LIV  
He's not my boyfriend!

BUFFY  
Sorry.

FAITH  
B just has some emotional baggage that she's  
still carrying around.

BUFFY  
Which reminds me... which one of you is the  
cookie dough eater?

Jordy raises his hand

JORDY  
That would be me.

BUFFY  
I've got a bone to pick with you mister...

WILLOW  
Buffy? Focus.

BUFFY  
Right. Vampire called the dark one slash  
Brad performed a ceremony which awakened the  
hellmouth but didn't open it.

LIV  
Right.

BUFFY  
To delay the Dark One slash Brad from  
getting the necessary components to complete  
the ceremony, Xander blew up the entrance to  
the ceremonial site with himself on the  
wrong side of the rubble.

FAITH  
Sure sounds like Xander.

WILLOW  
Hey! He prevented the hellmouth from being  
opened. Give him credit for that.

BUFFY  
And got captured. For all we know the bad's  
gotten out and Xander's now his prisoner.

Pongo pops up from behind the kitchen island.

PONGO  
It is certain!

BUFFY  
Gah!

FAITH  
What the hell is that?

JORDY  
Pongo the wonder puppet.

MAYA  
Used to be a magical eight ball, but someday  
hopes to be a real boy.

PONGO  
Yes. Definitely.

FAITH  
Problem B?

BUFFY  
Puppets give me the wiggins. Especially  
living puppets.

WILLOW  
Ahh... he's kind of cute.

Pongo raises his arms open the air, runs to Willow and tackles  
her in a puppet hug. Willow smiles.

WILLOW  
Affectionate too.

BUFFY  
Whatever. Our primary target is the  
hellmouth. We need to get it closed.

MAYA  
Technically it is closed. It's just awake.

BUFFY  
Fine then we need to... make it sleepy....  
again. And take care of this Dark One slash  
Brad guy so it can't be re-awakened.

LIV  
What about Mr. Harris?

BUFFY  
Xander.... Xander knew what he was getting  
into.

WILLOW  
Buff?

BUFFY  
Xander's not the priority here.

LIV  
No!

Buffy swallows hard. She doesn't like what she's saying.

BUFFY  
Sorry kid. He's on his own.

INT. A BASEMENT  
It's a plain cement basement. No windows. A set of stairs go up  
to a door.

Xander hangs from the ceiling by his arms, which are shackled  
to chains. His feet barely touch the floor.

DRUSILLA(OS)  
Monkey, monkey on the wall,  
tell me how you see it all?

Xander turns toward the voice. Drusilla steps out of the  
shadows.

DRUSILLA  
Do the stars sing? Do they whisper to you in  
small little voices that only you can hear?

XANDER  
Drusilla. Hi. Don't suppose you came to let  
me go and give me a year's supply of  
chocolatey Yoo-hoo.

DRUSILLA  
Why do you get to see out of one little eye  
while I cannot see at all?

XANDER  
You know... in all the time you spent in  
Sunnydale, I don't think you and I really  
got to know each other. How would you feel  
about a game of kerplunk?

DRUSILLA  
Do the bugs crawl into your brain and play  
little games?

XANDER  
And I think I now know why we never chatted.

DRUSILLA  
Before the cloaked ones punished me, the man  
in the moon told me all about you.

XANDER  
Boy... when Angel turned you he really  
ordered the bucket of extra-crazy strips.

DRUSILLA  
Poor little monkey. Its head's too small for  
the visions it sees.

XANDER  
What? What do you know about...?

Drusilla puts her index finger over Xander's mouth.

DRUSILLA  
Shhh! We know all about the pain  
(grabs her head and thrashes around like  
Xander does when he has visions.)  
and bleeding noses.

Drusilla points to her nostril and waves it down her face,  
pantomiming a trail of blood.

XANDER  
You had... you had the power before you  
became...

Drusilla gets up close and personal with Xander, rubbing her  
hands all over his chest.

DRUSILLA  
But the mean little red cloaks took it all  
away.  
(Starts sniffing Xander)  
But you have it. I can smell it.

XANDER  
What? You mean...

DRUSILLA  
You'll give it to me, won't you?

XANDER  
No.

Drusilla pouts and get sulky.

DRUSILLA  
You won't let me have it?

XANDER  
No.

Drusilla grins and claps her hands excitedly.

DRUSILLA  
Goody!!

XANDER  
Oh. Not good.

DRUSILLA  
(singing)  
You're going to be tor-tured.

XANDER  
I don't suppose if I gave it up now, you'd  
just let me go.

Drusilla shakes her head with each "tsk".

DRUSILLA  
Tsk. Tsk. Tsk. Silly little monkey. He  
doesn't know how to play the game.

XANDER  
(Sighs)  
Aw, Crap.

END TEASER

ACT I  
INT. XANDER'S FIREHOUSE - MAIN ROOM

Lucy comes to on Xander's couch.

LUCY  
Xander?

Liv rushes over and hugs her Mom.

LUCY  
Sweetie.

LIV  
You okay?

LUCY  
I'm... I feel so woozy.

LIV  
We think they chloroformed you. Are you sure  
you're okay?

LUCY  
I... I'm all right. What's going on? I  
remember Xander getting me out of the cave  
and...

LIV  
We got you out, but...

LUCY  
Where's Xander?

LIV  
Brad's got him.

LUCY  
Brad? But he... we got to get him out.

BUFFY(OS)  
I'm sorry Ms. Fontaine, but I'm afraid we  
can't do that.

Lucy turns to see Buffy and the rest of the crew hard at work.  
Or at least Willow and Faith. They're using the computer. Maya  
and Jordy stand in the kitchen looking sullen and cranky.

LUCY  
Who the hell the are you?

BUFFY  
I'm Buffy Summers.

LUCY  
And you're making this decision because...?

BUFFY  
I'm the slayer.

LUCY  
My daughter's the slayer.

BUFFY  
I've got a few more years of field  
experience than she does. Besides, we don't  
even know the first place to look.

WILLOW  
I've found Xander!

Buffy rolls her eyes.

BUFFY  
Will...

WILLOW  
He had his GPS transponder with him. Now we  
can...

BUFFY  
Walk straight into a trap.

WILLOW  
Well, that's a possibility but...

BUFFY  
Look I know it's Xander, but have you all  
forgotten what exactly is happening? Right  
now? It's a hellmouth people. It's awake and  
it's ready to be opened.

LIV  
Not without these.

Liv holds up the crosses and tosses them on the coffee table.

LIV  
I took these from the site before Brad could  
do any damage.

BUFFY  
Damage? The damage is already done. You now  
have an active hellmouth, do you have any  
idea what that means? You think you had  
problems before? Just wait. Now I want full  
research mode people. We've got to find a  
way to reverse the ceremony that this Brad  
guy implemented and take him out of the  
picture. Permanently.

WILLOW  
Buffy, I don't know if that's possible.

BUFFY  
Find a way.

LUCY  
What about Xander?

Buffy gives off another look of doubt.

BUFFY  
Xander knew what he was getting into.

INT. BASEMENT  
Xander is screaming. Drusilla has just finished removing a hot  
branding iron from the side of Xander's chest.

XANDER  
Sweet Jesus. Oh God in heaven.

Drusilla starts to gently rub her hands up and down his chest.

DRUSILLA  
Why won't the monkey give me what I want?

XANDER  
Maybe because you keep calling me a monkey.

Dru gives Xander an evil grin.

DRUSILLA  
Does the monkey need a little...

Apparently Dru's hands slip somewhere... unexpected. Xander's  
eyes bug out.

XANDER  
Hands! Hands!

Drusilla pulls back and pouts.

DRUSILLA  
Why won't the monkey play?

XANDER  
You're just chock full of nuts. You know  
that right?

Drusilla hisses and strikes Xander across the face with her  
nails, leaving lines of blood on his cheek.

VOICE(OS)  
Enough.

Drusilla turns and hisses as the three members of the consul  
enter.

XANDER  
Great. The Consul of Sacul Egroeg I presume.

CONSUL #1  
(to Drusilla)  
Leave us.

Drusilla cowers and exits the room.

XANDER  
I don't suppose you're here to let me go  
with some lovely parting gifts.

CONSUL #1  
You've thwarted us for the last time  
Watcher.

XANDER  
Thwarted. There's a word I haven't heard in  
a while. Did all evil creatures take the  
same vocabulary class in demon elementary  
school?

CONSUL #1  
Your jokes won't save you, Harris.

Xander focuses on the speaking member of the Consul.

XANDER  
What are...? You?

Consul #1 removes the hood from his head. It's Mr. Banyan,  
except his eyes have gone completely black.

XANDER  
Banyan?

BANYAN  
I haven't been Banyan for weeks.

XANDER  
Nice reveal. Never thought my Boss would be  
the big bad.

BANYAN  
You should pay more attention to your  
visions, Harris.

INT. BANYAN CONFERENCE ROOM - FLASHBACK

A Red-Cloaked figure stands behind Mr. Banyan wielding a knife.

INT. XANDER'S OFFICE - FLASHBACK

The door opens and one of the Consul members in their red  
cloaks, floats into Xander's office and hands him a file  
folder.

CONSUL #1  
These are the estimates for the  
human sacrifices needed on the  
hellmouth project.

INT. BASEMENT

Xander looks at Banyan, dumbstruck.

BANYAN  
Right in front of you and you never noticed.  
Not very observant for a Watcher. However, I  
have been keeping an eye on you.

Xander hangs his head in despair.

BANYAN  
Now, all we need from you is something to  
motivate your little slayer to give up our  
keys to the hellmouth.

XANDER  
She'll never give them up.

BANYAN  
You'd be surprised what the lack of a father  
figure will do to a little girl.  
(steps toward Xander)  
Don't worry. This won't hurt a bit.  
(to the others)  
Have the dark one find the messenger.

INT. XANDER'S FIREHOUSE - MAIN ROOM

Willow stands in front of the computer console. Faith, Maya and  
Jordy are looking through ancient dusty tomes. Liv is taking  
care of Lucy. Buffy is on the phone.

BUFFY  
I'm trying to reach Rupert Giles. Giles. Rupert  
Gi-iles.  
(Sighs. Sarcastic.)  
Anybody here speak Dutch?

Liv sullenly walks up and takes the phone.

LIV  
Excuseer me? Maar dit grote blonde wijfje  
van een vrouw zoekt Rupert Giles? Zij  
veroorzaakt alle soorten problemen hier,  
zodat als u uw tijd wilt vergen hem gelieve  
te zoeken voel vrij dit te doen.

Liv throws the phone back at Buffy and returns to her Mom.

Buffy and Faith watch Liv walk away with amazement

LIV  
They're looking for him.

FAITH  
Whoa! Check out the grey matter on half-pint.

MAYA  
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. We know. She's a freaking  
genius.

Willow walks away from the computer terminal, massaging the  
bridge of her nose.

BUFFY  
Anything?

Willow just gives Buffy a look and slumps down over the kitchen  
island.

BUFFY  
Nothing?

WILLOW  
Well, there's the whole enter-the- mouth-of-hell-  
with-an-army-of-slayers gambit.

FAITH  
Yeah, and how well is that going to work  
without an ensouled champion wearing  
something from the Liberace collection to  
bring the house down?

WILLOW  
Not to mention the whole town falling into a  
sinkhole, killing thousands of people.

JORDY  
Cool.

Everyone gives Jordy a weird look. Jordy shrugs.

JORDY  
No homework next week.

BUFFY  
Okay... so that leaves us with...

LIV  
Rescuing Mr. Harris.

Faith smiles. Buffy gives Liv a look of annoyance.

FAITH  
She's a stubborn little cuss, ain't she?

BUFFY  
Look...

LIV  
He's your friend! Why aren't you doing  
something?!

BUFFY  
If Xander were here, he'd tell you the same  
thing. You don't rush into a situation. You  
don't even know if he's still alive.

MAYA  
Pongo, is Xander alive?

Pongo pops up beside Buffy.

BUFFY  
Ga-a-ah!

PONGO  
Yes, definitely.

Buffy shoots Maya a dirty look.

BUFFY  
Pongo, would we be walking into certain  
death?

PONGO  
Signs point to yes.

WILLOW  
Would Xander do it for Buffy?

PONGO  
Yes. Definitely.

Buffy shoots Willow a look.

WILLOW  
Well he would! You know he would!

BUFFY  
Willow...

WILLOW  
What is wrong with you?!

FAITH  
Nothing. She's just trying to keep an  
apocalypse from raining on our parade.

WILLOW  
Oh my God! Faith's taking your side! Doesn't  
this clue you in to how wrong this is?

FAITH  
Hey!

LIV  
Screw this!!

Liv kicks the coffee table full of books over.

JORDY  
Whoa.

LUCY  
Sweetie...

LIV  
No Mom.

Lucy marches to the island and grabs the PDA.

LIV  
I'm going after him.

FAITH  
Kid's got some spunk.

Buffy steps in front of Liv.

BUFFY  
It's a trap.

PONGO  
Yes. Definitely.

BUFFY  
We need you here. Get your priorities  
straight.

Buffy puts her hand on Liv's shoulder. Liv shakes it off.

LIV  
I have.

Liv marches over to the front door.

LIV  
Nothing is going to...

Liv throws open the door. A body falls down on top of her,  
pinning her to the ground.

LIV  
...stop me.

Buffy rushes over and pulls the body off of Liv. She suddenly  
gets a good look at who the body is... or was...

BUFFY  
Oh my god.

Clem's lifeless eyes stare out of his skull. The ceremonial  
dagger used by Brad in the previous episode is pushed through  
his chest. Liv looks at the body.

LIV  
Clem. Oh God, they got Clem.

END ACT I.

ACT II

INT. XANDER'S FIREHOUSE - MAIN ROOM

Buffy and Liv prop Clem's body up against the wall.

LIV  
You know Clem?

BUFFY  
I did.

Liv looks down and pulls something out of Clem's death grip.  
She looks at it and her face becomes a mask of anger.

LIV  
MOTHERF-

Liv throws the object across the room. Maya and Jordy dive out  
of the way. Faith catches it nonchalantly and looks at it. She  
frowns. Willow sees it and grows pale.

FAITH  
Damn.

LUCY  
What is it?

WILLOW  
It's his.. his...

FAITH  
Glass eye. Guess it was the easiest thing to  
remove.

Lucy leans over like she is going to be sick. Buffy pulls  
something else out of Clem's fist.

BUFFY  
What's this supposed to be?

Buffy holds up a withered wrist corsage. Liv snatches it away  
from her and looks at it.

LIV  
It's an invitation.

Liv heads for the door. Buffy gets in her way.

BUFFY  
So you're just going in. No plan of attack?  
Does that seem smart to you?

LIV  
I've got a plan... I'm going to kill that  
motherfu--

BUFFY  
That's not a plan. That's suicide.

MAYA  
Um... Excuse me?

Liv and Buffy shoot a glare at Maya, who is raising her hand up  
like she is in class.

LIV & BUFFY  
What?!

MAYA  
I... uh... have an idea.

INT. BASEMENT

Brad leans up against the wall and smiles. We don't see Xander  
or Drusilla... but judging from the noise, Xander's screams  
probably means he is in pain. Drusilla laughs like a madwoman.

BRAD  
I can't tell you Mr. Harris how much fun I'm  
going to have killing your slayer tonight.

Xander screams some more.

BRAD  
Probably be as much fun as opening a portal  
to hell.

More screams.

BRAD  
Of course... killing your girlfriend won't  
top that. But it comes in a close third.

Xander screams bloody murder. Brad looks over and smiles.

BRAD  
Oh... Drusilla. That's just plain... Wrong.

Xander screams bloody murder again. Brad laughs.

INT. XANDER'S FIREHOUSE - MAIN ROOM

Buffy is looking at Maya like she just grew a second head.

BUFFY  
That's it? That's your idea?

LIV  
What's wrong with it?

FAITH  
Sounds like beauty queen's been hit with the  
loopy stick one too many times.

Maya shoots Faith a defiant look.

MAYA  
It'll work.

BUFFY  
And I'm supposed to take the word of a high  
school student?

Maya rolls her eyes.

MAYA  
How old were you when you started killing  
vampires and saving the world?

WILLOW  
It could work Buffy.

Buffy shoots a look at Willow. Maya turns to Liv.

MAYA  
Liv, trust me. I've checked all this out.

JORDY  
And I actually cracked a book on the  
subject. She's right. It'll work.

LIV  
Then that's what we'll do.

BUFFY  
Excuse me, Senior Slayer here. Putting her  
foot down. No.

FAITH  
Jeez, B. It's not like we haven't done  
crazier stuff.

WILLOW  
And the idea has merit Buff. We've just  
never tried it before.

BUFFY  
How can you be sure it is going to work?

LIV  
Pongo!

BUFFY  
Oh crap.

Pongo bounces up to Liv

LIV  
Will Maya's idea work?

PONGO  
It is certain.

Liv smiles, appreciating Pongo for the first time.

LIV  
Thanks Pongo.

Pongo hugs Liv with mucho puppet affection. Liv makes a face,  
but hesitantly hugs him back.

BUFFY  
You can't do this. You won't do this.

Liv turns and gives Buffy an evil look.

LIV  
Last I heard? You weren't my watcher. You  
want to stop me? You better rescue him. Or  
maybe you've forgotten how to stand up for  
your friends.

That one hits Buffy where it really hurts. Buffy turns away as  
Liv turns on her heel and marches upstairs. Maya and Jordy  
follow. Lucy smiles weakly.

LUCY  
That's my girl.

FAITH  
Kid's got some major spunk. Remember when we  
were like that Buff?

BUFFY  
(wistfully)  
Yeah. I do.

INT. XANDER'S FIREHOUSE - TRAINING ROOM - LATER

Liv is suiting up in her fatigues and Kevlar and getting her  
gear together.

BUFFY(OS)  
So you're the reason why Giles is making all  
the girls in Cleveland wear Kevlar.

Liv gives Buffy a glare and continues to pack her battle gear.

BUFFY  
It's actually pretty smart when you think  
about it.

LIV  
It just seemed to make sense.

BUFFY  
That's something my life never seemed to  
make.

LIV  
What do you want from me? Because if you're  
here to talk me out of...

BUFFY  
No. Not that. I... I just want to talk.  
Here...

Buffy tosses something at Liv which she catches in her hand.  
Liv examines it for a moment and holds it up. It's a stake.  
Well... Not just any stake.

LIV  
What's this?

BUFFY  
Mr. Pointy.

LIV  
You named a stake?

BUFFY  
No.

Buffy jumps up on the pommel horse and sits.

BUFFY  
After me... and before Faith.... there was  
Kendra.

Liv cautiously approaches Buffy and jumps up on the other side  
of the pommel horse. Liv examines the stake more carefully.

BUFFY  
It was hers. Her favorite stake.

LIV  
She named it and gave it to you? That's a  
little...

BUFFY  
Creepy.

LIV  
Yeah.

BUFFY  
Kendra was different. Her parents gave her  
up to her watcher when she was still just a  
child. She trained all her life to be a  
slayer. When I died...

Liv gives Buffy a strange look.

BUFFY  
Well... the first time.

Liv gives Buffy an even stranger look.

BUFFY  
(sighs)  
Long... long story. She was the next slayer  
to come into the play. The first time we  
met, we didn't hit it off so great. But we  
learned to respect each other. We had  
different strengths and abilities. I knew...  
I knew, I could rely on her. She gave me Mr.  
Pointy the night before I went after An-...  
Another big bad.

LIV  
Angel.

BUFFY  
Yeah. Well I guess Xander would have told  
you about me and...

LIV  
Dead boy.

Buffy chuckles.

BUFFY  
I suppose you hadn't noticed there are...

LIV  
...certain parallels?

BUFFY  
Yep.

LIV  
Though my situation was more of a crush sort  
of thing, while yours was more of a  
poster child for abstinence.

BUFFY  
Yeah... Could we not do the whole moral  
rehashy thing and focus more on the passing  
on the torch thing?

LIV  
You... you want me...

BUFFY  
I want you to have this.

LIV  
Really? I mean... if it is something that is  
supposed to be passed from slayer to  
slayer...

BUFFY  
Yeah, well Faith's not big on  
sentimentality. And... um... besides the  
time seems right. And you... you seem right.  
You're a slayer. A good one from what I  
hear.

Liv smiles. Buffy smiles back.

LIV  
So every time a chosen slayer faces certain  
death they should get a stick of wood  
sharpened to a point?

BUFFY  
At the very least.

LIV  
Thanks.

BUFFY  
You're welcome. Now if you excuse me...  
(Buffy hops down off the pommel horse)  
I have a friend to rescue.

LIV  
What happened to "he knew what he was getting  
into"?

Buffy lowers her head ashamed.

BUFFY  
You ever look in a mirror and suddenly  
realize this is not the person you want to  
be? It kind of changes everything.

Buffy brushes an errant lock of hair out of Liv's face.

BUFFY  
If you're lucky, someone will hold that  
mirror up and force you to look at your  
reflection.

Buffy and Liv give each other a sad smile.

BUFFY  
I've sacrificed enough things in my life.  
Xander isn't going to be one of them.  
(sighs)  
And as Will has reminded me, Xander's  
sacrificed more than enough for me and my  
mission. It's time to pay that debt back.

MAYA(OS)  
Liv?

Buffy and Liv turn to May and Jordy. Maya carries a large  
leather book. Jordy carries a duffel bag.

MAYA  
You ready?

Liv gives her a grim smile.

LIV  
Let's go.

EXT. BANYAN CONSTRUCTION COMPANY  
Faith, Buffy and Willow stand in front of the office building.  
Willow is consulting her PDA.

BUFFY  
This? This is the HQ of badness?

FAITH  
Looks like that place in Office Space.  
Should we be on the look out for a fat guy  
wielding a red stapler to attack us?

WILLOW  
I don't get it. This is where Xander works.

BUFFY  
Maybe he left his tracker at the office.

WILLOW  
No, Liv swore he had it with him.

FAITH  
Are we sure this is the right place?

Suddenly the glass entrance of the office breaks open and a  
horde of Ypoog demons and vampires come streaming out.

FAITH  
Yep. This is the place all right.

Willow makes a summoning gesture.

WILLOW  
Astendo, aperio.

Lights flash in front of her.

WILLOW  
Got him! Excuse me guys. I'll be back soon.  
(Another gesture)  
Discede.

Willow disappears in a flash of light. Faith looks at Buffy and smiles.

FAITH  
Guess it's just me and you.

Buffy pulls out her scythe.

BUFFY  
You take the horde on the left and I'll take  
the one on the right.

Faith pulls out a stake and a battle axe. She's grinning like a  
madwoman.

FAITH  
Is it too late to pick up some Kevlar?

Buffy shakes her head and smiles.

BUFFY  
Let's go to work.

Faith and Buffy charge into the horde.

INT. ST. BUFALARI'S GYMNASIUM

Liv stands in the middle of the gym in her battle gear.

BRAD(OS)  
Well. Well. Well.

Brad steps out of the shadows.

BRAD  
Looks like you got my invitation.

Liv throws the corsage at Brad's feet.

LIV  
One last dance?

BRAD  
That depends if you're going to make like  
Cinderella or not.

LIV  
Not this time Brad.

Liv pulls out a shimmering globe and throws it on the floor. A  
large circle shimmers around Liv and Brad.

BRAD  
What's with the electric light parade?

LIV  
Spell from a friend. She calls it the  
thunderdome.

BRAD  
What?

LIV  
Two people enter. One leaves.

BRAD  
That so you won't run away?

LIV  
That's so you won't run away.

BRAD  
From you?

MAYA(OS)  
No Brad.

Brad turns to see...

ANGLE ON:

Maya and Jory standing outside of the spell circle.

MAYA  
From us.

INT. THE BASEMENT  
Xander hangs from his chains, his glass eye is missing, making  
him look quite gruesome. Drusilla creeps in from the darkness.  
She traces her fingertips around Xander's empty eye socket.

DRUSILLA  
Little red men took monkey's eye away.

Xander groans and pulls his head away from Drusilla.

XANDER  
I don't know what is worse. Being left alive  
and tortured or hearing you say the most  
obvious things in the world.

DRUSILLA  
Does the glass eye help you? Does it take  
away your pain?

Xander is exhausted. He shakes his head.

XANDER  
No. No it doesn't.

Drusilla pouts as if she feels bad for Xander.

DRUSILLA  
You can make it all go away.

Xander looks at Drusilla.

DRUSILLA  
Give me your mind pictures. Let me take away  
the pain.

Xander gives Drusilla a grim look of determination.

XANDER  
Torture me all you want... You'll never get  
it.

Drusilla face grows angry.

XANDER  
Never.

Drusilla snarls.

DRUSILLA  
Poor little monkey's face is all lopsided  
now.

Drusilla reaches for Xander's face. We don't see what she does,  
but it sounds wet, disgusting and judging from the horrible  
screams coming from Xander... it's pretty painful. Drusilla  
smiles an awful smile.

DRUSILLA  
There we go.

XANDER(OS)  
(in pain)  
Oh God. Oh God.

Drusilla holds up Xander's eyeball in her bloody hand.

DRUSILLA  
All better now.

END ACT II

ACT III

INT. VIZIER'S SANCTUM

The Vizier is busily packing his items.

VIZIER  
Slayers. Wiccas. Insolent vampires. They  
don't pay me enough for this.

The doors to the Vizier's Sanctum blow open violently to reveal  
Willow.

WILLOW  
Hi. Remember me?

VIZIER  
Ah... The Willow Rosenberg. I would've  
trounced you before if it wasn't for the  
baby slayer.

WILLOW  
That was when I only had a powerbar and a  
cup of coffee to eat.

Willow lets loose with a barrage of energy, knocking the Vizier  
into a neighboring wall.

WILLOW  
Guess who had her Wheaties today?

VIZIER  
I don't suppose the fact that I'm trying to  
get away from this crazy situation counts  
for nothing?

WILLOW  
Pretty much.

Willow and the Vizier let loose another barrage of mystical  
energy which negates each other. They circle each other like  
boxers.

WILLOW  
Did a little reading on those Ypoog demons  
you have attacking my friends.

VIZIER  
Did you?

WILLOW  
Usually they don't congregate in a fighting  
mob like that unless they are brought  
together by magic. They don't even belong  
in this dimension.

VIZIER  
Ahhh... so you found out that little secret  
did you?

WILLOW  
I'm big on research.

Willow zaps the Vizier across the room.

INT. ST. BUFALARI'S - GYM

Brad scoffs at Maya and Jordy.

BRAD  
I'm supposed to be afraid of your little  
friends?

MAYA  
If you had an ounce of brain matter in your  
head...

LIV  
Maya...

MAYA  
Right.

BRAD  
Let's get this over with shall we?

Brad and Liv charge at each other. Liv hits Brad with two solid  
punches, but Brad quickly blocks and starts beating Liv back  
against the spell wall.

LIV  
Any time Maya...

Maya fumbles through a very large book.

MAYA  
I'm working on it.

Brad throws Liv across the circle. She lands hard.

LIV  
Ever hear of a bookmark?!

Brad slowly approaches Liv. Confident and Cocky.

BRAD  
What? Is Maya going to cast a little spell  
on me?

LIV  
It's not a spell.

Liv throws a stake at Brad, which he deflects. She charges at  
him and throws several connecting punches. Brad takes them,  
laughs at her and then kicks her across the room. Liv struggles  
to get up.

LIV  
Need a little help here.

BRAD  
I'll say.

Brad gives Liv a solid punch, sending her flying.

JORDY  
It's the next page.

MAYA  
Found it! You want me to start?

Liv gives Maya a dirty look.

LIV  
Kind of losing here. Any time would be good.  
Really.

INT. VIZIER'S SANCTUM

Willow and the Vizier are in the middle of a magical smack  
down. Willow throws a bolt of energy at The Vizier which tosses  
him up against the wall.

VIZIER  
Look, I'll make you a deal... you let me  
go... I'll release my spell on the demons.

WILLOW  
I've got a better one. I'll exile you from  
this dimension, releasing the spell you have  
on the demons.

VIZIER  
You don't have that kind of power.

Willow smiles and pulls out a lock of brown hair from her back  
pocket.

WILLOW  
Oh yeah?

The Vizier gives her a confused look.

WILLOW  
Effringo! Ventus aufero hic creatura!

The lock of hair disappears. A dimensional portal opens up  
behind the Vizier. Violent winds begin to suck him through. The  
Vizier gives Willow a look of horror. Willow gives him a wicked  
grin.

WILLOW  
Dawnie sends her regards.

The Vizier is sucked through the portal which closes right  
behind him. Willow smiles, giggles and then collapses on the  
ground.

EXT. BANYAN CONSTRUCTION BUILDING

Faith and Buffy are doing battle against the horde of Ypoog  
demons and vampires. The horde is beating them back step by  
step.

BUFFY  
Not good.

FAITH  
Definitely not good.

Suddenly the Ypoog demons stop, scream an unearthly howl and  
then dissolve into a puddle of goo. The Slayers and the  
vampires look around in surprise.

The Slayers then look at each other and smile.

BUFFY  
I can handle a horde of vampires. How about  
you?

FAITH  
No problem.

The slayers turn and look at the remaining vampires. The  
vampires look at each other and run for cover.

BUFFY  
I love it when they run.

Faith and Buffy charge into the building, chasing the vamps.

INT. ST. BUFALARI'S GYM

Brad is kicking the snot out of Liv. Maya is reading from the  
large leather bound and dusty book.

MAYA  
Omnis spiritus in munde. In nomine dei.

Brad throws a series of punches which Liv weakly blocks.

MAYA  
In odorem suavitatis. Tu autem effugare,  
diabole.

Jordy is digging through duffel bag as Maya continues to chant.

Brad kicks Liv again sending her flying.

MAYA  
Appropinquabit enim judicium dei.

BRAD  
What is that? Greek?

Liv throws a punch and Brad goes flying.

LIV  
Did you ever go to class Brad?

MAYA  
Jordy. Now.

Jordy pulls out the super soaker and a cross.

JORDY  
Liv!

Jordy tosses the cross to Liv who catches it. Jordy takes aim  
with the water gun.

MAYA  
Omnis spiritus immunde. In nomine dei.

Jordy lets loose with the holy water.

BRAD  
Gaah!

Liv jumps in and holds the cross against Brad, causing him to  
sizzle.

LIV  
Does that hurt? Cause I smell bacon.

BRAD  
You think a little Greek and some holy water  
is going to stop me from killing you?

Brad backhands Liv, but she holds her ground.

LIV  
It's not Greek.

Liv shoves the cross against Brad. He cries out in pain.

LIV  
It's Latin.

Brad pushes her aside.

MAYA  
Omnis spiritus immunde. In nomine dei.

Jordy blasts Brad again. Brad vamps out and turns to Jordy.

BRAD  
Will you cut that out?

Jordy  
Let me think about that for a second.

With no hesitation, Jordy blasts him again. Brad howls.

LIV  
Hey Brad.

Brad turns to face Liv.

LIV  
How many crosses am I holding up?

MAYA  
Abrenuntias satanae

Liv bashes the cross across Brad's face. Jordy blasts him  
again. Liv presses the cross against Brad's chest. Brad screams  
as he begins to sizzle and smoke from both the contact of the  
cross and the holy water. Brad breaks free from the contact of  
the cross, bashes Liv twice across the face and then hoists her  
up into the air, strangling her.

BRAD  
I'm going to snap your neck.

Liv kicks Brad in the family jewels. He drops her and hunches  
over. Liv delivers a roundhouse kick to the head.

LIV  
I can't believe I kissed you.

MAYA  
Et omnibus operibus eus.

Jordy blasts Brad again.

JORDY  
This is actually kind of fun.

BRAD  
Will you stop that! What the hell do you  
guys think you're doing? No spell is going  
to stop me.

MAYA  
Omnibus pompis eus.

LIV  
Not a spell Brad.

Liv jabs the cross into Brad again.

BRAD  
Gaah!

LIV  
And maybe if you didn't skip latin so much  
you'd know what this is.

BRAD  
Oh yeah...?

Brad does a spinning kick, followed by two punches to Liv's  
head. She holds her ground.

BRAD  
So tell me slayer. What is this?

LIV  
It's an exorcism.

Jordy blasts Brad with the water. Liv shoves the cross against  
him again.

MAYA  
Omnis spiritus immunde. Adaperiae!  
Adaperiae!

Brad screams an unearthly scream and he disappears  
into dust. Liv collapses to the ground. The spell fades.

JORDY  
Well that wasn't so bad.

Liv and Maya give Jordy a dirty look.

JORDY  
Well except for the pummeling part.

INT. THE BASEMENT

The door opens to the basement and blast of vampire dust blows  
down the steps. Buffy and Faith rush down the steps to face...  
The Consul Members stand in front of the Xander, who is still  
hanging from the ceiling... his back facing Buffy and Faith.

FAITH  
Look. Guys in red cloaks.

BUFFY  
Must be evil.

BANYAN  
We are the Consul of Sacul. Welcome to your  
doom.

FAITH  
Yep. Definitely evil.

BUFFY  
Xander? You all right?

Xander's body slowly swings around, revealing his empty eye  
sockets.

XANDER  
Hey Buff. Nice to see you again.

BUFFY  
Holeee...

FAITH  
Crap.

BANYAN  
A little gift from our friend Drusilla.

BUFFY  
You are so going to pay...

BANYAN  
In case you haven't noticed slayers...

XANDER  
Hey Banyan, before this whole big battle  
thing goes down, I'd like to say something  
to you. Man to... whatever you are.

Banyan turns to Xander who suddenly lifts himself up and wraps  
his legs around Banyan's neck.

XANDER  
I quit!

Xander twists around in the air and we hear the nasty sound of  
Banyan's neck cracking. Buffy throws her scythe through the  
air, decapitating the second consul member. Faith throws her  
battle axe, embedding it in the third consul member's chest.

Xander releases Banyan who falls to the floor. The other bodies  
fall in succession.

BANYAN  
This... this is only the beginning. Death  
will not stop us.

And the bodies vanish, leaving only the robes behind. Buffy  
rushes to Xander as Faith looks on in amazement.

FAITH  
Whoa. Very Obi-Wan.

Buffy breaks apart the manacles and grabs Xander as he falls.

BUFFY  
You've been spending way too much time with  
Andrew.

Faith comes over and helps Xander to the ground. Buffy rips  
apart some of the remaining red robes to fashion a bandage.  
Buffy gives him a grim smile.

BUFFY  
How you holding up there, Nighthawk?

Xander smiles in return.

XANDER  
Better now that you guys are here.

Xander cocks his head to the side a little as though listening  
to something.

XANDER  
Faith. Take a step back.

Faith and Buffy exchange a strange look. Faith takes a step  
back.

Willow appears in a flash of light, trips and falls up against  
a surprised Faith.

FAITH  
How...? How did you...?

WILLOW  
Sorry, I...

Willow turns and sees Xander sans eyeballs.

WILLOW  
Oh my God! Xander! What...?

Buffy finishes tying the bandage around Xander's eyes.

XANDER  
No time ladies...

Xander stands up, walks over to pick up Faith's battle axe then  
heads towards the stairs like it was the most natural thing in  
the world. A grim smile is on his face.

XANDER  
We've got half a dozen vamps on their way  
down here and I've got an appointment to  
keep.

Buffy, Willow and Faith look at each other in amazement and  
then rush to catch up with Xander.

END ACT III

ACT IV

EXT. CAPE KENNETH'S MEMORIAL HOSPITAL

DR. CARVER(VO)  
When you told me you'd be coming back  
later...

INT. EXAMINATION ROOM.

DR. CARVER  
I didn't think it would be like this.

Xander sits on the examination table. Both his eye sockets are  
covered with bandages. Lucy stands next to him. Buffy, Willow,  
Faith, Maya, Liv and Jordy sit around the room. Xander is in a  
hospital gown.

XANDER  
It's been an interesting couple of days.

DR. CARVER  
Yeah? Well here's the wacky juju part of it.

Dr. Carver refers to monitor with another CAT scan on it. It's  
lit up like a Christmas tree.

DR. CARVER  
That truck that hit you and your friends at  
that work site... whatever it did to you,  
the trauma apparently... I don't know...  
shocked your nerve tissue. I've never seen  
such an active scan before.

XANDER  
Kind of figured.

Dr. Carver gives him a strange look.

DR. CARVER  
How's that?

Xander smiles.

XANDER  
No more headaches.

DR. CARVER  
This is absolutely amazing. Mr. Harris, if I  
got some funding we could...

XANDER  
Dr. Carver? I don't think it would be a good  
idea for me to participate in any kind of  
medical study at this point.

Dr. Carver shrugs.

DR. CARVER  
If that's your wish. I've arranged for an  
occupational therapist to...

XANDER  
That's okay, Doc. I'll make my own  
arrangements.

Dr. Carver shrugs and pats Xander on the back.

DR. CARVER  
All right. Let me know if you guys need  
anything else.

Dr. Carver exits.

LUCY  
You enjoyed that didn't you?

Xander smiles.

XANDER  
I did.

FAITH  
All right so what's the deal here, Harris?

BUFFY  
How exactly did this happen?

Willow smiles.

WILLOW  
Don't you guys read your classical  
literature? All the great seers are blind.

BUFFY  
Ohhh... Classical literature. Does People  
magazine count?

MAYA  
So let me get this straight... Drusilla  
ripping out your eyeball was a good thing?

LIV  
So you can see-see or is it...?

XANDER  
It's difficult to describe. I can see forms  
and shapes... People... Things... They all  
kind of... radiate.

WILLOW  
Auras?

XANDER  
I guess so. But it more than that. I can see  
you, but also what you're projecting.  
Thoughts. Feelings.

Xander reaches out and takes Lucy's hand.

XANDER  
Concern.

Lucy smiles as a tear rolls down her cheek. Xander smiles and  
wipes away her tear with his free hand.

XANDER  
Love.

Faith laughs.

FAITH  
Whoa! Looks like Xander's knocking boots  
with the slayer's mom!

Everyone gives Faith a dirty look.

FAITH  
What?

JORDY  
How about rudeness? Can you sense rudeness?

FAITH  
Man, these new scoobies are just way too  
uptight.

MAYA  
Odd squad.

FAITH  
Whatever.

LIV  
What about visions?

XANDER  
You mean like the one I'm having now?

Everyone looks alarmed.

XANDER  
Pack of vamps at the cemetery near 18th  
street. About ten of them.

Liv smiles.

LIV  
A slayer's work is never done.

FAITH  
Like some help, half-pint?

LIV  
If you can keep up, old-timer.

Liv gives Faith an evil grin and walks out. Faith shakes her  
head.

FAITH  
Kid's got spunk.  
(As she walks out)  
I hate spunk.

Buffy gives Xander a quick hug.

BUFFY  
Let's mount up.

XANDER  
If Liv comes back saying "five by five", I'm  
holding you personally responsible.

BUFFY  
I make no promises. Come on you two. Maybe  
There's a couple of possessed demons you  
can exorcise

MAYA  
Yeah, I think there's a career in that somewhere.

JORDY  
Not unless you want to be a Nun.

MAYA  
Hello? Do I look like a nun?

Jordy and Maya walk out bickering. Buffy shakes her head and  
follows them out. Willow gives Xander a long hug.

WILLOW  
So.. how does it feel to have superpowers?

XANDER  
Pretty much the same. I'm always the one who  
sees things. Right?

WILLOW  
I guess so. I better zap back before...

XANDER  
Yeah.. Thanks.

WILLOW  
For what?

XANDER  
Oh... Everything.

Willow smiles and kisses Xander on the cheek.

WILLOW  
What are friends for?

Willow disappears in a flash of light. Lucy smiles and runs her  
hands over Xander's face.

LUCY  
Finally... I have you all to myself.

Lucy and Xander hold each other close.

XANDER  
I'm sorry I can never offer you a normal  
relationship.

Lucy smiles and nuzzles up to Xander.

LUCY  
I'll take what I can get.

They kiss.

INT. CONSUL SANCTUM  
The triangle stands bare. Ghostly images of red cloaked figures  
appear at the points.

CONSUL #1  
Unfortunate.

CONSUL #2  
Our corporeal forms have been lost.

CONSUL #3  
They will be regained... in time.

CONSUL #1  
The hellmouth was not opened.

CONSUL #2  
But it is now active.

CONSUL #3  
Everything will fall into place... given  
time.

CONSUL #1  
We are patient.

CONSUL #2  
We are... eternal.

FADE TO BLACK

END ACT IV


End file.
